I started out to use some great jokes sent to me by Martha, but then I somehow got off into swine-related humor. Pigs, or at least the concept of pigs, can be very funny. So here are some pig jokes with a few extras thrown in. Enjoy.
Are two of my favorite pig jokes
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's
door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask,
"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a
runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire - started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and
saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Going in the pond cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
==================
A Hindu, priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.
They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the Hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the Hindu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, there was a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn.
A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
Some silly pig riddles
Q: What does a pig write with?
A: A pig pen.
Q: Who does a pig write to?
A: Her pen pals.
Q: What stories do pigs tell their children?
A: PIG tales
Q: Where does a pig go to get a new tail?
A: To a re-tail store.
Q: What do you call a karate move made by a pig?
A: A pork chop.
Q: What do you call a pig that is carried across a river in a small boat?
A: A rowed hog.
**********************
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
On a non-pig note, here are two more.
An ant knocks on the door of a house. The homeowner opens the door. "I want a place to stay," says the ant.
"I have a vacant room you can stay in for free," says the owner.
The next day the ant brings in another ant and asks, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do that without paying any rent."
Some days later the ant brings one more ant and for the new ant to stay. Once again owner agrees without asking for any rent.
This continues as the ant brings in another ant and another. Then one day, the ant brings in the tenth ant and the owner to allow him to stay as well.
The owner says, "You can all stay here but you all must now pay rent."
You see, they had become tenants.
______________________________
Two rookie policemen were patrolling the small town's business district. They stopped at the local coffee shop for dessert. Soon, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."
There was only one bank in town, just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 is an armed robbery. The men decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them so they continued enjoying their break.
Then they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."
Realizing it was not a joke, they rushed across the street, but alas they arrived just seconds after the banana split.
Tom
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Firey JOW
To say it has been hot and dry here would be an understatement. The media does not like to cover boring things like droughts and heat waves even though high temperatures kill more people in the US every year than all other weather-related deaths combined. You don't see it on TV because droughts just aren’t visual. I used to say Houston is like LA with humidity. Now it is more like Phoenix with humidity. Humid but rainless. Since last October we have had half the rainfall in that time…. of the previous record drought. We have gotten about a third of normal rainfall. What makes this so bad is that the flora and fauna are ill adapted to the severe heat and lack of rain. The results are lots of dead trees and fires – more than 3 million acres have burned this year in Texas alone.
With fire on my mind I tried to come up with some fire-related jokes. There are not many so I padded things with some comic observations.
One evening, a resident of a small rural town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing her cat from a tree.
Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action.
Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach as the tree bent nearly all the way over. Then the knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne, headin' south.....
======
Q: If H 2 0 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K 9 P
-----------------------------------
Firemen rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined.
The doctors said he was all right.
The nurses said there wasn't much left.
……………………………..
A blonde called the rural fire department all excited. "Come quick my barns on fire, my barn's on fire."
The dispatcher says, "Calm down now just tell us how to get there."
She says, "Oh, don't you have that big red truck anymore?"
Some random thoughts
• I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.
• They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
+++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, some short ones from famous comics -
"My mom told she how learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " -- Paula Poundstone
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -- Tim Allen
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." -- Steven Wright
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." -- Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their whole lives." -- Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." -- Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." -- Bill Maher
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." -- Jay Leno
Tom
With fire on my mind I tried to come up with some fire-related jokes. There are not many so I padded things with some comic observations.
One evening, a resident of a small rural town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing her cat from a tree.
Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action.
Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach as the tree bent nearly all the way over. Then the knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne, headin' south.....
======
Q: If H 2 0 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K 9 P
-----------------------------------
Firemen rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined.
The doctors said he was all right.
The nurses said there wasn't much left.
……………………………..
A blonde called the rural fire department all excited. "Come quick my barns on fire, my barn's on fire."
The dispatcher says, "Calm down now just tell us how to get there."
She says, "Oh, don't you have that big red truck anymore?"
Some random thoughts
• I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.
• They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
+++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, some short ones from famous comics -
"My mom told she how learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " -- Paula Poundstone
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -- Tim Allen
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." -- Steven Wright
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." -- Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their whole lives." -- Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." -- Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." -- Bill Maher
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." -- Jay Leno
Tom
Monday, June 13, 2011
Simply Criminal JOW
“The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.” – Abraham Lincoln (That quote came to me from Dan.)
My theme this week is that of stupid criminals. We all do dumb things; sometimes they are funny. Most crimes are stupid in the first place, and when criminals do dumb things that get them caught we can all smile, and they do Really Stupid things all the time. Here are a few classic criminal gaffes:
A middle-aged man convicted of robbing a convenience store decided to fire his lawyer and take charge of the case himself. During the store manager’s testimony, he jumped up, accused her of lying, and added the lovely and poetic phrase: “I should’ve blown your (expletive) head off!” Sources say he looked around nervously, and added “…if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took about twenty minutes to convict him guilty.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town.
His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual.
Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.
The driver, an off duty police officer, was happy to comply.
---------------------------------------------
Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D.
The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."
===========================
A teenager was arrested by the Pennsylvania police and charged with felony daytime burglary. How did they find out? Well, the victim noticed that someone had broken into her house through a bedroom window. She also happened to check her computer…which had the burglar’s Facebook account still open. Apparently, after snatching two expensive diamond rings, he had felt the irresistible need to check his status. Can you say…”un-friend”?
…………………………………………….
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who seized the man as he waited in the line at Bank of America.
----------------------------------
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home...with the chain still attached to the machine...with their bumper still attached to the chain...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
And on a related note:
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
___________________________
A man who tried to steal cash from the Dunkin' Donuts outlet on the Post Road on Monday night fled with an adding machine that he apparently mistook for a cash register.
Police said the unidentified man walked into the doughnut shop and handed a clerk a note stating that he had a gun and a bomb. The man's note said he would use both if he didn't get cash, police said.
The man then grabbed an adding machine, which had no cash drawers, from the counter and ran from the shop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed
********************************
Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into a bank one day.
Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "Freeze, mother stickers, this is a f--- up!
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away.
And last and best of all:
Reema Bajaj was set to conquer the world. At the age of 25, she'd already graduated from law school. She'd opened up a solo practice in Sycamore, Illinois. But she also had a secret... Police in DeKalb County say they were investigating another case when they found evidence -- believed to be emails -- linking her to prostitution in August of last year. And since the carnal transaction occurred less than 1,000 feet from a school, that upgraded her prostitution pinch to a felony.
Alas Reema was also charged with offering to perform sex acts for a man last month for $50, proving she wasn't a very good lawyer, since every barrister knows that charging reasonable fees can get you disbarred.
My theme this week is that of stupid criminals. We all do dumb things; sometimes they are funny. Most crimes are stupid in the first place, and when criminals do dumb things that get them caught we can all smile, and they do Really Stupid things all the time. Here are a few classic criminal gaffes:
A middle-aged man convicted of robbing a convenience store decided to fire his lawyer and take charge of the case himself. During the store manager’s testimony, he jumped up, accused her of lying, and added the lovely and poetic phrase: “I should’ve blown your (expletive) head off!” Sources say he looked around nervously, and added “…if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took about twenty minutes to convict him guilty.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town.
His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual.
Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.
The driver, an off duty police officer, was happy to comply.
---------------------------------------------
Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D.
The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."
===========================
A teenager was arrested by the Pennsylvania police and charged with felony daytime burglary. How did they find out? Well, the victim noticed that someone had broken into her house through a bedroom window. She also happened to check her computer…which had the burglar’s Facebook account still open. Apparently, after snatching two expensive diamond rings, he had felt the irresistible need to check his status. Can you say…”un-friend”?
…………………………………………….
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who seized the man as he waited in the line at Bank of America.
----------------------------------
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home...with the chain still attached to the machine...with their bumper still attached to the chain...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
And on a related note:
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
___________________________
A man who tried to steal cash from the Dunkin' Donuts outlet on the Post Road on Monday night fled with an adding machine that he apparently mistook for a cash register.
Police said the unidentified man walked into the doughnut shop and handed a clerk a note stating that he had a gun and a bomb. The man's note said he would use both if he didn't get cash, police said.
The man then grabbed an adding machine, which had no cash drawers, from the counter and ran from the shop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed
********************************
Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into a bank one day.
Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "Freeze, mother stickers, this is a f--- up!
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away.
And last and best of all:
Reema Bajaj was set to conquer the world. At the age of 25, she'd already graduated from law school. She'd opened up a solo practice in Sycamore, Illinois. But she also had a secret... Police in DeKalb County say they were investigating another case when they found evidence -- believed to be emails -- linking her to prostitution in August of last year. And since the carnal transaction occurred less than 1,000 feet from a school, that upgraded her prostitution pinch to a felony.
Alas Reema was also charged with offering to perform sex acts for a man last month for $50, proving she wasn't a very good lawyer, since every barrister knows that charging reasonable fees can get you disbarred.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Chuck Norris JOW
I have finally broken down; I am going to do some Chuck Norris jokes. In some parts of the country they are as common as “Yo Mama” or ‘blonde’ jokes. It is hard to believe that a martial arts “actor” famed for his signature round house kick is the subject of so many jokes. Actually, in real life Chuck has the reputation of being a decent, good-natured guy. His acting persona, however has him being anything but that. Here are some of the examples:
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Not once.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris had a staring contest with a mirror. He won.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris once said, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
• Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
• Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again.
• Chuck Norris made Ellen DeGeneres straight.
• Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
• Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
• Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
• Evil aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
• People still wonder about the mysterious death of Bruce Lee. It’s simple; nobody beats up Chuck Norris and lives.
• Chuck Norris has a bearskin rug in his living room. The bear is not dead, it is just too afraid to move.
Famous quotes about the French:
• "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. Of course, France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
• "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
And finally an actual joke from the Bali man
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I don’t play golf!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, and golf."
Tom
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Not once.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris had a staring contest with a mirror. He won.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris once said, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
• Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
• Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again.
• Chuck Norris made Ellen DeGeneres straight.
• Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
• Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
• Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
• Evil aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
• People still wonder about the mysterious death of Bruce Lee. It’s simple; nobody beats up Chuck Norris and lives.
• Chuck Norris has a bearskin rug in his living room. The bear is not dead, it is just too afraid to move.
Famous quotes about the French:
• "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. Of course, France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
• "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
And finally an actual joke from the Bali man
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I don’t play golf!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, and golf."
Tom
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