It has been two long years since I last inflicted my JOW sufferers with some Tom Swifties. The Tom Swift series of books were originated by Edward Stratemeyer in a series of books starting back in the early Twentieth Century about a character called Tom Swift. The leading character was modeled as sort of a cross between Glenn Curtis and Thomas Edison. The dialog in these juvenile books tended to be somewhat hackneyed as might be expected from a series of over almost 100 books.
A Tom Swifty is a phrase in which a quoted sentence is linked by a pun to the manner in which it is attributed, such as “We must hurry,” Tom said swiftly. They are otherwise known as adverbial puns. The only rule is that the adverbs end in "-ly".
Warning, Tom Swifties are highly addictive.
• “I’ll have a martini,” Tom said dryly.
• " I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.
• " ," said Tom blankly.
• " ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.
• "I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.
• "We just struck oil!" Tom gushed crudely.
• "A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully.
• "Add this list of n numbers and divide the sum by n," said Tom meanly.
• "As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.
• "Those stormy winds sure have died down,” said Tom disgustedly.
• "Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.
• "Buy me something to drink?" said Tom dryly.
• "Get away from the dynamite," Tom said explosively.
• "I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.
• "I commanded a group of ships for a week," Tom said fleetingly.
• "As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.
• "I forgot some of the groceries I went to buy," Tom said listlessly.
• "I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.
• "I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pride fully.
• "I just returned from Asia," Tom said disoriented.
• "I MUST patch this coat." Tom said raggedly.
• "I need a home run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.
• "I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.
• "I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.
• "I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.
• "I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.
• "I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.
• "I won the daily double," Tom cried hoarsely.
• "I love hot dogs," Tom said frankly.
• "I'll pay that customs official," said Tom dutifully.
• "I'll try and dig it up for you," Tom said gravely.
• "I'm back from my lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly.
• "I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.
• "I've lost my trousers," Tom said expansively.
• "Keep an eye on that orbit," Tom said watchfully.
• "Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.
• "Let's visit tombs," said Tom cryptically.
• "Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.
• "Mush!" Tom said huskily.
• "My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.
• "My stereo's half-fixed," said Tom monotonously.
• "My stereo’s sound is working great now," said Tom ecstatically.
• "Who left the toilet seat down?" Tom asked peevishly.
• "Pass me the shellfish," said Tom crabbily.
• "That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said off-handedly.
• "I am going to look for the Holy Grail again," Tom requested.
• "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succinctly.
• "I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.
• "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.
---------------------------------------
I have to have a real joke included in the JOW, so here is one.
Two women are arguing about which dog is smarter....
First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."
Finally, here is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office.
An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into; the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County sheriff's office to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Count on it JOW
I am finally finishing up my little tour with the Census. By now the enumerators are down to checking abandoned trailers in deep rural locations to make sure no one is living there. Those and the few people who are actively in opposition to any federal government activity, are just plain old nut jobs, or both. There seems to be so much anger out there against the United States, by some of its own citizens, that even a benign activity such as the census is viewed with real hostility. It has been a remarkable accomplishment; a few thousand permanent employees swelled to over 640,000 workers in just a couple of months and is now contracting back down, mission accomplished.
Ranging from the seriously silly to the dourly serious, Americans are playing around with the Census form, especially Question 9: What is Person 1's race? The question includes 11 choices and the option: ‘Some other race – print race.’ And that is where the shenanigans begin. You just don’t give people a wonderful opening like that and not expect some smart ass replies. Census workers have received literally thousands forms that include creative self-identified races. They include things like Human, Vulcan and Borg (nods to "Star Trek"), Cylon (for the "Battlestar Galactica" fans), and, yes, NASCAR. (Get it? Race?)
Some census jokes.
A Blonde was sitting on her porch, when a man walked up with a with his black and white census bag.
'What can I do for you?' She politely asked. 'Are you selling something?'
'No, I'm a Census worker.'
'A what?'
'A Census worker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in USA.'
'Well,’ she replied, ‘you're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'
------------------
Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for "Age of Mother, If Living" and "Age of Father, if Living."
"Surely your parents can't be as old as this?" asked the incredulous clerk.
"Well no," was the answer, "but they would be “if living!"
And on a related note: statistician jokes
When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb, what do we call it?
Sampling Error
When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb 10 CONSECUTIVE times, what do we call it?
A Biased Statistic
How do we correct for the bias?
Tell the statistician to place his thumb directly on the nail and then strike his thumb with the hammer!!!
+++++++++++++
Husband returns home from a doctor's visit with a sad face.
Wife: "What did the doctor say?"
Husband: "I have Dyscalculia. It's a math disorder."
Wife: "How bad is it?"
Husband: "The Doctor said not to worry. 100 out of every 15 people have it."
……………………………
A statistics professor was describing sampling theory to his class, explaining how a sample can be studied and used to generalize to a population. One of the students in the back of the room kept shaking his head.
"What's the matter?" asked the professor.
"I don't believe it," said the student, "why not study the whole population in the first place?"
The professor continued explaining the ideas of random and representative samples. The student still shook his head. The professor launched into the mechanics of proportional stratified samples, randomized cluster sampling, the standard error of the mean, and the central limit theorem.
The student remained unconvinced saying, "Too much theory, too risky, I couldn't trust just a few numbers in place of ALL of them."
Attempting a more practical example, the professor then explained the scientific rigor and meticulous sample selection of the Nielsen television ratings which are used to determine how multiple millions of advertising dollars are spent.
The student remained unimpressed saying, "You mean that just a sample of a few thousand can tell us exactly what over 300 MILLION people are doing?"
Finally, the professor, somewhat disgruntled with the skepticism, replied, "Well, the next time you go to the campus clinic and they want to do a blood test...tell them that's not good enough ...tell them to TAKE IT ALL!!"
***********
Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. For example, if your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
========================
They have the oil leak sort of stopped – finally. Even so, BP continues to provide the late night comedians with rich fodder.
• "We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud." –Jay Leno"
• BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy." –Jimmy Fallon
• "Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence." –Jay Leno
• "BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says." –Jimmy Fallon
And one more I could not resist.
• Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device in him called a 'heart.'
Thos. Pinney
Ranging from the seriously silly to the dourly serious, Americans are playing around with the Census form, especially Question 9: What is Person 1's race? The question includes 11 choices and the option: ‘Some other race – print race.’ And that is where the shenanigans begin. You just don’t give people a wonderful opening like that and not expect some smart ass replies. Census workers have received literally thousands forms that include creative self-identified races. They include things like Human, Vulcan and Borg (nods to "Star Trek"), Cylon (for the "Battlestar Galactica" fans), and, yes, NASCAR. (Get it? Race?)
Some census jokes.
A Blonde was sitting on her porch, when a man walked up with a with his black and white census bag.
'What can I do for you?' She politely asked. 'Are you selling something?'
'No, I'm a Census worker.'
'A what?'
'A Census worker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in USA.'
'Well,’ she replied, ‘you're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'
------------------
Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for "Age of Mother, If Living" and "Age of Father, if Living."
"Surely your parents can't be as old as this?" asked the incredulous clerk.
"Well no," was the answer, "but they would be “if living!"
And on a related note: statistician jokes
When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb, what do we call it?
Sampling Error
When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb 10 CONSECUTIVE times, what do we call it?
A Biased Statistic
How do we correct for the bias?
Tell the statistician to place his thumb directly on the nail and then strike his thumb with the hammer!!!
+++++++++++++
Husband returns home from a doctor's visit with a sad face.
Wife: "What did the doctor say?"
Husband: "I have Dyscalculia. It's a math disorder."
Wife: "How bad is it?"
Husband: "The Doctor said not to worry. 100 out of every 15 people have it."
……………………………
A statistics professor was describing sampling theory to his class, explaining how a sample can be studied and used to generalize to a population. One of the students in the back of the room kept shaking his head.
"What's the matter?" asked the professor.
"I don't believe it," said the student, "why not study the whole population in the first place?"
The professor continued explaining the ideas of random and representative samples. The student still shook his head. The professor launched into the mechanics of proportional stratified samples, randomized cluster sampling, the standard error of the mean, and the central limit theorem.
The student remained unconvinced saying, "Too much theory, too risky, I couldn't trust just a few numbers in place of ALL of them."
Attempting a more practical example, the professor then explained the scientific rigor and meticulous sample selection of the Nielsen television ratings which are used to determine how multiple millions of advertising dollars are spent.
The student remained unimpressed saying, "You mean that just a sample of a few thousand can tell us exactly what over 300 MILLION people are doing?"
Finally, the professor, somewhat disgruntled with the skepticism, replied, "Well, the next time you go to the campus clinic and they want to do a blood test...tell them that's not good enough ...tell them to TAKE IT ALL!!"
***********
Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. For example, if your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
========================
They have the oil leak sort of stopped – finally. Even so, BP continues to provide the late night comedians with rich fodder.
• "We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud." –Jay Leno"
• BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy." –Jimmy Fallon
• "Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence." –Jay Leno
• "BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says." –Jimmy Fallon
And one more I could not resist.
• Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device in him called a 'heart.'
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Neurosurgical JOW
Ruth suggested a medical theme for this week, with an emphasis on neurosurgery which is what she is doing this week. Brain surgeons are not all that funny, but doctors and medicine in general are a rich sources of humor. Here are a few tidbits for your amusement.
…………………….
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring. So she called the doctor and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline:
• If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transferred to the Mother ship
• If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
• If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
• If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
• If you have short-term memory loss, please call again later.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.
---------------------------------
An internist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist go out duck hunting. The internist sees a duck overhead, raises his gun to fire, but does not fire, saying that it may look a duck and may sound like a duck, but it might not BE a duck, so the duck flies away. The psychiatrist sees a second duck and gets up to fire, but says that while it may look like a duck, he wonders if it really feels like a duck, so the duck flies away. A third duck flies by, the surgeon gets up, fires, and shoots down the duck.
Then he turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if it’s a duck.”
…………………………….
Health care and HMOs are sensitive issues these days. Here are some signs that you need to change your HMO.
• Annual breast exam are conducted at Hooters.
• Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
• The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
• The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
• The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
• Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• The line “patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
• The only expense fully covered is embalming.
• Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
• You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
"Darn, there go the lights again...."
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"This patient has already had some kids, right?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
Thos. Pinney
…………………….
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring. So she called the doctor and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline:
• If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transferred to the Mother ship
• If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
• If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
• If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
• If you have short-term memory loss, please call again later.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.
---------------------------------
An internist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist go out duck hunting. The internist sees a duck overhead, raises his gun to fire, but does not fire, saying that it may look a duck and may sound like a duck, but it might not BE a duck, so the duck flies away. The psychiatrist sees a second duck and gets up to fire, but says that while it may look like a duck, he wonders if it really feels like a duck, so the duck flies away. A third duck flies by, the surgeon gets up, fires, and shoots down the duck.
Then he turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if it’s a duck.”
…………………………….
Health care and HMOs are sensitive issues these days. Here are some signs that you need to change your HMO.
• Annual breast exam are conducted at Hooters.
• Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
• The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
• The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
• The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
• Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• The line “patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
• The only expense fully covered is embalming.
• Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
• You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
"Darn, there go the lights again...."
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"This patient has already had some kids, right?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
Thos. Pinney
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Architecturally Sound JOW
My friend Richard suggested I try to use architects as a theme for my Joke of the Week; tough subject. But if I can do math jokes, accountant jokes, and even jokes about my dog dying, I can figure out something on architects. I did have to fall back on some material from my days as a carpenter’s helper at the Bust A Grape Masonry and Contracting Company. There are lots of jokes abusing contractors.
====================
Some scientists did an experiment. They took an architect and put him in a room with three small glass balls on a table. They left him and returned an hour later to find the balls stacked in a pyramid.
They ask him why he did it and he replied, "Because I knew it could be done."
Next they took an civil engineer and put him in the room with the balls. When they returned the balls were stacked straight up one on top of each other.
They ask why he did it and he also answered, "Because I knew it could be done."
Then they experimented with a contractor. After an hour they returned to find one ball on the table.
They ask him what happened and he goes "Umm ... well ... I broke one and the other one is in my lunchbox, I'm taking it home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tom and Andy were working on a house. Tom, who was nailing down siding, would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
Andy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Tom explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
Andy got upset at his hapless helper. "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
……………..
Back when I was working as a “carpenter”, I was supposed to attach some galvanized sheet metal flashing with some long galvanized screws. I asked my foreman to hand me a screwdriver and was surprised when he handed me a hammer.
"No," I said, "I need a screwdriver."
"Here you go," he said, proffering the hammer again.
"No," I protested, "I want that long, skinny thing with the handle at one end and the flat blade at the other."
"Oh!" he said. "You want the screw remover!"
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, off they went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
**********
Q: Where do timber suppliers hold rock concerts?
A: Woodstock.
Q: What did the Mechanical Engineer do when he saw an air conditioning pipe flying towards him?
A: Duct.
Q: Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?
A: Because he lost his footing.
• Something bothers me: why are ‘civil engineers’ so often rude?
There are a variety of people who have roles in building the structures in which we live and work. Here are a set of definitions for those noble professions.
• Architect ─ While your designs may be visually stunning, chances are that is all they are.
• Landscape architect. ─ With designs both ecologically friendly and attractive to the community, landscape architects are well received by all people except Architects. Too bad there's this thing called rain.
• City planner ─ You actually understand that a site does not exist in a vacuum and ought to fit into its context. Unfortunately, there's very little you can do about it.
• Civil engineer ─ Your designs are solid and work, as they follow the simplest way of solving the problem. Fortunately there are architects to ensure not everyone's living in a box.
• Contractor ─ You don't really care what's being built, only how it's built. Or maybe you don't care much about that either.
• Developer. ─ You actually get stuff built that 99% of the population finds agreeable. Too bad the other 1% always happen to be the people in the neighborhood where you're actually building.
Thos. Pinney
====================
Some scientists did an experiment. They took an architect and put him in a room with three small glass balls on a table. They left him and returned an hour later to find the balls stacked in a pyramid.
They ask him why he did it and he replied, "Because I knew it could be done."
Next they took an civil engineer and put him in the room with the balls. When they returned the balls were stacked straight up one on top of each other.
They ask why he did it and he also answered, "Because I knew it could be done."
Then they experimented with a contractor. After an hour they returned to find one ball on the table.
They ask him what happened and he goes "Umm ... well ... I broke one and the other one is in my lunchbox, I'm taking it home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tom and Andy were working on a house. Tom, who was nailing down siding, would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
Andy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Tom explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
Andy got upset at his hapless helper. "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
……………..
Back when I was working as a “carpenter”, I was supposed to attach some galvanized sheet metal flashing with some long galvanized screws. I asked my foreman to hand me a screwdriver and was surprised when he handed me a hammer.
"No," I said, "I need a screwdriver."
"Here you go," he said, proffering the hammer again.
"No," I protested, "I want that long, skinny thing with the handle at one end and the flat blade at the other."
"Oh!" he said. "You want the screw remover!"
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, off they went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
**********
Q: Where do timber suppliers hold rock concerts?
A: Woodstock.
Q: What did the Mechanical Engineer do when he saw an air conditioning pipe flying towards him?
A: Duct.
Q: Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?
A: Because he lost his footing.
• Something bothers me: why are ‘civil engineers’ so often rude?
There are a variety of people who have roles in building the structures in which we live and work. Here are a set of definitions for those noble professions.
• Architect ─ While your designs may be visually stunning, chances are that is all they are.
• Landscape architect. ─ With designs both ecologically friendly and attractive to the community, landscape architects are well received by all people except Architects. Too bad there's this thing called rain.
• City planner ─ You actually understand that a site does not exist in a vacuum and ought to fit into its context. Unfortunately, there's very little you can do about it.
• Civil engineer ─ Your designs are solid and work, as they follow the simplest way of solving the problem. Fortunately there are architects to ensure not everyone's living in a box.
• Contractor ─ You don't really care what's being built, only how it's built. Or maybe you don't care much about that either.
• Developer. ─ You actually get stuff built that 99% of the population finds agreeable. Too bad the other 1% always happen to be the people in the neighborhood where you're actually building.
Thos. Pinney
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