Gracefully (?) Aging JOW #1085

I am glad we don’t have to wear masks anymore.  In New York they have been so masked up for so long they are having ‘lower face reveal’ parties.  And I am sure banks and liquor stores are glad to be able lower their guard a bit every time a man wearing a mask walks in.  Besides, wearing a mask with a beard sort of looks like an ad for woman’s underwear in 1972. 

Despite that lead in on masks, my jokes this week have the theme of getting older.  Dick sent me some of these but I have lots of jokes about people getting older.  Here are a few:

 

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.  

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

 

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.  I was so happy when I walked into a room the other day and knew why I was there.  It was the bathroom, but still….

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.  

 

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.  

 

 My mind is like my internet browser: 19 tabs open, three of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. 

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.  

 

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1957.

 

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.  

 

It's weird being the same age as old people.  

 

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.  

 

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.  

Shifting gears

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.  

 

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.  

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?  

I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.  

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. 
I thought to myself ‘That's a little condescending.’

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

‌‌I just discovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” is a‌‌ ‌‌palindrome… It spells “‌‌gnihton”, backward which also means nothing.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

Writing of which, my wife once bought an escalator.  She said it was marked down.

~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We've got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

And finally, mercifully, my last joke

“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”

“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!” 

 

Take me out to the JOW #1084

 

One of the signs that America is coming back to ‘normal’ is full baseball stadiums.  As the oldest continuously played professional sport in the world, baseball has a host of good jokes starting with children and ending with the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra.  What do they have to do with baseball?  Read my JOW and find out.

=======

At one point during a little league game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside

And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,

It’s not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

 

Something to ponder:

“Why do we sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when we’re already there?”

 

A couple of Covid jokes

My friend came back from his baseball game and complained it was hot.

He said because of COVID there were no fans.

 

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runner takes out his mask and begins to put it on.
The boy asks his father, “Why is he covering his face, Dad?”
The father answers, “Watch - he’s going to steal second.”

 

Three baseball riddles

 

·         What goes all the way around the baseball field but never moves?
The fence.

 

·         What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire?
One steals watches and one watches steals.

 

·         When should baseball players wear armor?
When they’re playing knight games.

 

An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
One smart resident decided to get more information, first.  “Wait,” he said. “What team do you play for?”
“The Baltimore Orioles,” shouts the man.
“Meh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

+++++++++++

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

<<<<<<<<<< 

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who got a ticket for illegally crossing the street?  He was Jaywalking

~~~~~~~

A baseball came through my window today

It really hit home

`````````

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

Here is one of my favorite jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?"

The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?"

The dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out.

The man sits disconsolately on the curb.  His dog comes up, sits beside him, looks up at his master and says “DiMaggio?”

^^^^^^

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline (This is a chemistry joke provided by Mr. A. Cid.)

>>>>>>>>>> 

A couple of Yogi Berra's teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

 

Or as Dave Berry put it:

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball or catching a falling infant
she will always choose to catch the baby without even considering if there are men on base.

 

And finally

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for a few!"

This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."

But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"

So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.

Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression.

"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?"

"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."

 

Maxine - a - mum JOW #1083

 Dick sends me some good jokes.  His latest are from the cartoon character ‘Maxine’.  I had an aunt who was pretty much like Maxine.  Here are a few of her sayings:

 

·         Sure, marriage can be fun some of the time.  The trouble is that you’re married all the time

 

·         I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually that reason is that somebody screwed up.

 

·         Thanks to the internet you can get hopelessly in debt without ever leaving your house.

 

·         If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?

 

·         If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.

 

·         Big surprise, even my blood type is negative.

 

·         The only way I’ll drop ten pounds is to go shopping in England.

 

·         Celebrate Ben Franklin’s birthday.  Go fly a kite.

 

·         I found an honest repair man.  He honestly doesn’t know how to fix anything.

 

·         Most of the people you see in lingerie stores you wouldn’t want to see in lingerie.

 

·         I’m picking out wine for the family dinner.  Which one goes with nuts?

 

·         Prices these days are like a pair of cheap underwear.  Every time you turn around it seems to creep up just a little.

 

·         I’ve got to start taking care of myself.  Whoever was supposed to be doing it has done a really crappy job.

 

 

Enough with Maxine. Here are a few more jokes.

 

Never judge a book by its cover.

Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

`````

A gymnast walks into a bar.  She got a terrible score

^^^^

So I'm reading a horror story in braille

And I feel that something bad is going to happen

<<<< 

My daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....
Heads or Tales.

>>>>> 

I wondered how all those North Koreans could march in such straight lines.  Then I remembered that they have a Supreme Ruler.

====

Whether glass coffins become popular - remains to be seen.

~~~~

I am reading a story about what happens if you line a grave with concrete...The plot thickens!

----------

 

A gangster sidled up to the owner of a deli and, looking at a smoked ham the owner had for sale said to him.

“That’s a nice ham you have there.  It would be a shame if somebody but an ‘S’ in front of it and an ‘E’ at the end.”

++++

I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!

That's the trouble with the news today, it’s all sax and violins.

 

Some longer jokes.

In Nova Scotia back in the day the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
An older couple’s son got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hour’s drive from where they lived. They got word of what happened and set out to pick him up. On their way home it got dark and the fog was ever so thick. The old man was not a good driver at the best of times and the conditions on this night drove his anxiety through the roof.
He had been following a larger vehicle for about 30 minutes with nowhere to pass and the leading vehicle was going quite slow.
Eventually the vehicle he was following stopped and just sat there. The old man in his angry voice said to his wife, “What in the name of God is that man doing stopped in the middle of the road?”

To which my grandmother replied, “Ephraim, the man has pulled into his driveway.”

---------------------

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, I’m feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".
The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, Rob, with his friend Marvin, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Rob asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Rob guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Marvin said to Rob, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”
Rob replied, “No it’s genuine enough Marvin. My wife won twice last week.”

 

And finally

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, lest the Republic fall. So once the plague was over, riders were sent to the four directions, plus two, to find replacements who had been born at the same moment the old ones had died.
When the riders came back, they found that they had brought back one too many. The recruits drew straws, and the one with the short straw was free to go her way. But now here she was hundreds of miles—sorry, thousands of stadia—from home, with nothing to do.
Being an enterprising young lass, she started an olive oil company and grew it into the largest woman-owned business in the whole Republic. She sold only first-pressed, cold-pressed oil, and people loved it.

Needless to say she called her company "Extra Virgin Olive Oil."

Physic-ly Ill JOW #1082

 My physics classes let me know I would never understand Physics. To this day I think physics is branch of science concerned with using extremely long and complicated formulas to describe how a ball rolls.

  I did learn a couple of things in physics:

·         A responsible adult says ‘No” to non-Euclidian space. 

·         Matter can be neither created nor destroyed.  Nor can it be returned without a receipt.

Here are some jokes about physics and physicists.

 

A beginner’s guide to physics

Relativity: When the family gets together

Black holes: What you get in black socks

Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers

Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore

>>>> 

Two Theoretical Physicists are lost in the mountains

Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?" 
"Do you see that mountain over there?" 
"Yes." 
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

<<<< 

There are a lot of jokes about Schrodinger and his thought experiment about a cat that might or might not be dead in an unobserved box.

All those Schrodinger’s Cat jokes have died out….. or have they?

 Veterinarian: “Dr. Schrodinger, I have good news and bad news about your cat.”

 

Then there is Heisenberg and his theory of uncertainty.

 

When Was Heisenberg Born?

Oh, that's very uncertain.

 

A cop stopped Heisenberg and asked him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

He replied, “No, but I know where I am.”

 

Or the freshman who asked, “Is this the Heisenberg Department of Physics?”

“Probably.”

 

Einstein Developed A Theory About Space.

About time too!

^^^^^^

You enter the high school lab and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

·         If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.

·         If it stinks, it’s chemistry.

·         If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

 

Be careful asking scientist why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

 

Physicist riddles

How Many Physicists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.

 

What did the English nuclear physicist have for lunch?

Fission Chips

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side.

 

What do you call the group of physicists who name the tiny things inside the atom?

A Particle Board.

 

Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in a really small garage?

Because they were quantum mechanics. 

 

Different scientific disciplines do things differently.

 

How to calculate the volume of a cat:

Engineer: Submerge the cat in a take of water and measure the rise of the water level.

Mathematician: Calculate the volume integral over its full body.

Physicist: Suppose the cat is spherical.

~~~~~~

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He drowned and was swept out to sea.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

````````````

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.

The biologist remarked, “Oh, they must have reproduced.”

The engineer said, “Our initial count must have been incorrect.”

The mathematician stated, “Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty.”

<<<<<<< 

Fun scientific fact – you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water.

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant.

If it floats, it’s buoyant.

 

And finally, my off-topic joke

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.

He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” Again he waited and again she didn’t come. He knocked again and the parrot said, “Who is it?”

The plumber screamed, flew into a rage, and ripped the door off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

 

Soleful JOW #1081

 Ruth told me a joke about shoes this week that I had not heard before and that got me thinking about shoes as a subject of humor. 

Before I begin the shoe jokes I have a public service announcement: 

The CDC now recommends wearing a seatbelt even when you are not in the car.

Here are the shoe jokes

“One shoe can change your life” – Cinderella

(Of course, Life is not a fairy tale.  If you lose your shoe at midnight, you are probably drunk.)

 

“So can two shoes” – Dorothy of Oz

 

Four shoes can help you win the Kentucky Derby – Secretariat

+++++++++++

Both the Boots and the Sandals feel that the Shoes take too much of the Feet's attention, so they formed an alliance.
One day, a Boot with a cold met up with his Sandal friend. They chat a bit.
"But are you sure there are no shoes around here?" The Sandal asks worriedly.
"Of course. I will keep a lookout and tell you if I see one!" The Boot replies.
This made the sandal feel calmer. They continue talking, but suddenly the Boot cries:
"A shoe! A shoe!"
"What? What? Where?" The Sandal looks around frantically, but spots no shoes.
"Sorry, I was just sneezing," says the Boot.

_____

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly

 

Shoe Riddles

·         What do you call expensive shoes?  Cashews.

·         What happens when you eat yeast and shoe polish?  Every morning you rise and shine

·         What kind of shoes does a spy wear? Sneakers.

·         What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.

·         What kind of shoes would an artist wear? Sketchers.

·         What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.

·         What’s the best kind of shoes to sneak around in?  Leather... They’re made of hide.

·         If humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?  A reboot.

·         What do you call a dinosaur that wears boots and a cowboy hat? Tyrannosaurus Tex.

 

 

============

I saw a Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit feet.

I thought to myself ‘he's really pushing his luck.’

>>>>> 

A man gets a job interview to be a blacksmith and the first question he's asked is if he's ever shoed a horse.

"No," said the man, "but I did tell a donkey to go away once."

<<<<<< 

A man goes to a petrol station to fill up his car. The first pump doesn't work, the second pump doesn't work and the third pump doesn't work, so he goes inside and asks the woman attendant if she has her pumps on.

"No," she says, "I'm wearing my Ugg boots today."

------

Son: "Daddy, can you put my shoes on?"

Dad: "I can try, but I don't think they'll fit me."

~~~~~

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.

'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.

'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

``````

A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

 

And finally, a non-shoe joke

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."