Merry Christmas JOW #744

Here it is Christmas again.  I am old enough to have gone through the four stages of Christmas: 

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

I can still remember that awkward moment, many years ago, when I noticed that Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as my parents.

First – Merry Christmas to all of you.  My your days be merry and bright.

Second - Some Christmas riddles for the kids:

·         Where would a reindeer go if he lost his tail?
A retail store.

·         What did Mrs. Claus tell Rudolph was her favorite kind of weather?
It’s rain, dear.

·         What do you call a toy guitar maker who sings “Blue Christmas”?
Elf-is.

·         Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.

·         Why did Scrooge win the football game?
Because the Ghost of Christmas passed.

·         Where does Frosty the Snowman deposit his money?
In the snowbank.

·         What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

It is probably a good thing that letters to Santa are one way since exchanges between Jolly St. Nick and modern kids might turn out something like this:

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus?  I hope everyone is fine.  I have been a very good boy this year.  I would like an X-Box with the latest Call of Duty and an iPhone 6 for Christmas.  I hope you will remember that when you come on Christmas.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter.

Mrs. Claus and I are fine and thank you for asking.  Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting.  Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.  Since you have been a good boy, I think I will bring you something I you can go out and play with outside.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

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Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the ‘naughty vs. nice’ contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant me what I have asked for.  I certainly would not want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.  Also, don’t you think that a jibe about my weight coming for an overweight that only goes out once a year is out of line?

Respectfully,

T. Jones

================

Young Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have more or less met the ‘nice’ criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is a guarantee of delivery.  Should you wish to pursue legal action that is your right.  Please know that the law firm of Strong and Woodall has been on retainer since the Burgermeister/Meisterburger affair and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.  Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health but also improve your social skills.  Perhaps you might even find better friends than those losers you are hanging out with now.

Sincerely,

S. Claus

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Look here Fat Man,

I told you what I wanted and tried to be nice about this but now you are insulting me and disrespecting my friends.  I am about to tweet my crew and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass; I am taking my game console, my phone and whatever I want man.  Got that!

T-Bone Jones

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Listen you little jerk,

If you think a dude that gets into every house in the world in one night and never gets caught is worried about some little wannbe gangster?  Remember the song?  ‘I know when you are sleeping’?  That means I know where you sleep, too. I got you wired little Timmy.  Do you know what kind of resources I have at my disposal?  You are not getting that stuff you asked for, but I am still gonna stop by your crib and give you the man-sized thumping you deserve.  Chew on that Petunia.

S. Clizzy

======================

Dear Santa,

On reflection, bring me whatever you see fit.  I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

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Timmy,

Yeah, that is what I thought…

Santa

A few Christmas one liners:

-A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr. and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.

-This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

-I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

And finally a press release from Amazon:

NORTH POLE (API) - Amazon announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Amazon would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Amazon will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning October 30, 2015, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Amazon. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired North Pole Court. Amazon stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Jeff Bezos replied "Amazon has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of the Kindle Fire." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Amazon logo, and a new Christmas 2011 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Amazon Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." He continued, "Our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2015. It will be bigger and better than last year." He further elaborated that "Amazon users who sign up with Amazon Prime will get sneak previews of Christmas 2015 as early as November first." Christmas 2015 is scheduled for release in December of 2015, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2012. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Amazon controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Bezos explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Seattle. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

Dad's JOW #743

What with son Ivan getting engaged my thoughts turned to engagement things.  My daughter is marrying a man with a name that is not a problem.  Imagine the headline if she had fallen from a man with the good German name Pinscher.  The wedding announce would be:

Pinney – Pinscher

Instead Mr. John Pinscher popped the question to Miss Joyce Fanny leading to the headline:

                Fanny – Pincher

A brief investigation led to these actual nuptial announcements:

Traylor – Hooker

Wang – Holder

Golden – Showers

Jaeger –Meister

Gowen – Geter

Looney – Warde

Hardy – Harr

Bush – Baybee

Wendt –Adaway

Gross – Pantii

And my favorite: McDonald – Berger

Which led me to ‘dad jokes’: those jokes that dads fine hilarious much to the chagrin of their kids.  When you are a dad it is your OBLIGATION to tell corny jokes to embarrass you children.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote.  I thought ‘this changes everything.’

I used to hate facial hair.  But then it grew on me.

“Dad, I’m hungry.”

“Hello Hungry, I’m Dad.”

“Are you alright, Dad?”

“No, I am half left.”

Prisoners are now taking their own mug shots.  They call them cellfies. 

“Can you make me a sandwich?”

“Abracadabra!  You’re a sandwich.”

“Do you feel like an ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Well, you don’t look like an ice cream.”

“I fell off a 20 foot ladder today.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.  I was on the bottom rung.”

My dad today was saying "duck you, duck this".

I asked him why are you saying duck?

He said he didn't want to curse, but he still wanted to use fowl language.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

If you do not like elevators take steps to avoid them.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!  (Sound it out.)

"Hey, Dad, what’s this movie about?" It's about two hours.

“What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?”

“I don’t know.”

“You can tune a piano but you can’t piano a tuna.”

“What about the glue?”

“I knew you would get stuck there.”

“Have you heard about the movie Constipation?”

“No.”

“That is because it hasn’t come out yet.”

Of course all dads have ‘dad jokes’ but my friend Andy is a physicist and so his dad jokes are a bit different.

“Hey Dad, what’s up?”

“Up is a directional vector with no force.”

“Dad, it is cold in here”

“So, go stand in a corner”

“How will that help?”

A corner is 90 degrees.

He renamed the printer bob Marley because it was always jammin’.

Warm Fire Arm JOW #742

Tor sent me a post that got me thinking about the differences between how we view things in different parts of the country.  While we are certainly more united than disparate, it seems these days the only topic discussed in the media is how we are different and why the other side should change.  Few topics are more polarized by region then that of guns.  The far west coast, the greater New York area, and Chicago are on one side of the gun issue while central and southern states are on the other side.  Living in Texas, it is consistent that I want to be on the ‘right’ side of guns, which is to say the side that has a handle.  Looking at the other end of a gun makes no logical sense.

So I have started out the jokes this week with a firearm theme.

Here is the bit Tor sent me:

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

 In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

 In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

 In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

 In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.

 In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Texas, he’d just be one of your neighbors.

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia , Mississippi , Tennessee , Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 In Florida he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

++++++++++++++++++++++

A black and white bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.

*************************

My friend asked me: 'If you could go back in time and shoot Hitler as a baby, would you?'
I replied: 'No, because as a baby, I probably wouldn’t strong enough to carry a gun

===============

I drew my gun. Then the guy in front of me drew his gun. Then I drew my other gun, and soon we were surrounded by some lovely drawings of guns.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I carry a concealed weapon.  Why?  Because a cop is just too heavy to carry.

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They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

……………………….

On Christmas morning two children are opening their presents. The younger gets a toy plane, remote control tank, a BB gun, a new bike, and a XBOX. The older gets a sweater and a book. The younger begins to taunt the older brother saying "Look, I got way more presents than you."
The older replies, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't have cancer!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in : Damn autospell - I meant "wifi, not "wife".

********************

And finally’ Tom provided a set of observations from what he has learned in life:

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, & drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 100 years. 

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter –I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
21. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?