Blowing hard JOW #1097

 Hurricane rolled right over my daughter’s house this week.  She evacuated and is fine; however I thought hurricanes would make a good topic for this week’s jokes.  Maybe I should wait to make hurricane jokes until everything has blown over. I am afraid my inbox could be flooded.  Here are my offerings along with some long story short jokes at the end.

I haven’t done any ‘knock knock’ jokes for a while.  Here are a few.

Knock Knock… Who’s there?

June… June who?

June know how to tell a good hurricane knock-knock joke

 

Knock, knock?

Who is there?

August…

August Who?

A gust of wind over 74 MPH could be the start of a hurricane

 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Hurricane

Hurricane who?

Hurry! Cane you run away from the storm? 

~~~~~

What happens to sailboats in a hurricane?  Mast destruction.

```````````

I heard Ida blew the roof off a cheese factory.  There’s brie everywhere.

++++++

I went into the kitchen and saw a hurricane making a pot of tea I thought hmmm, there’s a storm brewing.

=======

What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common?

Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

--------

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in the Caribbean....you could say I have tropical depression.

^^^^

A hurricane tore off a quarter of a roof.

oof.

A hurricane tore off half a roof.

Ro

>>>> 

A reporter is interviewing a victim of Hurricane Ida.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.
"So what are you going to do now?" asks the reporter. "Are you going to rebuild?"
"No," replies the victim. "I'm gonna move to Arkansas."
"Why Arkansas?"
"That's where the rest of my stuff is."

<<<<<< 

In light of Hurricane Ida, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team...

But there is an Eye in Hurricane.

“””””

Hurricane Ida was coming, and the matriarch was thirsty.  She always drinks a glass of port wine with every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of her friends came over to wait out the storm with her.  While at the grocery store stocking up on food, the old lady insisted on getting more port wine for her guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favorite brand.

“It’s okay.” She said. “Any Port in a storm.”

****

A Caribbean hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the confident Dr. Smythe.  “I am a generous donor to a number of charities.”

"So what?" shouted Marcus.

"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.

 

Finally, I have some ‘long story short’ jokes

Why do they call it the novel Coronavirus?

It's a long story...

 

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and a foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"
Man: "Well, it's a long story."

 

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...I lost the case.

 

To cut a long story short.

I became a film editor.

 

I was reading a book when my five year old cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then I told him "It’s a long story".

 

I came home one day to my wife ripping pages out of "Moby Dick" in the living room. "Why are you doing that?" I asked.

She replied, "Well, to make a long story short."

 

My dad has the heart of a lion.  Long story short - he is no longer allowed in a zoo

 

I just developed an app that lets me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.  I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me.  So I got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarize everything I've typed.

Long story short...I don’t think it works.

And finally

A man walked into his psychiatrist’s office.  He said, “Doc I had a dream. It went like this:
“I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep..."
After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on for half an hour, before the man finally said,"...beep beep beep beep. And then a bomb blew up and I woke up."
The psychiatrist, glad that the man stopped beeping, said," So to summarize, it was a beeping long story."

 

Hodgepodge JOW #1096

 Having just gotten back from a nice vacation in the cool mountains of southern Colorado, I don’t really have a theme for this week’s jokes; just some random thoughts and a few leftovers jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

*Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.

*Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

* Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus... or a really cool opotamus?
* Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something
* I had one anchovy. That's why I didn't have two anchovies
* I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
* This jacket is dry clean only... which means it's dirty.
* If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.
* I don't own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
* Snake eyes. It's a gambling term. Or it's an animal term, too.
* A fly was very close to being called a "land" because that's what it does half the time.
* I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally heats things up.
* Nothing wise was ever printed on an apron
* I’m afraid of sharks but only in a water situation

*The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

*I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.

*Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

*I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

*Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

*I’m tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.

~~~~~

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

>>>>> 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

<<<<<<< 

I don’t care how nice the hand soap is, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers

++++++

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.  Just one byte.

=======

I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.

^^^^^

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.  I am not in trouble yet.  But the thyme is cumin.

****

My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”.

That was not a nice postcard to receive.

```````

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Some leftover dog jokes

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of strong red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within a few minutes returns with a lovely bottle of Bordeaux wine in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet.

"Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?"

"Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a Bordeaux collie."

>>>>> 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

>>>>>>> 

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, “That will be $15."

There was a long uncomfortable silence before the bartender said, “You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often."

The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

-----

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." 

He said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

……….

A man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

And finally

An adult son tried having his mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told him that since the account was in his dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit him: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” 

 

Doggone sad JOW #1095

Dogs bring a lot into our lives: honesty, loyalty, and unalloyed joy at our every return.  It has been said that every boy needs a dog growing up - to teach him responsibility, loyalty, and to turn around three times before laying down to sleep.  Dogs also bring mortality into our families.  Oliver Wendell Holmes a black standard poodle, came into our lives at the early age of four weeks in June, 2012 to begin training as Ruth’s service dog.  He helped Ruth through some difficult times both here and in the Rio Grande Valley as Ruth went through her degree program to become a Physician’s Assistant.  And of course, he was an integral part of our family. Oliver helped others as well, providing pain management and support in the hospital for our friend Robert, and most recently helping Robert manage his life as a quadriplegic.  But Oliver, normally the most active and engaging of dogs became lethargic and stopped eating, began to waste away, and was in obvious pain.  Last night we took him to the vet and confirmed what we had feared: Oliver had terminal cancer.  We chose to have him painlessly euthanized without a long, drawn-out struggle.  Sometimes we treat our pets better than we do our people.  We miss Oliver terribly and are grieving for him.  Grief is the price you pay for love.

But humor is a good antidote.  They say there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  I say there are two more stages: Saturday and Sunday.  You just put your head down and keep on going. 

So here are some jokes about loss and grief.

^^^^^^

My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Now I’m really bummed out... Okay, tell me about it.

`````````````

My friend told me "The first stage is grief"

"Isn't it denial?" I replied.
"No, not for me it isn’t."

<<<<<<< 

What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

De Nile.

>>>>>> 

The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations.

All proceeds go towards Good Grief counsellors.

~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word.

The widow nods.
The man says "Plethora"
The Widow says "Thanks, that means a lot"

---------------

My grief counsellor died the other day

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her home.
The neighbors next door politely ignored her crying, trying their best to respect her grieving. However, their seven year old son was perplexed by her behavior.
One day, while waiting for the bus, the boy saw the widow doing her usual wailing. Overcome with curiosity, he walked over to her and tugged on her sleeve.
"Why do you only cry early in the day?"
"I guess I'm just a mourning person."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours, Steve was back home, having cut his trip short in grief and in anger at his friend. He told his friend, "Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent the message ’Your cat climbed up on the roof today,’ and the next day you could’ve written ’Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days into his trip, he returns to his hotel and there’s a message waiting for him from his friend.

The message read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

+++++++++

The friend approached the grieving widow at the funeral.

"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"
She sniffled and feebly replied.
"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"

============

The grief-stricken man threw himself across the grave and began bitterly, "How terrible life is for me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."
A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed he was," moaned the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
And finally, some Canadian humor
Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a couple of bar stools. 
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson beers, draft please." 

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?" 
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"       ...   Jim nods. 
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim?  And we can't stand the English people, they're so stuffy, arrogant and rude." 
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. 
John says: "Gives Jim a chance to drive.”

 

Infantile JOW #1094

 This week’s JOW is in honor of Ivan and Sarah’s new son, Wyatt Michal Pinney.  He weighed a whopping eight and a half pounds & 21.5”.   Which is why his mom was glad to have him out.  She was running out of womb. It is hard to make jokes about newborns… the delivery is too painful.  But jokes about babies in general are easy.

>>>>>>> 

Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m."

Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."

<<<<<< 

I rushed to the hospital when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak…
No problem; apparently all newborns are like that.

^^^^^

 A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear.

Unless it is 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.

++++++

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have teddy bears.

He had real bears.

======

Random person to a parent holding two identical babies: "Hey! Are those twins?"

Parent: "Triplets, actually. I just leave the ugly one at home."

-------

There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why?

It was the delivery.

~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?

Manuel.

``````

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.
I said no, 40 babies are enough.

……

The nursey attendant told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

 

Some Social Media baby jokes

Which app can babies use to see thousands of photos of people who want to buy them toys?
Instagrandma

 

What social media site is for babies who want to go on playdates?
Tindergarden

 

What social media app helps babies fall asleep by playing long-winded, monotonous conversations?
Napchat

 

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”

^^^^^^

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Some baby riddles

Why can't a parent change a light bulb?

Because they don't make diapers small enough.

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry.

 

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

 

New Mom: "Why is there a strange baby in the crib?"

New Dad: "You told me to change the baby."

Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?

Data.

 

Russian father asks his infant son...

He says "Hello, comrade baby.. You know who I am, no?"
The baby responds "Da....da..."

 

What do you call a really, really big ant?

A GIANT!

Now what do you call a baby ant?
An Infant!

What do you call an ant that’s into business?
A Merchant!

 

Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?

Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.

 

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.
And then another...
And then another...
Add infant item

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the demon baby appeared I ignored it for a while.

But eventually I had to address the hell infant in the room

>>>>> 

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby. And he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum.”

And finally, a related lawyer joke.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.  A year after his last visit he scheduled another vacation at the inn.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ about whether we’d rather have a bastard in the family, or a lawyer.”

 

Dog Star Days JOW #1093

We are in the Dog Days again.  The term “Dog Days” traditionally refers to a period of particularly hot and humid weather occurring during the summer months of July and August. This period of sweltering weather coincides with the year’s morning rising of Sirius, the Dog Star. Interestingly, totally separate ancient cultures with no apparent communication have related the brilliant Sirius with either a wolf or a dog.  This does not, however, have any link to the American term, ‘hot dog’.  However, every year at this miserable time I devote one of my JOWs to our canine companions.  I hope you like them.

I told my dog a joke about fetching a stick

And he didn’t get it…

I threw a ball for my dog...

It was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

 

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

 

Dog riddles

Q. How do dog catchers get paid? A. By the pound!

Q: What kind of dog chases anything red? A: A Bulldog.
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee? A: A Greyhound Buzz.

Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?

A: They get their masters.

======

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"

"No. Is he any good?"

+++++

"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy."

-------

"What are your dog’s names?"

"Calvin and Klein"
"Like the underwear?"
"They are boxers."

“”””

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird and say: “Hey, is that a lump on you?  It could be a tumor.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Before the dog trainer met with a new client, she had him fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

The client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” 

A couple of first person dog jokes

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four young children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

```````

I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it was sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film.  I was astounded.
When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner on the shoulder and tell him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

<<<<<< 

A man comes home and finds his dog holding his neighbor’s pet rabbit’s lifeless body

Realizing what has happened and fearing his neighbor’s ire, he quickly retrieves the rabbit, washes it and places it back in its cage, hoping his neighbor thinks it died of natural causes.
The following day his neighbor asks him if he knows what happened to Fluffy.

“Er.. Um.. of course not... what happened?”, he replied.

His neighbor explained, “We just found him dead one day. The weird thing is, after we buried him, someone dug him out of his grave, washed him and placed him back in his cage. There are some sick people out there.”

 

Please forgive me for the following jokes.      Let’s consider this a trigger warning.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

 

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own dogs than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

 

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

 

At the subway station I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

 

And finally, a ‘joke’ about cats.

A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.
"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."
"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.
"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor and says, "Guard cat, the carpet!"
Suddenly, a cat jumps out of a pen and tears the carpet to shreds.
The clerk points outside and says, "Guard cat, the dead tree!"
The cat runs outside and reduces a large, leafless tree standing next to the sidewalk to a pile of sawdust. Convinced, the husband pays the clerk and goes home with the cat.
"Hey!" says the wife when she sees the cat. "I asked you to buy a guard dog!"
"This is a guard cat," explains the husband. "They were out of guard dogs."
"Yea, right," says the wife, rolling her eyes. "Guard cat, my ass."