The Wright Stuff JOW #993

I borrow relentlessly for my weekly jokes.  Since there is no money involved, no problem.  That does not mean you don’t have to send me money, just don’t say it is for the Jokes of the Week.  Unless of course you want to get me in trouble.

Dick turned me on the work of Steven Wright - he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."  His mind works differently than the rest of us.  Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

36 - There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

37 - You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

38 - Right now I am having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time...  I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Scenes from a divorce court.

“Your honor, every night my wife is out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

The judge asks, “Why was she doing that”

“Well, mostly she was looking for me.”

Which reminded me of a bar joke

As the waitress entered the bar, the bartender demanded, "Why are you late?"
The waitress explained, "It was terrible. I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful accident. A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there on the street. He was a bloody mess. Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."
The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"
She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees so I wouldn’t faint!"

More random thoughts

·         Sobriety tests are getting ridiculous.  Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

·         You never appreciate what you have until it’s gone.  Toilet paper is a good example

·         My wife said she needs to embrace your mistakes.  Then she gave me a hug

·         You learn things as you get older.  For example I learned that apparently you can get hurt while sleeping.

And finally

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

 A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone!

 He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

 I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!

 The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm."

 He began his series of questions:

 Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

 Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

 Tower: "Okay,   that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

 Aircraft:  "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"

 Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"

Aircraft:  “The pee is running out of my shirt collar!"

JOW 'Fore' you #991

My theme this week is golf.  I no longer play the accursed’ game, but I understand it is enjoyed by many, sometimes to the point of obsession.  I found it to be intensely frustrating, although golf courses are very pretty.  I do enjoy turning on a golf tournament on a hot Sunday afternoon.  Golf provides great eye candy and makes a great nap background.  You don’t have to pay attention to the game because nothing is going to happen and the announcers always speak in quiet tones. 

Here are some jokes that are mostly about golf.

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… 

Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. 

A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.  

“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.” 

~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

_____________

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.”

“Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two shots.”

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Some quotes on the game

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

I was three over today: one over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time i ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula.  And it took me seven strokes to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at 'em. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt.  The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~H. G. Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation.  If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today, i hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives.  Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

Dick provided this anecdote about Lee Trevino.  A wealthy man he was living in a fancy house in a posh Dallas neighborhood.  One day he was gardening, his hobby, around the roses in his front yard when a red Cadillac convertible with a bejeweled blond woman driver pulled up.  The woman admired Lee's garden and asked him to come garden for her.  Lee politely declined.  The woman, used to getting her way, kept insisting and finally asked him what reward it would take for him to change his mind. Ever a gentleman, Lee responded that the lady of that house let him sleep with her every now and then.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

 Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams. They revealed that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per month, whereas Japanese men in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

 This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the gym, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese

And finally, another contribution from Dick who sent me this old Jay Leno joke,

“A study recently revealed that the group of immigrants that acclimates fastest to life in America is the Chinese.  That is amazing because most Chinese people don’t know a word of Spanish when they get here.”

Are you Sirius JOW #990

Ah, the Dog Days of summer, so named because they happen when Sirius, the Dog Star is at its closest point.  Here in East Texas that dog has big teeth too, because it is HOT.  Why we got over a foot of sunshine just yesterday.  Every year I celebrate the Dog Days by featuring dogs in my Jokes of the Week.

First, a joke better said than read

Me: What kind of a dog did you get?

Friend: Husky

Me: (In a lower, raspy voice) what kind of a dog did you get?

<<<<<<<<<< 

A woman was bragging to her friend about her dog, “Our dog is so smart! He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”

Her friend replied, “That’s not that special. Many dogs do that.”

“But we aren’t subscribed to any newspapers!”

>>>>>>>>>>> 

I man walks into an animal hospital with his Bulldog and says “My dog is cross-eyed, can you fix it?”

The vet replies, “Let’s have a look at what’s wrong.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. After thoroughly inspecting the dog for a few minutes, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?! You’re going to put him down because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he is really, really heavy.”

Dog riddles

Q: Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat?
A:  Cats can’t drive!

Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got two left feet!

Q: What do a dog and a cell phone have in common? 

A: Collar ID

Q: Where does a dog go after it loses its tail?

A: The retail store

++++++++++++

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. ‘Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! I don’t know what to do! Please help.”

The doctor replies, “Okay, have him get on the couch.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Wait, no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

Some dog breed ‘changing a light bulb’ jokes

Afghan
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Australian Shepherd
First put all the bulbs in a little circle ...

Border Collie
Just one.  And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund
I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Doberman Pinscher
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb

Labrador
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeease let me change the light bulb!!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Pointer
I see it! There it is! Right there!

Toy Poodle
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

If dogs could send letters to God

Dear God, I have some questions:  

·         Why do humans smell flowers but seldom if ever smell each other?

·         If a dog barks his head off in a forest and no human hears him is he still a Bad Dog?

·         Why are there cars named after jaguars, cougars, mustangs, and rabbits, but no dogs?  All we got was a big old bus.

·         When I get to heaven can we sit on the couch or will it be the same old story? 

·         And are there mailmen in heaven?  If so, will I have to apologize? 

·         And can I have my testicles back?

Notes to the dogs

·         The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

·         I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

·         Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

·         For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. I must exit through the same door I entered.

·         Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine attendance is not mandatory.

A final dog joke

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!” 

Snarky Shark JOW #989

As usual, I am a week behind events.   The 31^st annual Shark Week was aired on Discovery channel last week. I can’t believe it was Shark Week.  It seems like just yesterday I was taking down the Shark Week decorations.  Shark Week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are on TV. 

Perhaps we should cancel Shark Week this year in deference to all the Sharknado survivors; never forget.  Or perhaps you just skipped the whole week.  That would be outrageous – Jumping the Shark Week.

Anyway, here are some snarky sharky jokes:

^^^^^^^^^^^

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.

Just not RIGHT before I die.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Shark safety tip:  Carry a nail when scuba diving.  It distracts the Hammerheads.

===============

Pig Week.  It’s like Shark Week for rednecks.

^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy is swimming in the sea one day. Suddenly a massive whale surfaces, opens its mouth and swallows the guy down in one gulp.

The guy ends up still alive in the whale's enormous stomach. He looks around and is amazed to see a great white shark also in the whale's stomach with him.

The guy says to the shark, "Hey, you're a shark. Why don't you just bite your way out with your teeth?"

The shark smiles and says, "Bite my way out? But why would I do that when the meals here are so good?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

---

What's a shark's favorite bible story?

Noah's Shark.

---

Why did the shark cross the Great Barrier Reef?

To get to the other tide.

---

I've just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.

I'd better watch my ass.

---

The last ten times I've been to a costume party, I've gone as a shark.

The joke's wearing fin.

___________

Did you hear about the aquarium owner?

His shark was worse than his pike.

---

The star attraction at my local aquarium has been repossessed.

Turns out it was a loan shark.

---

Water polo. One shark away from being the greatest sport ever.

---

What's a shark's favorite science fiction TV show?

Shark Trek.

---

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

What do sharks eat for breakfast?  Captain Crunch

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The fur seal made it through shark-infested waters even though he had a broken flipper.  Sharks know “not to consume if the seal is broken.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.

They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the large mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

And finally a non-shark joke. 

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."