As some of you know I was helping my friend Craig bring his boat around from Key West to Texas. Unfortunately we had not counted on the attentions of Tropical Storm Debbie which formed as soon as we had departed and sat out on the middle of the Gulf right where we had intended to transit. We were blessed to receive the hospitality of a two acquaintances,Tom and Genie, who allowed us to moor at the dock outside their lovely house in Tarpon Springs. They are two of the nicest people on earth, taking in three virtual strangers into their home. Oh, yes, and Genie is also a gourmet cook. For a while Craig and I suspected that me might have actually not survived the experience and had gone to our reward.
Debby squatted out in the Gulf, closing it to passage for a week or more. I rented a car and returned home not by boat but by Avis; a thousand miles is a long way to drive in one day.
Thus my JOW this week is somewhat related to sailing or at least has a bit of a nautical theme. As Tennyson put it, “And may there be no moaning at the bar, when I put out to sea.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, paid a passing fisherman fifty dollars to pull him off with his boat.
After he was off the bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."
"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I haul sand out to the bar."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Some nautical terms explained:
• BOAT - Break Out Another Thousand
• Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
• Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
• Freeboard - Food and liquor supplied by the owner.
• Cruising - Repairing your boat in exotic locations.
• Why do sopranos make good sailors? Because they can handle high seas.
• Headway - What you are making if you can get the toilet to work.
• Pulpit - somewhere you pray you are going to pick up a mooring buoy.
• Tabernacle - something similar to pulpit, but a different religion.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bill and Tom had rented a boat and scuba gear to seek treasure off the coast of the Carolinas. They had been diving in various locations, with little success. It was starting to get very late, when they happened upon this old trunk on the bottom. The trunk was too heavy for them to raise, so they decided to come back the next day and bring tools to open it.
While on the boat, they looked around and realized they were several miles off shore.
Bill said, “Tom we need to somehow mark this spot, so we can find it tomorrow!"
Tom took a can of black paint and marked a big "X" on the bottom of the boat.
Bill, absolutely dumbfounded, said "Tom, I can't believe you did that! What if we can’t rent this same boat tomorrow?"
…………………………………………..
News Flashes:
- Two barges from Texas A & M, one carrying a cargo of red paint, other loaded with blue paint have collided at sea. Last radio contact confirmed that both crews were marooned.
-A ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong, was hit by a typhoon and has sunk - twenty-three times.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Naval officer (which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was seen chasing a giggling young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing any clothing. One of the charges levied against the officer was that of "being out of uniform."
The officer’s lawyer argued that the he was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The officer was acquitted.
Okay, finally a math problem; not just any math problem but the most dreaded kind, the Word Problem.
Three couples had rented a sailboat for the weekend, at a cost of $300.00. Each couple had chipped in $100.00 a piece to cover the cost of the boat. As they were getting ready to make way, a dock
hand flagged them down to say, "the owner of this boat has decided to give you back $50.00 in hopes to entice you to come back on another occasion." he proceeded to hand them 5- $10.00 bills.
The couples
then realized, there wasn't an easy way to divide 5- $10 bills equally between themselves. So they gave the dock hand a $20.00 tip and then divided the remaining 3- $10 between each couple.
So they each paid $100.00 apiece originally for the boat rental, and received $10.00 back. Then in essence they paid $90.00 for the boat.
Thus
$90 (The amount each couple paid) x 3 (The amount of couples) = $270 +
$20 (The tip they gave the dock hand) = $290.
Where did the other $10 go?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Greek-Like JOW
I just read that the EU will spend $319 billion to bail out the profligate Greek – about the same amount of money the US spent on the entire Space Shuttle program. Since the entire Greek economy is something of a joke I thought to provide you all with a few jokes with a Greek theme.
One of the oldest jokes on record (that is funny to modern tastes) is from the Greeks.
It seems a Greek philosopher ran afoul of an eastern despot who ordered the man to be executed.
“But sire,” the Greek protested, “I have many valuable things to teach you.”
“What can you possibly teach that is of interest to me?”
“Anything – I am such a fine teacher I can teach your horse to speak. If I cannot have him speaking to you in one year than you can go ahead and execute me.”
Intrigued, the King gave orders that the philosopher was to be housed in the stables and given unlimited access to the King’s favorite horse.
A few days later one of the philosopher’s friends came to visit him. The philosopher was sitting comfortably next to the stall where the King’s horse was kept.
“What are you thinking?” his friend challenged him. “You cannot teach a horse to talk.”
“I know. But a year is a long time. I may pass away naturally. The King may die. Or I may be able to teach this horse how to talk.”
---------------------------
In an ancient monastery in Greece, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Friar Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son; I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Friar Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Friar Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
……………………………………
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
This one is from Eric is not exactly Greek but is sort of related to the talking horse
A young cowboy goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he gave the dog away.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you can get rid that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"Sure, Dad, I can do it for only $5000."
"Good, here is the money. Take care of it."
The kid went on to law school, and is now a Congressman.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A couple is having dinner in a restaurant when the wife suddenly blurts out “I love you.”
The husband says: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies: “It's me, talking to the wine.”
And finally something completely different-
Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other.
One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"
The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken."
One of the oldest jokes on record (that is funny to modern tastes) is from the Greeks.
It seems a Greek philosopher ran afoul of an eastern despot who ordered the man to be executed.
“But sire,” the Greek protested, “I have many valuable things to teach you.”
“What can you possibly teach that is of interest to me?”
“Anything – I am such a fine teacher I can teach your horse to speak. If I cannot have him speaking to you in one year than you can go ahead and execute me.”
Intrigued, the King gave orders that the philosopher was to be housed in the stables and given unlimited access to the King’s favorite horse.
A few days later one of the philosopher’s friends came to visit him. The philosopher was sitting comfortably next to the stall where the King’s horse was kept.
“What are you thinking?” his friend challenged him. “You cannot teach a horse to talk.”
“I know. But a year is a long time. I may pass away naturally. The King may die. Or I may be able to teach this horse how to talk.”
---------------------------
In an ancient monastery in Greece, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Friar Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son; I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Friar Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Friar Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
……………………………………
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
This one is from Eric is not exactly Greek but is sort of related to the talking horse
A young cowboy goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he gave the dog away.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you can get rid that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"Sure, Dad, I can do it for only $5000."
"Good, here is the money. Take care of it."
The kid went on to law school, and is now a Congressman.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A couple is having dinner in a restaurant when the wife suddenly blurts out “I love you.”
The husband says: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies: “It's me, talking to the wine.”
And finally something completely different-
Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other.
One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"
The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Clockwork JOW
I had opportunity this week to visit my old friends Charles and Jane. Charles made his living making clocks – not assembling clocks, making clocks from scratch; that is he takes sheets of brass and metal bar stock and creates the gears and wheels, then assembling the bits into a pendulum clock. As they say, ‘a clockmaker is someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time.’
I brought him the clock I purchased from him sixteen years ago in for some minor work. (Okay, I confess, I took it apart and was unable to reassemble it.) Charles made reassembling it look easy. Actually it was easy if you are as mechanically gifted as Charles is; here is example for you engineers – he made a working scale model Sterling engine from bits he had lying about. He has a workshop that any small boy would give a limb to explore.
Jane suggested a JOW with a clock theme and as it seemed a ‘timely’ suggestion here it is.
*******************
Many years ago there was this handsome old sea captain who retired from the sea; he bought a little white house on top of a hill overlooking a small seaside village and lived there all alone. He converted the windows to portholes and the stairways to ladders, scraped the rust off everything and had it ship-shape in every way. Out in the yard he mounted a small cannon, which he fired off every day at precisely noon. He associated with nobody except the lad who brought him groceries and other things from the village, and even then he mostly hauled the basket up to his window with a rope and pulley. He had a peg leg, of course, but didn't make much of it, since he wore good long canvas pants at all times. He spent much of his time with his glass, looking out towards the horizon for passing ships, and sometimes studying the village, too. He got to know all the streets and shops, and even many of the people as they passed in and out: those who bought pork chops and those who bought lamb and what kind of hats and gloves they bought and where. One shop in particular was important to him - the shop of the watchmaker, who sold and repaired clocks. He had a large clock hanging outside (a real one, showing the time, and hanging from two heavy chains) as his sign. It was by this clock that the sea-captain set his own watch, for in those days radio and television had not yet been invented. So that while the villagers did not know the sea captain, he knew them. One day he decided to go down and have a closer look. He went to the butcher, the shoemaker, the baker and the dry-goods store. Nobody recognized him and he didn't tell. When he went to the watchmaker's he spent some time looking at the displays and asking some technical questions about the tools and such. Then he asked how the watchmaker set the time on his clocks.
"Well, there's this crazy old sea captain who lives up on that hill there, and every day exactly at noon he fires off this cannon,”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Bill bought an old clock at a flea market. A couple of days later he went back to the merchant and complained that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour.
“Didn’t you see the sign?” the merchant asked. “It said ‘25% off."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window that read, ‘I do not know what time it is.’
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window by a jogger.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45."
========================
A blonde asked someone what time it was. They told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
…………………………………….
Stella died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Billy Graham’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Tim Tebow’s clock. The hands have moved a few times, telling us that he told only a few lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Edwards’ clock?" asked Stella.
“His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
And that dialect joke reminds me of another one
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Tom
I brought him the clock I purchased from him sixteen years ago in for some minor work. (Okay, I confess, I took it apart and was unable to reassemble it.) Charles made reassembling it look easy. Actually it was easy if you are as mechanically gifted as Charles is; here is example for you engineers – he made a working scale model Sterling engine from bits he had lying about. He has a workshop that any small boy would give a limb to explore.
Jane suggested a JOW with a clock theme and as it seemed a ‘timely’ suggestion here it is.
*******************
Many years ago there was this handsome old sea captain who retired from the sea; he bought a little white house on top of a hill overlooking a small seaside village and lived there all alone. He converted the windows to portholes and the stairways to ladders, scraped the rust off everything and had it ship-shape in every way. Out in the yard he mounted a small cannon, which he fired off every day at precisely noon. He associated with nobody except the lad who brought him groceries and other things from the village, and even then he mostly hauled the basket up to his window with a rope and pulley. He had a peg leg, of course, but didn't make much of it, since he wore good long canvas pants at all times. He spent much of his time with his glass, looking out towards the horizon for passing ships, and sometimes studying the village, too. He got to know all the streets and shops, and even many of the people as they passed in and out: those who bought pork chops and those who bought lamb and what kind of hats and gloves they bought and where. One shop in particular was important to him - the shop of the watchmaker, who sold and repaired clocks. He had a large clock hanging outside (a real one, showing the time, and hanging from two heavy chains) as his sign. It was by this clock that the sea-captain set his own watch, for in those days radio and television had not yet been invented. So that while the villagers did not know the sea captain, he knew them. One day he decided to go down and have a closer look. He went to the butcher, the shoemaker, the baker and the dry-goods store. Nobody recognized him and he didn't tell. When he went to the watchmaker's he spent some time looking at the displays and asking some technical questions about the tools and such. Then he asked how the watchmaker set the time on his clocks.
"Well, there's this crazy old sea captain who lives up on that hill there, and every day exactly at noon he fires off this cannon,”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Bill bought an old clock at a flea market. A couple of days later he went back to the merchant and complained that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour.
“Didn’t you see the sign?” the merchant asked. “It said ‘25% off."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window that read, ‘I do not know what time it is.’
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window by a jogger.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45."
========================
A blonde asked someone what time it was. They told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
…………………………………….
Stella died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Billy Graham’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Tim Tebow’s clock. The hands have moved a few times, telling us that he told only a few lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Edwards’ clock?" asked Stella.
“His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
And that dialect joke reminds me of another one
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Tom
Monday, June 4, 2012
Drinking JOW
My JOW this week deals with the influence of alcohol in our lives. Well, that a few other things. Enjoy these jokes responsibly.
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two great quotations from Homer Simpson:
To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems –
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
One good one from Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
……………………………………………..
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk
British Constitution
Loquacious
Passive-Aggressive disorder
Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.
No more alcohol for me
Oh, no, I couldn’t. No one wants me to sing.
I don’t know how to dance.
I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.
No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.
================
Are you as tired of listening to all these drugs being sold on television as I am? And don’t you just hate listening to a list of side effects? Well, try reading this one aloud imitating the same irritating voice you hear on the air.
Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy? Are you plagued with shyness? Do you wish you could be more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who would like become pregnant should definitely try tequila.
Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all night strip poker. Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a retard, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing. Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are, resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.
So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding and start living with tequila!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Eric provided a few pearls of wisdom
-Money cannot buy happiness. It can, however, rent it for a while.
-If you help someone in trouble they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.
-Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
-Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate.
Some final random thoughts
I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy. The sign asked: “Why love one and eat the other?”
The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.
I do not advocate killing stupid people but I do think we should remove all those warning labels and just let things sort themselves out.
Tom
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two great quotations from Homer Simpson:
To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems –
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
One good one from Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
……………………………………………..
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk
British Constitution
Loquacious
Passive-Aggressive disorder
Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.
No more alcohol for me
Oh, no, I couldn’t. No one wants me to sing.
I don’t know how to dance.
I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.
No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.
================
Are you as tired of listening to all these drugs being sold on television as I am? And don’t you just hate listening to a list of side effects? Well, try reading this one aloud imitating the same irritating voice you hear on the air.
Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy? Are you plagued with shyness? Do you wish you could be more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who would like become pregnant should definitely try tequila.
Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all night strip poker. Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a retard, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing. Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are, resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.
So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding and start living with tequila!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Eric provided a few pearls of wisdom
-Money cannot buy happiness. It can, however, rent it for a while.
-If you help someone in trouble they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.
-Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
-Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate.
Some final random thoughts
I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy. The sign asked: “Why love one and eat the other?”
The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.
I do not advocate killing stupid people but I do think we should remove all those warning labels and just let things sort themselves out.
Tom
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