Understanding men and women JOW #761

Keith sent me some jokes on the eternal battle between men and women.  This is a fertile topic – which is fortunate if we want there to be a future generation.  Most of the problems between men and women have to do with understanding each other because we are very different.  For example:  to be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after. The genders even communicate with each other differently.  Men socialize by insulting each other, but they don’t really mean it.  Women socialize by complementing each other, but they don’t really mean it either.

Here are a few jokes about that tension between men and women.

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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' she replied, 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, “Texas A&M!'

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·         Marriage is a relationship where one person is right and the other is a husband.

·         “No, honey, I am not being stubborn,” I explained to my wife, “I am being right.”

·         My wife and I always compromise.  I admit I was wrong and she agrees with me.

·         It doesn’t matter how often a man changes his job; he still winds up with the same boss.

……………………………………….

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1.       Free drinks.

2.       Free dinners.

3.       Free movies.

4.       Speeding ticket? What's that?

5.       New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

6.       If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

7.       You can sleep your way to the top.

8.       It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

9.       No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

10.   No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

11.   Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

12.   If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

13.   If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

14.   You have the ability to dress yourself without embarrassing yourself.

15.   If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

16.   You can quickly end any fight by crying.

17.   Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

18.   There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

19.   You've never had a goatee.

20.   You'll never regret piercing your ears.

21.   You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

22.   You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

There are lots more reasons why it's great to be a guy

1.       Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2.       A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

3.       Monday Night Football.

4.       Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

5.       You can open all your own jars.

6.       Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.

7.       Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

8.       When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

9.       A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

10.   You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

11.   You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

12.   Your last name stays put.

13.   When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

14.   You can kill your own food.

15.   The garage is all yours.

16.   You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

17.   You never have to clean the toilet.

18.   You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

19.   Wedding plans take care of themselves.

20.   If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

21.   Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

22.   You don't have to shave below your neck.

23.   If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

24.   Everything on your face stays its original color.

25.   Chocolate is just another snack.

26.   You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

27.   Flowers and fix everything.

28.   You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

29.   You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

30.   You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

31.   Car mechanics tell you the truth.

32.   You don't care if someone notices your new haircut or not.

33.   You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: ‘He must be mad at me’.

34.   You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

35.   One mood, all the time.

36.   Same work....more pay.

37.   Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

38.   Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

39.   You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

40.   People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

41.   You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

42.   If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

43.   If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

44.   New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

45.   You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

46.   Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

47.   There is always a game on somewhere.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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A man is in a horrible accident that is so bad that he loses his 'manhood'... He goes to a doctor.
"Erm..." the doc says,"I can give you a new penis, a small is $8,000, a medium is $11,000, and a large is $14,000."
"I'll take a large!" the man says.
"You should really consult with your wife first." the doc says.
The man goes home and the next day he comes back in. The doc says "Hello, have you made a decision?"
"She would rather remodel the kitchen."

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Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Some quick questions and answers

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When does a woman care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

These problems between genders have been going on since the beginning.

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world...

Then He made the earth round , and laughed and laughed and laughed.              

Adam said he was feeling lonely and asked God for company.
"I was thinking of making you a woman," said God.
"What is a woman?" asked Adam.
"Nearly a man, only curvier," said God, "and also sweet, caring and loving and at your beck and call. She will be a wonderful sex partner to you anytime you wish."
"Gosh," said Adam, "how much will that cost?"
"An arm and a leg," said God.
"What could I get for a rib?" asked Adam.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Restaurant JOW #760

I went back to visit my kids/grandkids back in New Orleans this week.  My son is helping to open a restaurant in Mid City there in the Big Easy specializing in grill cheese cuisine.  They call it the Big Cheezy.  That got me thinking about restaurants and people who work in restaurants.

“Yay! It’s the weekend…” said nobody who ever worked in a restaurant.  It is not a job, it is a lifestyle.  While at a fancy French restaurant there, I thought I'd be cool and order the "Poulet a la Ferrari."   Turns out that was an ordinary chicken that'd been run over by a very fancy car. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Stanley had been a waiter ever since he was in high school. Now in his fifties, he still served people their meals in the same restaurant he loved so dearly. One day, though, Stanley

suffered a fatal heart attack.  His grief-stricken wife, Fannie, was also a firm believer

in spiritualism, and was certain that she would be able to talk to her departed husband's spirit. For months she attempted to contact him through an assorted number of psychics and spiritualists, but all to no avail.  One night, while thinking it over, she realized that the

reason she had so much trouble was because his spirit would remain haunting the place where he spent most of his time: the restaurant! She called up the restaurant and spoke to his

old boss. The man, willing to do anything to comfort a late employee's widow, agreed to let her stage a seance at the restaurant after closing time. 

The night of the seance, Fannie sat at a table, clearing her mind, and softly she spoke: "Stanley, can you hear me?"

"Hello, Fannie. How's by you?" came the unmistakable sound of Stanley's voice.

 "Stanley, I can barely hear you. Could you speak a little louder?"

 "I can't speak any louder. "

  "Well, can you move a little closer to me?"

  "No, that I cannot do."

  "Why not?"

  "I'm sorry, but that's not my table."

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A couple were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Hermosa Beach, CA.  The waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great tan and blond hair.  Mulling over the menu, the woman asked her if the roast beef was rare.   The waitress gave her a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, totally every day."

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A woman and her husband were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almandine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he’ll have the fish," she replies.

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·         Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant? Darth Waiter

·         Whenever I'm serving an uptight vegan, I tend to walk on eggshells...which really upsets them.

·         When you dine out and all the waiters are wearing gloves; do you ever wonder what's in the food that makes them so afraid?

·         Servers wonder why, when they ask people if they want something to drink, they say, "No, I'll just have water."

·         There is a special place in hell for people who never tip their servers – A place where they are always thirsty… and no one will bring them a glass of water

·         Sign in restroom: “Employees must wash hands.  You should, too, but I am not your mother.”  And in another (men’s) restroom I saw this one:  “We aim to please so you aim, too, please.”  You see it is all in the punctuation.

I am sure that servers arrive at work with best intentions and the right idea.  And then the customers start showing up.  There are a lot of jokes about interactions between servers and customers most dealing with a fly in the soup.  I have refrained from all but one of those – even I have standards.

“Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!”

“I'm doing my best, sir.”

First Man:  "Waiter, bring me a cup of tea!" Second Man:  "Bring me a cup of tea, too, and be sure the cup is clean."

Waiter, bringing the tea: "Two cups of tea! And which of you ordered the clean cup?"

"Sorry, waiter, I asked for the hamburger without the bun"

"My apologies, no bun intended"

"Waiter, waiter!  Bring me some alligator, and make it snappy!"

”Waiter, there is a Flea in my Red Hot Chili Peppers.” (A rock and roll reference)

"Waiter, will my pizza be long?" 

"No sir, it will be round!"

Okay, one fly in the soup joke; it is traditional

Waiter, there is a dead fly swimming in my soup! Don't be silly, dead flies can't swim!

A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the waiter right behind her.

Embarrassed, she sits back up abruptly, looks at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!"

To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"
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Two logic professors went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The professors looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.