Ruth and I are taking advantage of a kind offer to stay with friends and relations (actually they are both) in Lake Tahoe for the rest of the week. I am very much looking forward to the trip. I may even get a chance to try skiing again. It has been a while so I did few simple warm-ups to make sure I was prepared for the slopes:
• I went to the grocery store and paid $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, I burned two $20 dollar bills to warm up.
• I soaked my gloves and stored them in the freezer after every use.
• I begin wearing my glasses with glue smeared on the lenses.
• I threw away a hundred dollar bill every day.
• I put small angular pebbles in my shoes, lined them with crushed ice, and then tightened a C-clamp around my toes.
• I bought a new pair of gloves and immediately threw one away.
• I went to McDonald's and insisted on paying $9.50 for a hamburger. I also made sure I was in the longest line.
• I filled a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast my face.
• I put on as many clothes as I could and then proceed to take them off to practice going to the bathroom.
• I tied a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climbed a few flights of stairs.
• I sat on the outside of my second-story window ledge with my skis on and poles in my lap for 30 minutes.
• I tied my feet together at the ankles, lay down flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, and practiced getting to my feet.
I also looked up a few terms and definitions to refresh my memory. Here they are:
Skier
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Alp
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on.
Bones
There are 206 in the human body. Two of those bones (the ones in the middle ear) have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Ski!
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
The resort is walking distance from a casino. So a couple of gambling jokes are called for:
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher replies "Yes".
So the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says "I'm not betting on that."
" But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.
" Yes I am" says the butcher," but the steaks are too high."
=======================
A betting man had a dream in which he saw a huge glowing number "5" made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. That day in the racing form he saw that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element. This had to be more than a coincidence. He decided to stack the deck even more:
- He ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
- He went for a five mile jog
- He took a five minute shower
- He sat in his car for five minutes before starting it up
- He drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row
- He entered through the fifth admissions gate
- He went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
- He went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of him
The horse came in fifth.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thanksgiving JOW
The holidays have started especially early this year. The stores seem almost desperate to get us to spend our money for stuff that is often unwanted and seldom needed. There is an almost pleading aspect to the advertisements and sales. It is as though they think we can actually spend our way out of the current economic mess we are in.
Even so there is much to be thankful for. It is common and ancient tradition that after the harvest a feast is shared in celebration at the bounty that will sustain us through the winter. Of course, these days it is not just about the food, it is about friends and family. Even so, the food is a good thing─ no a great thing. Though I try to restrain my appetites, Thanksgiving is one day when I intend to overindulge. I am going to eat until I am sweatin' gravy. I expect to be responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"
====================
A friend of mine who was a state trooper once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state troopers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
====================
Traditions are good, but sometimes the original meaning is lost.
A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.
Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."
================
Young Bubba was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing, Gramma?" Bubba asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bubba said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
===============
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Possible new Thanksgiving-themed movies
• My Best Friend's Dressing
• The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
• Casserolablanca
• The Fabulous Baster Boys
• Silence of the Yams
• For Love of The Game Hen
• White Meat Can't Jump
• When Harry Met Salad
• The Wing and I
============================
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Do you have you any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, brings out the same turkey again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the scale. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman looking right at the butcher.
"I'll have both of them please."
============================
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who had the reputation of being an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called out,
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
=======================
And finally, a personal message from Ruth:
An affirmation for Thanksgiving:
Floating on a stream of unconditional thankfulness, I claim the stamina and tenacity of a hummingbird.
I know what I know, and I follow my divine intuitive urges with ever-flowing energy and unbounded excitement!
Even so there is much to be thankful for. It is common and ancient tradition that after the harvest a feast is shared in celebration at the bounty that will sustain us through the winter. Of course, these days it is not just about the food, it is about friends and family. Even so, the food is a good thing─ no a great thing. Though I try to restrain my appetites, Thanksgiving is one day when I intend to overindulge. I am going to eat until I am sweatin' gravy. I expect to be responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"
====================
A friend of mine who was a state trooper once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state troopers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
====================
Traditions are good, but sometimes the original meaning is lost.
A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.
Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."
================
Young Bubba was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing, Gramma?" Bubba asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bubba said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
===============
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Possible new Thanksgiving-themed movies
• My Best Friend's Dressing
• The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
• Casserolablanca
• The Fabulous Baster Boys
• Silence of the Yams
• For Love of The Game Hen
• White Meat Can't Jump
• When Harry Met Salad
• The Wing and I
============================
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Do you have you any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, brings out the same turkey again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the scale. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman looking right at the butcher.
"I'll have both of them please."
============================
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who had the reputation of being an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called out,
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
=======================
And finally, a personal message from Ruth:
An affirmation for Thanksgiving:
Floating on a stream of unconditional thankfulness, I claim the stamina and tenacity of a hummingbird.
I know what I know, and I follow my divine intuitive urges with ever-flowing energy and unbounded excitement!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Semi Retired JOW
I have come to the realization that I am semi-retired. This does not mean I have replaced the tires on my big truck. I just sort of work now and again─ well most of us do that, the difference is that I now only get paid now and again. I am staying busy though. I have decided that retirement is when you leave a life of work to start work on living. In one sense it is like being in college, only with more money and less hair.
Now that I am older I find that:
I 'm still the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I smile all the time because I can't hear a thing anyone is saying.
I have had compliments on my alligator shoes and I am barefoot.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I have trouble remembering simple words like.......
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
Some Wise old quotes:
•Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
•I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
•We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
•Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
•Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
•The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
•By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal
=====================================
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
=====================================
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!”
He stopped and continued, “I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'Roooaarrrrr!'"
===================================================
Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse. “He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in an unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he stooped to only five foot one, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora – don’t be too direct -ease into it.” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue coloured finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.
”I’ll deliver the message.”
Now that I am older I find that:
I 'm still the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I smile all the time because I can't hear a thing anyone is saying.
I have had compliments on my alligator shoes and I am barefoot.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I have trouble remembering simple words like.......
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
Some Wise old quotes:
•Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
•I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
•We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
•Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
•Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
•The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
•By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal
=====================================
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
=====================================
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!”
He stopped and continued, “I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'Roooaarrrrr!'"
===================================================
Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse. “He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in an unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he stooped to only five foot one, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora – don’t be too direct -ease into it.” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue coloured finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.
”I’ll deliver the message.”
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Veteran JOW
This being Veterans Day, I have a military theme for my JOW. I spent 24 years I the Navy, so I guess I am qualified to do a veteran-themed set of jokes. I must admit that I am a bit embarrassed about all the thanks that have been offered to me for my service. After all, I seem to remember getting paid for what I did. I must also admit, I joined the Navy in part because they let me go to exciting places, and drive big ships and blow stuff up; all at taxpayer expense. That said, it was a necessary job. I found this quote from an unlikely source and thought it applied rather well for Veteran’s Day.
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand watch in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm.” George Orwell
==================
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
===================
There are real differences in how the four services view the world. For example, if you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The Marine Corps would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
When the services start up a base from scratch, they all have different priorities.
The first thing Navy would put up a bulletin board so they can post watch bills.
The Marine Corps would build a barber shop first.
The Air Force would build a huge elaborate set of Officers and Enlisted Clubs right from the start.
The Army would initially erect a little hooch so they could hold awards boards to give each other medals.
I believe these differences are due in part to the very structure of the names of the various branches of the armed services.
For example the term “Marine” is from the Latin root “Mar” meaning “Sea”
And the term Navy traces its roots to the Greek “Navious” meaning “handsome” or "physically attractive”.
And Army is from the Latin “Armeus” which means to “bungle” or “screw up”
Of course the ancients were far too wise to allow the formation of an independent Air Force.
Marines have the right attitude for the military. Here are some actual USMC bumper stickers.
“When We Do our Job People Shoot at Us”
“When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine”
“Napalm is Okay by Me”
And here are the rules of the various services, (provided to me by a USMC Gunnery Sergeant)
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ¬
6. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
7. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
8. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
9. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
10. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
11. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
==================
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
=============
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
==============
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
5. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
6. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
7. Declare your assets to be "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
8. Always leave early enough to make your tee-time.
============
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
I like the Navy rules. They are clear, to the point, and way simpler than the Marine rules.
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand watch in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm.” George Orwell
==================
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
===================
There are real differences in how the four services view the world. For example, if you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The Marine Corps would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
When the services start up a base from scratch, they all have different priorities.
The first thing Navy would put up a bulletin board so they can post watch bills.
The Marine Corps would build a barber shop first.
The Air Force would build a huge elaborate set of Officers and Enlisted Clubs right from the start.
The Army would initially erect a little hooch so they could hold awards boards to give each other medals.
I believe these differences are due in part to the very structure of the names of the various branches of the armed services.
For example the term “Marine” is from the Latin root “Mar” meaning “Sea”
And the term Navy traces its roots to the Greek “Navious” meaning “handsome” or "physically attractive”.
And Army is from the Latin “Armeus” which means to “bungle” or “screw up”
Of course the ancients were far too wise to allow the formation of an independent Air Force.
Marines have the right attitude for the military. Here are some actual USMC bumper stickers.
“When We Do our Job People Shoot at Us”
“When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine”
“Napalm is Okay by Me”
And here are the rules of the various services, (provided to me by a USMC Gunnery Sergeant)
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ¬
6. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
7. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
8. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
9. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
10. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
11. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
==================
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
=============
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
==============
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
5. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
6. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
7. Declare your assets to be "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
8. Always leave early enough to make your tee-time.
============
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
I like the Navy rules. They are clear, to the point, and way simpler than the Marine rules.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Male Man JOW
This week I have chosen to pick on my own gender. That is pick on not scratch. I have some observations on males in general, and male athletes in particular. Nothing personal, guys.
-------------------------------------------
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine? '
'It depends, ' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ‘LSU! '
And they say blonds are dumb....
-------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals '
-------------------------------------------
Bil provided me with this little known baseball fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Of course Robin Williams said it best─ we enough blood to either use our brain or penis but not both at the same time.
My sister sent me these pearls of male athletic wisdom:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all those kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Okay, so there is a bit of self depreciation there…
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He replied, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford ─ “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
Finally, here are some hints to help you ladies understand men:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of bonding.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . (though it might be possible for an engineer to get by with holding a calculator).
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
If you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
-------------------------------------------
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine? '
'It depends, ' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ‘LSU! '
And they say blonds are dumb....
-------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals '
-------------------------------------------
Bil provided me with this little known baseball fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Of course Robin Williams said it best─ we enough blood to either use our brain or penis but not both at the same time.
My sister sent me these pearls of male athletic wisdom:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all those kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Okay, so there is a bit of self depreciation there…
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He replied, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford ─ “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
Finally, here are some hints to help you ladies understand men:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of bonding.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . (though it might be possible for an engineer to get by with holding a calculator).
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
If you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
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