Grand Old JOW #723

We will be heading to Washington for a birthday at the Army Navy Club this week.  We will be staying there.  The Army Navy Club is a wonderful old place, located in downtown DC, only a few blocks from the White House.  Not only will we have a chance to visit Travis, we plan on partying with some of our old friends.  I mean they are old – like in their 60’s and 70’s – you know, old.   But you get better at things as you get older including knowing how to have a good time.  Just check out the parking lot before any Jimmy Buffet concert.  Kinda brings a new meaning to the term ‘Grand Old Party’.

So my theme this week is about old people and people who know how to have a good time.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Three old men are in the doctor’s office for a memory test. 

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“Two hundred and seventy four,” he replies confidently.

The doctor rolls his eyes and moves to the next old guy.

“Okay, it is your turn.  What is three times three.”

“Tuesday.”

The doctor shakes his head and moves to the third man.

“What do you think three times three is?”

“Nine,” the third man promptly answers.

“That is great,” the doctor smiles.  “You remembered.”

“Naw,” the third man said, “I just subtracted two hundred seventy four from Tuesday.”

An old man was wheeled into the doctor’s by his companion.

“Doc, he is in pretty bad shape.  I think you need to do a full workup on him,” she told the physician.

“Well, we better do a full work up on him. We will need to do some tests on the old boy; let’s start with a urine and stool sample.”

“What did he say?” asked the old man querulously.

The woman leaned over and spoke loudly into the old man’s ear.  “He says he needs your underwear.”

=====================

“Why are you doctor’s so expensive?” complained the old man during his physical. “Why my vet charges a tenth of what you do.”

“Yes,” replied the doctor.  “And if their patients don’t get better they can put them down.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train, when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn't there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.
"The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'
"Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'
Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

Some pithy bits from Richard of Pacific Palisades.

·         I am not saying we should kill all the stupid people, just remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

·         You can tell a woman’s mood by just looking at her hands.  If, for example, they are holding a weapon, she is probably angry.

·         I don’t like making too many plans for the day because then the word ‘premeditated’ starts getting thrown around in the courtroom.

·         Not to get too technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

·         If Bill Gates dies while on life support will they turn off the machine and then turn it back on to see if that works?

·         Then there was the Hokey Pokey Rehab Clinic: A place to turn yourself around.

A recent survey of American women had the following results:

31% thought their ass was too big.

17% thought their ass was too small.

52% didn’t care, they loved him anyway and were going to keep him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man is sitting outside a bar enjoying a quiet drink when a nun came up to him and began to berate him on the dangers of drink.

“How do you know that alcohol is so bad?  Have you ever tried it?”

“Of course not,” the nun replied.

“Well let me buy you a drink and if after that you still think it is evil then I will take the pledge.”

“Well, I couldn’t possibly be seen out here drinking.  Perhaps if you could put it in a teacup then I could try some.”

So the man goes in to the bartender and orders two whiskeys.  “And would you mind putting one of the whiskeys in a teacup?”

The bartender rolled his eyes.  “Oh, no, it’s that bloody nun out there again.”

Broadway Musical JOW #722

I was challenged to come up with some jokes about Broadway musicals.  Most of them are jokes themselves.  But there is a fair amount of theater/music jokes that came to me.  I also included a link to a song that, as a wordsmith are near and dear to my heart.  I hope you enjoy these offerings.

……………………

You know the film version of Les Miserable was so disappointing to me.  I mean they had Wolverine, Cat Woman, and Gladiator all together and they… sang.

Theatrical Logic:

In is down, down is front. Out is up, up is back. Off is out, on is in. And of course, left is right and right is left. A drop shouldn't and a 'block and fall' does neither. A prop doesn't and a cove has no water. Tripping is OK. A running crew rarely gets anywhere . A purchase line buys you nothing. A trap will not catch anything. A gridiron has nothing to do with football. Strike is work (in fact, a lot of work). And a green room, thank God, usually isn't.

Now that you're fully versed in theatrical terms, break a leg.  But not really.

Once upon a time there was a young man who decided to eschew modern life and, abandoning a promising career as a Broadway singer and became a monk.  He loved the fact that each morning a bell would ring and the monks would all assemble in the dining hall at a long table and stand waiting for the abbot.  That worth would come in, stand at the head of the table and chant in a rich baritone –“Good Morning”

And the monks would chant back “Good Morning”.

Then they would sit down for breakfast.

After a hard day of prayer and study the monks would once again assemble at the sound of the bell and take their places at the long table and wait for the abbot for the evening meal. 

He would come in and chant “Good Evening”.

 And the monks would chant back to him “Good Evening.”

And then they would have their dinner.

The young monk threw himself into his studies sometimes staying up all night.  Inevitably it happened:  He became confused at so whether it was day or night.  Hearing the bell he hurried to the dining hall and barely reached his place before the abbot arrived.

As he did every morning the abbot intoned, “Good Morning.”

The young monk, confused instead of replying chanted “Good Evening”.

The abbot had a keen ear.  He cocked his head and in the same fine voice chanted out,

“Someone chanted evening.”

++++++++++++++++++++

Here are some proposed titles for Broadway shows that were rejected.

·         Jersey Boyz N The Hood

·         Guys and Blow-Up Dolls

·         Jekyll & Hydroponics

·         Bugspray Hair

·         Enormous Women

·         Little Shop of Hoarders

·         Little Shop of Hors d'Oeuvres

·         You're a Good Man, Charlie Sheen

·         Damn Yankees, Fuckin Mets

·         Beauty and the Yeast Infection.

·         Chorus Mime

·         "On A Clear Day You Can See Russia From My House"

·         The Book of Moron

·         The Book of Morbid

·         The Phantom Menace of the Opera

·         Whittler on the Roof

·         The Undergraduate S

·         White Power Christmas

·         Dream Grills

·         Elbow Grease

·         Grease Fire

·         Jersey Shore Boys

·         How to Succeed in Business without a Government Bailout

·         The Nylon King

·         Springtime for Hitler

·         Kanye West Side Story West

·         Don King & I

A couple of Broadway tune knock-knock jokes – feel free to sing along

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Stephanie!
Stephanie who?
Stephanie-six trombones led the big parade!

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet Who?
Sam and Janet Evening....

(I love that song)

What do you call ghosts who scare talk show hosts?

The Phantom of the Oprah.

And while I am on a music riff here are a couple of backward music jokes:

Q. What do you get when you play the blues backward?

A. Your wife comes back, your dog returns to life, and you get out of prison.

Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backward?

A. New Age music.

Here are a couple of jokes that are completely different

During a transatlantic flight, former president Bill Clinton is busily working on a crossword puzzle. However, he gets stuck in the middle, so he turns to a speechwriter sitting in the next seat and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word meaning 'woman' which ends in U-N-T?"

The writer scratches his head, thinks for a minute, and replies, "Aunt. A-U-N-T."

Bill looks embarrassed, and whispers, "Got an eraser?"

STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUE:

Give this a try:

Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose. Exhale slowly. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You breathe deeply.

You can easily make out the face of the asshole who stressed you out in the first place and whose head you're now holding under the water.

Allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now ... feeling better?

World Cup JOW #721

There are only two days out of the year that there are no scheduled games on television for the big four sports: Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey: the day before the Baseball All-Star game and the day after.  We are entering the dead zone for sports.  Of course there was recently the shared spectacle of watching the World Cup.  I watch the World Cup faithfully just to confirm what I knew four years ago – soccer is boring.  Okay, soccer can be watchable if you have a kid in the game, but on TV, forget it.  Soccer is worse than golf.  Both are nice as background for a nap but golf has better vistas and unlike golf, soccer announcers shout excitedly when nothing is happening (which is pretty much most of the time).  How can you love a game where a 0-0 tie is considered exciting?  And the criteria for success baffles most Americans:  In the recent World Cup the U.S. lost to Germany, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. advanced. That's the rules — and that in a nutshell is why Americans don't follow soccer.  If you love soccer and you live in the US, you have to wait four years for a World Cup to see any real games; kind of like making an appointment with a VA doctor.  Still, I thought I would have a go at some jokes in honor of the World Cup.  I hope I can score at least once with one of them.

            Of course the late night pendants had fun with soccer:

·         "Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, 'We're going to invade Disney World!'"

·         “Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup.”

Some stupid soccer riddles

Q: What is the difference between Ghana and the Bermuda triangle?

A: The Bermuda triangle has three points.

Q: What lights up a football pitch at night?

A: A football match.

Q: What’s the best place to shop for a new soccer shirt?
A: New Jersey.

Q: What’s harder to catch the faster you run?
A: Your breath!

…………….

Boy: What jersey should I buy?

Girl: Buy a goalie's jersey!

Boy: Why?

Girl: So I can tell people my boyfriend's a keeper.

Soccer is famous for the rough behavior of the fans

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canal' asked the magistrate.

'Stones, sir.'

'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'

'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a local match between Arsenal and Liverpool last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Liverpool. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the home end."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

**********************

A soccer fan arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

‘Let me spell it out for you,' responded the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

---

As a change of pace here is a  golf joke from Sir Richard of the West Coast:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first guy said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00 and confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation… and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

            Finally for no good reason here are a few strange facts:

·         France was still executing people by guillotine when Star Wars was released.

·         People born blind have never seen a smile but know to make one when they are happy.

·         You can spell upside down upside down by using the letters umop apisdn.

·         People graduating college this year have never experienced life without The Simpsons.

·         1998 is as far away from today as 2030 is.