I just completed a road trip of a couple of
thousand miles. When you are on the road
that much you see lots of signs. That got me thinking about signage in general
and jokes about signs in particular.
There is a joke attached at the bottom, but most of the rest are just
short one line signs. Enjoy
I will start with bar signs:
Husband day care-
Need
time to relax?
Want
to go shopping?
Need
some time to yourself?
Leave your husband with us. We will look after him. No charge other than his drinks!
Did you know 2-4 glasses of wine can reduce
your risk of giving a damn.
Free Beer!
Topless waitresses!! False
advertising!!
Soup of the day? Beer.
No Hipsters!!!
We have had it with our hairy faces, strict vegetarian
diets, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding.
No, wait…. Hamsters. No Hamsters!!
Wanted – customers! No previous experience needed as full
training will be given. Apply within.
Alcohol will not solve your problems. But neither will water.
If you don’t drink, how will your friends know
you love them… at 2 AM.
Buy any two drinks, and pay for them both.
Look at your woman. Have a beer.
Now gaze at your woman. Doesn’t
she look better?
There is a bar called El Arroyo that is famous
for its changing signs:
·
Can’t remember her name in the
morning? Take her to Starbucks, she’ll tell the barista.
·
Willy Wonka was the original Hunger
Games
·
Don’t worry password. I’m insecure, too.
·
The days of good grammar has went.
·
How did the hipster burn his
tongue? He drank is coffee before it was
cool.
·
I hate Russian dolls because they are
so full of themselves.
·
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but
I turned myself around.
·
Treat your mom to a margarita. You are probably the reason she drinks.
·
We have beer colder than your ex’s
heart
·
I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
·
My favorite kind of cake is more.
·
Autocorrect is my worst enema.
----------------------------------
Welcome to our OOL. Notice there is not ‘P’ in our pool. Let’s keep it that way.
And
Sharks have been spotted in this pool. They come out when they smell pee.
Danger: The dog has a gun. And he refuses to take his medication.
Beware of the dog. The cat is not trustworthy, either.
In case of fire exit the building before
tweeting about it.
Anyone caught exiting through this door will
be asked to leave.
At a Dairy Queen: I scream, you scream, the police come.
Awkward.
I love people who attach signs onto
signs:
This door is alarmed
What
startled it?
This fountain turned off due to leakage.
When
will it be turned on due to fixage?
Road closed
If
you are a pussy.
Stop.
In
the name of love.
At a coffee shop.
Small
coffee - $5
Small
coffee, please - $3
Good
morning, may I have a small coffee, please -$2
After I drink coffee I like to show the IT guy
the empty mug and tell him I have installed java. He hate me.
Game of Thrones references
At a veterinarian: A Lannister always spays
his pets.
Winter is coming! Calm down, GoT nerds, just winterize your
car.
The Simpsons are famous for their
signs.
·
Semi-Painless dentistry
·
Suicide Notes are Us – formerly Good
Vibrations
·
Bloodbath and beyond gun shop
·
Pet store – as felt in Braille Weekly
·
It Blows – the air conditioning store
·
The Vast Waistband
·
U2 Moving Crew. We move in mysterious ways
·
Dr. Nick Riviera – If I kill you, the
operation is free!
·
Plastic surgery Center. Correcting God’s mistakes.
·
Try our new beef flavored chicken.
·
Stern Lecture Plumbing – I told you
not to flush that.
·
Lucky stiff funeral home. We put the fun in funeral.
·
VHS Village. Formerly the Beta Barn.
·
Family Fun Center. As seen on ‘When Disaster Strikes 4’
A sign in a Shoe Repair store in
Vancouver:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
A sign on a Blinds and Curtains truck:
“Blind man driving.”
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place.”
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and will take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”
An old one from Woody
A couple in their 60’s was celebrating their
40th anniversary. Suddenly a
tiny fairy appeared before them. “For
being such an exemplary married couple all this time I am going to grant each
of you a wish.”
“Oh,” said the wife, “I want to travel around
the world with my darling husband.”
And *poof* She had two tickets for a round the
world cruise in her hand.
“Well,” said the husband, “that is very nice
but this is an opportunity I am not going to waste. I want to have a wife that is twenty years
younger than I am.”
His wife (and the fairy) were very
disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
And *poof* the man was 20 years older.
You see, the man forgot that fairies are also
female.
Finally, for Mike:
To err is human. To arrr is pirate.
