Backcountry JOW 772

I undertake to have adventures now that I am no longer encumbered by employment.  Although home life is certainly pleasurable it is enhanced by the spice of occasional journeys and expeditions.  I am on one of those little adventures now, having spent two days driving to Duchene Utah and five days hiking in the appropriately named High Uintas Wilderness. Camping is a tradition in my family, but then before houses were invented it was a tradition in everybody’s family.  I usually write up little accounts of these expeditions accompanied by photos.  I intend to do a full write-up for this hike but not until a few days after my return the first Wednesday in August.

At the moment my old buddy David and I have just finished the first half of two backcountry adventures we have planned.  We started by hiking in Ashley National Wilderness located in north east Utah.  If you look at a map of Utah there is a chunk cut out of the square of Utah by the square of Wyoming.  We are hiking just below that.  It has been quite an adventure so far although more arduous than even David planned.  Walking 35 miles from Tuesday through Saturday may not seem like much of a hike - but it was.  And I will write you about it when I return.  Right now I am recuperating in the finest hotel in Duchene (a Motel 6).  Just remember, camping can be addictive, exhausting, and may result in a personal hygiene deficiency. 

These are the best jokes I could come up with up here.  I hope you enjoy them.

At the trail head they have little boxes to leave your names, route, and any comments about the site.  These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

·         “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”

·         “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”

·         “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

·         “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

·         “All the mile markers are missing this year.”

·         “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

·         “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.” [Amen!]

·         “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

·         “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”

·         “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”

·         “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”

·         “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

·         “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”

·         “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.” [Amen, again]

·         “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”

·         “Too many rocks in the mountains.” [You have no idea.]

Here are some backpacking truisms

While in a mummy bag the urgency of one’s need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.

Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1″ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.

Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.

The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

And finally, in current events….

Donald Trump’s dentist told him he needed a crown. 

He replied, “I know man, right?”

Culturally Diverse JOW #770

Pat is taking a vacation in France and had some cogent comments about the French that he has already shared with some of us.  I am taking opportunity to pass it along for those that missed it.  I used our various cultural differences as sort of a theme for this week’s JOW.

“Being from Texas I noticed the French have some unusual traits.  Then I realized that weird clothes, obsessing over food and drink, and lingering four hours over a bite to eat are not traits of the French - they are traits of the homeless.  Think about it, don’t we often refer to a homeless person as an old wino?

Taking the essential characteristics of the homeless to a superior and more respected level, (we can add the characteristics of doing virtually nothing except to sit around and discuss politics), and life is called retirement.  The French, of course, all retire somewhere between the age of 18 and 20, and thus have developed retirement into an art form.  No Frenchman of adult age actually works in France.  If he is ambitious and actually wants to work, he moves to another country so as not to embarrass his relatives.   All work in France is done by the Spaniards, Italians and, to a certain extent Muslims, who work and pay taxes and are here so as not to embarrass their relatives in the home country.

The result of all this is that the French have made retirement a national vocation.  Think about it.  French military and retirement are synonyms.  The French don’t go to bed, they retire to their chambers.  At politics, the profession of those of all nationalities who wish to get paid for doing absolutely nothing, the French excel.  The Captain is thus correct that I am morphing into characteristics of the French, a process that has already been completed by previous retirees such as Comee and Pinney.”

A Frenchman approached Pat and said. “’You’re a high-priced lawyer.  If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions?’
“Absolutely!” answered Pat, “What’s the second question?’”

Tom & Martha shared this insight into the Greek credit crisis.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,   pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first jokes are often attributed to the Greeks, specifically Palamedes, who is also credited with the invention of many other things. Here is an example of ancient Greek joke:

“A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor take a journey together. They have to camp overnight, and so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it’s the barber’s turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says “How stupid is that barber? He’s woken up the bald man instead of me.”

Not everything that is old as funny as I am.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I was walking down the mall with a Chinese friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, “Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country.”
“But Chan, you’re Chinese,” I replied, “All those flags are for different countries.”
“No they’re not,” he laughed, “just take a look at the labels!”

___________________

And finally one from Texas.

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

Pet Peeve JOW #769

My JOW’s these weeks focus on Pet Peeves.  We all got ‘em and I would love to hear from my fellow JOW’ers about things that get under your skin.  I remember when I was in elementary school and our teacher asked us to write about our pet peeves.  Not knowing what that was, I wrote this story of my finding a peeve and how I tamed it.  I must have had some idea of what a pet peeve was because in my story it was very mischievous and kept doing things that got me into trouble.

Anyway, here are some things that are considered pet peeves; things that have no reason to annoy me as much as they do.  There is also a real joke in here as well as some great Country Western Song Titles.  

Personal Pet Peeves:

·         Weird celebrity kids names

Personally, I dislike creativity in naming or name spelling. There is a limit to what you should slap on a kid to bear for life. Like Fifi, Trixibelle, or Kyd. Those are just too much, although I guess "hey, Kyd" might be sort of convenient.

·         Clichés

What bugs me most about clichés is that they are a cop out. People spout sayings like "God doesn't give you what you can't handle", or, "this too shall pass" without giving a thought to exactly what you're going through.  People who use clichés maybe don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I would much prefer people to say something like: "Well, crap. That stinks. I'm so sorry your life sucks."

·         Unnecessarily Shortened Words

While there's nothing wrong with progress, there's absolutely everything wrong with the perversion of the English Language. Yeah, Shakespeare made up words all the time, so let's see you write some of the most important literary works of all time and THEN you can start saying "totes", (which is a kind of bag).

·         Wobbly Tables

A table's primary function is to provide a stable surface for objects, so when they fail in that one expectancy, it kind of sucks, especially when the solution is something as simple as matchbook can solve the problem.

·         When somebody says ‘literally’ and do not literally mean it

Here's a quick lesson for you: literally means literally. If the number of people in the world who'd said they were "literally scared out of my mind" or "literally dead" were being accurate then we'd have a whole lot more to worry about than an inaccurate vocabulary.

·         People who talk on a cell phone while at a store counter

Nothing says "you're not worth my time" like taking a service from a person while also completely ignoring you. Now that I think about it holding a private conversation on a cell phone in line is pretty peeving, too.

·         Forms without enough space for answers

Form makers: It's probably a good idea to be very liberal in your allocation of writing space, because you never know when someone who grew up at 28846 Iroquois Avenue in Jacksonville, North Carolina really needs some room to fill in that address.

·         Hipsters

The word "hipster" has been broadened so much it's hard to tell what it really means anymore. It could be people who wear straw trilbies, or people who drink PBR, or people who like Garden State. All we can know for sure is that hipsters invariably annoy other people.

·         People who wait in line to order food, then don’t know what they want when they're up to order

Waiting in line affords one time to spend however you want. You can delete your sent texts, you can daydream about running a hotel for dogs like in that movie Hotel For Dogs, hell you can hum. The one obligation is that you use at least some of your time to figure out what the hell you're going to order before you get to the front.

·         Crying children in airplanes AND extra fees the airlines keep charging.

It goes without explanation that a crying kid is upsetting, especially when you cannot get away from it.  I feel sorry for the mom, usually, but cannot help but wonder, was this trip with your baby REALLY necessary?  And airlines already charge you for everything else, what next, a fee for not sitting next to a crying baby?

Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves about humans

1. Blaming your gas on me ... Not Funny.

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog, you idiot.

3. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick balancing food on my nose. Stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are

not home.

8. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

9. Dog sweaters.

10. Fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Here is a joke that just popped into my mind.

One cold afternoon in the Arctic, a father and son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar

bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I really a polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m freezing!!

Libby claims these are the best country songs you never heard, but I have heard a few of them.

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few… or as Kenny

Chesney put it “I went to bed with a 10 but I woke up with a 2.”

I am not sure how “Thank God and Greyhound she’s gone” did not make the list not me mention my

own favorite C&W titled song “She tore our my heart and smashed that sucker flat.”