Working Man JOW #1028

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.  However, I will be working all this week, helping businesses get ready to start back to work; I thus decided to do some employment jokes.  I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.  But I do have some Covid-19 jokes – there are so many. 

·         With all the hair solons closed many women are discovering a new meaning for the phrase ‘Fifty Shades of Gray.” 

·         It is funny that last year we were supposed to stay away from negative people.  Now we avoid positive people.

Here are some jokes about getting hired, working, and losing employment.  Meanwhile, I am going to have a quarantini.  That is a martini that you drink at home alone.

===========

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up. One co-worker asks why she left that job.
"It was something my boss said," the woman replied.
"Why? What did he say?" the co-worker asked.
"You’re fired."

______

I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.

--------------

Employer: We need someone responsible for the job.
Job Applicant: Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless you're applying to be a statistician.

>>>>> 

HR: What’s your best asset?

Me: I have a great memory.

HR: Give me an example.

Me: Of what? 

……..

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

………

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I really don’t care about what you think!”

======

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

+++++

A man got laid off from the unemployment office on Friday. His boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

~~~~~

Yesterday at work, I saw someone being horrifically inefficient and told him, “Dude that is definitely slowing you down.”

He replied, “Well yea it is, but I’m in the kitchen remodeling business so I’m supposed to be counter productive.”

“””””

I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I'd start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I'd be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I'd start in 6 months.

```````

An employee goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"Sorry, but we're short-handed," the boss replies. "I can’t give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"

Some non-working jokes

Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay for it... You have my Word.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A tax auditor was dispatched to perform an audit at a nudist colony, but he didn’t uncover anything. 

<<<<<<<<< 

Woody and Pat, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 One day Pat didn't show up. Woody didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Pat hadn't shown up for a week or so, Woody really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Woody didn't know where Pat lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 A month had passed, and Woody figured he had seen the last of Pat, but one day, Woody approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Pat! Woody was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Pat, what in the world happened to you?'

 Pat replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 'Jail!' cried Woody.  Again!  What for this time?'

 'Well,' Pat said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 'Yeah,' said Woody, 'I remember her. What about her?

 'Well, one day she a filed paternity suit against me; and, at 79 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Gallagher opened his morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read his name listed in the obituary column that he had died. 

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did ye read the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" 

A New Normal JOW #1027

So the nation is all hunkered down, not going to work, hanging out at home….  Welcome to my world.  Think of it as having six Saturdays and Sunday -that way you do not lose track of what day of the week it is. Ruth has been preparing meals from all the food she has stored away.  She is a very good cook and the gym is closed – a recipe for disaster.  It is like when you gain ten pounds for a role and then remember that you are not an actor.  I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.  It turns out the dryer wasn’t the appliance that made my clothes shrink; it was my refrigerator.   And if by doing “crunches” you mean the sound pork rinds make when you chew them, then, yes, I do crunches.”

Saying I can’t go out because of the virus sound weak and whiny.  I personally claim that “I have sworn an oath of solitude until this pestilence is purged from the land.” 

<<<<< 

My doctor said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “Like burgers and bacon?” 

“No,” he replied, “No fatty, don’t eat anything,”

>>>>>>> 

I have had to go on two diets.  I wasn’t getting enough to eat on just one. 

You are not getting fat – chin up!  No, the other one….

My morning checklist these days

Clothed?  Adequately

Keys?  Yep, just found them

Coffee Cup?  Fully charged.

Sanity?    Sanity?  Oops.

Yeah, sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it answers.

++++++++

Women haven’t been to beauty shops is so long their hair is returning to the factory setting.  I guess that gives a whole new meaning to ‘discovering your roots.’  And the rate of closeup selfies have dropped faster than the stock market.

^^^^^^^

I got so bored yesterday in my house that I sat and concentrated on melting an ice cube with my mind.  I did it, but it took a lot longer than I thought it would.

==========

People are reporting prowlers in their neighborhoods when it is just their neighbors without hair color, extensions, or makeup.

``````

Hair stylists better be resting up now because when they reopen they better be there 24/7 to satisfy all the pent up demand.

And for the record

CorVid19 is not Trump’s fault

Ebola was not Obama’s fault

SARS was not Bush’s fault

And only a handful of herpes cases were Clinton’s fault.

*****

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?

A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with and your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China.

* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.

* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.

* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. 

* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan. 

* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 

Instead keep the money in America by:

* Spending it at a yard sale, or

* Go to a ballgame, or

* Spend it on beer, guns, or tattoos 

(Apparently these are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Some Old Jokes from Bill

'OLD' IS WHEN...  
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
See a good looking girl and your pacemaker opens the garage door.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.  
 'OLD' IS WHEN...  
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.  
 and   
 'OLD' IS WHEN....  
You are not sure these are jokes

And finally - Scotch with two drops of water...   
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As   the bartender gives her the drink she says,  
 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birth- day and it's today..'  
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birth-   day, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on  
me.'  
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'  
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'  
'Coming up,' says the bartender.  
 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'  
 The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of  
water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.  
 As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with  
only two drops of water?'  
 The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you are my age, you've learned how to hold  
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'  

Quarantined JOW #1026

And our ‘stay at home status continues.  Self-isolation, social distancing, quarantine, why can’t we call it something like “Exiled for the good of the Realm.”   

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.  I mean, just a few short weeks ago it was yesterday.

Horoscopes these days are all the same:  You will be spending a lot of time at home.

Home invasions should decline during the quarantine.  Everybody is home – with a gun.  And enough bleach and paper towels to clean up the mess.  Gas is finally affordable; of course, we can’t go anywhere.  As they say, better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.  I walked by the movie theater where the marquee read: No Close Encounters of Any Kind. 

Quarantine Day One: Ate all of my horded quarantine snacks.

Quarantine Day Two: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Quarantine Day Three:  The cleaning lady announces she will be working from home but will send instructions. 

Quarantine Day Four: Finally figured out how to fold a fitted sheet.

Home schooling Day Five: “My Kid is a Terrific Student” bumper sticker is gone.

Quarantine Day Six:  Preparing to take out the garbage.  So excited.  Can’t figure out what to wear.

Home schooling Day Seven: One of the little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Quarantine Day Eight:  Finally learned how to spell “Quarantine” without help.

Quarantine Day Nine: Beginning to wonder if the Donner Party were even hungry.

Quarantine Day Ten: Neighborhood Quarantine Parties.  No one is invited.

Home Schooling Day Eleven: Two students have been suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

Home Schooling Day Twelve: They are all given graduate equivalences.

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator. 

I recommend that every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

This Covid19 thing has put “Where’s Waldo” out of business.

Television talking heads are all looking like Hollywood Squares.

And my full Darth Vader suit and helmet are coming in pretty handy about now.

Bill knows a guy who has started a new pandemic business.  For $3500 they come to your house dressed as a coronavirus rescue team to rescue you from your wife.  They will take you anyplace you want to go for 14 days ‘quarantine’ and bring you back home afterwards.

Bill also shared the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist.  One looks up your family tree.  The other looks up the family bush.

These are from Harry.

·         When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

·         To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

·         When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 

·         Job Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda' want this job." 

·         I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

·         I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

·         Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

·         If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

·         When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

·         Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

·         I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but I did it.

·         I run like the winded.

·         I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

·         When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

·         When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

·         I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

·         Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

·         That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

·         Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·         My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

·         If you are paying $3 for a bottle of Smart Water…. It isn’t working.

·         When you were younger when you dropped something you just picked it up.  Now that I am older I have to decide if I actually need it anymore.

·         One way to find out if people think you are old is to fall down in from a lot of people.  If they laugh, you are still young.  If they run over to help you up, you are old.

·         I don’t think of it so much as getting old as outliving the warranty.

·         Let me tell you, growing up in the sixties was a lot more fun than being in my sixties.

And finally three great dad jokes (if there is such a thing) from Richard.

Ralph: I’m visiting Greenwich, England next week.
Ronald:  Terrific!  What will you do in the mean time?

Waldo:  Do you still play triangle in the orchestra?
Wilhelmina:  No, I quit.  It was just one ting after another.

Q:  When does a joke become a dad joke?
A:  When it is full groan.

Man v Woman JOW #1025

This Covid19 thing has turned me into a dog.  All I do is hang around the house all day, taking naps, looking for food, and I get real excited about taking a walk.  I never thought a time would come when my hands consumed more alcohol than my mouth.  While we are going through this self-isolation I ask all of you to pray for my wife.  She is stuck in the house with me.

I have used topical jokes about the Corona virus for the last few weeks and thought to have a change of pace with some man versus woman jokes this week, but there are just too many bits from current events to pass up altogether.  Enjoy -

My friend Phil has confirmed the following is true: 

Belgium Health Minister Maggie de Block has put a ban on all non-essential sexual activities of persons three or greater in indoor areas.  I guess if you are into Flemish orgies you need to take it outside.

+++++++++

King Filipe VI has been quarantined to his jet.  Thus the reign of Spain is staying mainly on the plane.

<<<<< 

These days the only people doing hair and nails are the morticians.

My Social Distancing Playlist:

·         Alone again, naturally

·         Alone

·         All by myself

·         Don’t Stand so Close to me

·         Keep your hands to yourself

·         You can’t touch this

·         Dancing with myself

Man versus Women jokes.  

-Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will fix it.  There is no need to remind him about it every six months.

-I once won an argument with a woman….  In this dream I had.

-NASA has photographs from no fewer than five Martian landers.  None of these pictures show any sports, porn, or beer on Mars.  This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars.

-Men have feelings, too.  For example we often feel hungry.

-What’s the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

-I am not sure I would want to be able to read a woman’s mind.  I hate shopping, don’t care about shoes, don’t like gossip, and I already know I annoy her.

-Even if a man could understand women, he still wouldn’t believe it.

-Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

-He took his misfortune like a man; he blamed it on a woman.

-Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.

And some quotes with attributions

Do you know ‘that look’ women get when they want to have sex?  Me, neither.  – Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge.  If you do not have a good partner you’d better have a good hand.” - Wood Allen.

“Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one of them at a time.” – Robin Williams

******************************

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"No!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Things you'll never hear a woman say:

·         What do you mean today's our anniversary?

·         Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

·         Oh, this diamond is way too big!

·         Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

·         Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

·         Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

·         I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.

·         Hey, pull my finger!

Things you'll never hear a man say:

·         Here honey, you use the remote.

·         While I'm up, can I get you anything?

·         Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

·         Aw, forget Monday night football, let's watch American Idol.

·         Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

·         We never talk anymore.

God promised Man that good and obedient wives would be found in every corner of the world.  He then made the world round.  And laughed.

Here is one from Dick

Two women talking over the fence.

“Hello Judy, I haven’t seen your husband for a while.”

“Oh, he’s in the back yard.”

“Really, where?  I don’t see him.” 

“Well, you have to dig down a little.”

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

 She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

 'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

 As she fumbled for her wallet, he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' she asked.

 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'

Finally, a Mexican chemistry ‘joke’.

6.00221 X 10<sup>23</sup>   Guacas = One  Guaca mole   

Hint, a mole is SI unit which measures the number of particles in a substance.