Shy, retiring JOW #1114

 

It is sort of a shock to think of myself as old but I have been retired for twelve years. I am so old I have actually dialed on a rotary phone while listening to an 8 track tape.  I now consider adult situation warnings to mean high blood pressure, osteoporosis, and incontinence.  So here are a few bits of humor about retirees.  When I was young and living in St. Petersburg everyone wanted to retire somewhere warm.  Now I want to retire somewhere where you don’t have to run the A/C in late December, walk the dog in shorts and tee shirts and still get sweaty in the cloying heat and humidity.  I like The Woodlands, but this hot weather is just weird. 

 

What makes a man age?

A manager

 

What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job, and refuses to retire?

Flat broke!

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.

 

What do you call the terminator who has retired?

The Exterminator

 

My work offered to fund my retirement account exclusively in clear soups.

I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

 

Back in my day, we didn’t mess with our phones while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

 

A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked what happens next, he said: “College girls.”

 

Girl: My grandfather was remarkable.  He lived for 96 years and never used glasses.

Boy: Yeah I know. Few people drink directly from the bottle.

 

I hear there are gangs at retirement villages.

The blood clots and the cripples.

 

What is so special about the age 65?

It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job through forced retirement.

 

And speaking of retirement, you have your choices:

You can retire in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into an argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different, or It was different!

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $1500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

 

A retired man who volunteered to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals.  He told jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished his performance to one old man he said in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

The elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

And finally

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
His friends advised him: Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
Bob promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.
Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
Bob: "She seems very satisfied; in fact, she is now pregnant"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “And how is the tenant?” they asked.
Bob hung his head and replied very soberly “She’s pregnant, too.”
*Never underestimate a Senior Citizen*

 

 

Holidaze JOW #1113

The full power of the holidays are upon us.  We have much to be grateful for – we are mostly healthy at the moment, as are our loved ones.  Gas is edging back down from almost $3 a gallon.  Our world is mostly at peace.  We have enough money and plans for the future.  Who could wish for more than that?  Okay, lots of people, but they are mostly wrong.  I hope your Christmas is full of fun and family (and good luck combining those two).   Merry Christmas.

 

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.  

 

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

 

Of course some people get depressed at Christmas.  Some people are even afraid of Christmas – this is called Claustraphobia.

Some Christmas riddles.

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A: A rebel without a Claus.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?

A: You take the yule log

Q: What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar?

A: He got twelve months

 

When gingerbread men go to sleep do they use cookie sheets?

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was game console. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Game console. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her a game console..

 

Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store. 

Clerk: What do you do for a living? 

Man: I’m a tree trimmer. 

Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?

 

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

And I should include some seasonal Hanukkah jokes… even though it is over now.

Some people think it is tough to spell Hanukkah.  No problem.  There are so many different types of spelling of that holiday you can just fake it.  Sort of like the word, ‘Catsup’.   Or is it Ketchup?

++++++

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

========

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What – you didn't like the other one?"

One Hanukkah, a Jewish husband said to his wife, “I think there’s something wrong with these latkes, dear. They taste awful.”

His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they’re delicious.”

It was Hanukkah and the tiny Hungarian village was afraid they may not have any latkes because they’d run out of flour.

Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.

He said, “Don’t worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious.”

A woman looks doubtfully at her husband and asks him, “Samuel, do you think it’ll work?”

“Of course,” Samuel replies, “Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear.”

 

Some non-Holiday jokes

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

 

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

And finally

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

 

 

 

---

 [tp1]

Good Old JOW #1112

 I love Dad jokes – obviously.  When I lived in New Mexico there are bridges over dried riverbeds.  I kept telling my kids we were going from one ex-stream to another.  I have lots of old dad jokes.  Here are a few of them.

>>>>>> 

After being unhappy for many years a woman came to her son and said she was going to get a sex change operation. The son didn't fully understand but he was very supportive throughout the whole operation; then he came home.
That's when it all started, all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, the son realized something and confronted him.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just so you could do dad jokes?!"

He replied, "Oh you can see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

 

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

 

What do you call a 3.14 long sea raider?

A πrate.

 

How Long is a Chinese name.

It's not a question.

 

How does a computer nerd refresh after a long day?  He pushes F5

 

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

------------------

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need ten bucks, just lend me ten bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need five bucks. Lend me five bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."

======

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

^^^^^^

Gas stations now have a fee to fill the tires. Why do they charge for AIR?
"Inflation"

++++++

Inflation is like alcoholism.  The bad effects come later. – Milton Friedman

~~~~~

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

 

And finally, I end with an off-topic joke.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 10 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. I love prunes, you're eating a prune; this has got to be fate. Do you want to go get some coffee?"
The man shakes his head, puts down his fruit and responds,
*"It's a date!"*

 

Infantile JOW #1111

 

This is JOW #1111.  That is a lot of ones.  Then I get to thinking about onesies which led to infants.  I know most of my jokes are childish – my jokes tend to be ‘Dad jokes’ which are really at a 3^th grader level.  I, however, am always ready to go lower.  Thus my jokes this week are about the little ones, you know, kid-lets.   I hope you enjoy them.

^^^^^

Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can’t dress themselves.

 

What do you call a boat that just got a baby dinghy?
A mother ship.

What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”

 

Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.

 

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears.  He had real bears.

There is a well-known sleeping disorder.  It’s called children

 

Children who go to bed early get up early.

Children who go to bed late get up early.

 

When you start a kid on solid food it is like having a blender with no top.

 

Shower schizophrenia.  The belief you can her a child crying while you’re trying to take a shower

 

Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

 

Silence is golden.  Unless you have young children.  Then it is a warning.

 

Then there was the new father.  His wife sent him out to get a baby monitor.  He came back with a young lizard.

 

Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.

 

The maternity nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

-----

When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her four year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes," he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits."

 

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”

=====

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to a neighbor. After she listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the neighbor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When she opened the diaper, he found was i full. "Here's the problem," she explained.

"He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

++++

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son.
I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey.
I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie.
We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.
Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f‘ing freezing!"

 

Enough with the baby humor

Kid: I feel like you make up rules and stuff.

Parent: Like what?

Kid: Like if I don’t clean up my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension and no one will ever know I existed?

Parent: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.

Kid: What older brother?

Parent: Exactly

 

Without freedom of speech we would not know who the idiots are.

 

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone to call and check on my every day.  He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

 

Two old men are talking. 

One says, if you had to give up either wine or women which would you chose?”

“Depends on the year.”

 

The old doctor looked at his patient and said, “I am very concerned.  Mercury is in Uranus.”

“Gosh doc, I didn’t think you went in for that astrology stuff.”

“I don’t.  My rectal thermometer just broke.”

 

And finally from Tor

Yesterday I tried donating blood. I'll never do that again.

Too many stupid, intrusive questions, like…

Whose blood is it?

Where did it come from?

Why is it in a bucket?

 

   

Automotive JOW #1110

I get ideas for jokes in all sorts of places, even while on the freeway.  Interstate electronic bulletin boards sometimes put up Silver Alerts for missing elderly people.  Usually it is something sort of sad and pathetic like:

                                                 Missing Elderly man

1998 Brown Toyota: license plate: FYI 01D

This means some old geezer has slipped away from the nursing home and has found to keys to his old car

 

I want to see a Silver Alert that says

                                            Missing elderly man last  seen with attractive blonde

2021 Red Ferrari: license plate: 170 MPH

Go gramps, go!

 

That got me thinking about cars so here are a few automotive-related jokes.  Enjoy.

````````

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

>>>>> 

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks the driver three questions.

COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: mine

<<<<< 

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", the buyer replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

^^^^^

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait...He drove a Honda sedan.
But he didn't like talking about it.  As it says in John 12:49: For I did not speak of my own Accord.

^^^^^^^^^

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin”, the father replies.
“Who?” the son asks.
“Yeah”, the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

=======

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
+++++
New Teslas don't come with the usual new car smell; it’s more of an Elon Musk.

------

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

This one is for Mike

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

 ~~~~~~~

A cop is out on patrol late one evening, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the driver’s window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

 

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

 

As I was paying $500 for a 17 year old escort I thought...

...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.

 

I've already got a car, but I want to have a classic Doc Brown DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

 

One day a guy was driving with his young daughter in the van and honked his car horn by mistake.

She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.

Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "Oh, yes, I guessed that, daddy."

He replied, "How did you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

 

You see, you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive in traffic.

 

A truck with two truckers was had just passed through small town and was driving on the back roads on the way to a slightly bigger town when they came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'2".

So, they got out and measured their rig. It was 12'3".

"What do you think?" the passenger trucker asked the driver.

The driver looked around carefully, got in the truck and thin shifted into first as he said, "Well, there's not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!”

>>>> 

One day a guy was looking for a Christmas gift for his daughter.   He walked into a toy store and asked for .A Barbie Doll for my daughter.’

The shop assistant looks at him in a slightly condescending manner and asks, "All right Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

“What kinds do you have?”

"We have Barbie Goes to the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $49.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $49.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's furniture, and Ken's car.”

And finally

 

Once upon a time there were too neighbors, one rich, one poor.  One day the poor man found a magic lamp with a resident genie that would serve the poor man every morning.  Soon the rich man heard about this and invited himself over to the poor man’s house to see if this was true.

Sure enough, the poor man rubbed the lamp, and the genie appeared.  “What do you desire this morning?”
“Tea for me and coffee for my visitor,” said the poor man.

“As you wish,” and ‘poof’ there were two cups of the ordered beverages.
The rich neighbor, envious of the magic lamp, said to the poor man, “I will give you a million dollars for that lamp.”

The poor accepted the deal.
The next morning rich man rubbed the lamp and a genie came smoking out of the lamp and said: “What do you desire this morning."

The rich man asked for two million dollars.

The genie replied, “Sorry sir, I only serve coffee or tea.”

 

Star Nerds JOW #1109

 

It is the start of the Holiday Season beginning with Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for a lot of things.  Things like science fiction and the Star Trek and Star Wars franchises.   Star Wars is a lot of fun, but if I had been a Jedi knight there is a 100% chance I would use the force inappropriately.  I have some themed jokes on the subject, then a few nerdy jokes and eventually I devolve into more or less random jokes.  I hope you enjoy them and are thankful for our many blessing.

Trying to come up with jokes about Star Wars is difficult.  Most of them seem a bit too forced. 

+++++++++++++

Remember when Harrison Ford broke his ankle during filming?
It resulted in a whole new "Star Wars" cast.

 

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
In charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

 

Han solo: "Yoda, are we going the right direction?"
Yoda: "Off course we are."

 

Why didn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s marriages last?
He always followed Obi-Wan’s advice: “Use divorce, Luke.”

 

Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.

 

What did the dentist say to Luke Skywalker?
May the floss be with you.

 

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

 

Stormtroopers in quarantine are like, “I miss people.”
I’m not too sympathetic. They always miss people.

 

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents!

 

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

 

What is R2D2 short for?
Because he has little legs.

 

What do you call an invisible droid?
C-through-PO.

 

Did you know R2D2 had the foulest dialog in movie history?
They have to bleep out all his words.

 

Does R2D2 have any brothers?
Nope, only transistors.

 

What do you need to reroute droids?
R2-Detour.

 

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 Detour.

 

They are going to make a Star Wars pirate story starring Arrrr2 D2.

 

Of all the many creatures created for Star Wars, Ewoks are the strangest.  They look like homeless care bears that sold their magic powers for drugs.

 

Did you know Fozzie Bear was in Star Wars?
He was a Ewokka-wokka!

 

A newbie once accidentally attended a Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca from Star Wars. That’s a Wookie mistake!

 

Then there is Star Trek.  I always liked the Next Generation best.  Here are a few things you would never hear the main characters say

Picard: Good work, Counselor. If you hadn't told us those aliens had hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by their plan"

Crusher: Jean-Luc, since the ship is in no danger at all, and we're not about to die, there's something I want to tell you...

Geordi: The... doohicky... has gone all... funny, making that gizmo light up...the one that means the warp engines are... ya know... all messed up.

Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate... damn. What's the date? Number One, what's today? No, I know it's Tuesday, what's the date? The STARdate!!

A Starfleet Admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there are plenty of other ships in your quadrant.

Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn! Now get out!

 

Approximately how many ears does Mr. Spock have? There are three. The left ear, the right ear, and finally the final front ear.

 

If Spock has pointy ears what did Scotty have? Engineers!

 

What was the working title for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock?

Finding Nimoy

 

A starship captain bought a sub-light speed propulsion system that he didn't need?

It was an impulse purchase.

Some other-nerdly jokes

A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:

“What do we want?”

“Time travel”

“When do we want it?”

“Irrelevant.”

 

The Romans never found Algebra difficult.  Their X was always a 10.

 

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

 

Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine.  Don’t forget they make Viagra.  If they can raise the dead they can save the living.

 

Everybody remembers Karl Marx, the inventor of communism but nobody remembers his sister Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

 

A Freudian slip...is when you say one thing but really mean your mother.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by a police officer. The cop is very serious, and starts to search the trunk for anything suspicious.

Police man: “Do you know there’s a dead cat in here?”

Schrodinger: “Well, I do now!”

 

What Do You Get When You Cross a Cow With an Octopus?

A meeting with the ethics committee and the swift removal of your research funding.

 

What Do You Get When You Put Root Beer In A Square Glass?

Beer.

 

And finally one from out of nowhere

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

Medico JOW #1108

 I consider myself a lifelong learner.  I certainly enjoy learning new things.  I learned two weeks ago, for example, that I needed another stent, which was duly installed.  During my recovery I got to learn all sorts of acronyms like CHD and CHF.  Interesting stuff if somewhat alarming.  I also learned that a cardiologist is not a doctor who brings you cards.  All that got me thinking on the subject of the medical profession.  There is an abundance of humor on that sometimes grim theme.  Here are a few jokes on that theme:

·         Why is the President demanding everyone get vaccinated?  He likes to call the shots.

·         You should look up to surgeons who successfully help people lose weight through liposuction? What they do takes guts.

·         Why does everyone love cardiac surgeons? They touch so many people's hearts.

·         How did a junior surgeon get entry into a prestigious surgical conference? He made the cut.

·         Where do plastic surgeon get all of the new noses from? They buy them from the olfactory.

·         How did your friend's hepatectomy go? We weren't sure that it was going to be successful at first, but thankfully the surgeons de-livered.

·         What did the nurse tell the surgeon when he asked her how the girl who swallowed some coins was doing? ‘We haven't seen any change yet.’

 

Some ‘self-help’ medical jokes

 

Have you heard about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Brace yourself

 

My doctor was really supportive when the patient told him that he was going to administer anesthesia to himself before the surgery. He told me to knock myself out.

 

And then the patient demanded that he sew up his own wound? ‘Fine, suture self,’ said the doctor.

 

A doctor come in to see his new patient.  “You tell me you have neurofibromatosis.  Can you please tell me what that is?”

^^^^^^

A doctor was checking his schedule two hours before his shift was over to see how many operations he had left. "Three done, tumor to go", muttered the doctor when he saw the schedule.

 

I've decided to drop the idea of being a cardiac surgeon. I don't have the heart to complete medical school.

^^^^^^

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until he continued … “Heck, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, a woman asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which have simple sugars and salt.”

She liked that. “Oh, like a margarita?”

 .....

A woman was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Woman: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Woman: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Woman: Do you think this is the right career for you?

========

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.

“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.

“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.

“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”

A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”

+++++

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. 

Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. 

Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

~~~~~

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 9 to 2.

-----

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears and offers healing for them.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”

The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams,

“Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

Some pet medico jokes

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter – he's got to just know.  - Will Rogers

It was time for my dog's annual checkup. Following the vet's instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

 

And finally on of my favorite jokes

An elderly man goes in to his clinic for a checkup. After examining him and reviewing his labs, his clinician tells him, ‘Everything is fine, especially for your age.’

‘For my age?’ asks the patient. I am only 71. Do you think I can make it to 90?’

‘Well’, said the clinician, ‘do you drink or smoke?’

‘No’, said the man.

‘Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?’

‘No’, the patient replied. ‘I am very cautious about my diet.’

‘Do you engage in any high-risk behaviors like skiing or sky-diving?’

‘Of course not! I always play it safe.’

The clinician thought a moment. ‘Well, then why in the world would you want to live to be 90?’

 

 

 

 

JOW #1107 Marriage Wars JOW

 We have all heard about, and experienced the battle of the sexes.  Those fortunate enough to be married know that it is a more or less constant conflict; but in a good way – mostly.  Just remember that forty eight percent of all marriages end in IKEA.  

I have included some marital warfare jokes below for your amusement.

~~~~~~~

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

 

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? 

 

Husband walks into the room.

Wife- “Well, well, well.  If it isn’t the man who let a snake bite me in my dream last night.”

 

If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. – Donna B.

 

Be right back.  My wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

 

My wife used to use the silent treatment until she learned that I loved it.

 

My wife and I have entered into that part of the relationship where when she says “I need you” it means moving furniture or killing a bug.

 

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

 

I am not divorcing you.  I am just re-defining your role.

 

What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

 

My wife came home with an escalator yesterday…she said it was marked down…

 

My wife is always cold, but lately she’s getting hot flashes.  So no matter what the temperature is I’m an asshole.

 

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

 

My husband treats me like a god. He ignores my existence and only talks to me when he needs something.

 

My wife cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

 

Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"

 

I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.  Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

 

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

 

Wife – “I’m going to Target.”

Husband – “What do you need at Target?”

Wife – “Target will tell me what I need.”

 

A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.

The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?”

The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”

 

A husband was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to my wife of 20 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.” 

 

Marriage counselor – “Okay let’s reflect on last week’s session.

Dracula – “I can’t reflect on anything.”

Dracula’s wife – “Are you even going to try to take this seriously?”

 

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it.

Husband: (At the same time) My truck.

 

A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

 

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

 

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

>>>>> 

 

“Will marry me?”
“No.”
Two hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.

  (   )    (    )    (    )

           

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie that was the fridge.”

 

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.

 

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

 

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you crazy? I barely know the woman!”

 

My friend Mike had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed ‘Your loving husband, Mike.’ For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Mike came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?” 

 

And finally

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

Grab bag JOW #1106

I have returned from my Colorado hunting adventure.  Apparently I brought winter back with me as it was cold and rainy all the way back to Texas.  Going over Monarch Pass (11,300 feet) in November was ‘interesting’; it has been a while since I have driven over ice and snow.  I really don’t have a theme for my humor this week, just a bunch a random jokes that I found funny.  I hope you do, too.

_____________

 

I recently took a language class. We learned about oxymorons.  It was a lot of fun; there were a lot of examples:

freezer burn;

original copy;

exact estimate;

truthful politician;

caring insurance,

Microsoft Works

~~~

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

‘’’’’

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

++++

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

======

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

>>>>> 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there, he said he couldn’t complain.

<<<<<< 

Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

^^^^^

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part. “

-------

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?"

The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me."

The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

 

‘Ageisms’ from Dick

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... "what?" . ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody mumbles.

~You have three sizes of clothes in your closet.... two of which you will never wear.

…..

You know you’re getting old when your insurance company sends you half a calendar.

 

I don’t have life insurance because I’m going out of this world the way I came into it… as a burden to my family.

 

Signs of the times

 

Sign on a shoe repair shop window:   

  We will heel you

  We will save your sole

  We will even dye for you.

 

A sign on a blinds & curtain truck:

   “Blind man driving.”

 

Sign over a gynecologist’s office:

   "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 

In a podiatrist's office:

   "Time wounds all heels.”

 

On a septic tank truck:

   “Yesterday’s meals on wheels”

 

At an optometrist's office:

   "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

On a plumber's truck:

   "We repair what your husband fixed.”

 

On another plumber's truck:

    "Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 

At a car dealership:

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

 

Outside a muffler shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

 

 At the electric company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  

      However, if you don't, you will be de-lighted.”

 

In a restaurant window:

    "Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

 

In a radiator shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak.”

 

An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

------

Three farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out."               

+++++

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it!! Healthy people are not needed for an economy.
They do not buy drugs. They do not go to hospitals and doctors. They take too long to die, depriving funeral homes of high casket charges. They add nothing to a country's GDP.
On the contrary, every new McDonald's outlet creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 weight-loss experts apart from the people working in the McDonald's outlet.
Walking is even worse.
These people don't even buy a bicycle!!"