Climatic JOW #646

It is hot here.  Well, okay, maybe not hot; Texas often gets temperatures into the 70’s even in late January, but lows in the 70’s?  Yikes!   

I thought I could try to do a climate change JOW, but there is an absolute dearth of jokes about the subject.  I got to wondering why.   Maybe climate change is too serious for humor but I then I know jokes about death, suicide, and a lot of other serious stuff. Or is climate change is simply too boring? But I have done JOWs about accountancy, economics, and physics. I suspect there are so few jokes about climate change because it all so preachy and earnest.   The shortest book in the world is probably “The Environmentalists' Book of Jokes.”

But I decided to try.  Here are a few jokes on a rather dry subject along with some more normal jokes.

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With temperature levels shooting up to unprecedented levels, it is high time we get together for a concerted action against the huge amounts of climate-change-inducing emissions from fires in hell. Yes, it can be done; experts claim that if the Houston Texans ever win the Super Bowl, hell will actually freeze over.

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Q: How many climate skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.

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Two planets meet. The first one asks: "How are you?"
"Not so well", the second answered "I've got the Homo Sapiens."
"Don't worry," the other replied, "I had some of those but they didn’t last."

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If you want help in picking up women, start talking about global warming - It's a real icebreaker.

Okay, how about some bus jokes?

Passenger: Where can I catch the bus that goes downtown?

Conductor: Just go down that way, turn to the left and you’ll be right.

Passenger: That doesn’t sound right.

Conductor: Okay, have it your way, turn to the right and you’ll be left.

Passenger: Bus Conductor! Where will I catch the next bus!?

Conductor: Right in the small of the back, sir, if you don’t move up onto the sidewalk!

Passenger: Bus Conductor! How long will the next bus be?

Conductor: Fifty-seven feet and six inches, sir!

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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”

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So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight right onto the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street, bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball right into the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna screw around?”

Grave Old JOW #645

I have some old jokes this week including a few classic lines from tombstones.  It takes a certain confidence to put a joke on a grave marker, but they are out there. 

Before I get into my main subject I have a trio of valuable definitions.  I know a bunch of lawyers and one lovely expert witness.  They are responsible for providing us with this clear and cogent explanation of the differences between experts, lawyers, and judges.

·         Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.

·         Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything.

·         Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything, but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers.

…………………..

Here is one from Bill the Bali Man,

A dapper man ‘of a certain age’ sashayed into the bar at the retirement community.  He was dressed to the nines right down to a handkerchief in the pocket of his stylish blazer.  All the silver foxes eyed him with interest as he assessed the ladies who were sipping their white wines.  Seeing an unaccompanied younger (still in her 70’s) woman at the bar, he sat down next to her and asked her the classic pick-up line of the elderly.

“So, do I come here, often?”

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. A young nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her to wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown. '

++++++++++++++++++

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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·         I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

·         It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker

·         These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

·         I have figured out how to prevent sagging.   Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

·         Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

All this thought about getting old got me thinking about cemeteries.  We have gotten away from the old tradition of epitaphs.  Too bad; in a civilization increasingly compressed it seems only appropriate to reduce our life to a few lines.  I know what I would like my epitaph to be:

Here lies Thomas Pinney; He achieved great wealth and fame late in life.

Alas, the words on our headstones are inscribed by someone else and not always to the advantage of the deceased.  Here are a few allegedly true epitaphs.

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
        Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102: The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
        Ann Mann: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
        Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread. And the Lord sent them manna.
        Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
        Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
        Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake: Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
        Sir John Strange: Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
        I was somebody. Who, is no business of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
        Here lies Lester Moore.  Four slugs from a .44.  No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
        "I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

        Reader, if cash thou art in want of any.  

        Dig six feet deep, and thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
        She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
        On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune.

Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn't like Mr. Wood:
        In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
        Here lies one Wood enclosed in wood, One Wood Within another.
        The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
        Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
        He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania, is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops!

        Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942
        Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
        Here lies John Norris - Atheist

       All dressed up and no place to go.

But does he make house calls?
        Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas: Office upstairs

And my all-time personal favorite

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
        Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803.
        His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and         yearns to be comforted.

Home Improved JOW #644

My JOW this week could be about football, but a couple of the games this weekend were jokes and not very funny ones at that.  Instead, acting on a suggestion, I have some jokes on construction in general, with specific highlights in the field of home improvement.  But first something completely off topic -

My racing snail is not winning any snail races. So I decided to take its shell off to reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything he is more sluggish now.
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I recently saw a sign in Home Depot with the word ‘restrooms’.  Right below that word was their motto – “You can do it, we can help.”  That seems to be taking customer service a bit too far.

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Q: What kind of court do you sue electricians in?
A: Circuit court

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A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on their shady background, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

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A man contracted to paint a church. He noticed that he had not bought enough paint, it was Friday and he couldn't possibly get the additional paint he needed before the big event at the church. He had promised it would be done, so he decided to thin the paint so it would spread further. 
Sunday came and the membership was seriously disappointed with the paint job. There were places where it was so thin you could see right through it. There were other places where it ran and dripped on the sidewalks and steps. The congregation called an emergency meeting.
They decided to have the man come back and redo the paint. The job fell on the pastor to go tell the man he had to come back and redo the paint. So, the pastor was a good man who was always very thoughtful about what he said and keeping peace and all. He went to the man's home Monday morning and knocked on the door. The man came to the door and the pastor still didn't know what he was going to say to the man. The man, kind of shocked at the sight of the preacher, blurted out "Excuse me preacher, I don't feel very well, this hang-over has me by the tail!"
The preacher immediately knew what to say:
REPAINT and THIN NO MORE!!!!

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A couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" 
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" 
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" 
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. 
One weekend the husband woke up and it was raining hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. 
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" 
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. 
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? Who the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?