Hard Working JOW

I am glad to be working again; however I am having to remember what coworkers really mean when they say something. Here is a handy translation sheet I have developed.

“I can’t figure out how to work my phone” = “I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my phone”
“I need help with this” = “Do this for me”
“Hey, quick question…” = “Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…”
“We need to give Cathy a call” = “You need to give Cathy a call”
“I think we’re out of pens” = “I do not see a pen within a three foot radius of where I’m sitting”
“Did Todd get a new computer?” = “Why haven’t I also gotten a new computer?”
“Thanks for showing me how to do something in Microsoft Excel” = “You are now the company’s expert in Microsoft Excel”
“I’m expecting a fax” = “I’m expecting you to hover over the fax machine for the next few hours.

The help wanted ads are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living...

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Responses to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:

• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea.
• Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
• Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Descartes said he'd think about it.

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
…………………………………….

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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Here is a truck driving joke for Charlie and Kathy

Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 13 1/2 feet and our truck is 14 feet high."
Second driver, "It's ok, just go, there aren’t any cops around."

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Finally, on a non-work related note my cousin Bil had his annual checkup and reported the experience thusly:

During my recent physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."


Tom

Happy Thanksgiving JOW

Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience; it's like an orgy that's rated G. Everyone feels like gluttony is their patriotic duty. We all eat until it takes the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy. We will be going up to eat with Ruth’s sister as usual but this will be the first time without any kids since I was on active duty in 1985 and ate Thanksgiving alone in a San Francisco restaurant. That was when I came to fully understand that it is not what you eat but who you eat the meal with that is important.
On a personal note, my sister welcomed another grandson into the world; J.R. Gerschefski. And Tiffany has finally successfully completed a five year effort and secured work as an attorney in L.A. This means that for the first time all five kids are gainfully employed at the same time.
Here are some Thanksgiving-themed jokes for the season(ing).

…………………
A college student invited her college roommate to join her large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, they got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until they suddenly remembered they had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she reassured them; “I was brought up in a family too.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'

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I am not ashamed of my ‘rural antecedences’. Jeff Foxworthy founded an entire genre of jokes celebrating our redneck heritage. And you might be a redneck if:

• You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
• Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
• You've ever re-used a paper plate.
• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
• If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
• Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
• Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
• Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

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TULSA, OK (DPI) - In what is becoming more and more common on holidays here in America, an entire family exploded shortly after finishing their Thanksgiving dinner.
Investigators from the Tulsa Sheriff Department said that, while the sheer size of the meal certainly played a part in the Turkey Day Massacre, the straw that broke the gobbler's back was in fact the whipped cream on the top of the pumpkin pie.
Sheriff Bill Gutt commented, "Yep, it was the Cool-Whip what done it. People just ain't got no common sense."

____________________________
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and you’ll get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Grandma: What would you like for dessert, Joey?
Joey: Pumpkin pie! Grandma: Pumpkin pie, what, dear? Say the magic word. Joey: I'm sorry, Grandma. Pumpkin pie, abracadabra!

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Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A Texas Ranger once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the Texas Rangers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.

………………………………
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The letter "g"!


Tom

Mishmash JOW

I have a mishmash of jokes this week starting with some puzzling questions a few observations and a couple of jokes at IKEA’s expense. I apologize for not having a theme this week; I have had less time to do my JOW since I started working. Nevertheless, I think you will enjoy at least some of them.

Troubling questions for the twisted mind:
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
• Is it okay for vegans to eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you eat both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
• Could it be that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?
• Do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

A few more petty observations:

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• An observation on Jose Cuervo: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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Martha had this observation –
Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Both Dick and Mary Ellen sent this to me. I can’t figure out why they sent it to me; neither are blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they both live in California. (A light suddenly dawns)
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This is serious stuff. Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Here are a couple of Ikea jokes:

I went to a business meeting at Ikea; they told me to make a chair and have a seat.
++++++++++++++
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I’m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You’ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and says: "Ahh lovely honey, you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up sees the repairman waiting inside. "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" demanded the outraged husband.
To which the worker replies:
"I’m waiting for the bus!"


Tom

Old Veteran JOW

Since Veteran’s Day is almost upon us I thought to provide some military humor. Remember we owe a lot to our veterans, so this Thursday why not give a veteran (especially Navy Vets) that you know a nice gift. A money order would be nice. ;^)

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Things are different for military families these days. There are separations but couples still keep in touch. At a military commissary a frazzled mother with two active children, stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case and warned her child that "If you don't get off there right now I'm going to e-mail your father!"
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
…………………………………….

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you’re Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. For a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army helicopter, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And if you are a Marine Corps flying thingee, it's Thursday afternoon."

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A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

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While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s all the way. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

++++++++++++++++++++++

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
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And finally, one non-military note:

There is big news about a Penn State coach who is accused of molesting no fewer than eight little boys over a 15 year period. The accusations have so upset him that he has decided to withdraw from the world and become a Roman Catholic priest.



Tom