It'll all work out JOW #1118

Being retired is not without its challenges.  I am falling behind here at home.  I am going to have to do twice as much ‘nothing’ tomorrow.  I can remember having to work….vaguely.  But I do have some jokes about the many different jobs in my various careers over my lifespan.  Alas, none of them involved jokes – some were jokes, but that is another story.  Here are my humorous (I hope) jokes of the week.

My Job Search

·         I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

·         After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 

·         Then, I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life - but I just didn't have the thyme. 

·         I tried to be a deli worker, but, no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. 

·         My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found out that I wasn't noteworthy. 

·         I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. 

·         So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

·         I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory.

·         The muffler factory was just exhausting.

·         I couldn’t cut it as barber, either.

·         I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

·         I didn’t fit in the shoe factory even though I put my sole into it.

·         Pool maintenance was too draining.

·         I got fired from the cannon factory.

·         And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

·         I worked for a while in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.  I felt it wasn’t going anywhere.

 

So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!

 

My old boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

 

I got fired from my job making keyboards.  I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.  So I got a job at the watch factory.  Now all I do all day is make faces.

Then I got fired from another job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

 

So now I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:

Leave Me the Fu Cologne.

 

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"

"The gas, electric, and cable company."

 

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.

“Why did you leave that job?” asked one co-worker.

“It was something my boss said,” the woman replied.

“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.

“You’re fired.”

++++++

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

I sometimes wonder about job titles.

Could a librarian be called a bookkeeper?

A referee be a game warden?

A dairyman be a cowboy?

A cabinetmaker be the president?

 

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.  (It is a word joke)

````

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?

===

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

^^^^

There was a man was in the street mumbling, “Deep hole full of water.”

It’s okay, he means well.

>>> 

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun.

<<< 

Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walk into a bar.

“OH SNaP!” says the bartender.

~~~~

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.  Just one byte.

A few quick ones

·         If you need more space, there is always NASA.

·         The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+

·         The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous, but backwards it’s even more stupid.

·         I wonder….If Mr. Potato Head was elected President would he be referred to as “Potatus”?

·         Why is it good to know sign language? Because it comes handy.

·         People who listened to the experts and isolated themselves during the pandemic had a form of ‘heard immunity.’

·         Why did she quit her job at the helium factory? She refused to be talked to in that voice.

 

A couple of off-topic jokes to finish

Two whales walk into a pub.

They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says: “Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?”

The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Frank, you’re drunk.”

~~~~~~~

A man came to the doctor for a bad cough.  The doctor mistakenly gave him a prescription for a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up

The doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to, now.”

 

 

Life Lessons JOW #1117

This week I have some jokes that teach some important life lessons, along with a few other tips, tricks, and jokes.  Enjoy.

Dick, a wise man, gave me some things to ponder as we age: 
The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54 
The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57 
The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41  
The best soccer player in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60  

Adelle Davis, a famous American author & nutritionist, “Let’s Eat Right to Keep Fit”, died of cancer at 70.

And on the other hand -
Colonel Sanders, KFC inventor, died at 94.  
Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88 
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102  
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 - in an earthquake    
Hennessy cognac, Irish inventor died at 98  

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only two years.  The turtle, that doesn't exercise at all, lives 300 years.

 Dick also sent these valuable life lessons – I have shared some of these before but not with their morals

**Lesson 1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a robe and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor who is giving her the eye. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to open that robe.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman opens her robe and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob takes a good look, smiles, hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the robe and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob our next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
*Moral of the story:*
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

**Lesson 2:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
*Moral of the story:*
Always let your boss have the first say

**Lesson 3:**
A young minister offered a lift to an attractive young woman. She got in and crossed her legs, revealing a length of leg. The minister nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The girl said, ”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The minister apologized “Sorry, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at her destination, the girl went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
*Moral of the story:*
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

**Lesson 4**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
Soon a fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Moral of the story:*
If you want to do nothing, you must be sitting very high up

**Lesson 5:**
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*Moral of the story:*
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there

**Lesson 6**
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Morals of the story:*
1. Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

And here is a story passed on from Tor.

I ordered Chinese take-out from a new local place (I won't name them) and went to pick it up.  As I was driving home with the yummy-smelling bag on the car floor next to me, I distinctly heard it rustling - and moving! I thought WT...? Has something gotten into the bag? For a moment, I could've sworn a tiny pair of eyes peered out at me, but I was driving so couldn’t really see.

So, I pulled over and stopped the car.

Carefully, I picked up the bag and put it on the passenger seat. There it was again! More rustling... and then those little eyes, looking out from behind the ginger beef! I thought, it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something. Slowly, I pulled the bag open... and there it was!

A Peeking duck.

++++++++

 

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

 

Fat and Sassy JOW #1116

I am still writing books.  Recently, I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing.  It should definitely spice up my autobiography.  Actually I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography.  Believe it or not, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.  My jokes this week reflect my recent experience at being old and fat.

 

My friend Tor tried calling the Tinnitus helpline. No answer. Just kept ringing.

 

This pandemic crisis seems like two years ago.  There is a simple explanation: 2022 is 2020 too.

 

Some good old life lessons from Dick

·         At this point in my life, "drinking responsibly" means don't spill it.

·         Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

·         It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·         When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

·         I remember being able to get up without making sound effects

·         I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

·         Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

·         When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

·         I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

·         These days, I run like the winded.

·         When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

·         When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

·         Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

·         My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

Lately I have been looking in the mirror and asking myself: Does this body make me look fat? Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?

===

This chef on TV just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor”. I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.”

+++

You are what you eat. So, you should really give up the nuts.

```

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 6:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 6:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

<<< 

Scene: A sports store.

Me: Do you have jogging shorts?

Clerk: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? 

 

Starting that diet:

Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" her friend exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" Kimberly replied. "I'll ride with you."

 

Eating healthier:

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

 

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 20-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

^^^^

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Of course, my grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.  He was a lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

~~~~

My grandfather always use to say “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

````

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

 

Article on the neighborhood website

Need a new home for a dog.  It is a small terrier that barks all the time.  If interested, let me know and I will jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

 

Mark Zuckerberg has concluded his research into rating every woman on Earth and has now shut down Facebook.  Thank you for your cooperation.

And at last some food for thought

I just saw this older movie where the mother is brutally killed by a cold blooded killer and the son is crippled. Then there's a twist and the son is kidnapped the father begins a quest to find and save his son with the help of a mental ill female.
It’s called Finding Nemo

Snide JOW #1115

 We have entered that period after the holidays when people start getting back into the old routine.  It is like an old engine grinding and sputtering before it settles into steady rumble.  Everything takes longer to get things accomplished.  This impacts even retirees.   I myself am on a very tight schedule of not getting anything done.

I normally do not go in for insult humor but I have been feeling rather snarky lately, so here are some snide jokes and put downs. 

===================

Sarcasm will get you nowhere.

Well, it got me to the Sarcasm Championships last year.

Really?

No.

 

Sarcasm gives you the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

 

Better grab my dumbrella. It’s really stupid out there today.

 

Get back at the new generation.  Put them in a room with a rotary phone, an analog clock, and a TV with no remote.  The write the directions in cursive.

 

In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion…Nice try though.

 

I enjoy seeing friends and family I haven’t seen in a while.   But apparently it is only appropriate to say “Look at you!  You’ve gotten so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

 

People keep telling me “If you don’t wear a mask, you don’t care about other people”. I thought I had already made that pretty clear.

 

Somedays you feel like you’re surrounded by idiots. Other days you realize it’s not just somedays.

 

I would like to have kids one day. But I don't think I could put up with them any longer than that, though.

 

My parents raised me as an only child which really annoyed my sister.

 

My favorite movie is 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame.' I love it when the protagonist has a twisted back story.

 

My grandmother said that I'm too dependent on technology. I called her a hypocrite and disconnected her life support.

 

Alcohol is the perfect solvent. It dissolves careers, families, and relationships.

 

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.

 

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it. 

 

Women are the past masters of the passive-aggressive complement.

"You are so attractive when you make an effort!"

"Half your outfit looks amazing, really!"

"Your Instagram makes it seem like you have a happening life!"

“I love how you don't care at all about how you come across!"

 "I really like how you remind me of the days when I was young and stupid."

^^^^^^^^^^

It is ironic that the colors blue, white, and red stand for freedom in the U.S. until they start flashing right behind you.

 

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

 

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

 

Do you know why I had a bad day? My ex was run over by a bus and I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

 

What do you call double standards? Burning a body at a crematorium is being respectful but doing the same at home is called destroying evidence.

 

Some classic old put downs from famous people.

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli:  "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

"He had delusions of adequacy."

Walter Kerr

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain

 

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in response

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb

 

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"

Mae West

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

 

 And finally a more or less random joke.

At a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped the waiter with a drink order. He approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" The waiter asked. The bartender admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked the waiter to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.

"Sir," He asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon Blanc."