Dumb sex JOW #934

There has been a lot of noise & outrage about oppressed women and various sexual shenanigans in the ‘news’ lately.  It sounds more like high school chatter than actual news but than our media has been that way for a while.  I am sure a part of the problem has to do with misunderstandings and miscommunications between men and women.  There are lots of jokes about this subject.  Here are a few 'dumb sex' (and we know which one is dumb) for your amusement.

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A female brain cell once entered the skull of a man. She found nothing.
A bit nervous, she cried: “Is there anybody in here?” No answer.
She cried out again, as loud as she could: “Is there anybody in here?”
Then she heard a faint, distant cry: “We are trapped doooown here!”

 ----------------------------

What she really means:

Yes = Maybe
No = Maybe
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you’ll be so sorry
We need to talk = You’re in deep trouble
Sure, go ahead = you netter not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

What he really means:

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = let’s have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seen on women’s tee shirts

·         I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

·         Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

·         Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

·         I hate everybody, and you're next.

·         Please don't make me kill you.

·         And your point is ...

·         I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

·         Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

·         All stressed out and no one to stab.

·         I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

·         How can I miss you if you won't go away?

·         Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

·         Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

·         Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

Women feel men change after marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You always make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband

When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married … You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a blank stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by your pet name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you as “She.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A woman called in to poison control very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

They quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. 

They told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Which made me think of another dumb joke:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Which then reminded me of this final joke:

“You’re and idiot!  A weak fool!  Everybody knows it.”  The shrew was loudly berating her old husband to the embarrassment of the other customers in the bank.  It was clear this was a long-standing habit of hers.

Suddenly a masked gunman burst into the bank brandishing a gun.  “Everybody down.  Nobody look at my face.”  As he reached for the money his mask slipped.  Hastily pulling the mask back up the robber shouted “Did any one you see my face?” 

An old teller raised his hand.

BANG.  The robber shot him dead.  “Did anyone else see me?”

Still keeping his head prudently down, the old husband extended a finger to his wife.  “I’m pretty sure my wife there got a good look.”

Bathroom humor JOW #933

I am always looking for a theme for my Jokes of the Week.  I mentioned I am having a bathroom renovated.  My friend Tor suggested that I use some bathroom jokes.  Poop Jokes are not my favorite but they are a solid #2.  There’s nothing worse than crappy humor. It usually tanks, and you want them to just put a lid on it.  Even so, some of the jokes this week are about the potty and associated activities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered,

“What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

There were no more lipstick mirror kisses
@@@@@

·         I saw one of the workers in my bathroom standing on the toilet; he was high on pot.

·         Toilet paper – what a rip off.

·         The poor accountant had constipation – he couldn’t budget.

·         What do you get if you cross a stuffed bear and a toilet?  Winnie the Pooh.

·         What is brown and sticky?  A stick

·         I call my bathroom Jim instead of John.  That way I feel better when I tell people I go to the Jim every morning.

Bathroom signs

·         Please don’t flush paper towels, sanitary napkins, hopes, or dreams, down this toilet

·         Please remain seated for the entire performance.

·         How can a man hit a deer at 200 yards and keep missing the toilet?

·         Gentlemen, stand closer.  You are shorter than you think.

·         Please do not put anything in the toilet you have not eaten.

·         The length of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message.

She wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you ate crying, send me your tears. I love you".

Her husband texted back: “I’m in the toilet, please advise.”
___________
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent. 
Since writing graffiti on the wall is done neither for wealth nor critical acclaim it is the purest form of art.  Some examples:

·         A Belch is just one gust of wind, 
That cometh from thy Heart... 
But should it take the downward trend, 
It turns into a Fart

·         If you feel powerless, just remember that what you just left here can shut down and entire restaurant.

·         For fans of H.P. Lovecraft’s horror stories –Cthulu/Shoggoth ’18  Vote for the lesser of two evils.

·         Gentlemen – Use these restrooms as if your wife had to clean them and not some strange black lady who has a KNIFE.

·         Quick, pull up your pants and start running!

·         Things I hate: 1. Graffiti  2. Lists.  3. Irony  4. Inconsistency

·         On the toilet paper dispenser: “Pull for an Art Degree”

I love it when graffiti gets follow- on comments.

·         “Satin Rules!” (with cabalistic signs)  “Well…. It’s a nice fabric and all but I don’t know if it rules.”

·         ‘I love grills”    “you mean girls”    “what about us grills?”

And women’s restrooms have some great graffiti

·         “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I slept with your dad.”  “Go home mom, you’re drunk.”

·         “Stop the idea of society’s mandated self-image.  We are all beautiful.”  “I bet a fat girl wrote that.”

·         “You’ve got to lose weight if you want to find love.”  “Unless they love your lumps.”

·         “In Hogwarts, this is called ‘the magical poop-stealing water chair.”

·         ‘The Chamber of Secrets is in the next stall.”

·         “May your life be like a roll of toilet paper, long and useful.”

·         “Tuition goes up every year, but we still have 1-ply toilet paper.”

·         “Dance like no one is watching.  Poop like no one is here.”

Enough with the bathroom humor.

I recommend all children become writers. That way you will have unfinished homework until you die.

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WTF is an acronym.  

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I thought we had something special.  You met my family, brought me my dinner, and called me honey.  Now, suddenly you’re a ‘waitress’ who’s ‘just doing her job.’

+++++++++

If I am on my deathbed please move me to my ‘alive bed.’

<<<<<<<<< 

Death: “I have come for you.”

Man: “That’s what she said.”

>>>>>>>>>> 

Woman, flirting with Death: “Hey, big guy, I like the hood and scythe look.”
*******

 If you can’t afford anti-depressants, try using no more tears shampoo.

And finally

A husband a wife were dressed and ready to go out for a night on the town.  They turned on the night light and put the cat in the fenced backyard in anticipation of the arrival of their cab.  As they headed back to the front door to get into the car, the cat scooted back inside just as their ride arrived.  They did not want to leave the cat inside unattended for fear she would get after their canary, so the husband went after the cat while the wife went out to the cab. 

Because the wife did not want to let on that the house would be empty all evening she told the driver that her husband was just saying goodnight to my mother.  A few minutes later the husband got into the car, obviously hot and bothered. 

He felt compelled to explain his state.  “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  I had to drag her out by her neck, wrapped in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time.  I hauled her fat ass out to the back, threw her outside, and locked the backdoor.

The silence from the driver was deafening.

Constructive Project JOW #932

We have started a bathroom renovation project in my house.  This got me thinking about construction; I used to be a carpenter’s helper at Bust a Grape construction company.  There are a number of jokes on the subject of c.  Do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh sorry, I'm still working on it….

The six stages of any project

·         Initial enthusiasm

·         Disillusionment

·         Panic

·         Search for the Guilty

·         Punishment of the Innocent

·         Rewards for non-participants

 
++++++++++

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

---------------------

 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site
and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed
the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said,
“Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”

++++++++++++

Two roofers, John and Dave, were working and John, upon on the roof accidentally cut off his ear.

He yelled down to Dave…” Hey! Look out for my ear, I just cut it off”

A bit later Dave calls up to John, “Is this your ear?”

John looks down and says, “No! Mine had a pencil behind it!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

While carpenters were working outside the old house, the new owner busied herself with indoor cleaning.
She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors.
“Just a minute,” she said, thinking of a quick solution.  “I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

````````````````````````````````

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

>>>>>>>>> 

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”     

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

Some leftover jokes about funerals

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alice was always obsessively clean and continually frustrated by her daughter’s messiness.  After her death she arranged to have her ashes scattered on, and then ground into, her daughter’s rug.

For those of you with little ones, here is a Hoki Poki joke

So, I’m sure you all heard of John Hoki, the inventor of the Hoki Poki. While John’s life is well known, what’s not so well know, is a story that happened at his funeral in the late 1940’s. Being that John was quite a popular fella, mostly due to the Hoki Poki, Thousands showed up for his funeral, all coming to bid him farewell. Well, it happened right before the ceremony was about to begin, when the undertaker gently lifted John up to place him in the coffin. The problem that arose was that as soon as they put his right foot in……

And finally

A famous heart specialist died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.  After everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist"

Funereal JOW #931

The John McCain funeral seemed interminable (bad pun) but it did give me a topic for this week’s set of jokes.  Funeral jokes are the best - they never die...   But a good funeral should include at least some laughter.  So here are some funeral-related bits.

There men were discussing what they would like for people to say over them as they walked past their casket.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... ‘Look, he's moving!’”
^^^^^^^^^^^^

What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”

“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “Congratulations on your new location.”

 He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “Rest in Peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “Now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”
+++++++++++++

A widow could not resist flashing a huge new diamond ring at the beauty parlor.

“What a lovely ring,” they exclaimed, “Where did you get it?”

"My late mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!”

Chuck Norris jokes will never die.

·         Chuck Norris can make you laugh at your own funeral.

·         Chuck Norris cancelled his own funeral.

·         Chuck Norris wears white to a funeral; no one asks why.

Tombstone epitaphs.  The first is an actual carving on a gravestone in Jacksonville

·         Those were they days my friend, we thought they’d never end.  But they did.

·         Died from not forwarding that email to ten other people.

·         Motivational speakers have a chance to get the last word in.

·         ‘I’m not dead – I’ve awakened the dead person in me.’

·         Not deceased – dimensionally challenged.’

·         Putting the ‘i’ in die.

·         Some see death as an obstacle.  I see it as an opportunty

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Mom, we really need to discuss funeral plans.  Would you prefer to be buried or cremated?”

“Why don’t you just surprise me?”

--------------

Cremation is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

``````````````

Then there was the passing hardworking executive – he was just buried in paperwork.

……………..

Actually, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the remains of all my cremated socks.

And of course, there are those horrible awkward things you say do at a funeral.

Like when you finally have a chance to see distant friends and relations you like at a funeral. And after chatting with them you part with “We should do this more often.”

------------------

Awkward – Your cell phone goes off at full volume at a funeral.

Even more awkward – Your ring tone is ‘I will survive.’

…………………..
“He will be missed by all the people he touched in his life.” - What not to say a pedophile’s funeral.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl raised the dreaded question after her grandfather’s funeral, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when we die?"

Her brother, who was busy texting one of his friends at the time, barely glanced up from his phone. "We'll go in the limousine dummy."

Some funereal lawyer jokes

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"

===============

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to defy the old adage ‘you can’t take it with you, so he asked be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatric ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

And finally, I wanted to resurrect this old but good joke

An old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"