Boxing Day JOW #1212

 I may have overdosed on Christmas.  I dreamt I saw Frosty the Snowman kissing Santa Claus last night.  And the Jolly Green giant was wearing a red Santa suit doing his Ho Ho Ho thing.  Today there is Boxing Day, the day after Christmas.  I kind of like the concept of Boxing Day the way the Anglicans do it and I thought it might make a theme, but I really don’t have many Boxing Day jokes.  The British sense of humor is like their cooking: dry and tasteless.  Never the less, here are a few leftover jokes, in honor of all the leftovers from the holiday feasts.

 

Happy Boxing Day.   Because nothing says “The Spirit of Christmas” like fighting over a parking space at the mall.

 

Boxing Day, it’s a magical time of year when companies send you amazing emails with pictures of all the stuff you just brought from them, at half price.

 

What is the difference between Boxing Day in Canada and the US?
In Canada, it’s when they give to the poor. In the US, it’s when they return the crappy gifts you got for Christmas.

 

What’s the real boxing on Boxing Day?  Trying to fit all the holiday decorations back into their boxes.

 

I saw a recent advertisement: Buy Gold!  Customers who bought this also bought frankincense and myrrh.  

 

"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing."

 

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.”

So I bought her nothing.  After all, don’t they say that nothing lasts forever.

 

I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after Christmas.  For example yesterday I saw someone giving his entire wallet to a guy who only had a knife.

 

Let’s shift off that topic

Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

 

Yea though I walk through the Valley of Death I know that I cannot trust Google Maps.

 

Kindle: because reading wasn’t nerdy enough, we needed to add electronics.

 

The only thing flat earthers have to fear in sphere itself.

 

So what is the periodic table the rest of time?

 

I've reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.

 

I just sold my homing pigeon – for the seventh time.

 

There is a special mushroom, that if you eat just once will be enough to feed you for the rest of your life.

 

Everybody knows that Albert Einstein was a genius, but his big brother Frank was a real monster.

 

If all the people in the world would join hands in a ring around the equator, a significant number of them would drown in the ocean.

 

If you watch Jeopardy backward it’s about people with money paying to get the answers to questions.

 

“Why isn’t Kelvin at work today?”

“Oh, he left.  Meet Celsius.  He’s our new temp.”

 

Here is a mathematical poem.  You can actually write this as an equation.  

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more

 

A man noticed an active six-year-old girl wearing a Fitbit.

“Are you tracking your steps?” he asked her.

“No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.”

 

Two women snapping at each other.

“My body is a temple.  Yours is a nightclub.’

“Nightclubs have restricted access.  Temples are open to everyone.”

 

Once upon a time a woman whose passion was the harp.  Her harp was immaculate, 17th century, with ornate carvings, and was her pride and joy. One Christmas she met a man and fell instantly head over heels in love.  In an impulsive gesture she gave him her beloved instrument.  Imagine how she felt when she discovered he sold it in an online auction the next day.  She then sat down and began writing this song:  

“Last Christmas I gave her my harp, but the very next day, it was sold on eBay.”

 

And finally, an ending Christmas story

 

Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:
"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a a hat, a scarf, and maybe some mittens?
Love,
Timmy"
The post office workers, heartbroken, pool in what they can, and buy the boy a hat and a scarf. Unfortunately, they couldn't collect enough for mittens. They send the gifts to the orphanage.
Two weeks later, as they come back to work after Christmas, they find another letter with the same, familiar handwriting.
"Dear Santa,
Thank you very much for your gifts. I received the hat and the scarf. I didn't get any mittens though. Must be those thieving assholes at the post office".

 

 

Your JOW has been delivered JOW #1211

 This is the week before the Big Gift Giving Holiday.  It used to be everyone was out into the stores buying gifts.  Now it is all efficiently delivered right to your home.  Amazon delivery vans are basically Santa Clauses for adults.   My wife uses Amazon Prime so often that the other day, when she didn’t order anything the delivery guy came by to see if Ruth was all right.   They call it Amazon ‘Prime’ because ‘Crippling your local businesses’ was too long for a logo.  Here are a few jokes about delivery service.

 

Let me start with a mathematical joke:

What’s the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon prime.

 

Amazon, bringing the joy of Christmas morning every two days with packages you don’t remember ordering.

 

Did you ever wonder how Wonder Woman got all the way from her remote hidden, island to Europe in one day?  Easy.  Amazon overnight delivery.

 

What do you call when Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together?
Amazon Web Services.

 

What do you get when Wonder Woman has a child with a transformer?
Amazon Prime.

 

What do you call monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

 

Why shouldn’t you order hay for your horse off Amazon?
After a couple of days, they’ll ask for your feed back.

 

Little Johnny was binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let him watch certain episodes. Specifically, episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29.
Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

 

What’s the number one item shipped by Amazon?
Cardboard boxes.

 

What’s another name for Best Buy?
The Amazon Showroom.

 

Did you hear about an amputee who found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon?
It was secondhand.

 

Did you hear about the kid who ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank?
He has no words to describe how angry he is.

 

Why did Amazon name its drone delivery service Amazon Prime Air?
Because the name Dropbox is already taken.

 

Why did Amazon Prime temporarily change its name to Amazon Rime?
Because it needed a P break.

 

Asked Alexa the secret to happiness. She added chocolate to my Amazon cart.

 

How does the pope pay for his Amazon orders?
Papal.

 

Why Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause?
It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around Christmas, and is very eager for our cookies.

 

Of course, Amazon cares about its employees. That’s why they keep providing boxes for them to live in.

 

With Amazon Prime, you can have your regret of impulse purchases delivered even faster!

 

You can be your own secret Santa.  All you need is tequila and Amazon Prime

 

Did you hear about the order of a deck of cards from Amazon?
Two weeks later it hasn’t arrived and customer service told they’re dealing with it.

 

I just ordered an ax from Sweden.  I have always wanted a foreign ax sent.

 

Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made clothing within 48 hours of ordering.
It’s called Tailor Swift.

 

How Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods really went down?
Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.
Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.
Bezos: Crap.

 

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

 

 

Some rejected names for delivery services

Speedy turtle delivery
Instantly delayed package
Lightning-fast snail courier
Express slow delivery
Turbo-slow mail
Promptly late arrival
Sloth messenger service
Urgently unhurried packages
Super slow express

 

I started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr. Delivery Man, we're out, please hide in the garage."
That was eight hours ago and nobody has found me yet.

 

I saw a line of pizza delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.
It was the Domino's effect.

 

If your grandma was run over by a reindeer at Camp LeJune you may be entitled to compensation.  Call 1-800-ELF HELP

 

Another name for Santa’s helpers: subordinate clauses.

 

A man walks into a bar and glumly asks for a double whiskey.

“What’s wrong?” asked to concerned bartender.

“Yesterday I asked my childhood sweetheart, the most beautiful woman I know, and my best friend to marry me.  All three of them said no.”

 

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand... you don’t.

 

Cloning yourself and pushing your nasty clone off a cliff to its death is probably a crime, but what crime is it?
Is it murder?
Suicide?
Or making an obscene clone fall?

And finally

An elderly man lived near a forest. Over the years, his hair gradually thinned until he was completely bald. As he gathered his children for one last meeting before his death, he pointed to his bald head and said, “My hair, once luscious, is completely gone now. But look outside at the forest. It’s beautiful, full of marvelous trees. However, it too is destined to be as bare as my head.”
He continued, “And this is why I have one simple request for you all, which I hope you’ll honor. Whenever a tree dies or is cut down, plant a new one in my memory. Pass down this tradition to your children and grandchildren. Let it be our family’s mission to keep this forest thriving.”
And so they did. With each fallen tree, the children and their descendants replanted another, ensuring the forest’s vitality for generations. And to this day, that forest remains lush and vibrant, all thanks to one man’s reseeding heirline.
Now that’s what you call a family hairloom.

Grammatic JOW #1210

 I do love words and even grammar.  When I was writing my books, I was shocked at how flexible the ‘rules’ of grammar actually are.  Two of my editors got into long email ‘comma wars’ on the use of that bit of punctuation.  I have a bunch of spelling/grammar/word puzzles this week.  Most have the answer provided but if you don’t get them, let me know.  I am an old retiree who loves to get email questions.  I hope you enjoy these mostly quick word jokes.

 

We are in for a bad spell of weather with hale, rane, litening, and thundre.

 

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right is still spelled incorrectly

 

Why do apostrophes and commas look like sperm cells?  They interrupt periods and create contractions.

 

What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha

 

How do you compare a state like Washington and one like Florida?  They are like apples and oranges.”

 

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom

 

While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with her English class, an older teacher posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?”

One student raised her hand. “Past tense.”

 

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

I wish a group of squids were called a squad.

 

Here are some puzzles

What has four letters, sometimes nine letters, always six letters, but never has five letters.

Hint: This is not a question

 

A word is this sentence is misspelled.

Hint: It is literally true.

 

What begins with a W and ends with a T?

Hint: It is literally true.

 

What is a question word. 

Hint: It is literally true.

 

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?

An envelope

 

Which word is the longest in the English language?

Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters

 

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to pronounce the word: unionized.

 

What did the intransitive verb say when told it was pretty?

Nothing. Intransitive verbs can’t take a complement. 

 

Is there a word that uses all the vowels including ‘y’? 

Unquestionably.

 

What happened when the verb asked the noun to conjugate?

The noun declined.

 

Why should you never date an apostrophe?

They’re too possessive

 

What's another word for cinnamon?

Synonym.

 

What's the fastest way to ruin free pie?

Put the word 'gluten' at the beginning

 

Why would they add the word "twerk" to the dictionary?

People that would use said word don’t read.

 

Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?

It means nothing to them.

 

What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?

Stone.

 

What word has the most letters in it?

Postbox

 

Which word becomes shorter after you add two letters to it?

Short

 

What three words will emasculate any man?

Hold my purse.

 

Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?

Before was was was was was is.

 

How many syllables does the word "Gloria" have?

Catholic choir: ‘Oh, about 18.’

 

How do you take the letter "F" out of the word "WAY"?

There is no F in way.

 

I invented a new word: Plagiarism.

 

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions.

 

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize’. Except at a funeral.

 

Why are people still using dictionaries?  I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.

 

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.  I just wish it would go to he’ll.

 

“Bacon is good for you.”  Now you can tell people that you read somewhere bacon is good for you.

 

Recent English majors wedding vows are “I now pronouns you he and she.”

 

I before E… except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor. 

 

Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.

It could wind up spelling disaster.

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

 

Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars! The cops are working on it—tirelessly.

They also stole all the toilets in the police station.  The police say they have nothing to go on.

 

I was hit on the head with a book.  I only have my shelf to blame.  I went to the doctor’s office to have it looked at. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave me instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured me by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”

 

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.” —Anonymous.

 

A very tough question to answer

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, apparently

 

I asked Siri a question and she said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”

I must have left the phone in Airplane mode.

 

And to wrap this up here is a final joke.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.
"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.
"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question: what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.

 

Questionable JOW #1209

 Why are you having a JOW based on questions, you ask?  Couldn’t I think of any other topic besides focusing primarily on humorous inquiries?  Will all the jokes be about questions?  And are at least some of them going to be funny? Will there be any more questions?  

 

If people who take care of sheep called shepherds, shouldn’t people who take care of chickens called chicken tenders?

 

How much ‘No More Tears’ shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

 

If you get hemmed in by a bunch of Santas do you get Claustraphobia?

 

Is a bull dozer a napping bull?

 

If a bull terrier is a cross between a bulldog and a terrier, what would you call a cross between a bulldog and a Shih Tzu?

 

·         What game do you play with a wombat.  Why wom, of course.

·         What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

·         What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?   A dinosnore.

·         What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

·         What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?  Trouble.

·         What do you call a bagel that can fly?  A plane bagel.

 

 

A couple of grimmer questions

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions.

Like, "Who's blood is this?", "Where did you get it?  and, "Why is it in a bucket?”

 

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

 

My 9-year-old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

 

An innocent riddle

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one,

Brad Pitt's is short,

Madonna does not have one,

and the Pope doesn't use it.
What is it?
A last name.

Adam goes up do God to ask him a question

"God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So that you could love her, my child" came the simple reply.
Adam is happy with the answer, and asks another question: "But why did you make her so dumb?"
"So that she could love you."

 

If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

 

Should we call all these guys who transition to females ‘EX-Men’?

 

And if Elon Musk bought the Tampa Bay Rays would he rename them the X-Rays

 

Q: What do you call someone that saw an iPhone being stolen?
A: An iWitness.

 

I heard that the easiest word to spell is ‘icy’.  Looking at it I see why.  (say it out loud)

 

Here are four questions to test your problem solving skills

Question 1: How would you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

 

Question 2: How would you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

The correct answer: Same as above? Wrong. Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

 

Question 3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

The correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This tests your memory.)

 

Question 4: There is a river you must cross, but it is known to be frequented by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage to cross?

The correct answer: You just jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. (This tests whether you learn from your mistakes.)

~~~~~~~

In Ireland there is a tradition that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it must be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:
"Mary...I've not much time left. So, I want to ask you something that's bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth...is Aiden really my son?"
Mary says "Seamus, as God is my witness, I swear on all that's good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child."
With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said:
"Whew...thank God he didn't ask about the other three!"

 

And finally, a longer joke about a Question:

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer. Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question. Again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy any of the parties. Seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people. And he knew everything. He was so smart they called him Pope the Wise. The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question. The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room. The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does. The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boy’s question.  Everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset. He exclaims
“This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope the Wise!”
But she was Nun the Wiser

 

Big Fat JOW #1208

I hope you all had as fine a Thanksgiving as I did.  One of the highlights of the day was seeing 77-year-old Dolly Pardon in a cheerleader outfit at halftime of the Dallas Cowboy’s game.  At first, I did not realize it was Dolly.  I thought it was maybe one of the Dallas cheerleaders from the last time the Cowboys won a Super Bowl.  I thoroughly enjoyed the Thanksgiving feast though it came at the cost of a few extra pounds – totally worth it.  My jokes this week start with poking fun the large segment of our population.

 

Why aren’t fat jokes socially acceptable?

It’s never nice to make fun at anyone’s expanse.

 

What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?

Fat people jokes.

 

I was able to burn 1200 calories in just 30 minutes – I left my pizza in the oven too long.

 

Why are drug dealers now selling LSD as the best weight loss medication? No one is going to cross a fire-breathing dragon blocking the refrigerator.

 

I suppose there are people who can pass up free guacamole, but they're either allergic to avocado or too joyless to live.

 

It has been said that the idea of accepting overweight people has been embraced by the wider community.

 

I looked at the Weight Watchers website yesterday.  They asked if I’d accept cookies.  Trick question?

 

In a way, gluttony is an athletic feat - a stretching exercise.

 

She had a body for sin.  Unfortunately, that sin was gluttony.

 

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony.  But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

 

June is Pride month.  Apparently, November is Gluttony month.

 

Gluttony and Lust are the only sins that abuse something that is essential to our survival.

 

What do you call a man who became fat from eating too much McDonald's?

Big Max

 

These days, to me, going clubbing simply means getting a sandwich.

 

It’s better to never tell jokes about fat people. They never work out.

 

Word of the Day:  Cenosillicaphobia: the fear of an empty glass of beer.

 

Why did obese Romans prefer loose clothes? Because in Roman Numerals L is bigger than XL.

 

What do you have after eating too much alphabet soup?

A large vowel movement.

 

A woman tells her doctor she can’t help being overweight. Her parents, siblings and children are all overweight because it runs in the family. The doctor responds by saying “I seriously doubt anyone is running in your family.”

 

Enough with the weighty humor.

 

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be an old man,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own business.”

 

There is a store called Forever 21.  Is that where vampires shop?

 

Seeking one night stand.  Possibly two because I have two lamps.

 

One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.

 

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

 

If we keep making so much toilet paper, we are going to wipe ourselves out.

 

I have mixed drinks about feelings

 

Tradition:  Peer pressure from dead people

 

If you get locked out of your car, try talking to it, because communication is key.

 

If life closes one door, just open it up again.  That’s how doors work

 

Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words?

 

You cannot run though a campground.  You can only ran because it is past tents.

 

Two mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night
The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the hell out of me"
The second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back through here alone!"

 

I do not understand why women love cats.  Cats are independent.  They do not listen. They do not come when you call them in.  They like to stay out all night and when they are home, all they want to do is be left alone and sleep.

So, basically, every quality that women hate in men they love in cats.

 

How come John isn’t at work today?

He’s in the hospital.

Wow.  I saw him dancing at the club with some chick just last night.

Apparently so did his wife.

 

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

·         I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

·         The muffler factory was just exhausting.

·         I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

·         I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

·         I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

·         The paper shop folded.

·         Pool maintenance was too draining.

·         I got fired from the cannon factory.

·         And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

 

And finally

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So, one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“Isn’t that something,” says the leader “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”

Thanksgiving JOW #1207

 It's already Thanksgiving again, because time flies — even if turkeys don't.  I love Thanksgiving primarily because I get to see family I often do not see during the year.  I do have to be careful, however.  Apparently, the phrase ‘Look how big you’re getting!” should only be directed to the youngsters.  Of course, after Thanksgiving comes the dreaded Black Friday. I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.  I hope all of you can have a nice Thanksgiving feast with friends and family.

 

People tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

 

If things go wrong with Thanksgiving dinner, don't lose your head. The turkey already did that for you.

 

Walmart has a special promotion in California this week.  Free turkeys if you can outrun security.

 

I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year. It sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

 

A guy checked into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. As it turns out, he just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

 

A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.

 

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

 

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.  (Math joke)

 

One Thanksgiving morning, a farmer walks into his house with a turkey under his arm. “I’m here with the pig,” he says.

“That’s a turkey,” his wife says.

The man answers, “I wasn’t talking to you."

Thanksgiving riddles

Q: What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for one day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

 

Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A: Only one, but you have to really squeeze him in there.

 

Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their age.

 

Q: What can never, ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Thanksgiving breakfast.

 

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? 

A: The G

 

Q: What are turkeys thankful for on Thanksgiving?
A: Vegans.

 

Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, a husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?”

His wife smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”

 

A company gave out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a retiree called to ask, “What time do the turkeys get in?”

The receptionist, without thinking, responded, “Everyone starts at eight.”

Some non-thankful jokes.

On the way to meet her husband at a restaurant, she realized that she didn’t have her phone and immediately panicked. Her husband saw the phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. When he arrived, the wife checked her texts. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” 

 

How is a wife like bacon?
– They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.

 

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

One night as a mother was putting my 2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, she saw a bright full moon in the sky. Mom let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply.

“And the stars?” she asked.

Again, the answer was, “God.”

She continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally, she asked, “Who made Daddy?”

She said, “Grandma.”

 

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

“Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?” She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”

 

Questionable safety note on a hedge trimmer: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” 

A few words that we need to invent.

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. 

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. 

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. 

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text. 

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. 

 

And finally

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology-based approach?
Karen: At last, a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s Cancer.
Doctor: Well, what a coincidence.