Yes, this is a set of
Jokes of the Week, but it is also a blatant bit of promotion. My last book, The Old King, the Third in the series of the Chronicles of Athan
has gone live on Amazon, and I have received copies of the book for individual
sale.
The Old King is a rousing
historical novel set in northern Greece around 450 BCE. The book follows the exciting life of Athan,
the Accidental King, a man who becomes the king of Dassaria quite by accident. Through wars and adventures Athan watches his
little kingdom grow and prosper. The one
subject he will not discuss, even with his closest friends, is that he does not
seem to be getting any older. This
becomes a bigger challenge when he rescues Thais, a woman in a desperate
situation. Thais is the love of Athan’s
life and they have many adventures together before she passes from his
life. Athan, reflecting back on his long
life has to come to terms with just what is important even in a life as long
and exciting as his.
Although this is the third
in a series, it is not necessary to have read the first two books to enjoy The Old King. Copies
are available at my website, or on Amazon.com (just search for Thos. Pinney) in
hardback, soft cover, and as an eBook. If you are in the greater Houston area, I will
be glad to personally sell you an autographed copy of any of my books at a
substantial discount.
I hope you will read and
enjoy The Old King. Just remember that old canard – “Never get an
author mad. They will write you into their next story…. as
the victim.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once a young man
who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in anger!"
When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in anger!"
He now works for
Microsoft, writing error messages.
-------------------
A famous author was attending
a party. A jealous rival struck up a
conversation with him.
“I enjoyed your book very
much. Who wrote it for you?”
“I am glad you enjoyed
it. Who read it to you?”
***************
A
visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had
been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
Some light bulb jokes:
How many new authors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not important now, let me tell you about my new book!
How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three.
One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising
twist at the end.
How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Why
does it *have* to be changed?
How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A
VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
ow many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two,
but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met
himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder
so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the
entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed
in a parallel universe, though.
Did you hear the one about
the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't!
Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"? She was having contractions.
My Guide on How to Write Good
1.
Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice.
3.
a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never ever split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. Never make generalizations – they are all bad.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
15. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
16. The passive voice is to be avoided.
17. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
18. Who needs rhetorical questions?
19. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
20. Don't never use a double negation.
21. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with a period
22. Do not put statements in the negative form.
23. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
24. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
25. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
26. A writer must not shift your point of view.
27. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too,)
28. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
29. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the antecedents.
30. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
31. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
32. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
33. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
34. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
35. Always pick on the correct idiom.
36. The adverb always follows the verb.
37. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; They're old hat
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never ever split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. Never make generalizations – they are all bad.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
15. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
16. The passive voice is to be avoided.
17. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
18. Who needs rhetorical questions?
19. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
20. Don't never use a double negation.
21. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with a period
22. Do not put statements in the negative form.
23. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
24. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
25. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
26. A writer must not shift your point of view.
27. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too,)
28. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
29. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the antecedents.
30. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
31. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
32. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
33. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
34. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
35. Always pick on the correct idiom.
36. The adverb always follows the verb.
37. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; They're old hat
An Ode to the Spell
Check
Eye halve a spelling
chequer
It cam with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!
It cam with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!
