Happy New JOW #490

It being New Year’s eve, I suppose I should celebrate with some topical humor. I for one am more than willing to see the back of the year 2009. In fact, the entire decade wasn’t all that great. But I hope for the best in the new year, once again allowing optimism to triumph over experience.
New Years humor normal focuses on two topics: New Year’s resolutions and drinking. Not being one to disappoint my readers let me start with some of my own resolutions:

• I intend to start procrastinating more, starting tomorrow.
• I will try to be one with my duality
• I will share my wisdom and advice for there are few sweeter words than “I told you so.”
• Before I criticize another man I will first walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets mad at me I have a good head start and he is barefoot.
• I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except for the ones that are someone else’s fault.
• I will let go my feelings of guilt and try to get in touch with my inner sociopath

A quick attempt at a joke
Jane took an afternoon nap on New Year ’s Eve. Upon awakening she told her husband that she had a vivid dream that he had given her a pair of beautiful diamond earrings.
“I wonder what it means?” she asked him.
“Oh, I think you will find out tonight,” he smiled at her.
Sure enough, just before midnight he presented her with a nice New Year’s gift.
A book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”


On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Finally,

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

Yuletide JOW #489

It has been brought to my attention that it is almost Christmas. I am far from being the most perceptive gift-giver but I have learned a few things about gifts not to give to women, most especially women you either live with or would like to live with. Consider the advice my gift to you. And Merry Christmas to all!

Gifts best not given:
• Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV or anything you see in an informercial.
• Do not consider any bulk cleaning supplies as a gift. Imagine lines like: "Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." If you make this mistake, all I can say is, be prepared to run. Even a $5 Chia Pet is better than this.
• Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you.
• Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift.
• No name perfume that costs $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the toilet.
• Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Men, if you are not gay or a transvestite, you do not have good enough taste to buy a woman clothing she had not specifically selected in advance.
• Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network.
• Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat" in Husband School. If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
• Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law

Here are some lines that might come in handy when someone hands you that “Special Gift”
• It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
• Well, well, well...
• I really don't deserve this.
• I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
• If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
• To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
• Gosh, you shouldn’t have. Really.

Companies used to give things called “Christmas Parties.” In these troubled economic times most businesses are no longer holding them because the expense of these events is starting to cut into the bonuses of senior executives. But if you do go, try not to overindulge.

Here are some helpful tips to let you know you have taken too much Holiday Cheer.

You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

Finally, sometimes Christmas Stress can effect everyone.

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and they were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
Just then there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

Cold Gray Rainy JOW #488

This part of Texas may not get a lot of really cold weather but it still gets nasty this time of year. Rain and low gray clouds can linger for days. I spent Christmas Week, 1991 cooped up with five children aged 12-7; I do not think we were able to go outside for more than 30 minutes for six days. Actually I have fond memories of that Christmas. However, I have not seen the sun in a week now and I am getting pretty darn tired of cold gray days. Since the weather is on my mind, I thought I would feature our climate in the JOW. Enjoy.

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
=====================================
The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!

• Rumor has it that they are going to rename the Miami baseball team the "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
• Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
• What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
• How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
• It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
• There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
• A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Two tourist arrive in London’s Heathrow Airport in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other replies, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."

From the Rocky Mountain News, "BEST EXPERIMENT":
"If you are caught without an umbrella when it starts to rain, will you stay drier by running to shelter instead of walking?
Thomas Peterson and Trevor Wallis, of Asheville, N.C., both climatologists, calculated that running made one 44% drier over 100 meters (about 328 feet).
To test their findings, they measured off a 100-meter course and waited for it to rain. They wore identical dry clothing that had been weighed before the test (they wear the same size) and wore plastic bags under their clothes to trap any water that might seep through. Peterson walked the course, while Wallis ran. Afterward, they weighed the clothes again. The result: Wallis' clothes were 40% drier.
Frankly, we'd take a cab."

And finally, here is a repeat from a few years back:
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?
"To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

And all the felicitations of the season!

Big Fat JOW #487

I am back from my vacation up in the not so snowy mountains. There was more snow in Houston (!) than in Tahoe during my absence. The scenery was spectacular but visiting old friends was the real fun of it all.
Alas, in one short week I managed to gain five pounds. I shouldn’t let things like that bother me. After all, “a waist is a terrible thing to mind”. It’s just that my mother -in-law has come to visit. Now make no mistake, I like Helen fine, but she likes to cook and I like what she prepares. Last time she visited I gained almost 15 pounds. I am doomed; doomed I tell you. I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me. I would be fine if complaining about gaining weight actually burned off calories.
With all that in mind I thought I would have some thoughts and jokes on diets and size. As they say: diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
• A diet is a weigh of life.
• It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
• The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
• The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
• Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
• The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
• A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
• Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.
• The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.
• Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... while alone.
• A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
• One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.
• Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, "the pause that refleshes."

It all started a long time ago. It is written:
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And Satan brought forth a chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
=================

Writing of HMO’s, I just got the word on these new drugs under development by female chemists.
• DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
• PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
• CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug were more willing to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
• COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
• BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts.
• NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
• FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
• PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
• LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Politician Strength versions.

And for a final off-beat offering here is a Boudreaux joke:

Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling. The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.
The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he figured there were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight.
He knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.
He was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck won!

Snowed In JOW

Ruth and I are taking advantage of a kind offer to stay with friends and relations (actually they are both) in Lake Tahoe for the rest of the week. I am very much looking forward to the trip. I may even get a chance to try skiing again. It has been a while so I did few simple warm-ups to make sure I was prepared for the slopes:

• I went to the grocery store and paid $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, I burned two $20 dollar bills to warm up.
• I soaked my gloves and stored them in the freezer after every use.
• I begin wearing my glasses with glue smeared on the lenses.
• I threw away a hundred dollar bill every day.
• I put small angular pebbles in my shoes, lined them with crushed ice, and then tightened a C-clamp around my toes.
• I bought a new pair of gloves and immediately threw one away.
• I went to McDonald's and insisted on paying $9.50 for a hamburger. I also made sure I was in the longest line.
• I filled a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast my face.
• I put on as many clothes as I could and then proceed to take them off to practice going to the bathroom.
• I tied a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climbed a few flights of stairs.
• I sat on the outside of my second-story window ledge with my skis on and poles in my lap for 30 minutes.
• I tied my feet together at the ankles, lay down flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, and practiced getting to my feet.

I also looked up a few terms and definitions to refresh my memory. Here they are:
Skier
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Alp
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on.
Bones
There are 206 in the human body. Two of those bones (the ones in the middle ear) have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Ski!
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

The resort is walking distance from a casino. So a couple of gambling jokes are called for:
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher replies "Yes".
So the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says "I'm not betting on that."
" But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.
" Yes I am" says the butcher," but the steaks are too high."

=======================
A betting man had a dream in which he saw a huge glowing number "5" made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. That day in the racing form he saw that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element. This had to be more than a coincidence. He decided to stack the deck even more:
- He ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
- He went for a five mile jog
- He took a five minute shower
- He sat in his car for five minutes before starting it up
- He drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row
- He entered through the fifth admissions gate
- He went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
- He went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of him
The horse came in fifth.

Thanksgiving JOW

The holidays have started especially early this year. The stores seem almost desperate to get us to spend our money for stuff that is often unwanted and seldom needed. There is an almost pleading aspect to the advertisements and sales. It is as though they think we can actually spend our way out of the current economic mess we are in.
Even so there is much to be thankful for. It is common and ancient tradition that after the harvest a feast is shared in celebration at the bounty that will sustain us through the winter. Of course, these days it is not just about the food, it is about friends and family. Even so, the food is a good thing─ no a great thing. Though I try to restrain my appetites, Thanksgiving is one day when I intend to overindulge. I am going to eat until I am sweatin' gravy. I expect to be responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"
====================

A friend of mine who was a state trooper once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state troopers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
====================

Traditions are good, but sometimes the original meaning is lost.

A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.
Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."
================

Young Bubba was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing, Gramma?" Bubba asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bubba said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
===============

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Possible new Thanksgiving-themed movies
• My Best Friend's Dressing

• The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

• Casserolablanca

• The Fabulous Baster Boys

• Silence of the Yams

• For Love of The Game Hen

• White Meat Can't Jump

• When Harry Met Salad

• The Wing and I
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A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Do you have you any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, brings out the same turkey again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the scale. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman looking right at the butcher.
"I'll have both of them please."

============================
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who had the reputation of being an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called out,
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
=======================
And finally, a personal message from Ruth:
An affirmation for Thanksgiving:

Floating on a stream of unconditional thankfulness, I claim the stamina and tenacity of a hummingbird.
I know what I know, and I follow my divine intuitive urges with ever-flowing energy and unbounded excitement!

Semi Retired JOW

I have come to the realization that I am semi-retired. This does not mean I have replaced the tires on my big truck. I just sort of work now and again─ well most of us do that, the difference is that I now only get paid now and again. I am staying busy though. I have decided that retirement is when you leave a life of work to start work on living. In one sense it is like being in college, only with more money and less hair.
Now that I am older I find that:

I 'm still the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I smile all the time because I can't hear a thing anyone is saying.
I have had compliments on my alligator shoes and I am barefoot.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I have trouble remembering simple words like.......
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

Some Wise old quotes:
•Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
•I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
•We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
•Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
•Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
•The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
•By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal
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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

=====================================
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!”
He stopped and continued, “I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'Roooaarrrrr!'"
===================================================
Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse. “He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in an unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he stooped to only five foot one, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora – don’t be too direct -ease into it.” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue coloured finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.

”I’ll deliver the message.”

Veteran JOW

This being Veterans Day, I have a military theme for my JOW. I spent 24 years I the Navy, so I guess I am qualified to do a veteran-themed set of jokes. I must admit that I am a bit embarrassed about all the thanks that have been offered to me for my service. After all, I seem to remember getting paid for what I did. I must also admit, I joined the Navy in part because they let me go to exciting places, and drive big ships and blow stuff up; all at taxpayer expense. That said, it was a necessary job. I found this quote from an unlikely source and thought it applied rather well for Veteran’s Day.
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand watch in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm.” George Orwell
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Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
===================
There are real differences in how the four services view the world. For example, if you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The Marine Corps would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

When the services start up a base from scratch, they all have different priorities.
The first thing Navy would put up a bulletin board so they can post watch bills.
The Marine Corps would build a barber shop first.
The Air Force would build a huge elaborate set of Officers and Enlisted Clubs right from the start.
The Army would initially erect a little hooch so they could hold awards boards to give each other medals.

I believe these differences are due in part to the very structure of the names of the various branches of the armed services.
For example the term “Marine” is from the Latin root “Mar” meaning “Sea”
And the term Navy traces its roots to the Greek “Navious” meaning “handsome” or "physically attractive”.
And Army is from the Latin “Armeus” which means to “bungle” or “screw up”
Of course the ancients were far too wise to allow the formation of an independent Air Force.

Marines have the right attitude for the military. Here are some actual USMC bumper stickers.
“When We Do our Job People Shoot at Us”
“When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine”
“Napalm is Okay by Me”

And here are the rules of the various services, (provided to me by a USMC Gunnery Sergeant)
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ¬
6. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
7. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
8. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
9. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
10. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
11. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
==================
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
=============
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
==============
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
5. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
6. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
7. Declare your assets to be "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
8. Always leave early enough to make your tee-time.

============
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

I like the Navy rules. They are clear, to the point, and way simpler than the Marine rules.

Male Man JOW

This week I have chosen to pick on my own gender. That is pick on not scratch. I have some observations on males in general, and male athletes in particular. Nothing personal, guys.

-------------------------------------------
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine? '
'It depends, ' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ‘LSU! '
And they say blonds are dumb....
-------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals '
-------------------------------------------
Bil provided me with this little known baseball fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Of course Robin Williams said it best─ we enough blood to either use our brain or penis but not both at the same time.

My sister sent me these pearls of male athletic wisdom:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all those kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Okay, so there is a bit of self depreciation there…
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He replied, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford ─ “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

Finally, here are some hints to help you ladies understand men:

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of bonding.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . (though it might be possible for an engineer to get by with holding a calculator).
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
If you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Happy JOW to You

This week has ‘birthdays’ as a theme. One nice thing about getting older is that you seem to be less poor. When I was younger I was so poor the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older. Now that I am older it seems like I have everything I want, except of course, to be young again. But birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays generally live the longest.

Here are some observations and a couple jokes.

As you get older things change. You know you are getting older when:
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your best friend is dating someone half his age…and he isn’t breaking any laws.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with “Dr.”
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Everything either hurts or doesn't work.
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• The gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
• When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

Factoid: If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (statistically speaking).
========================================

"What would you most like for your birthday?" a husband inquired of his wife.
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

=======================================
A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or look up.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

For Better or Worse JOW

There is a wedding in our neighborhood this week so the whole topic of marriage is on my mind. Like the battle of the sexes, I have lots of material to draw from. First, a joke, then some observations.
===============
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears; there were only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."

A poetic thought on marriage:
If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back its yours,
if it doesn't it never was...
...but if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV,
unaware that it's been set free,
you probably married it...

Seven Ages of the Married Cold
• 1st year -- "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
• 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
===========================

Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
Bennett said, "I sent them paper plates as my wedding gift."
=======================
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
========================
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.

And some final thoughts on the institution:
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married that's their own fault.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

It is that magical time of year for men─ last night I could watch baseball, football, AND basketball, all at the same time. Adding to the excitement, a major Seniors Golf Tournament is being held here in the Woodlands this week. Famous over-50 golfers will be playing in the course in our neighborhood. Senior Tournaments are different than the ones with younger players:
• The biggest noises on the course are their bones creaking
• They use a cart just to get to the car
• They have three walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.

I have a complicated relationship with golf. It's a hard game to figure. One day I would go out and slice the ball and shank it, hit into all the water hazards and miss every green. Then, the next day I would go out and for no reason at all really stink. I think golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The man that invented "golf" and said that it was "fun" is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes" and said it was "music."
================================
An American golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland sliced his opening drive out of bounds. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that hitting another ball like that is called a Mulligan." He asks if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a three."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five."

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

I have been harsh about golf, but there are some good things about golf compared to other sports:
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike baseball, players don’t scratch their crotch before each swing.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each swing.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to wear hearing protection
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike hockey, the players have all their teeth
and best of all─
Unlike wrestling, the spectators have all their teeth.

Timely JOW

We took a little working vacation last weekend to Natchez for a booksigning. It was such a wonderful trip it seemed like we were gone for a week, yet we were home by Saturday night. I will finish up my little write up complete with photos and make it available for those you are interested.
It seems as I get older there is never enough time. That is my theme for this JOW, time.

Remember, if you are careful and abstemious you can add up to six additional months to the end of your life which you will probably spend in some assisted care facility at $7,000 month.

The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... six-ish or seven-ish...."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!

A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

A psychologist asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind. The main thing is that we talked about it."

A man named his three dogs Rolex, Timex, and Omega. When questioned as to the source of those names, the owner replies. “Well, they are watch dogs.”

Finally from Mary Ellen:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pries. After the priest left he turned to the beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?

Differences JOW

One recurring theme that I keep coming back to in my JOW is the eternal battle of the sexes. Men and women view the world very differently. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. Either men are more confident then women or more delusional. Most people think that 1) men are simple & women are complicated or perhaps 2) women think too much & men don’t think at all (the insensitive pigs!) Sigmund Freud claimed he was able to figure out the entire human psyche by talking with 54 neurotic Viennese housewives. That is confidence; however, even he admitted he “did not know what women want.” Women shake their heads at this; it’s easy. Except that what they want is different for every women and changes all the time. Thus men remain confused. Women tell me the reason for this confusion is very simple: men are stupid insensitive pigs.
At any rate, I have here some observations and questions about the differences between men and women. Please, if any of you understand this subject better than I do, please enlighten me.

Why is it that a man who regularly visits his mother is a mummy’s boy but a woman who does the same is a good daughter?
Or a man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.
And why does the exact same haircut cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

Of course, male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight, get hot flashes, and become crazy(ier). Male menopause - you get motorcycles.
The list of differences goes on and on and covers a whole gamut of topics.
• Sex: Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men consider driving to her place as foreplay.
• Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
• Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and wait it out, deeply embarrassed for the men.
• Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen in the light of day.
• Leg warmers: Leg warmers on women are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".
• Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men secretly kick cats.
• Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's about it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
• The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

There are other differences between men and women. For example:

Men
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Women
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

Finally, a joke, submitted by Bil,
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Traveling JOW

First, Dr. Ruth’s new antiflu product is now available. She did an online ad for it which is posted at http://noxoantiflu.com/ I think she looks very fetching. Check it out.

By the way, if you ever have trouble getting the Joke of the Week, you can always catch me online at http://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com/
Travel has been on my mind lately, so when Linda suggested I try a travel-based JOW I leapt at the chance. Here are some observations about travel by land, air, and sea.


"Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country, from coast to coast, without seeing anything." -Charles Kuralt
==================================
Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando─ “When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.” “If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

=============================
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

==========================

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitchhiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to LA.
“For God’s sake!” he screamed, “Someone could have attacked you and raped you!”
“I wasn’t ever in no danger at all”, she said, trying to calm him down. “As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to LA because that’s where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.”

==============================
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.
Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.
The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol".
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess and said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

==============================
Some day I intend to go on a cruise. Okay, I have cruised many, many thousand miles at sea; I mean a cruise on a ship that doesn’t have a big gun on the bow. Not that I need the calories; the daily value of consumed food on a typical cruise liner exceeds the gross national product of Peru. You arrive looking like Oscar de la Hoya and leave looking like Oscar Mayer. At any rate, here are some cruise ship jokes.

Silly Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
Do these steps go up or down?
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Does the ship make its own electricity?
What elevation are we at?
There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

Signs you are on a Senior Cruise
- You’re surrounded by more wrinkled faces than a Shar-Pei convention
- Passenger abuse of hairspray has led to a new hole in the ozone layer, located directly above the cruise ship
- Shuffleboard is considered an athletic event
- The olives in your martini have been replaced with Geritol capsules. And your martini has been replaced with prune juice.
- The nightly entertainment begins with the Early Bird Special at 4:00 PM.

Signs you have chosen the wrong cruise line
- Your cruise director used to be a guard at Leavenworth Prison.
- Your chief purser is an old mafia leg-breaker who settles accounts by any means necessary.
- On that note, your cabin stewards are running a protection racket.
- Your cruise line's executive chef is your old lunch lady from junior high.
- "Fielding's Worldwide Cruises" gave the ship you're on a "Four Iceberg" rating.
- You take a tour of the bridge only to find the captain setting course to play "chicken" with another cruise liner.
- Your ship was featured in a recent production known as "The Lust Boat".
- The DJ in the disco only plays "The Macarena.”
- Instead of chocolate on your pillow, you get a piece of Clove chewing gum.
- When the deckhands run out of paint thinner, they use the ship’s coffee
- The towel animals have fur on them.

Happy 5770 JOW

Well, here it is 5770 already; Rosh Hashanah will be celebrated on September 18 this year. In recognition of this minor Jewish holiday, my JOW will be on Jewish humor; there is a huge body to choose from. These are mostly of the Jewish American flavor. That means not too many esoteric references. I do have some classic Jewish Mother jokes, Chinese food references, and a couple based on Bar Mitzvahs. Good stuff. Enjoy─


One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he finally gets there he can't find any parking places. He looks and looks, but he just doesn't find one. Finally he prays to God and says. "Elohim, if you find me a parking spot I will go to the temple every Saturday morning and I will never lie again." Two minutes later he finds one and says, "Never mind I found one!"


An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


A Jewish man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 18 days four hours."
The son then asked, "Why you haven't eaten in 18 days four hours!?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."


"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"


So one guy starts telling a joke to his friend: "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."


A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?


Two wasps buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks wasp number one. "Not too good," says wasp two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first wasp has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on; there will be plenty of flowers and fruit."
Wasp number two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-wasp.
"Great!" says buddy-wasp.
The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to see that I was a wasp."

Patience of Job Interview

“Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.”- Horace. I am still waiting for some useful talents to show up because prosperity is certainly been dormant lately. I did have a good match at the State Pistol Championships this weekend; I competed to the best of my ability. I was in the largest division- the Sharpshooters Classification, shooting standard 9 mm pistols. There were 30 competitors in my Division. Unfortunately one of them was REALLY good. He beat me by a comfortable margin. “Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.”- Roger C. Anderson I finished second; however I did well enough to get bumped up in my classification from Sharpshooter to Expert. This does not trouble me; I scored better than all the Expert shooters except one and he got bumped into the Masters level.
Between my search for gainful employment and Labor Day, I thought I would share some job search jokes, specifically some comments by job applicants.

A man posted a sign in his shop window: ‘Help wanted. Must know Work, Excel, and be Bi-Lingual.”
A dog comes by and examines the sign. He comes inside, takes the sign in his mouth, takes it to the owner and puts it on his desk.
“Woof.”
The owner is amused. “So you want the job do you?”
“Woof.”
“Well, you have to know Word.”
The dog immediately goes to a terminal and using his paws begins to type away.
The owner is amazed. “Well,” he finally said, “You gotta do Excel, too.”
“Woof,” and the dog brings up a spreadsheet and starts doing data entry.
“I can’t hire a dog,” protested the astonished owner.
“Woof?”
“Because the job requires you to be bi-lingual,” he explained pointing at the sign.
The dog looks at the man, grins and says, “Meow.”

==============================

If you apply for a job at IKEA do they tell you to “Make a chair and take a seat?”

Here is bizarre behavior reported about people interviewing for a job; I believe most of them.
• Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Brought her large dog to the interview.
• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
• Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
• Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
• Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
• Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
• Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
• Asked why she was interested in changing jobs, the woman replied "I really like to shop. And the shopping in midtown is much better than the shopping on Long Island.
• One fellow listed his mother as a reference. They called her. She said, "I wouldn't hire him; he's not very dependable."

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)
• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
• "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

School Daze JOW

It is September and school has started. The beginning of school is way more important than this weekend’s Texas State Pistol Championship. Not only that, mentioning said championship would probably jinx me from a possible trophy. And there are way more jokes about school then shooting.
So that is why my JOW this week has a definite scholarly bent.

A child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he fearfully approached his teacher and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

Things have changed since I was in school.

Forty years ago: Miss Lichtig received an apple from an anonymous student and showed it to her fellow teachers.
Today: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.

Forty years ago: Ed Navis, the class clown, was caught reading Playboy.
Today: Ms. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.

Forty years ago: Nurse Dweezel treated the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
Today: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.

Forty years ago: students found mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
Today: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.

Forty years ago: classes began with "Show and Tell.
Today: classes begins with “Stop and Frisk.”

Some of you are aware my third book is almost done. I can hardly wait so I can resume work on my third book. That means I have to start thinking about writing again. Here are some rejected analogies.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• He caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

And in conclusion, an English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery

The prize-winner wrote:

"My God," said the Queen,
"I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"

Fishy JOW

First, I got a lot of feedback on my banjo JOW. Apparently there are lots of banjo fans out there. Are there any fans of the accordion out there? I am always looking for themes for my weekly effort. After almost 10 years I can use all the help I can get. I did get a suggestion to use fish as a JOW topic. Fish are not especially amusing; however, I do have a few along with some old lines from Cheers.


Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
“We don't have any." replied the first blond.
"Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blond, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blonds started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blond said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

Some third grade fish riddles:

Q. Where do fish keep their money?
A. In the river bank

Q. What kind of money do fish make?
A. Net profits

Q. What country do fish want to live in?
A. Finland

Q. What fish is most valuable?
A. Goldfish

Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money ?
A. To the prawn broker !

Q. How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ?
A. He prawned everything !

Q. Why are fish so smart?
A. They are always in schools

Q. Which fish go to heaven when they die?
A. Angelfish

Q. How do fish go into business?
A. They start on a small scale

Q. What kind of money do fishermen make?
A. Net profits

Fish one liners
Do fish have wet dreams?
What do you call a fish with no eyes? …Fsh
A fish swam into a wall and said, “Dam!”
What bit of fish doesn’t make sense?,..The piece of cod that passeth all understanding



The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking, Fishing and Brain Development:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making It possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and excessive fishing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer and fish more, it will make you smarter.


Finally, some non-fish humor. Cheers had some great lines. Norm had many of them when he entered the bar. Here are a few:

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out
of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with it's wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

Strumming on the old Banjo JOW

I had the great pleasure to listen to my friend and neighbor play the banjo in a really first rate Bluegrass band. For some reason the banjo, like the accordion, gets no respect in the world of musical instruments. Note that I did not include bagpipes because we are discussing ‘musical instruments’ here. I guess practitioners of the banjo get no respect because, well, just look at one. The banjo, not the player; well, okay, both of them. So this is a tightly focused “strumming on the old banjo” JOW: all banjo jokes.

A musician had an operation on his hand. He asked the doctor if, after surgery, he would be able to play the banjo.
The doctor replied "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.

How do you get a banjo player away from your door?
Pay him for the pizza.

What is the difference between a frog and a banjo player?
The frog is on his way to a gig.

Where is the best place for a banjo player to play?
In traffic.

How many strings does a banjo have?
Five too many…

What's difference between a banjo and a fish?
You can tuna fish...

What is the best thing to tune a banjo with?
Wire cutters

Q. If a banjo player and a guitar player both fall at the same time from a balcony in the top of a skyscraper which one would hit the ground first?
A. The guitar player - the banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down.

Saint Peter is interviewing newly arrived musicians at the Pearly Gates. He asked the first musician, "So, what did you do?"
"I was first violin with the London Philharmonic," stated the first musician.
"Fine, you may enter," said Saint Peter. He then asked the second guy, "What did you do?"
"I was a school band leader," said the second guy.
"Great, you may also enter," replied Saint Peter.
Finally, Saint Peter asked the third guy, "So, what did you do with your life?"
"Well," replied the third guy, "I really wasn't a great musician--I played banjo in a bluegrass band.”
"Oh," replied Saint Peter, "Oh, all right, you can come in but go around to the back door, okay?"

A man decides to take a vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, untouched Pacific island where the native culture is still intact. He has great expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really needs the time off.
As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the sound of drums. "How quaint," he thinks, "the natives are engaging in an ancient ritual with drums." He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time, the drums are going. Well, after a few hours, he begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. Thinking it is a significant native ritual, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation. But, after another two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So, he asks a local, "When are the drums going to stop?"
The native just looks at him. So, he asks, "Why are the drums going on so long?" This native begins shaking his head. “Drums must keep playing,” he replies and departs hastily.
After another two days, the man has had it with drums. He grabs the first native he sees by the neck & demands that he make the drums stop.
The native replies "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums."
The man asks him why.
Slowly, the native answers…"Because when the drums are over, the banjo solo starts!"

Okay, this next one is a cultural joke. You have to know the old song before you get it.

An old banjo was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "strumin’ in the kitchen with Dinah…"

And for more banjo mania, check out this story concerning a recent outbreak in hootenannies in the Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/banjo_player_sought_in_hootenanny

Golf JOW

Lots of people like golf. I do not understand this as golf is a frustrating, expensive and time-consuming waste of time. Maybe if I played it a bit better I wouldn’t hate it so. However, it does offer more than the usual level of humor. Try looking up jokes about football, for example. Football fan jokes, yes, there are plenty, but not much about playing that game.
My jokes this week are all about the old game, one of the oldest pastimes known. Since the idea of enjoying golf is somewhat alien to me know, I will start with an alien/golf joke.

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. First the golfer duffed his tee shot, then he shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
The aliens decided that he must be doing some sort of weird ritual as they continued to observe the poor fellow.
The golfer skulled his next shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble, he’ll never get it out of that hole!"

Cousin Bil offered up these touching quotes on the subject of golf. He says they are old, but I have never heard of most of them.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is – he who as the fastest cart never has to play a bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one
played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the
best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls when I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
--------------------------------

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.
"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck that was racing to a fire smashed into the pileup!"
The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
"Well, I think I'll try opening my stance a little."


In 1923, do you know who was:
* President of the largest steel company?
* President of the largest gas company?
* The greatest wheat speculator?
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?
* The Great Bear of Wall Street?
* President of the New York Stock Exchange?
* The winner of the US Open Golf Tournament?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men?
* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane.
* Arthur Cooger, the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home
* Gene Sarazen, on the other hand, played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was financially solvent at his death.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!