I delayed my JOW about dogs for a week and even though I have a hurricane to joke about I will hold that one until next week. Hey, I am usually a little behind. As Calvin put it ‘God put me on this world to accomplish certain things. I am now so far behind I will never die.’
Anyway in honor of the dogs days of summer here are some dog-related jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man saw a sign by the side of the road in a back road in deep East Texas that read ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’ His curiosity piqued, the man parked and then walked up to a ratty old trailer where an old man sat in a folding chair in the shade.
“I see you are selling a talking dog. Mind if I talk to him?”
The old man looked up at the traveler and hollered “Bo, get over here,” at an old hound under a nearby tree. The dog slowly got up, ambled over and sat down next the old man.
“Hello,” said the man to the dog feeling a little foolish.
“Good day,” replied the dog to the astonished traveler.
“How is it that you can talk?” stammered the astonished human.
“Well, it’s kind of a long story. I was part of a secret CIA project. There were several of us in the program. They used drugs and intensive training to teach us how to understand and speak English. At first they tried using us for espionage. I went all over the world doing secret work for the government. I won all sorts of medals. After a while they tried using us with the DEA in the war on drugs. I was part of some big busts, but they could not use my testimony in trials, we were still top secret. Eventually I was awarded a special medal from the President himself, again, all very hush hush. The pace finally got to be too much for me and I decided to retire down here with my former handler. He hasn’t done so well in the Great Recession and I guess he has decided to let me go.”
With that the dog walked slowly back and laid back down in the shade of the tree again.
“How much to you want for that dog,” the stunned traveler asked the old man.
“I’ll take $20 for him.”
“Twenty dollars for a hero dog like that?”
The old man lowered his head and spoke softly to the traveler. “Listen mister, I got to tell you the truth. That dog is a big liar; he never did any of those things he told you.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The housing market is becoming tight. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place; family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs."
Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months, except for one problem: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog on the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidents. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog - dead rabbit in mouth.
Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction (and possible jail time) he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck.
"We're moving" replied the man. "People in this apartment complex are sick.”
"Why? What happened?" replied Chuck.
The neighbor replied: "Some twisted bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."
----------------------------------
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.”
+++++++++++++++++++++
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Some dog riddles -
Q: What's expected if the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
A: The wrong answer.
*******************
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx cleared his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said,
"It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,"
I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief.
"What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a Chihuahua."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A service dog joke
A man goes into a bar with his Labrador. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says
"This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man," the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies
"What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another riddle -
Q. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A. About four or five beers.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
That Said It JOW
Normally I have a dog-related theme for the dog days of summer when Sirius, the Dog Star was believed to be closest to the earth, thus causing the hottest part of the year. However Tor suggested I use some quotes for the basis of my JOW. Since he is a Pinney and thus not only good looking but highly intelligent (and of course very modest) I decided to follow his advice.
One problem with quotations is that attribution can be a tricky problem, especially since the development of the Internet, as illustrated by this quotation:
• “The Internet now allows knaves to effortlessly promulgate exaggerations, propaganda, and outright lies to a much wider audience of credulous fools.” ~Benjamin Franklin
So here are some quotations for your amusement.
• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ~Robert Frost
• It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. ~Steven Weinberg
• I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~ Thomas Alva Edison
• If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith
Mark Twain had many quotable comments. Most are powerfully cynical
• Truth is the most powerful thing we have – thus we must economize it.
• One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
• What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
And speaking of women, here are a few other quotes
• Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. ~ Robert A. Heinlein
• Sometimes I think the very survival of our species has resulted from the poor decisions of women ~ Thos. Pinney
• Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. ~ Carl Friedrich Gauss while working, when informed that his wife is dying
Of course the most prolific source of quotes is a toss-up between Mr. Unknown and Mr. Anonymous
• Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
• God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.
• Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
• Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
• Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.
Comedians are another rich source of quotes since most of their jokes are only a line or two, but these three stick in my mind because there are both true and funny.
• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. ~ George Carlin
• All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner
• After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke
Ashleigh Brilliant is a British cartoonist and author who is a rich source of great quotes these days. Here is a brief sample.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
• I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
• Some of the worst things I have done have probably been forgotten by everyone except me.
• We must have courage, faith… and lunch together sometime soon.
• I have abandoned my search for truth and am now looking for a good fantasy.
• Some battles can only be won by never letting them happen.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right
• It's human to make mistakes and some of us are more human than others.
• It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
And finally another Ashleigh quote which applies to all the readers of the Joke of the Week
• What good is a superior mind without other superior minds to communicate with?
Monday, August 13, 2012
Shaggy Dog JOW
I do enjoy puns. One of the forms of jokes are the ‘so-called’ shaggy dog puns that go on and on with a terrible pun at the end. The problem is that they are best if told, not read. Also there is a significant element of cultural context. For example if you do not know the song “Chattanooga Choo-choo” how can you understand a punch line like “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?” So I am limited in my choices. Let me start with a short, simple one just to put you in the mood for the others.
…………………………..
What do you call an alligator who is wearing a vest?
An investigator
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There once was a man who decided he had to visit Australia once in his life. He read up on everything he could find, visited all the Australian web sites on the Internet and saved his money so he could make this once in a lifetime vacation.
The day finally came when it all came together and he was ready to leave. He boarded the plane and some hours later stepped off the plane at Sidney International. Australia at last!
Unfortunately, on his first day sightseeing, he began to get a bad headache. Thinking it was probably just jet lag he took two aspirin and continued his tour. The headache didn't go away, however, so he asked the tour guide where the best place to go for treatment was.
"Sir, you'll want to go to the emergency room at the Mercy Hospital", the guide told him, "It’s not far from here."
At the hospital, the doctor suggested he stay there overnight for observation and he agreed. He was assigned a room and a nun who was a nurse came in to see him. When he told her about his headache, she asked him if he had tried their Koala tea. "Its made from the fur of the Koala bear and has great healing properties", she said.
He said he was willing to try anything at that point and asked that she bring him a cup.
Presently, the nun came back in with a cup of liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a mass of hair in the bottom. Feeling rather nauseous, he said he didn't believe he could drink the tea with all that hair in the cup.
"Couldn't you strain it out or something", he asked.
The nun was indignant. "Sir, I'll have you know the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"
--------------------------------
A doctor was just starting out on his own, when he found that he just had too much work to do. Now this man was brilliant, and had particularly good people skills. Once he got a patient, they would just not see anyone else.
It seems that this man had been reading recently about the advances in cloning, and decided to have a clone made of himself to do his work.
For years it worked perfectly. His clone took care of all his patients, and he got to relax. However, the clone began to have some personality disorders. it would insult patients, and treat them very badly. It got so bad that business was suffering. The doctor decided that he just had to get rid of the clone or lose his business.
So one morning as they jogged together over a high bridge, the doctor pushed the clone over to his death.
The doctor again began seeing his old patients, and things were going exceptionally well, until a fisherman found the dead clone body in the river. When the police found that the real doctor was still, in fact, alive, and that this was a clone, they didn't know just what to charge the doctor for doing wrong.
After much deliberation, they decided to charge him for... Making an obscene clone fall.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So the Russians got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Russian scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Russian dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Russian Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Russian Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In California, and, indeed, many parts of the West – the whole country, actually, prevention of uncontrolled wildfire is critically important. So when we camp out in the Sierras, on the last night of a multi-day backpack, we occasionally get carried away and have a bigger fire than might be prudent.
The National Forests have some rules:
Prepare Your Site – Find a level spot away from overhanging branches, brush, or dry grass. Keep away from the base of a hill. Escaped fires travel uphill fast. With a shovel, clear a circle 10 feet wide down to bare dirt. Hollow out a fire pit 6 inches deep and 2 feet across at the center of the cleared circle. Pile the dirt around the fire pit. Keep your fire small. Use existing fire rings where available to reduce the number of disturbed areas and damage to soil cover and vegetation.
Beware of the Duff – Duff is the layer of decomposing wood material that lies on the forest floor between pine needles and bare dirt. Many times it may look like dirt, but it isn’t. Duff burns, dirt doesn’t. It allows even the smallest ember to smolder for days, most times underground and unnoticed, until enough heat is built up to produce flames. Don’t let the duff fool you.
Attend to Your Fire – Never leave your campfire unattended, even for a few minutes or if you take a nap.
Drown the Fire – Drown your campfire 1/2 hour before you break camp. Use your shovel to separate the burning pieces of wood in the fire pit.
Stir and Mix – Stir and mix water with the ashes until the fire is out. Don’t try to bury the fire under dirt, it can smolder for hours and then escape.
Drown Briquettes – Charcoal briquettes should be extinguished by dumping into a pail of water, mixing thoroughly, and then place into the fire pit.
Feel the Ashes – Feel the ashes to be sure the fire is out. Before you leave the campsite, check the area within 50 feet of the fire for sparks or embers that may have escaped.
We have only one issue with the above instructions: Those of us who depend on having functional fingers to make a living Feel the ashes with our bare feet.
“We foot out the pyre.”
=============================
Thursday night, eleven time Grand Slam champion Rafael Nadal lost to 100th ranked Lukas Rosol of the Czech Republic in the second round at Wimbledon. Some call it the biggest upset in tennis history, but I think they’re missing the real story.
I heard that before the final point of the match, Nadal cried out that he couldn’t believe he was losing to a Serb.
After scoring the winning point, Rosol yelled out, “That’s Czech, mate!”
This one is a little different -
A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Israelis?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn’t know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters.
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.
Then to the immediate right the second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Finally on the far right side the third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and active.
We put these posters were pasted all over the Tel Aviv.
“Terrific idea! That should have worked” said the friend.
“Yeah, but it failed,” responded the salesman. “No one told me they read from right to left!”
And finally a legal-type joke
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the cathouse and burned it to the ground! After the establishment was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about ‘The power of prayer’.
But then ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t!”
…………………………..
What do you call an alligator who is wearing a vest?
An investigator
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There once was a man who decided he had to visit Australia once in his life. He read up on everything he could find, visited all the Australian web sites on the Internet and saved his money so he could make this once in a lifetime vacation.
The day finally came when it all came together and he was ready to leave. He boarded the plane and some hours later stepped off the plane at Sidney International. Australia at last!
Unfortunately, on his first day sightseeing, he began to get a bad headache. Thinking it was probably just jet lag he took two aspirin and continued his tour. The headache didn't go away, however, so he asked the tour guide where the best place to go for treatment was.
"Sir, you'll want to go to the emergency room at the Mercy Hospital", the guide told him, "It’s not far from here."
At the hospital, the doctor suggested he stay there overnight for observation and he agreed. He was assigned a room and a nun who was a nurse came in to see him. When he told her about his headache, she asked him if he had tried their Koala tea. "Its made from the fur of the Koala bear and has great healing properties", she said.
He said he was willing to try anything at that point and asked that she bring him a cup.
Presently, the nun came back in with a cup of liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a mass of hair in the bottom. Feeling rather nauseous, he said he didn't believe he could drink the tea with all that hair in the cup.
"Couldn't you strain it out or something", he asked.
The nun was indignant. "Sir, I'll have you know the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"
--------------------------------
A doctor was just starting out on his own, when he found that he just had too much work to do. Now this man was brilliant, and had particularly good people skills. Once he got a patient, they would just not see anyone else.
It seems that this man had been reading recently about the advances in cloning, and decided to have a clone made of himself to do his work.
For years it worked perfectly. His clone took care of all his patients, and he got to relax. However, the clone began to have some personality disorders. it would insult patients, and treat them very badly. It got so bad that business was suffering. The doctor decided that he just had to get rid of the clone or lose his business.
So one morning as they jogged together over a high bridge, the doctor pushed the clone over to his death.
The doctor again began seeing his old patients, and things were going exceptionally well, until a fisherman found the dead clone body in the river. When the police found that the real doctor was still, in fact, alive, and that this was a clone, they didn't know just what to charge the doctor for doing wrong.
After much deliberation, they decided to charge him for... Making an obscene clone fall.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So the Russians got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Russian scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Russian dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Russian Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Russian Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In California, and, indeed, many parts of the West – the whole country, actually, prevention of uncontrolled wildfire is critically important. So when we camp out in the Sierras, on the last night of a multi-day backpack, we occasionally get carried away and have a bigger fire than might be prudent.
The National Forests have some rules:
Prepare Your Site – Find a level spot away from overhanging branches, brush, or dry grass. Keep away from the base of a hill. Escaped fires travel uphill fast. With a shovel, clear a circle 10 feet wide down to bare dirt. Hollow out a fire pit 6 inches deep and 2 feet across at the center of the cleared circle. Pile the dirt around the fire pit. Keep your fire small. Use existing fire rings where available to reduce the number of disturbed areas and damage to soil cover and vegetation.
Beware of the Duff – Duff is the layer of decomposing wood material that lies on the forest floor between pine needles and bare dirt. Many times it may look like dirt, but it isn’t. Duff burns, dirt doesn’t. It allows even the smallest ember to smolder for days, most times underground and unnoticed, until enough heat is built up to produce flames. Don’t let the duff fool you.
Attend to Your Fire – Never leave your campfire unattended, even for a few minutes or if you take a nap.
Drown the Fire – Drown your campfire 1/2 hour before you break camp. Use your shovel to separate the burning pieces of wood in the fire pit.
Stir and Mix – Stir and mix water with the ashes until the fire is out. Don’t try to bury the fire under dirt, it can smolder for hours and then escape.
Drown Briquettes – Charcoal briquettes should be extinguished by dumping into a pail of water, mixing thoroughly, and then place into the fire pit.
Feel the Ashes – Feel the ashes to be sure the fire is out. Before you leave the campsite, check the area within 50 feet of the fire for sparks or embers that may have escaped.
We have only one issue with the above instructions: Those of us who depend on having functional fingers to make a living Feel the ashes with our bare feet.
“We foot out the pyre.”
=============================
Thursday night, eleven time Grand Slam champion Rafael Nadal lost to 100th ranked Lukas Rosol of the Czech Republic in the second round at Wimbledon. Some call it the biggest upset in tennis history, but I think they’re missing the real story.
I heard that before the final point of the match, Nadal cried out that he couldn’t believe he was losing to a Serb.
After scoring the winning point, Rosol yelled out, “That’s Czech, mate!”
This one is a little different -
A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Israelis?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn’t know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters.
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.
Then to the immediate right the second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Finally on the far right side the third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and active.
We put these posters were pasted all over the Tel Aviv.
“Terrific idea! That should have worked” said the friend.
“Yeah, but it failed,” responded the salesman. “No one told me they read from right to left!”
And finally a legal-type joke
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the cathouse and burned it to the ground! After the establishment was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about ‘The power of prayer’.
But then ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t!”
Monday, August 6, 2012
Spicy JOW
Now that Ruth is off to college I can finally set up a room as a proper man cave. I have my work station all set up in there with shotguns and fishing rods in the corners, manly art on the wall, a big easy chair, a big screen TV - with a Wii set up on it - and miniature remote controlled helicopters.
Since this is from the Man Cave, the jokes this week are a bit more risqué than usual. Enjoy.
…………………..
Some time ago, there was an artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes. He had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God." he whispered loudly. "It's my wife! Quick - Take all of your clothes off!"
================================
A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the cheap high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," answered the mother, "you will have many."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One afternoon, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she quickly tried to stuff all of the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
……………………….
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"
The burglar froze, while the lady got to the phone and called 911 for the cops. When the cops arrived, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"
The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."
The cop turned to the burglar and asked, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"
The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And one more that I have heard is based on a true story:
Two lawyers (let’s call them Tom and Pat) decided to go skiing. They loaded up Tom’s car and headed to Colorado. As they near the ski resort they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Tom said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn to settle down for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Tom got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Pat and asked, "Pat, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado."
"Yes, I do." said Pat.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Tom.
"Well, uh, yeah," Pat said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Tom.
Pat's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
Tom replied, "No need to apologize, Pat. She died last month and left me everything!"
------------------------------
Since this is from the Man Cave, the jokes this week are a bit more risqué than usual. Enjoy.
…………………..
Some time ago, there was an artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes. He had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God." he whispered loudly. "It's my wife! Quick - Take all of your clothes off!"
================================
A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the cheap high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," answered the mother, "you will have many."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One afternoon, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she quickly tried to stuff all of the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
……………………….
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"
The burglar froze, while the lady got to the phone and called 911 for the cops. When the cops arrived, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"
The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."
The cop turned to the burglar and asked, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"
The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And one more that I have heard is based on a true story:
Two lawyers (let’s call them Tom and Pat) decided to go skiing. They loaded up Tom’s car and headed to Colorado. As they near the ski resort they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Tom said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn to settle down for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Tom got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Pat and asked, "Pat, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado."
"Yes, I do." said Pat.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Tom.
"Well, uh, yeah," Pat said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Tom.
Pat's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
Tom replied, "No need to apologize, Pat. She died last month and left me everything!"
------------------------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)