Twenty four years of JOW #1200

 This is JOW number 1200.  I average about 50 jokes a year so that is about twenty four years’ worth of humor.  I started a blog in 2008 and have kept all my posts since then at https://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com/.  Feel free to share.  Speaking of sharing, I always appreciate folks sending me fodder for the JOW.  Here is one based on last week’s Mathematical JOW: To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...Thanks for nothing.

Some random one liners.

Knowing your wife is wrong is one thing, but proving to her that she is wrong is just stupid.

 

I am as frustrated as the Tooth Fairly in a Meth house.

 

“Mom, you are spoiling the kids.”

Grandma, “No, honey they just sometimes smell that way.”

 

Neal Diamond’s name used to be Neal Coal but the pressure got to him.

 

I’m not fat but some days I feel like a busted can of biscuits

 

I didn’t plan on going for a run but damn, those cops came out of nowhere.

 

First I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, then the French horns.  It was an orchestrated attack.

 

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

 

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy,” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

 

I don’t know where you got your opinion but I hope you kept the receipt

 

Someone apparently kidnapped my imaginary friends, the voices in my head aren’t speaking to me anymore, and my dragon flew away.  I’m afraid I am going sane.

 

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

It sounds exactly like a high five.

 

Cats really own a house.  That is why ‘homeowner’ has ‘meow’ in it.

 

Life hack: replace kale with bacon.

 

Your secrets are safe with me because I really wasn’t listening.

 

I am still learning.  Apparently when you are asked what you want in a relationship, a good response is not ‘a way out’.

 

Old age doesn’t bother me.  It’s the side effects….

 

You know you are getting old when ‘friends with benefits’ means someone who can drive at night

Some light quotes:

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

 

“Ehhhh, probably good enough.”  Mediocrates

 

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

 

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

 

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

 

 “Each American embassy comes with two permanent features, a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas.”

 

"Cars, destroyed the American nuclear family, and as anyone who has had an American nuclear family can tell you, this was a relief to all concerned." 

 

I love Homer Simpson.  Here are some of his quotes

 “The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.”

 

 “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

 

"Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

 

"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

 

 “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

 

 “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

 

“If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

 

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”

 

“When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”

 

Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 % of all people know that.”

 

“Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”

 

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You’re making a scene’.”

 

“Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

 

 “Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”

 And finally

It’s a good idea to wear underwear, especially when out in public.  A couple went shopping only to have their car start to act up just as they parked in the shopping center. The husband told his wife to carry on shopping while he would try to fix the car.  When she returned she saw a small group clustered around their car.  She noticed a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the car. 

Unfortunately, although in shorts, his lack of underwear had made is private parts into very pubic ones.  Unable to stand the embarrassment she stepped forward and put her hand into his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

Upon regaining her feet she looked across the hood of the car and found herself looking at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AAA mechanic had to have three stiches in his forehead.

 

 

 

Mathematic JOW #1199

The subject of algebra came up last week.  I still remember with fondness my 9th grade teacher, Mrs. Perry, who taught me Algebra.  Is that called ‘nostalgebra’?  Anyone who could teach me algebra is a magically good teacher.   A mathemagician!

Thinking of math led my twisted mind to jokes so I have a bunch of math-themed jokes this week.  I know I have used some of them before, but they still amuse me and, I hope, you.

 

Question: How do you make seven an even number?
Answer: Just remove the “s.”

 

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.

 

I saw a math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

 

Have you heard the one about the statistician? Probably.

 

Are math books the saddest in the world because they have so many problems?

 

What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A basic math word problem.

 

Here’s another math word problem.

Walter is 63.  Tina is 22.  What kind of sports car will Walter give Tina?

 

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?  It's two gross.

 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: The answer is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.

 

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?  To get to the same side.

 

Why did seven eight nine? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals a day!

 

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?  Because you should never drink and derive.

 

A statistician drowned crossing a wide river because he calculated that it had an overall average depth of three feet deep. 

 

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomials.  (That is a terrible pun.)

 

Come on, all math puns aren't groaners… just sum of them!

 

 

What do you call a couple of ‘L’s? A parallel

 

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet!

 

What's an opinion without 3.14? It's just an onion.  (Subtract ‘pi’)

 

My perfect partner is the square root of -100: a perfect 10, but also imaginary!

 

What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral!

 

Why did the Romans think algebra was so easy? They knew X was always 10!

 

Here are some more advanced formulaic jokes

Write the expression for the volume of a thick crust pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

Explanation: The formula for volume is π·(radius)2·(height). In this case, pi·z·z·a.

 

What did π say to i? ‘Get real.’

What did i say to π? ‘Be rational.’

 

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?
Person 2: A log cabin.
Person 1: No, a houseboat; you forgot to add the C

 

Two mathematicians are in a bar.  The first one claims that the average person knows very little about mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
When first mathematician goes off to the washroom the second man calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed”.
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats say "one third x cubed".
She says, "one thir dex cuebd"?
Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd..."
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first man laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?"
The waitress says "Oh! One third X cubed.  Plus C, of course."

 

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were sitting on a bench, watching people enter and leave the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house.  A while later, they watch three people leave the house. The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced." Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

 

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at Starbucks.
The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
There was more laughter and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Just bring me my coffee."

 

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a root beer. The bartender brings him one in one of their special glasses.

"You idiot. You poured it into a square glass," the mathematician complained, "Now I just have beer."

And finally, one of my favorites told to me long ago by old friend, Andy.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid.

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”
The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.
“The only rule is that each step you take toward the bed can only be half the size of the previous step.”
The mathematician studies the situation for a moment, frowns, and then remarks, “Oh forget it! I know how this one ends. I’m going home.”
The Engineer also studies the situation, grins, and then goes half way toward the woman.
“Didn’t you hear me!” shouts the Mathematician. “It’s a mathematical certainty you’ll never reach her!  You can only go half way each time.”
“Perhaps you’re right,” he says. “But soon I’ll be close enough that for all practical purposes, it won’t matter!”

 

 

 

Poor Ole Tom #1198

Over ten years ago I determined that the work I was best suited for was retirement.  I have been retired for a long time, now and I think I am getting pretty good at it.  Here are a few thoughts on retirement:

Retirement doesn’t suck.

I do what I want, have enough money for my needs, and am pretty satisfied with my life.  But, as those of us who live long enough have found out, sooner or later your body begins to fall apart.  I used to feel like a million bucks.  Now I feel like a bounced check.  You can try to ‘age gracefully', but aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

Here are a few thoughts about getting old and being retired.

 

When you’re old, it’s not the police who tells you to slow down, it’s your doctor.

 

You know you are getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before.

 

I think I have the body of a teenager.  I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen.

 

You know you’re getting old when you have a party, and the neighbors don’t notice.

 

You know you’re old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you.

 

You’re too old to jog when you notice buzzards are following overhead.

 

Old folk’s pickup lines.

·         Do you have an oxygen tank?  Because you take my breath away.

·         Care to come by and see my medicine cabinet?

·         Do you play bingo?  Because I swear I’ve seen you B4.

·         Hey baby, wanna help me test out my new hip replacement?

·         That pretty smile of yours would look good in a glass on my nightstand.

·         Your heating pad or mine?

·         Come here often?  Because I am not sure where I am.

·         Baby I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up.

 

A Dr. Seuss-style take on getting old.

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh, my goodness, what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

I’m getting old, can you tell?

My body’s drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years

Have come at last

Those Golden Years can kiss my ass.

 

What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

 

Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

 

Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.

 

Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

>>>> 

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

 

As a tour guide I went to many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is damp there.

^^^^^

There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.
People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him things like "The Odd man out" wherever he went.
When he wrote out his will he stipulated that he didn’t want his name on the gravestone. He just wanted to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name - nothing.  That would put an end to the comments about his name.  After his death his wife respected his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but every time someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"

And finally:

An older man developed a nasty cough.  He never took it seriously; he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.  His wife became annoyed by his coughing and nagged him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife told him "If this damn coughin’ kills you I’m writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughed her off and said it’s a deal, if the coughin’ killed him she could do just that.
The next day the man was out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when there was an accident with a truck which was transporting coffins; a coffin flew off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and killing him outright.
Sure enough, his wife had them carve "I told you so" on his headstone, because in the end – a bet is a bet and it was that damn coffin that killed him.

 

 

 

Just a Stupid JOW #1179

 Jimmy Buffett has passed on. First we lost Tom Petty, then Jimmy.  Dang.  At least Willy Nelson is still hanging on.  Of course, there is always Keith Richards who is giving a new meaning to the term ‘Rock and Roll Immortal’.  All these passing’s make me uneasy.  I think I may be approaching my own ‘best if used by’ date.  However, my jokes this week are about stupidity.  Alas, we live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.  So here are some jokes about stupid people… then some just stupid jokes.

Quotes about stupid people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

–George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

 

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

 

“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
– Terry Pratchett

 

Life is hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.

-John Wayne

 

Wisdom doesn’t really come with age. A moron doesn’t become a wise man when he grows old; he becomes an old moron.

-Anna LeMind

 

A wise man never knows all, only fools know everything.

African proverb

 

One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not.

-Alexandre Dumas

 

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

-Mark Twain

 

Here are some stupid riddles.

 

What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?  Too close for comfort food!

 

What is blue and doesn’t weigh much? Light blue.

 

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

 

What did O say to Q? "Hey, put that thing back into your trousers."

 

How do you make a net? You sew a bunch of holes together.

 

What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.

 

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?  A roaming Catholic.

 

What is a foot long and slippery?  A slipper

 

What do you call a priest that becomes an attorney?  Father-in-Law.

 

What do you call a bear with no socks? Barefoot.

 

What do you call a snail aboard a ship? A snailor.

 

What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long? A yardvark.

 

What do you call an egg laid by an evil chicken? A deviled egg.

 

What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung factory?  The Guardians of the Galaxy.

 

What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? A sherbet.

 

What do you call a joke without a punchline? Silence.

 

What is something everyone has a right to do, but they’re a dick if they do it?  Change their name to Richard.

(To be frank, I'd have to change my name.)

 

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear. 

(And if I die choking on a gummy bear I hope they just say I was killed by bears.)

 

Some stupid observations

The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people.

 

Don’t fear artificial intelligence. Fear natural stupidity.

 

Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often.

 

Back in my day, we didn’t have as many “don’t try this at home” warning labels on things, because people weren’t so freaking stupid.

 

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without brains gives hope to many people.

 

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t robots. 

 

Okay, just stupid jokes.

I call my horse Mayo. Sometime Mayo neighs.

 

I used to be afraid of hurdles but then I got over it

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

 

Steak jokes are a rare medium well done.

 

The honeymoon salad.  Lettuce alone with no dressing.

 

I got an email about a program that could read maps backward.  I thought, ‘That’s just spam.’

 

I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, & 9.  The odds were against me.  I called on 2,4,6,& 8 to even things up

Manslaughter is just a mans laughing.

 

Of course, I can keep secrets, but the people I tell them to obviously can’t.

 

Morosoph – A learned fool or educated fool who lacks common sense and good judgement

 

Just once I want a username and password prompt to say, “CLOSE ENOUGH”. 

 

Of course, no list of stupid jokes would be complete without a couple of Homer Simpson quotes:

“I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.””

 

“My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.”  (Kinda sounds like our Vice President.)

 

Knock Knock jokes are inherently stupid.  So here are a few examples:

Knock, Knock! Who's there?

Dumbbell.

Dumbbell who?

Dumbbell doesn't work, so I had to knock!

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Figs!

Figs who?

Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

 

Knock, knock.

A little boy.

A little boy who?

A little boy who can’t reach the doorbell.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Owls say.

Owls say who?

Yes, they do.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cash.

Cash who?

No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts!

 

And in conclusion

 

My wife found out I was cheating on her
How did that happen?
She found all the letters I was hiding.
So what happened?

She got really mad and said she would never play scrabble with me again.