Tri Harder JOW #1179

Getting old requires medical procedures.  As an old Florida boy who spent a lot of time in the sun, my skin has suffered some damage over the years.  My dermatologist gave me some topical cream to remove all the cancerous and precancerous cells – it leaves the healthy cells alone and just goes from the bad ones.  Well, apparently I had a lot those cells on my face just waiting to turn on me.  I now look like –to use comic book analogies – a cross between Red Skull and Dead Pool (without the mask).  It was sort of like getting a really bad sunburn on my face.  It is not a pretty sight; I almost dropped my toothbrush when I saw my reflection in the mirror the other morning.

The related discomfort prevented me from watching the national Ironman triathlon competition which is held in The Woodlands.  Ironmen compete in a grueling distance competition which involves long distance swimming, biking, and running.  Why excel in one event when you can torture yourself with three?  People get obsessed with the event.  If a vegan triathlete walked into a party, I imagine he would be torn about what to tell people about first? The best I have ever done in an Ironman competition was finishing 23 shirts in half an hour. 

In the days before the event, people show up with bikes that double the price of their car when they put their bike on the bike rack.  If you are going to go to all that effort why skimp on the equipment?  Some triathletes claim to have carbon fiber shoelaces.  I have a few jokes and observations about triathlons before once again devolving into unrelated jokes before ending with some Marvelous ones.  Enjoy.

 

Iron man competition: First you swim, then you bike, then you run….out of money. 

 

Triathlons – because if it was easy it would be called golf.

 

Triathlons require strength, stamina, and a lack of good judgement.

 

A mere triathlon is not enough for some. They want to swim with bricks in their hands, do the ride on a unicycle, and run the marathon barefoot.

Of course they could do the race in a hurricane.  That way they could do the run and swim at the same time.

 

What would you get if you crossed a triathlete and the Invisible Man?  Swimming, biking, and running like no one has ever seen.

 

Where do triathletes go to get a new uniform top? New Jersey

 

Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swim faster in water.

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle.

 

Some guys tried to keep up with Chuck Norris’ workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii.  That’s how the Ironman was created.

 

~~~~~~

People at the gym ask me why I am sitting still on a stationary bike.  I tell them because I am going downhill.

 

There is a bike there that keeps running over me.  It is a vicious cycle.

 

The only thing the Flat Earth Society fears is sphere itself

 

Accordion to recent studies over 90% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning word of this sentence with an instrument.  You have my symphony

 

Did you know if you replace potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in life?

 

As I shifted my car into reverse, I thought, ‘this really takes me back.’

 

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

 

What’s the big deal about making plants taste like meat? Cows have been doing that for like forever.

 

Winter tip: Never make snow angels in a dog park.

 

I have been touting the benefits of dried grapes by raisin awareness

 

A went out to get a mussel from the beach before the hurricane came in.  It was the clam before the storm’

 

Be careful when digging for clams.  You might pull a mussel

 

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger wants to be helped.

 

Velociraptor = Distanceraptor over Timeraptor

 

They held a competition for snow plow names in Minnesota.  Here are some examples:

Yer a Blizzard Harry

Blizzo

Clearapathra

Better Call Salt

Sleetwood Mac

Taylor Drift

Sir Plows a Lot

And the ever popular

Plowie McPlowface

 

Notice to people who only type in lower case.

We are the difference between ‘helping your uncle Jack off a horse’ and helping your uncle jack off a horse.’

Thank you,

Capital Letters.

 

Some Marvelous jokes

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?"

Iron man stops bad guys. Aluminum man foils their plans.

 

What's it called when Iron Man makes a tire?

A ferrous-wheel

 

What is Iron Man when he removes his suit?

Stark naked.

 

Captain America, Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

 

Why did the Avengers trust Thor to cover their backs?

Because he is an Asgardian.

 

If Iron man and Silver surfer teamed up they would be Alloys.

 

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess.  They're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

 

Of course, the ‘real’ Iron Man is Ferrous Bueller.

And to wrap it up:

Two co-workers were talking.   

"If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

 

Good Buddy JOW #1178

 

Bud Light recently created a controversy with their recent ad campaign.  If you are not familiar with the brand, think of it as mildly alcoholic, beer-flavored water.  They had a very swishy trans activist promoting their beer.  This should have been relatively innocuous, Bud Light has been a favorite of the gay bar scene dating back to the Coors boycott days, but the oh-so-elitist marking VP behind the campaign went on a pod cast disparaging Bud light drinkers using phrases like ‘frat boys’.  Obviously she did not understand who actually consumes most of her beer.  Her efforts to market Bud Light have been likened to the disastrous New Coke ads a few decades back. Backlash to her attempts to market her product to a more ‘enlightened’ market segment has resulted in a plunge in Bud Light sales.  Add this advertising misstep to the fact that Bud Light really is bad ‘beer’ and you get some good fodder for jokes and memes.  Just to be clear, I have do not have a problem with the LG HDTV community; just this silly marketing ploy by a self-righteous, virtue-casting, advertising VP.   

+++++++

Did you hear that New Coke and Bud Light are working together on a new drink?
It’s quite an ambitious colabeeration.

Actually, Bud Light has always been trans.  It’s water that identifies as beer.

Want to know how Bud Light Seltzer was invented?
They added the word “Seltzer”.

How long does it take a drunk person to walk nine blocks?
One Bud light year.

What do you call a drunk astronaut?
Bud-light-beer.

Two blind men walk into a bar.
The first orders a scotch, and the second orders a whisky.
“For the last time, gentlemen,” says the exasperated nurse, “this is a hospital and you are both drunk. We do not serve alcohol here!”
“Alright, Bud Light then,” says the first man.

------

A man gets pulled over by a cop.
“Sir, have you drunk any alcohol tonight?”
“I havd three or four Bud lights.” He replied in slurred speech.
“I said alcohol, not simulated cat urine.”

~~~~~~~

I used to think I was fat but now I identify as trans-slender.

 

Although I was born visible I now identify as invisible.  I am trans-parent.  My pronouns are who/where.

Do not say ‘seize the day’; approach it carefully and gently take it by the arm.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

In this political climate we are being encouraged to refer to Great White Sharks as Moderately Okay Caucasian Sharks

Everyone says they appreciate your honesty until you are honest with them.  Then you’re an asshole.

Mother daughter exchange.

Daughter – You are invading my personal space.

Mom – You came *out* of my personal space.

Daughter – Please submit all complaints to the original manufacturer.

Woke country songs.

·         I got friends in privileged places

·         All my exes changed their sexes

·         Stand by your non-menstruating person

·         I am a man of constant mask wearing

·         A boy named Sue

·         Science take the wheel

·         I’m so cancelled I could cry

American ladder makers are having to increase the length between rungs of ladders because people are getting taller.  Some call it ‘climb it change.’

Before social media was around, all those stupid ideas and opinions just stayed in someone’s head.  And can you imagine back in the 80’s taking a picture of what you were eating, going to the drug store to get it developed, than have copies of the picture made, and then knock on people’s doors to give them the pictures?  Nope, neither can I.

 

And on the Alex Baldwin front.  After making the movie ‘Rust’ he will be starring in ‘Prop Gun’

 

The late genius Alan Turing has a sister who went into providing meals for people at gatherings.  She was known as Kate Turing.  (Say it out loud)

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.

 

Some animal humor

 

Before we invented crow bars crows had to drink at home alone.

 

Induction: the act of inserting a duck

Deduction: the act of removing a duck

Reduction: replacing a worn out duck with a replacement duck

 

Digger– “I’ve been bitten by this snake!”

Paul –“Oh, no.  That snake is deadly poisonous.  You will die 20 minutes after he bites you.”

Digger – “Then let him bite me again.”
Paul – “What?”

Digger – “So I can get another 20 minutes.”

 

Do beavers look at stream running down an open meadow and think ‘absolutely not.’?

 

If a dog breaks a mirror is that 49 years bad luck?

 

If you are looking for a bargain, consider deer balls.  They are under a buck.

 

Which reminds me:

From the emergency room:  Dyson Ball Cleaner is a dangerously misleading product name.

 

In conclusion

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him out leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 10 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! At last he decided to drive miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.”

 

 

 

 

Chuckie's JOW #1177

 I thought it was time to do a few Chuck Norris jokes.  Believe it or not, there are people who do not know who Chuck Norris is.  This is understandable; the martial arts ‘actor’ is in his 80’s now. And he can still deliver a roundhouse kick to your head.  The man may be old but his legend continues.

+++++

·         When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

·         Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

·         Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

·         Chuck Norris told a joke about Will Smith’s wife; Will Smith slapped himself.

·         Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

·         Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

·         Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

·         Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

·         If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

·         If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

·         Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

·         When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

·         Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Chuck Norris.

 

A few first person jokes

A Canadian successfully sued Red Bull for not actually giving him wings.  There is another law suit against Smart Water for not making a man smarter.  I am currently preparing my suit against Thin Mints.

 

Every now and then I try to fornicate a large word into a conversation even if I am not sure what it means.

 

The furniture sales man said the sofa would seat four people with no problems.  Unfortunately I don’t know four people without any problems.

 

Spring is here. I so excited I wet my plants.

 

I recently heard about his novel where Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up to go on a cross country adventure.  I headed down to the library and asked the librarian for a copy. 

She said that the name rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

_____

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into the bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit what he wanted.

“I don’t know,” replied the rabbit, “I’m only here because of autocorrect.”

 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes when you are sad, no one sees your sorrow.

Sometimes when you hurt, no one sees your pain.

But fart one time….

 

And finally, a bit of inclusively national humor:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, and Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Englishman, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, an Ulsterman, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

 

 

Poetical JOW #1176

 

I try to vary my jokes as much for my amusement as yours.  So this week I have a bunch of entertaining poems that I thought were funny, followed by a few more conventional jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

A farmer writing Romance Novels:

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through her body.

‘I probably should have told her about that electric fence’ Paul thought.

 

Poems

 

You don't have to live forever to become a grandpa,

but if you do want to live forever,
Don't try to be clever;
If you wish to reach the end of the trail with an uncut throat,
Don't go around saying 

Quote

I don't mind being a grandpa but I
hate being married to a gramma 

Unquote.

>>> 

Senescence begins
And middle age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends.

 

Some simple love poems

More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or Putin hates the United States,
That's how much I love you.

^^^^^

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Some kid poems

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

~~~~

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

``````

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

-          A.A Milne

-           

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow—
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there’s none of him at all.

-          Robert Lewis Stevenson

 

Bacon is red

Bacon is rough

One piece of bacon

Is never enough.

-          Homer Simpson

****

I didn't go to church today,
I trust the Lord to understand.
The surf was swirling blue and white,
The children swirling on the sand.
He knows, He knows how brief my stay,
How brief this spell of summer weather,
He knows when I am said and done
We'll have plenty of time together.

---

There is something about an old-fashioned
When dusk has enveloped the sky
And it may the ice,
Or the maraschino slice,
But I strongly suspect it’s the rye.

Limericks are fun, especially the obscene ones (which are most of them) this one is clean_

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

 

Enough with the poems.  Here are some semi-intellectual jokes.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

 

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

 

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

 

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

 

A sign at a music shop:

“Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

 

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

 

Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and totally destroyed everything!

 

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

 

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

 

And finally… (and yes, ‘booked’ is a euphemism)

 

A priest and a travel agent were participating in a TV game show. After answering all the questions, they were tied, so both are given one final assignment: write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu"; the city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

“I was a wanderer all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu."

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smelled victory. But then comes the travel agent, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went we met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two. "