Hungover JOW 1162

 At last winter has arrived, just in time for Christmas.  We had quite the cold snap here.  The temperature plummeted from 65 to 35 like it saw a state trooper.  But the Big Holiday is over; I just hope none of you left those ‘prescription’ brownies out for Santa. 

The next big event will be New Year’s Eve which is often observed by overserving, which leads me to my theme for this week: hangovers.

 

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

 

A hangover is just your body’s way of reminding you that you are an idiot.  They are nature’s way of grounding you as an adult.   And a way of asking you ‘just how old do you think you are?”

 

What's the best thing for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before.

 

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up and you are not sure if you are hungover, dead, or just hungry.  So hungover that you try to use the garage door opener to change the red light to green.  When you sit on your sofa and try to put the seatbelt on.

 

I had such a massive hangover this morning, I just stood in the shower for fifteen minutes...

Then I summoned the strength to turn it on.

 

Growing up as a kid you never truly understood why vampires hate the light until the morning you fling back the blinds when you’re hungover.

 

A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.

He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you peed in his tuba."

 

Jane awoke from her Saturday out with the girls binge-o-thon surprised that she had no hangover at all.  Then she realized it was Monday morning.

 

What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?

Barf-a-lona

 

The only downside to Cinco de Mayo...

...is Seis de Hangover

 

Hangovers lead me to jokes about imbibing.

 

“Why did I do that?” A novel by me with special guest appearances by several alcoholic beverages.

 

I’m on the tequila diet.  So far I’ve lost three days.

 

People say I’m a bad influence.  But when they are around me they always seem to have a great time.

 

Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, lowered standards, and poor decisions.

 

What doesn’t kill us makes our drinks stronger.

 

When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

 

Have you ever been so drunk you got hit by a parked car?

 

Part of me says, ‘you can’t keep drinking like this.’  The other part say, ‘Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.’

 

One of the advantages of being old is that we did stupid stuff before video cameras and the internet so there is no proof.

 

Whisky: The night time sniffling, sneezing how the hell did I wake up on the floor medicine.

 

You are going to drive me to drink. Fortunately I am close enough to walk.

 

It’s funny the things you do when you are drunk that seem totally reasonable and okay.  Then you wake up and want to go into hiding.

 

The first mate on a ship rarely drank, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last night". He complained to the captain saying that it was very rare. The captain defended his entry saying that it was the truth, wasn't it? The next day the captain opened the ship's log, and the first mate had written, "The captain was sober last night."

 

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: Vietnam
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during the Vietnam War.

 

And a hangover finale

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"

 

 

 

 

Holidaze JOW #1161

Some of you might have noticed that it is the holiday season so I guess I should have a few jokes about Christmas.  Otherwise I would be a bad boy and get coal in my stocking.  Actually in these climate conscious days it would probably be a broken solar toy.  Here are some semi-topical jokes along with my wishes for a Merry Christmas.

 

Why are Christmas trees always looking to the future?

Because the present is beneath them.

 

How do you find the value of taking Yule the Xth power?  

You take the yule log

 

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

 

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.

 

Kids: If your parents won’t get you the presents you want just call 1-800 GRANDMA

 

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.

 

How much does it cost to run Santa’s sleigh? Eight bucks, or nine if the weather is bad.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist who pledged his soul to Santa?

 

And then there was the poor ornament who got hooked on trees

 

What did the naughty soccer announcer get from Santa Claus?

COOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!

 

Actually I don’t usually watch soccer.  If I want to watch a bunch of guys not scoring for 90 minutes I can just watch my friends at the pub on Friday nights.

 

Six year old boy: "I don't want to go to church on Christmas"

Mother: "It's important to go celebrate the birth of Jesus"

Six year old boy: "But we don't even KNOW him!"

 

Boomer woman – “How can a simple ribbon and bow cost $45?”

Gen Z salesclerk – “Because it’s a thong.”

 

A gift of Chuck Norris Christmas jokes

·         The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris made him to return it.

·         The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.

·         Santa leaves out cookies for Chuck Norris.

 

A father took his son Billy to the mall to see Santa. They stood in line awhile, and finally the boy was able to meet Santa and sit on his lap.

“What would you like for Christmas, Billy?” asked Santa.

“An X-Box and a bicycle,” Billy said.

“Okay, we’ll see what we can do about that,” said Santa with a big smile.

Later on that day they also went to see Santa at the Sears mall. When Santa asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas, Billy said, “An X-Box and a bicycle.”

“Will you be a good boy and do what your daddy tells you?” Santa asked.

Billy turned to his dad and said, “Let’s go back to the other Santa, Dad.”

“Why Billy?” asked his father.

“Because I didn’t have to make any deals with that one.”

 

One Christmas, a mother asked her young daughter if she could name two of Santa’s reindeer.

“Rudolph and Olive,” replied the young girl confidently.

“Rudolph and Olive?” said the mother, quizzically. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, mommy, Rudolph and Olive. Like in the song.”

“The song?” asked the mother. “What song?”

The girl sang, “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. Olive the other reindeer....”

 

When a father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied, “A baby sister.”

As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for their son.

The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy said, “If it wouldn’t make mommy too uncomfortable, I’d like a pony.”

 

At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

 

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

 

A customer walked into a store looking for Christmas lights. The clerk showed her their top brand, but, wanting to make sure each bulb worked, she asked him to take them out of the box and plug them in. He did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. He carefully placed the string of lights back in the box.

But as he handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."

 

One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids.

The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks.

When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

And departing holiday jokes.

Three things that tell the truth:

            Small children

            Drunk people

            Yoga pants

======

Alexander Bell’s first phone call was famously ‘Watson, come here, I want you.’  What is not commonly known is the second call which informed Bell that his vehicle warranty was about to expire.

^^^^^^^^^

Officer – “You drinking?”

Me – “You buying?”

 

Me – “It’s not how many times you fall, it’s how often you get up.”

Officer – “That’s not how sobriety tests work.”

We both laughed and laughed.  I need bail money

 

And finally

How does Christmas Day end?

With the letter Y!

 

 

 

 

 

Pithy JOW #1160

 It is thyme for some seasonal humor.  You herb these puns here first! I think it’s a cayenne shame we don’t have more puns. But people are cumin to the end of their patience with all these spicy puns. I was advised to stop with the herbal puns; it was sage advice.

I start my jokes this week with some bumper sticker humor.

Also I am also going to be sending out some jokes telepathically, so if you think of something funny, that was me.

 

·         I’m Vegan.  Because I’m better than you.

·         These days I feel less like a million dollars and more like a bounced check

·         Dyslexics are teople too

·         I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a horse

·         4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

·         My mind was changed by a bumper sticker – said no one ever

·         I got stuck in a traffic jam on my road to riches

·         Don’t believe everything you think.

·         Falling in love makes you do stupid things.  Once I even got married.

·         Watch out for the idiot behind me

·         Marriage is grand.  Divorce is 100 Grand

·         Lost unicorn.  If found, stop doing drugs

·         Beer.  The reason I get up every afternoon

 

Some pithy jokes

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.  I had to explain to him that I’m married now and that’s where I sleep.

 

They are going to do a remake of Over the Rainbow, this time from the little dog’s perspective. The working title is ‘Toto Recall.’

 

When I was young, I was a poor golfer.  Now, after years of lessons and practice I am no longer young.

 

Who is this “Moderation” we are supposed to be drinking with.

 

It used be ‘rock around the clock’.  Now it is limp around the block.

 

My SUV has a button that says ‘Rear Wiper’.  I am afraid to push it.

 

Some days I feel as useless as the G in lasagna.

 

My neighbor is so fashion conscious that she claims that even her dog’s winter coat is Prada.

 

Santa delivers presents once a year and is revered.  FedEx does that every day.

 

“How do you spell ‘orange’?”

“The fruit or the color?”

 

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybe

 

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

 

*******************

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
"See that over there? What is that?" says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
"Look at its hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

~~~~~~~

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

*******************

A man encountered God and asked, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "In a second."

And finally this one is from Tor.  It may not be personally true, but it fits his personality.

 

My teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but I think she was wrong about that because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. So, I told her: "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where I am now.

 

Scattered JOW #1159

 Normally, I just pass on some jokes, butt his week  I feel the need to rant about the weather.  Highs in the 80’s and lows in the 70’s sound nice, but not when it so very humid.  And not in mid-December.  I am ready for a change.  It is hard to get into the holiday spirit wearing shorts and a tee shirt.  I might as well move back to Hawaii.

I just have a few scattered jokes this week.  I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.  I will start with some quick one and end with a setup of the old ‘Horse walks into a bar joke.  The bartender says “why the long face?” 

 

·         What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeee!

·         What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

·         I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

·         Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

·         What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.

·         What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

·         My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

·         What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

·         Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

·         What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.

·         What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

·         What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

·         Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

·         What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

·         How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.

·         I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

·         Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.

·         What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

·         Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.

·         A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"

·         What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

·         What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

·         I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.

·         My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

 

There is a 24-hour pickle hotline hot line number for pickles. What!?!  Who the hell has pickle questions that justify a hotline? And what kind of brine problems can you have that can't wait until morning?

 

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

 

I first noticed I was going bald  when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

 

Women, do you want longer lashes?

All you have to do is show an ankle in Saudi Arabia

 

One evening, after his honeymoon, Tim was organizing his golfing equipment. His new wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she said, puzzled, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

 

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong?"
Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18", says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

 

A woman got the news that her father had fallen from a 20 foot long ladder and was in the hospital. She rushed to the hospital expecting that her father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When she told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told her, "I just fell off the first step."

 

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

The reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad".

The reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

 

And finally a couple of my favorites twisted jokes.

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

And a related twofer.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.