This will be a short JOW as I am writing this in the cabin of Silver Heels, a Pearson 442 sailboat moored just off Bocas Del Toro, Panama. I am helping Tor Pinney bring his boat around to Florida so you will all be spared my jokes next week.
I must admit Bocas Del Toro exceeded my fondest hopes. It is rural, inexpensive, open, safe, and friendly; much like the eastern Caribbean used to be but no longer is. We will be getting underway early on St. Patrick’s Day and heading north.
Here are a few sailing definitions for those of you who are unfamiliar with sea.
• Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
• Chart - A type of map which shows exactly where you are aground.
• Great Circle Route - The ship's course when the rudder is jammed.
Hanging locker - A small, enclosed space designed to keep foul weather gear wet and to turn all other clothing green.
• Headway - What you are making if you can get the toilet to work.
• Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).
• Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.
• Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.
Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
• Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
-----------
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
……………………………………………
Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar.
Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They
then order two more whiskeys a piece and quickly throw them
back. They then order another two apiece. One of the men picks
up one of his drinks, and, turning to the other man, says,
"Skoal!"
The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come
here to talk, or did you come here to drink?"
My cousin Mike provided these observations recorded by proctologists located appropriately at the end of the JOW
1.'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now technically married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Doctor, Doctor JOW
I have been doing in some medical work in preparation for a brief sea voyage. Some of you might know that my cousin Tor Pinney (all Pinney’s are related) has invited me to help him sail his 42 foot ketch, Silver Heels, up to Florida from Panama. I leave next Monday. Since there is limited internet access at sea the JOW will be a bit iffy for the next few weeks. Perhaps Tor will be able to blog something on his very interesting webpage, http://www.tor.cc/.
In the meantime here are a few medically-themed jokes.
Voltaire (1694 1778) knew a bit about doctors:
Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.
And again
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
…………………………………….
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Have you noticed that more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line?
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
------------------------------------------
A doctor explained his prescription to his new patient:
“Take green pill with a big glass of water after getting up. Take blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Just before bed take red pill with another big glass of water.”
“Doctor just what's wrong with me?”
“You're not getting enough water.”
Here are a few one liners
• Costrophobia--Fear of rising drug prices.
• We need a good affordable disease.
• Diet tranquilizer--you don't lose weight, but you really don't
care.
• Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor.
• I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.
• There is a new pill to increase virility, but if it backfires you get hemorrhoids.
• It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.
• Despite all the advances in medical technology the death rate remains the same: One to a person.
____________________________
Finally, since I am in one of those years of age that end in “0” I seem to have Colon Rectal Surgeons on my mind. Or maybe I have them on the other end. At any rate, here is a brief ditty to ‘end up’ on.
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hand and gladly join me
Let’s all do the ‘finger wave’
Some think the cardiologist
Is their faithful friend
But the colorectal surgeon
Will be there in the end
Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things
Perhaps because in their profession
There are lots of openings
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Note: I am allowed to do these kind of things. I have a poetic license.
Tom Pinney
In the meantime here are a few medically-themed jokes.
Voltaire (1694 1778) knew a bit about doctors:
Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.
And again
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
…………………………………….
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Have you noticed that more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line?
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
------------------------------------------
A doctor explained his prescription to his new patient:
“Take green pill with a big glass of water after getting up. Take blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Just before bed take red pill with another big glass of water.”
“Doctor just what's wrong with me?”
“You're not getting enough water.”
Here are a few one liners
• Costrophobia--Fear of rising drug prices.
• We need a good affordable disease.
• Diet tranquilizer--you don't lose weight, but you really don't
care.
• Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor.
• I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.
• There is a new pill to increase virility, but if it backfires you get hemorrhoids.
• It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.
• Despite all the advances in medical technology the death rate remains the same: One to a person.
____________________________
Finally, since I am in one of those years of age that end in “0” I seem to have Colon Rectal Surgeons on my mind. Or maybe I have them on the other end. At any rate, here is a brief ditty to ‘end up’ on.
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hand and gladly join me
Let’s all do the ‘finger wave’
Some think the cardiologist
Is their faithful friend
But the colorectal surgeon
Will be there in the end
Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things
Perhaps because in their profession
There are lots of openings
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Note: I am allowed to do these kind of things. I have a poetic license.
Tom Pinney
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Paraprosdokin JOW
Spring, or as I call it “achoo”, has arrived in Texas. The trees are putting out green buds, flowers are popping up all over, and the weather is glorious. I had thought to have Spring-like theme for my JOW but then discovered that Mary Ellen knows Larson E Whipsade personally. Well, he claims that is his name. She forwarded on some of his paraprosdokians (Google it) for me to share with my JOW victims along, with a few other random thoughts and one short joke from Mary Ellen.
• I prefer to take life with a grain of salt; with a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• True hospitality is making guest feel like they are at home even if you wish they were.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Some whenever they go.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations, why do they call it a ‘work station’?
• The Evening News is where they begin by saying ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
• I saw a busty young woman with a shirt on that said “Guess” - so I said “Implants?”
• Women can never equal men until they can master the equivalent of walking down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• How can one careless match start a forest fire when I need a whole box to start a campfire?
• To steal ideas from someone is called ‘plagiarism’. To steal ideas from many is ‘research’.
• When you give money to influence a businessman it is called ‘bribery’. When you give money to influence elected officials it is called ‘campaign contributions’.
• Why do we get 50 choices for Miss America and so few for president?
• A clear conscience is usually the sing of a bad memory.
• I used to be indecisive but now I am not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.
• To be certain of hitting your target, shoot first; then declare whatever you hit was your target.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (Unless you are Charlie Sheen)
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some pretty neat ideas.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. And some people have no imagination at all.
====================================
Two beggars would go out every day and hold up signs asking for cash in different parts of town. Every day Carlos would only bring home a few dollars while Jose would come back with piles of ten dollar bills.
After a few weeks of this Carlos came up to Jose, “Hey Amigo, we both beg for the same amount of time; how come you come home with so much more money than I do every day?”
“Look at your sign,” Jose said. “What does it say?”
“I have no work and a wife and six kids to support. Please help.”
“No wonder you don’t get much money,” Jose said.
“What does your sign say?” asked Carlos.
“I need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico.”
...................
Authorities recently discovered a skeleton in a house being demolished. After checking the records they determined it was the winner of the 1961 “Hide and Go Seek” championship.
• I prefer to take life with a grain of salt; with a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• True hospitality is making guest feel like they are at home even if you wish they were.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Some whenever they go.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations, why do they call it a ‘work station’?
• The Evening News is where they begin by saying ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
• I saw a busty young woman with a shirt on that said “Guess” - so I said “Implants?”
• Women can never equal men until they can master the equivalent of walking down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• How can one careless match start a forest fire when I need a whole box to start a campfire?
• To steal ideas from someone is called ‘plagiarism’. To steal ideas from many is ‘research’.
• When you give money to influence a businessman it is called ‘bribery’. When you give money to influence elected officials it is called ‘campaign contributions’.
• Why do we get 50 choices for Miss America and so few for president?
• A clear conscience is usually the sing of a bad memory.
• I used to be indecisive but now I am not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.
• To be certain of hitting your target, shoot first; then declare whatever you hit was your target.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (Unless you are Charlie Sheen)
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some pretty neat ideas.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. And some people have no imagination at all.
====================================
Two beggars would go out every day and hold up signs asking for cash in different parts of town. Every day Carlos would only bring home a few dollars while Jose would come back with piles of ten dollar bills.
After a few weeks of this Carlos came up to Jose, “Hey Amigo, we both beg for the same amount of time; how come you come home with so much more money than I do every day?”
“Look at your sign,” Jose said. “What does it say?”
“I have no work and a wife and six kids to support. Please help.”
“No wonder you don’t get much money,” Jose said.
“What does your sign say?” asked Carlos.
“I need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico.”
...................
Authorities recently discovered a skeleton in a house being demolished. After checking the records they determined it was the winner of the 1961 “Hide and Go Seek” championship.
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