Rocky Mountain Hi JOW #930

I recently returned from a too-brief visit to the Rocky Mountains.  That put me in the mind for some jokes about elevated terrain, hills, hiking, and that sort of thing. 

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·         Have you heard the story about the hill? I couldn’t get over it.

·         Getting to the top of the hill was great fun but it was all downhill after that.

·         Really the difference between hill and hell is just a fine line.

·         Why are mountains so funny? – Because they are hill areas.

·         Why do mountains get so big?

·         They have no natural predators.

·         Hipsters tend to stick to hiking backcountry rivers. They’re less mainstream.

·         I took my pet Yogi hiking today. Bear with me on this one.  It's quite safe because Yogi doesn't have any teeth. He's a gummy bear.

·         There’s a new waterproof membrane that’s also trying to stop climate change. It’s called Al Gore-Tex.

·         I came across two talking stones while I was out hiking. One was big but shy. The other was a little boulder.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mt. Everest was discovered in 1856?

Yup – it was still Mt. Everest.

How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to screw it in and one to say “nice turns”

How does a snowboarder introduce himself?

“Sorry bro…”

How did the big mountain know the little mountain was lying?

Because it was only a bluff

What do you call a snowman with a six-pac?

An abdominal snowman.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

*************

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed.”

The engineer said, “I think I’ve got a few tools in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong.”

The programmer said, “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

After being away on a trip, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

Some random thoughts:

·         Research shows that 6 of 7 dwarves are not happy

·         I before e except after c is disproved by science.

·         Donuts – the original hole food

·         I am terrified of elevators.  I take steps to avoid them.

·         And my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

·         If ignorance is bliss there should be more happy people.

·         Stupidity knows no boundaries but it does know a lot of people.

·         Things that tell the truth: small children, drunks, and yoga pants

·         I ordered a chicken and an egg of the internet to see which would come first

·         Never iron a four leaf clover. That is pressing your luck.

·         I will track down whoever stole my copy of MS Office.  You have my Word.

·         I saw a baguette at the zoo.  It was bread in captivity.

·         Did you see that cashier?  She was checking me out.

·         A bike in town keeps running over me.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Bumper Stickers seen on military bases

·         101st Airborne Division- “ When it comes to Combat, we care enough to send the very best”

·         “When in doubt, empty the magazine” 

·         “Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!” 

·         “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume” 

·         “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything”

·         " U.S Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah” 

·         “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

·         “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back” 

·         “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil” 

·         “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

·         “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

·         “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon” 

·         Napalm is okay by me

·         “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

·         “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl” 

·         “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “ 

Finally, a little puzzle for you to try to solve.  I like it because I was able to figure it out.

My friend had purchased a piece of slate to put into the floor in the hearth in front of his fireplace. The slate was 3/4 of an inch thick, by 10 inches wide, by 48 inches long, and weighed on the order of 175 pounds. He had cut a hole in the oak floor that was the same size as the piece of slate.
The depth of the hole was exactly 3/4 of an inch, the same as the slate. And, of course, there was the sub-floor underneath. When he put one end of the slate into the hole in the floor, he realized that he would have to drop the other end to get the slate into the hole. He realized that if he dropped the brittle slate, even half an inch, it would break.
Not only that, but it wouldn't go in the hole, anyway. There was so little clearance that he couldn't even use that thin fishing line to lower the end of the slate. So he sat there for the longest time, drinking beers and pondering this dilemma. After his 5th or 6th trip to the kitchen he returned with something that solved the problem in elegant fashion.
What did he find there that allowed him to lower the slate into the hole without risk of breaking it?

Gender conflict JOW #929

I hit the road for a couple of weeks for a road trip.  Now that I am back, I chose and easy theme: the eternal battle of the sexes.  I am sure in this ‘oh so sensitive’ era I have something that you will find at least one of my jokes offensive.  So be sure to read all my jokes carefully.

I know I joke around on my posts but on a more serious note, I want everybody to wish me luck today.  I gotta talk to the bank and if all goes well we are talking thousands of dollars here.  I cannot wait to be free from debt.  I am so excited I can barely get the ski mask over my head.

Some tips for men when disagreeing with your woman

·         Never make a woman mad.  They can remember things that haven’t even happened yet.

·         Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement.  In the end you have to just give in and click ‘I agree’.

·         Behind every angry woman stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong

·         Don’t try to understand women.  Women understand women, and they hate each other.

·         If a woman says ‘first of all’ run away.  Because she has prepared research, data, charts, and she will destroy you.

Finally men, when arguing with your woman-

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don’t’ you are an insensitive bastard.

………………….

His girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

“It’s not working.  I can’t take it anymore.  I am going to my Mom’s place.”

He opened the fridge.

The light came on.

The beer was cold.

What the hell was she talking about?

<<<<<<<< 

When God created man he looked at him and thought, ‘I can do better than that.’

>>>>>>>>>>> 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front, who do you let in first?  The dog – at least he will shut up after you let him in.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Why do men pass more gas than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

=================

What do men and beer bottles have in common?  They are both empty from the neck up.

````````````

A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'"

Sales girl: "Sir, fiction is on the 1st floor!"

 ******

 A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

There are three kinds of men in this world.

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened!

 ******

 Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

 ******

  COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

 ******

 When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 ******

 Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!"

Here are some tips for the ladies how to talk about men and still be politically correct

·         He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.

·         He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

·         He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

·         He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

·         He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

·         He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

·         He is not short -- he is Anatomically Compact.

·         He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

·         He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

·         He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

·         He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

·         He does not eat to much; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

·         He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

·         He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

·         He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

·         He does not have a fabulous ass; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

·         He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

And one more

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One. ONE!! 
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? 
Because no one else in this household knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past TEN YEARS. 
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.  THIS HOUSE...THIS HOUSE!! ....IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.... HOUSE . . .. . . 

Dogs away! JOW #928

I am on a road trip to escape the summer heat during the dog days of summer.  Before I left I prepared a set of jokes to send out before I drove out on Monday – and I forgot to send it! Just as well; since we are in the dog days I was able to put together some dog-related jokes and am sending it out from my hotel room here in Roswell.  It is WAY too hot here to camp. 

Here are my dog days jokes:

Imagine being completely naked in room full of people who speak a language you don’t understand, and everyone wants to touch you... This is life of a dog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~`

What do you call a large canine that meditates?  An Aware wolf

``````````

A dog went to the flea circus.  He stole the show.

++++++

How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

--------------

Did you hear about the dog who had puppies on the sidewalk?

She was ticketed for littering.

===========

A police officer was sitting his car with his K9 partner in the back seat. A little boy walked over and asked, “Is that a dog in the back seat?”

The officer said, “It sure is.”

“Wow,” said the boy, “what did he do?”

`````````````````````

The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.

********

Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’

……….

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. ‘Are you here to see Dr Meyer?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’

^^^^^^^^^^^^

“They say the dog is man's best friend.  I don't believe that.  How many of your friends have you neutered?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do you mean, my dog was chasing a guy on a bike?   My dog doesn’t ride a bike!

<<<<<<<<<<<
A dog walks into a pub and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a beer please".

The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"

The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

+++++++++++++

Dog for sale.  Easy-going.  Eats anything.  Loves children.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes who were sitting around bored and alone one day. They noticed an article in the paper offering to sell bird dogs. Well, they had heard that bird dogs make excellent companions, were smart, and good at what they do.  So, they went out to buy one. They brought the dog home and fell instantly in love with him.  The two blondes decided to take the dog outside and watch him do what he is was so good at doing. They tried it out a couple of times, but the blondes came off more disappointed than amazed at what the dog could do. Finally, one of the blondes was sick and tired of waiting, she suddenly shouted out: "THAT’S IT! We’ll give this dog one more chance. We’ll throw him up in the air one more time and if he doesn’t fly we’re taking him back!"

Some non-dog jokes

·         Research shows that 6 of 7 dwarves are not happy

·         ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’ is disproved by science.

·         Donuts – the original hole food

·         I am terrified of elevators.  I take steps to avoid them.

·         And my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

·         If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people.

·         Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it does know a lot of people.

·         Things that tell the truth: small children, drunks, and yoga pants

·         I ordered a chicken and an egg of the internet to see which would come first

·         Never iron a four-leaf clover. That is pressing your luck.

·         I will track down whoever stole my copy of MS Office.  You have my Word.

·         I saw a baguette at the zoo.  It was bread in captivity.

·         Did you see that cashier?  She was checking me out.

·         A bike in town keeps running over me.  It’s a vicious cycle.

And finally

After being away on a road trip, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.