Foghoot and Meme JOW #658

This week had National Talk like Shakespeare day, in part because this was the anniversary of his birth and death.  April is a good month for birthdays.  At any rate I had thought to do a Shakespeare-themed JOW but most of the humor about the Bard of Avon is way too esoteric for popular amusement.  While looking around I wound up falling into a ‘rabbit hole’ of feghoots and memes.  I barely escaped with my sanity. 

Here are a few jokes related to the Immortal Bard followed by some examples of low humor.

One blonde asks another blonde,” Have you read Shakespeare?”

“I dunno, who wrote it?”

…………………………..

Here are some actual student bloopers about the Bard of Avon collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

·         He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

·         He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.

·         He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

·         Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

·         Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

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There are a lot of Shakespearian feghoots - that is stories with awful puns related to well know sayings and quotes at the end; and nobody has more famous quotes than Shakespeare.   Of course you must know the quotation to get the joke.  So you have to know the quotation in ‘Julius Caesar’ about Cassius to get the comment about small cashews “Yon cashews hath a lean and hungry look.”

My favorite Shakespeare feghoot is the sign on the camping goods store: "Now is the discount of our winter tents!".

Here are some more non Shakespeare feghoots

Prof San Holo was busy at his lab. He was experimenting with splicing genetic material from rams into eggs of bees. With global warming, certain species of flowering plants flourish while others perish. The idea was to give bees the ability to digest leaves and grass to make honey and thereby reduce the need to be reliant on nectar and pollen from flowers.

The first splicing was a disaster. The bee digestive system became dysfunctional.

The second attempt disrupted the honey production with lactose contaminant

The bee grew tiny horns in the third!

He then tried DNA from a sheep and Eureka! Yes indeed. It worked because he 

Made the Fourth Bee with Ewe.

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At 4pm, White Pawn Alice made it to the 8th rank. She simultaneously captured the Red Queen, was crowned as a White Queen and checkmated the Red King. This was surely a case of when the Reign is Canceled because of the Game.

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"I dare you to stay in that haunted mansion at midnight" Timmy challenged Sammy "Ten bucks says you can't"

"I... I'll do it" Sammy stammered

At midnight a trembling Sammy slowly made his way into the courtyard and waited. It was here 20 years ago that an 8 year old child had fallen off her bicycle. She had hit her head on the concrete floor and died.

Thirty slow minutes ticked away. Suddenly, an apparition materialized. It was a ghostly image of a child cycling away in a circle! Sammy took out the camera with his jittery hands and clicked. Oh no! He had forgotten to charge the battery! The flash barely came on. The ghost quickly vanished and Sammy ran out.

Sadly, the photo was severely underexposed and nothing could be seen. It seems that the Spirit is Wheeling but the Flash is Weak.

Finally here are some annoying memes

A meme is an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture.  Like the commercials with the old bearded guy who is supposed to be interesting.   Maybe he is Chuck Norris’ father or something.

·         “I don’t often drink beer, so you probably shouldn’t value my opinion of it.”

·         “I don’t always scan an important document, but when I do I always leave it, forgotten, on the scanner bed for a week or so.

·         “I don’t always drink cola, but when I do I enjoy Pensacola.”

·         “I don’t always do memes, but when I do it is to entertain my friends.”

Tax Day JOW

            Today is Tax Day, and more importantly, the date that marks the end of my daughter Tiffany’s youth; yes, she is thirty years old now.  However more people are concerned about paying taxes.  We once had a revolution based on ‘no taxation without representation’ but taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.  Actually there is one tax I think we should have: a tax on those who misuse the English language.  I would call it a ‘syn tax’.

Some tax quotes:

 

"Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund."
                           —F.J. Raymond

"There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure." 
                           —Dan Bennett 

“A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.''
                           —Russell B. Long, former U.S. Senator

"Income tax returns: the most imaginative fiction written today. "
                           —Herman Wouk

“What's the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist? A taxidermist only takes the skin.”

                              -- Mark Twain

"The present tax code is about 10 times longer than the Bible, a lot more complicated, and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news."
                          —Don Nickles, former U.S. senator

And anonymously

 

“When you look at ‘THE IRS’ it is actually ‘THEIRS’”

"There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax."

"Optimist: Someone who sets aside two hours to do his income tax return."

“A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.”

Dave Berry had a great idea for reforming the tax code.

“What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by Satan. But he works through Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob.

Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.

Or, he can give them food either way. It doesn't matter. The main thing is, we never let them off the island.”

Stephen Willis, author of “Masks, Magic, and Games: the Use of Tax Law as a Policy Tool." wrote some amusing comments about actual verbiage in the tax code.  I am *so glad* I do not have to make my living reading this stuff.

1. Schedule J for Form 1118.
The title to this form, which must be important to someone, reads:

Separate Limitation Loss Allocations and Other Adjustments Necessary to Determine Numerators of Limitation Fractions, Year-End Recharacterization Balances, and Overall Foreign Loss Account Balances

According to IRS estimates, recordkeeping for this form should take approximately 89 hours and 15 minutes, learning about the form should take 1 hour and 5 minutes, and preparing the form should take 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Heck, it took that long to read the title.

Section 509(a).

The flush language to this important section, which defines private foundations, reads:
For purposes of paragraph (3), an organization described in paragraph (2) shall be deemed to include an organization described in section 501(c)(4), (5), or (6) which would be described in paragraph (2) if it were an organization described in section 501(c)(3).
President Reagan included this sentence in his speeches as as example of the Code being undecipherable. During his and subsequent administrations, we've seen 121 tax bills pass Congress. At least a dozen involved "simplification." However, the above sentence remains.
I guess they spent their time on the really complicated stuff.

Mother-in-law rule.

Frequently in tax law, the behavior of one person affects the tax consequences of family members. we are our "brother's keepers" so to speak.
For purposes of section 4946 - dealing with private foundations - a person's family includes:
his spouse, ancestors, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and the spouses of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
That means you are a member of your mother-in-law's family, but she is not a member of your family. Sound OK? It also means that what she does taints you, but what you do cannot affect her!

Luxury Automobiles.

We hear alot about how the tax system should tax the rich more than others. People should pay according to their ability to pay. Appropriately then, section 280F limits depreciation on "luxury" automobiles. That sounds fair, until you learn that, pursuant to section 280F(a)(1)(A)(iii),
a "luxury automobile" is one costing over $12,760.41.
Where did the 41 cents come from?

Charitable Contributions.

Section 170 allows deductions for charitable contributions. Computing the amounts can be difficult stuff. Luckily, the Treasury Department issues regulations helping to explain the Code, which is sometimes difficult to read.
Thank goodness for the fellow who helped draft Treasury Regulation section 1.170A-12(e)(2) to explain the "special factor" used for "the valuation of a remainder interest following two lives":

And finally, Mr. Willis closed with this”

An unorthodox, but to the point summary of my message is that these many games we play amount to a form of tax masturbation: sure they can be fun and exciting - even seductive - but, ultimately, are we not just abusing ourselves?

Gone Fishing JOW #656

                I am going fishing this week so I thought I would salute piscatorial arts with a salute to fishing.  You know for a fish, the glass half empty/half full thing really hinges on which end of the fish is in the water.  I actually wanted to be a professional fisherman once, but I decided I could not survive on my net income.

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First, here are a few fishing definitions.

Knot (1) An insecure connection between your hook and fishing line. (2) A permanent tangle on your spinning reel which forces you to go out and buy a bigger, better, much more expensive rig.

Landing Net A net used to help drag a large wiggling fish, or an inebriated fishing buddy, on board.

Live Bait The biggest fish you'll handle all day.

Quiet Water Your surroundings after you stop cursing your bad luck and fall asleep at the reel.

Sinker (1) A weight attached to a lure to get it to the bottom. (2) The nickname of your boat.

Thumb A temporary hook holder.

Treble Hook Triples the odds of your catching a fish. Quadruples the odds of your getting the hook caught in your thumb (see above).

Trolling What you do after you've lost a $500 rod and reel set-up overboard.

Test (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

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A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a nice normal baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz. 

Why so many man think fishing is better than sex:

·         You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.

·         When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

·         Fish don't compare you to other fishermen and don't care how many other fish you caught.

·         You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

·         You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

·         Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. 
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A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied. 

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ‘em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" 

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. 

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded. 

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.

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One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

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And a final few jokes for the distaff side

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend when the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. 

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

"Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.  Actually, don’t teach him to fish.  Let him learn to cook for himself; besides fishing is not all that hard.

The only reason your husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"