Bar none JOW #953

So we have successfully (I hope) passed Thanksgiving… in a manner of speaking.  Now is time to get a running start toward Christmas.  Work becomes a bit more urgent as we know that we only have a couple of weeks to get things done before Christmas takes over.  One nice thing about the days getting shorter: you can start drinking sooner.  Nothing like a nice toddy on a cold winter’s night.  That line of though got me thinking about one of my favorite genres of jokes – the ‘Walks into a Bar’.  I am going to start with a few of them before devolving into a final random few to finish.  Enjoy.

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A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

++++++++++++

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

=================

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman.
"I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

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Pat and Willy walked into a bakery.  After a bit they walked out without making any purchases.  Once clear of the store, Pat began laughing hysterically. 

“What’s so funny?” Willy asked.

“I took three pastries from that guy and he never noticed,” Pat replied, showing Willy the pastries in his pocket.  “Pretty clever, huh?”

“I’ll show you clever,” said Willy.  “Come with me.”

He walked back into the bakery with Pat following cautiously.

“Let me show you a fine trick,” Willy said to the baker.  The baker, a large man crossed his arms and looked at him with suspicion.

“Watch carefully,” Willy said.  He then took three pastries, just like the ones that Pat had stolen, and proceeded to gobble them down.  “Now here’s the trick,” Willy said as the baker advanced on him.  Willy made some magical gestures and then announced, “Those three pastries are right there in my friend Pat’s pocket.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Jimmy Walker, once mayor of New York City, was ill in the hospital and for some medical reason had to be fed through a tube. After a few days he began to feel better and noticed that the nurse was exceptionally cute. The next afternoon when she had finished feeding him, the Mayor said, “Look, tomorrow, bring another tube and we’ll have lunch together.”

And finally, a moral lesson from an uncredited friend.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.  Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:  Always keep your condoms in your car.

Thanks for the JOW #952

Thursday is Thanksgiving, that special time of year where we, as Americans, give thanks for our manifold blessings.  And we have a lot to be thankful for – for the last three hundred years people in America have had a relatively higher standard of living than the rest of the world.  Even though we, as a people, are so well off that we can make every day a feast, it is still a wonderful thing to be able to assemble with friends and family over a (big) special meal.  I have taken Thanksgiving with Ruth’s family every year for the past 25 years which sort of makes it a family tradition.  My part in that tradition is to be the uncle who eats too much and falls asleep watching the Dallas Cowboys.  I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving as well.  Here are a few jokes, some of which feature Thanksgiving themes.

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What a wonderful time it is.  Romaine lettuce is not healthy and dark chocolate is.

I always try to put a positive spin on things.  For example if you burn the turkey salmonella won’t be a concern.  You can just tell everyone that it’s Cajun Blackened.  Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.  And you can get to the deserts quicker.

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How many turkeys does it take to change a light bulb?  Only one but it takes five hours.

++++++++++++

Time flies. Turkeys don’t.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Young Michael, at true Texan, was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. 'What are you doing?' Michael enquired. 'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied. 'Wow, that's cool.' Michael remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?' 

Some grade school jokes:

·         If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

·         What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock 

·         Why did the turkey cross the road?  Because it was the chicken’s day off.

·         Knock Knock. Who There? Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving for what? Thanks giving us this turkey.

And one for Mike:

What is the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

A pirate buries his treasure but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy posted on his Face Book status: “Last night I had a little too much to drink and though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and took an Uber.”

Amid the many likes and positive comments was this posting from his best friend.  “Dude, where did you go in that Uber? The party was at your house.”

A leftover Halloween joke:

While walking home an old man took a shortcut through the cemetery.  He saw two girls who came up to him and asked if they could walk with him.  They explained they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night.  The old man agreed and then mischievously grinned and said, “I understand.  I used to get freaked out by things like that too. When I was alive.”

Here are some jokes passed on to me from Bill

·         The weakest part of a car is the nut behind the wheel

·         Adultery is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

·         I had a really tough day.  First my ex got run over by a bus.  Then I got fired from job as a bus driver.

·         Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

·         As a kid did you knock on stranger’s doors and then run away before they could answer?  If so, good news, UPS is hiring.

And finally, a completely off-topic joke:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe ALL union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 80 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 57 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

End of Time JOW #951

This is JOW number 951.  In less than a year I will have done a thousand of these posting.  If that is not a sign of the pending apocalypse I don’t know what is.  Sure, the world is ending, but not just yet.  I know - people are making apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.  But that got me started on a topic which soon went adrift.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There’s no big apocalypse. Just an endless procession of little ones. - Neil Gaiman

It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning. They shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid the general applause from all the wits who believe that it is a joke.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

I think about those guys who do the Jerimiah thing, walking around with a sign that says “The End is Near”.  I would like to hire another guy to walk a block behind him with a sign saying “The End”.  What do those guys do when the world doesn’t end on schedule?  Do they have a sign that says “Just Kidding?”  Of course they can always say ‘Just wait’ and, eventually, they will be right.

One of the most popular apocalyptic themes these days is the Zombie Apocalypse.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I am going to Costco. It should be safe – there is plenty of food there, the walls are made of cinder blocks with no windows, and you have to be a member to get in.

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More zombie jokes

·         Where is the safest place in your home from a zombie?  The living room.

·         What is black and white and dead all over?  A zombie in a tuxedo.

·         What did the zombie eat after his teeth were pulled?  The dentist.

·         Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?  He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

·         A dentist, a lawyer, and a zombie walk into a bar. Three zombies walk out.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Zombie

Zombie who?

BRAAIINS!

Then there was the dyslexic zombie who starved because he couldn’t find any SNIIAARB

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I have used this joke before but it fits; and I think it is funny

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in the act. I got home found by wife in bed but couldn’t find the guy.  I searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling his fingers. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 7th floor of my apartment building. I was on my stationary bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding in this married chick's refrigerator....."

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Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.  Then he was fired from the clock making factory from all those extra hours he put in.

And finally, something entirely off topic:
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."

Overtly Political JOW #950

I am not sure if you heard, but there is an election this Tuesday.  I, for one, will be heartily glad to see the end of campaigning.  Most of the ads I hear are versions of: “If you are sick of negative campaign ads, vote for me and not my opponent who is a corrupt, lying hypocrite.”

I also deplore the dumbing down of the ads.  Most Americans are more or less moderate which is why both sides using clever editing to try to position their opponents as one extreme or another.  I am heartily sick of our current crop of candidates.  I did some research and came up with a few actual historical examples of a refreshingly different set of candidates.

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First, my personal favorite: Kinky Friedman who ran for the governor of the great state of Texas with a stated goal of the ‘dewussification” of Texas.  He had campaign slogans like “My governor is a Jewish cowboy” and “Why the Hell not?”  I voted for him for just that reason.

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Retired farmer Connie Watts of Georgia campaigned for the US presidency in 1960 as the write-in "rocking-chair candidate" of the Front Porch Party (so-called because his campaign headquarters was his front porch, which he never left).

He promised a law to "keep them 'vine-ripened' stickers off of them mushy green tomatoes." He also promised that he would move the nation's capital to "right out there on that knoll" 200 yards away from his chair.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Also in 1960, Gabriel Green, founder of the Amalgamated Flying Saucer Clubs of America, announced his candidacy for the presidency of the United States, promoting himself as "your write-in space-age candidate."

Thanks to his contact with the "space people," Green promised that his presidency would usher in "The World of Tomorrow, and UTOPIA now." Using his system of "prior choice economics," he would eliminate money by giving everyone a credit card. He also promised, "free permanent insurance on everything, no more taxes, free medical and dental care for everyone without the disadvantage of socialized medicine and cradle to grave economic security."

However, Green withdrew his candidacy several months before the election, conceding that "not enough Americans have yet seen flying saucers or talked to outer space people to vote" for him.

                                                         

In 1969, Rodney Fertel, former husband of Ruth Fertel, founder of Ruth Chris Steak House, ran for mayor of New Orleans as a single-issue candidate. He promised that, if elected, he would "get a gorilla for the zoo." That was his one and only goal. He called this the "primate platform."

Fertel campaigned by standing on street corners, sometimes dressed in a safari outfit, sometimes in a gorilla suit, handing out miniature plastic gorillas to passersby. He gave black gorillas to black voters and white gorillas to white voters.

Fertel lost the election. He only got 308 votes. But he kept his promise by donating a pair of West African gorillas the following year to the New Orleans zoo at his own expense.

                                                                                   

In 1970, Hunter S. Thompson, inventor of Gonzo journalism ran for sheriff of Aspen, Colorado, on the "Freak Power" ticket, which claimed to represent all "freaks, heads, criminals, anarchists, beatniks, poachers, wobblies, bikers, and persons of weird persuasion."

He promised a number of reforms if elected, including:

·         Changing the name of Aspen to "Fat City."

·         Ripping up the city streets with jackhammers to force all transportation to be by foot or bicycle. 

·         Putting dope pushers who sold at a profit in stocks.

·         Disarming the sheriff and his deputies.

·         Stopping exploitation of Aspen's image by "greenheads, land-rapers, and other human jackals." 

Thompson narrowly lost the election, but he later noted that the narrowness of his defeat was, in itself, quite an achievement given his campaign's "out-front Mescaline platform."

Here is another refreshing candidate

The man who calls himself Vermin Supreme (it's his legal name) has campaigned in numerous state and national US elections since the late 1980s. Throughout that time, his central argument has always remained the same. It is that all politicians are vermin, and therefore as the Vermin Supreme he is, without question, the most qualified candidate.

He can be recognized by the large black boot that he wears on his head.

Over the years Vermin Supreme has made many promises. If elected, he will:

·         Give all seriously ill people a bus ticket to Canada.

·         Provide government-issued toothpaste "containing addictive yet harmless substances."

·         Make crime against the law.

·         Give every American a free pony.

·         Fully fund time travel research.

And finally, an amusing essay

It all started a few weeks back. I started noticing dog acting strangely. For instance, on our walks, our dog would start barking at the Black Labs and Chihuahuas on our street. Sure, I thought it was weird, but I didn’t say anything.

Things grew stranger. One day I came home to find him peeing on the latest issue of The New York Times — a clear statement regarding his thoughts about free press. “THE PRESS IS IN PLACE TO PROTECT CITIZENS!” I screamed. The next day? I dropped him off at the groomer for an appointment. When I picked him up his hair was extremely short on the sides and long on top. I certainly did not ask for that haircut. “What in the name of Elizabeth Warren is going on?” I thought

That’s when I began to talk to my friends. Was I this out of touch with the Middle-America dog community? Was I so trapped inside my own elite dog-bubble that I couldn’t see this coming? I mean, I know white men support Trump, but Golden Retrievers? They thought I was just being paranoid.

To this day I still don’t know what to believe. I know it may sound far fetched, but given our current political climate I wouldn’t be shocked. If others are feeling comfortable enough to hold KKK rallies and openly support white supremacy, then who’s to say our dogs aren’t having similar thoughts? Do you know what your dog is doing while you’re at work?

Here’s a tip if you’re concerned. Set your TV to CNN when you leave in the morning. If you come back and it’s on FOX, you know something’s up.

You can call me crazy. Heck, tell me I’m insane. Think what you’d like. But don’t be surprised if you see my dog on Bill Maher sometime soon.