Winter Follies JOW #497

The Olympics, Winter version, have been on for a week or so. We celebrated here in Houston with snow. There were at least 50 or 60 flakes recorded by trained observers filtering down between the sleet and drizzle. Of course, the next day it was sunny again, but let it be noted we did observe the season. I haven’t watched the Games very much but I did catch the curling ‘competition’. Fascinating. Curling is like the Al Gore of sports. They have figured out how to make a winter sport out of shuffleboard. It brought back to mind nights in a tavern sliding pucks along a sand-lubricated shuffleboard table. Of course, curling is an “Olympic Sport” so they are allowed to sweep the ice ahead of the stone. That is much more energetic than merely watching a metal puck slide along while holding a beer. I think women like curling because they get to see men pushing brooms. I can hardly wait until they have curling on WII.
Here are some related jokes that I hope will brighten your day.
First, some famous Olympic commentary:

• Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
• Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
• Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
• Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
• Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


Here are some questions purportedly sent to the Canadian Tourism board prior to the Olympics

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather ... try the Hippodrome in Calgary on a Tuesday night! And come naked.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I was in Canada in 1989 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


And finally, a joke I use every winter. It is topical, not tropical.

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's blonde wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..............."
Then the power goes out!
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look
on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows
can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

The season of Lent is upon us, a traditional time of reflection and fasting. Unfortunately we Americans are not so good at the fasting thing. Just look at the body types around any fast food restaurant and you will see what I mean. Lent is also not a prime source of humor─ I take that as a challenge. Here are some Lenten Jokes, sort of. Okay, so there is one or two with a few church jokes thrown in.
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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said,
"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

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The following caption was found written on a gravestone...
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow me."
Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you went!"
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Getting Ready for Lent
If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.

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Lenten prayer
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven’t had a drink or been in a fight. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."

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Mary Ellen sent us these excerpts from Church Bulletins. These examples are hard proof that ‘spell check’ won’t fix all your printing problems.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

It is time for a Dogcentric JOW. Sure, jokes about dogs are easy, but they still bring a smile to my face. Sometimes, as I watch the unalloyed and unfettered joy of my dogs at such events as dinnertime, or walk time, or greeting us when we return I envy their life. I could be a dog, hey, I know how to chase squirrels and take naps. On the other hand, In dog years, I would be dead. All I can say is if there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Groucho Marx had some wonderful thoughts about dogs:
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book; inside of a dog, it is very dark.



A woman noticed a stray dog. She was a very nice, well mannered animal with a collar but no tags. She just came up on the porch and slept for a couple of hours and then disappeared. The next day she was back at about the same time. Soon she was coming inside for her naps. The dog was always perfectly behaved and obviously had a loving home somewhere else.
Finally the woman decided to solve the mystery. She attached a note to the dog’s collar explaining what the dog was doing each day.
The next day the dog was bag with and explanatory reply.
“Ginger is our dog; we have five children in our home, two of which are under the age of five. I think she just needs a place to catch up on her sleep. P.S. Can I come over when she does, too?”
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The following ad appeared in an Atlanta newspaper. There were many, many replies
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever.)

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."

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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in US.
One says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
The mother superior pointed out a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The younger nun blushes and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"

Finally, a donation from Sandy

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'

Hokey Pokey JOW #495

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a man, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. I have often wondered if the Hokey Pokey “is” what it is all about. The most traumatic part of Larry’s passing was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
But enough philosophizing─here are some jokes to lighten your day

This is from Bill J.
During a recent password audit at our company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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Here is an old southern joke from Bil
I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with another frog in his mouth.

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The Geico Gecko recently began to have trouble with his lines during filming of his popular commercials; specifically he had trouble pronouncing the words with the letter ‘e’. When asked about the problem, a company spokesman the gecko had begun taking Viagra to solve his ‘e’ reptile dysfunction.

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From Charles
A woman was talking about her family with some new acquaintances.
“You have six children?” a woman exclaimed to her. “Oh, my, how old are they?
“Well, Bill and Bob are 16, Ann and Andy are 11, and Faith and Hope are 8.”
“You mean you got twins every time?”
“Oh, no. Lots of times we didn’t get anything.”