It's about Time JOW #887

I remember Indian Summer as a time when after a cold snap the days warmed up again.  Here in the Houston area the meaning is more like Calcutta, India.  But at last the worst of the hot days are finally behind us.  This means it must be time for the World Series, where, by a strange twist of fate, LA – the very home of cool - is miserably hot.  It is also about time to change back to ‘real time’ from this so-called daylight savings time.  If it is saving daylight, how come it is still dark at 0700?  But then I suspect the only exercise some people get is falling back and springing ahead.  Other people think 'daylight savings time change day' is the best holiday of the year because they get an extra hour of sleep.

All this got me thinking about time.  Here are a few jokes about time, along with some filler jokes, including a lawyer joke I had not seen before.

A snail was mugged by two turtles.  When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know.  It happened so fast.”

************

Once Chuck Norris and time had race. Result: Time is still running.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There is a knock at the door.  When the woman opens it all she sees is a snail.  She picks it up and throws it across the yard.

A week later there is another knock on the door.  She opens the door and there is the snail again.  The snail says, “What was that all about?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The publisher rejected the mayfly’s book ‘The Life of a Mayfly, an Autobiography’ because it was only one page long.

Some timely riddles:

Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.

Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you call a tense clock?
A: All wound up.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy rang up to airport and said: "Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to San Francisco?

The lady replied "Just a moment..."

Then the guy said "Thank you" and hung up.

----------------------

A passenger tapped the limo driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

====================

A judge calls the opposing lawyers into his chambers and says, “The reason we are here is that both of you have given me a bribe.”  The two lawyers squirm.  “You Pat have given me $10,000.  Tom, you gave me $15,000.”

The judge hands Pat a check for $5,000.  “Now you are even, and so I am going to decide the case on its merits.”

A stressful joke from Bill

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck so you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You know that you are not the father, but the girl claims you are.

This is getting very stressful!
You request tests to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test prove you're infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You're still stressed but relieved.
Then you think about your wife three kids at home.

Okay, a final joke –

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe. 

Such a deal JOW - #886

There was an explosive story recently broken that shows how the biggest source of drugs in the ongoing opioid epidemic is American Big Pharm.  The drug companies have been dumping vast quantities of highly addictive narcotics into American homes.  Big Pharm even got a congressman to sponsor a bill that limited the DEA’s ability to limit their distribution of these drugs.  That congressman, a real friend to the pushers, is Congressman Marino, the very man nominated to the ‘Federal Drug Czar’ - Ironic, huh.

I tried to find some other jokes about Harvey, but the entire topic is apparently taboo.  Here are the only two I found.

How is Harvey Weinstein behavior compared to Bill Clinton’s?  Close but no cigar.  

‘Tonight is so beautiful that Harvey Weinstein invited it up to his room for a massage.”  The comedian who told that joke was shamed and had to apologize profusely from giving offense.   

·         Hollywood has the best moral compass because it has compassion. – (Actual quote from Harvey Weinstein.)

 Some jokes about strange financial dealings

Poor old Pat had a cow but no place to pasture her.  So went to see his neighbor Bill and offered to pay him $20 a month to keep the cow in Bill’s pasture.  Several months went by but Pat never gave Bill any money.  Finally, Bill went to see Pat.

“I know things have been tight for you lately, so how about we make a deal? I have pastured your cow for ten months.  You owe me $200.  But the cow is only worth about that much.  How about I just keep the cow and we’ll call it square?”
Pat thought for a minute and said, “Keep her one more month and you’ve got a deal.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Interviewer- ‘Sir you have made a considerable fortune.  How did you make your money?’

Millionaire – ‘I made it in the carrier pigeon business.’

Interviewer- ‘Carrier pigeons?  How many did you sell?’

Millionaire – ‘Only one; he kept coming back.’

Which reminds me of this scam-

An art collector was passing by a store near the art gallery when he saw a mangy cat lapping milk from an elegant saucer in the door of a shop.  He recognized that the saucer was a rare antique, worth hundreds of not thousands of dollars.  He did not want to tip his hand so we walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replied, ‘Yes that is my cat I am sorry but the cat isn’t for sale.’

The collector said, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice.  It looks perfect.  I’ll give you twenty dollars.’

“Well, sold,’ replied the owner and handed the cat over.

‘Hey,’ continued the collector in a casual manner, ‘for twenty bucks how about throwing in that old saucer.  I will need one and the cat knows this one.’

‘Sorry, buddy, but that is my lucky saucer.  I have sold eleven cats who were drinking milk from it.’

+++++++++++++++++++++++

·         I exercise because I figure the zombies will eat the slow ones first.

·         I am absolutely convinced that the socks that go missing turn into extra Tupperware tops.

·         I love books.  I’d like to give a shout out to all the librarians…  oh, sorry.

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Blank stares.

“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is praying:  Dear Lord, you gave me youth and then you took it away. You gave me a good business and then took it away. You gave me a wonderful dog and then took him away. And many years ago you also gave me a wife.  I just wanted to remind you.......

And finally an instructional story.

At the airport after a tiring business trip a lady's return flight was delayed. She went to the airport shop, bought a book, a coffee and a small packet containing five cookies. The airport was crowded and she found a seat in the lounge, next to a stranger. After a few minutes' reading she became absorbed in her book. She took a cookie from the packet and began to drink her coffee. To her great surprise, the stranger in the next seat calmly took one of the cookies and ate it. Stunned, she couldn't bring herself to say anything, nor even to look at the stranger. Nervously she continued reading. After a few minutes she slowly picked up and ate the third biscuit. Incredibly, the stranger took the fourth cookie and ate it, then to the woman's amazement, he picked up the packet and offered her the last cookie. This being too much to tolerate, the lady angrily picked up her belongings, gave the stranger an indignant scowl and marched off to the boarding gate, where her flight was now ready. Flustered and enraged, she reached inside her purse and found an unopened package of cookies.

Golden Years JOW #885

Ah, that wonderful time of the year when there is hope the heat of the summer may someday be ameliorated and all four major sports are in play.  We were able to flip between baseball, football, and basketball – during commercial breaks while we watched Big Bang Theory.  My jokes this week focus mainly on the Golden Years.

My friend Ron described my situation thusly: There is a fine line between saying too much and saying too little.  I tend to walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus. 

Here is a story about why you need to be aware of what you are doing. 

I was ready to leave work when I realized that my keys weren't in my purse. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
After making the report, I hesitated for a while and then made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

Now that I'm older, here are some things I've discovered: 

·         I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

·         My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

·         If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

·         It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

·         Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

·         I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

·         Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

·         Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

·         It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

·         The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

·         If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

·         When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

·         It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

·         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

·         These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.  I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

++++++++++++++++++++

An old hill farming crofter trudges several miles through freezing snow to a remote chapel for Sunday service. No-one else is there, aside from the clergyman.

"I'm not sure it's worth proceeding with the service - might we do better to go back to our warm homes and a hot drink?" asks the clergyman, inviting a mutually helpful reaction from his audience of one.

"Well, I'm just a simple farmer," says the old crofter, "But when I go to feed my herd, and if only one beast turns up, I sure don't leave it hungry."

So the clergyman, feeling somewhat ashamed, delivers his service - all the bells and whistles, hymns and readings, lasting a good couple of hours - finishing proudly with the fresh observation that no matter how small the need, our duty remains. And he thanks the old farmer for the lesson he has learned.

"Was that okay?" asks the clergyman, as the two set off home.

"Well I'm just a simple farmer," says the old crofter, "But when I go to feed my herd, and if only one beast turns up, I sure don't force it to eat what I brought for the whole herd..."

==========================

A little old couple walked into a fast food restaurant. The little old man walked up to the counter, ordered the food, paid, and took the tray back to the table where the little old lady sat. On the tray was a hamburger, a small bag of fries and a drink. Carefully the old man cut the hamburger in two, and divided the fries into two neat piles. He sipped the drink and passed it to the little old lady, who took a sip and passed it back. A young man on a nearby table had watched the old couple and felt sorry for them. He offered to buy them another meal, but the old man politely declined, saying that they were used to sharing everything. The old man began to eat his food, but his wife sat still, not eating. The young continued to watch the couple. He still felt he should be offering to help. As the little old man finished eating, the old lady had still not started on her food. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating?" asked the young man sympathetically.

The old lady looked up and said politely, "I'm waiting for my turn to use the teeth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This allegedly true story, supposedly leaked by the Australian Department of Transport, concerns four Australian young men and a mobile speed camera police van. Three of the four lads engaged the speed camera operators in conversation about the camera equipment, and the number of cars caught, etc., while the fourth unscrewed the van's registration plate. Bidding the police farewell, the lads returned home, screwed the registration plate to their own car and proceeded to complete 17 very fast round trips through the speed camera's radar. The traffic penalties department subsequently issued 17 speeding tickets to itself

And finally, from Woody:

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would start to melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

 The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth 

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.  But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed. 

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!! 
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.  And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

M&M's of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?