Shy, retiring JOW #1114

 

It is sort of a shock to think of myself as old but I have been retired for twelve years. I am so old I have actually dialed on a rotary phone while listening to an 8 track tape.  I now consider adult situation warnings to mean high blood pressure, osteoporosis, and incontinence.  So here are a few bits of humor about retirees.  When I was young and living in St. Petersburg everyone wanted to retire somewhere warm.  Now I want to retire somewhere where you don’t have to run the A/C in late December, walk the dog in shorts and tee shirts and still get sweaty in the cloying heat and humidity.  I like The Woodlands, but this hot weather is just weird. 

 

What makes a man age?

A manager

 

What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job, and refuses to retire?

Flat broke!

 

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.

 

What do you call the terminator who has retired?

The Exterminator

 

My work offered to fund my retirement account exclusively in clear soups.

I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

 

Back in my day, we didn’t mess with our phones while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

 

A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked what happens next, he said: “College girls.”

 

Girl: My grandfather was remarkable.  He lived for 96 years and never used glasses.

Boy: Yeah I know. Few people drink directly from the bottle.

 

I hear there are gangs at retirement villages.

The blood clots and the cripples.

 

What is so special about the age 65?

It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job through forced retirement.

 

And speaking of retirement, you have your choices:

You can retire in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into an argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different, or It was different!

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $1500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

 

A retired man who volunteered to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals.  He told jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished his performance to one old man he said in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

The elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

And finally

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
His friends advised him: Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
Bob promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.
Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
Bob: "She seems very satisfied; in fact, she is now pregnant"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “And how is the tenant?” they asked.
Bob hung his head and replied very soberly “She’s pregnant, too.”
*Never underestimate a Senior Citizen*

 

 

Holidaze JOW #1113

The full power of the holidays are upon us.  We have much to be grateful for – we are mostly healthy at the moment, as are our loved ones.  Gas is edging back down from almost $3 a gallon.  Our world is mostly at peace.  We have enough money and plans for the future.  Who could wish for more than that?  Okay, lots of people, but they are mostly wrong.  I hope your Christmas is full of fun and family (and good luck combining those two).   Merry Christmas.

 

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.  

 

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

 

Of course some people get depressed at Christmas.  Some people are even afraid of Christmas – this is called Claustraphobia.

Some Christmas riddles.

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A: A rebel without a Claus.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?

A: You take the yule log

Q: What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar?

A: He got twelve months

 

When gingerbread men go to sleep do they use cookie sheets?

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was game console. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Game console. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her a game console..

 

Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store. 

Clerk: What do you do for a living? 

Man: I’m a tree trimmer. 

Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?

 

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

And I should include some seasonal Hanukkah jokes… even though it is over now.

Some people think it is tough to spell Hanukkah.  No problem.  There are so many different types of spelling of that holiday you can just fake it.  Sort of like the word, ‘Catsup’.   Or is it Ketchup?

++++++

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

========

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What – you didn't like the other one?"

One Hanukkah, a Jewish husband said to his wife, “I think there’s something wrong with these latkes, dear. They taste awful.”

His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they’re delicious.”

It was Hanukkah and the tiny Hungarian village was afraid they may not have any latkes because they’d run out of flour.

Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.

He said, “Don’t worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious.”

A woman looks doubtfully at her husband and asks him, “Samuel, do you think it’ll work?”

“Of course,” Samuel replies, “Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear.”

 

Some non-Holiday jokes

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

 

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

And finally

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

 

 

 

---

 [tp1]

Good Old JOW #1112

 I love Dad jokes – obviously.  When I lived in New Mexico there are bridges over dried riverbeds.  I kept telling my kids we were going from one ex-stream to another.  I have lots of old dad jokes.  Here are a few of them.

>>>>>> 

After being unhappy for many years a woman came to her son and said she was going to get a sex change operation. The son didn't fully understand but he was very supportive throughout the whole operation; then he came home.
That's when it all started, all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, the son realized something and confronted him.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just so you could do dad jokes?!"

He replied, "Oh you can see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

 

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

 

What do you call a 3.14 long sea raider?

A πrate.

 

How Long is a Chinese name.

It's not a question.

 

How does a computer nerd refresh after a long day?  He pushes F5

 

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

------------------

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need ten bucks, just lend me ten bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need five bucks. Lend me five bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."

======

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

^^^^^^

Gas stations now have a fee to fill the tires. Why do they charge for AIR?
"Inflation"

++++++

Inflation is like alcoholism.  The bad effects come later. – Milton Friedman

~~~~~

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

 

And finally, I end with an off-topic joke.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 10 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. I love prunes, you're eating a prune; this has got to be fate. Do you want to go get some coffee?"
The man shakes his head, puts down his fruit and responds,
*"It's a date!"*

 

Infantile JOW #1111

 

This is JOW #1111.  That is a lot of ones.  Then I get to thinking about onesies which led to infants.  I know most of my jokes are childish – my jokes tend to be ‘Dad jokes’ which are really at a 3^th grader level.  I, however, am always ready to go lower.  Thus my jokes this week are about the little ones, you know, kid-lets.   I hope you enjoy them.

^^^^^

Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can’t dress themselves.

 

What do you call a boat that just got a baby dinghy?
A mother ship.

What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”

 

Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.

 

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears.  He had real bears.

There is a well-known sleeping disorder.  It’s called children

 

Children who go to bed early get up early.

Children who go to bed late get up early.

 

When you start a kid on solid food it is like having a blender with no top.

 

Shower schizophrenia.  The belief you can her a child crying while you’re trying to take a shower

 

Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

 

Silence is golden.  Unless you have young children.  Then it is a warning.

 

Then there was the new father.  His wife sent him out to get a baby monitor.  He came back with a young lizard.

 

Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.

 

The maternity nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

-----

When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her four year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes," he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits."

 

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”

=====

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to a neighbor. After she listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the neighbor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When she opened the diaper, he found was i full. "Here's the problem," she explained.

"He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

++++

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son.
I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey.
I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie.
We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.
Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f‘ing freezing!"

 

Enough with the baby humor

Kid: I feel like you make up rules and stuff.

Parent: Like what?

Kid: Like if I don’t clean up my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension and no one will ever know I existed?

Parent: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.

Kid: What older brother?

Parent: Exactly

 

Without freedom of speech we would not know who the idiots are.

 

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone to call and check on my every day.  He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

 

Two old men are talking. 

One says, if you had to give up either wine or women which would you chose?”

“Depends on the year.”

 

The old doctor looked at his patient and said, “I am very concerned.  Mercury is in Uranus.”

“Gosh doc, I didn’t think you went in for that astrology stuff.”

“I don’t.  My rectal thermometer just broke.”

 

And finally from Tor

Yesterday I tried donating blood. I'll never do that again.

Too many stupid, intrusive questions, like…

Whose blood is it?

Where did it come from?

Why is it in a bucket?