Differences JOW

One recurring theme that I keep coming back to in my JOW is the eternal battle of the sexes. Men and women view the world very differently. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. Either men are more confident then women or more delusional. Most people think that 1) men are simple & women are complicated or perhaps 2) women think too much & men don’t think at all (the insensitive pigs!) Sigmund Freud claimed he was able to figure out the entire human psyche by talking with 54 neurotic Viennese housewives. That is confidence; however, even he admitted he “did not know what women want.” Women shake their heads at this; it’s easy. Except that what they want is different for every women and changes all the time. Thus men remain confused. Women tell me the reason for this confusion is very simple: men are stupid insensitive pigs.
At any rate, I have here some observations and questions about the differences between men and women. Please, if any of you understand this subject better than I do, please enlighten me.

Why is it that a man who regularly visits his mother is a mummy’s boy but a woman who does the same is a good daughter?
Or a man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.
And why does the exact same haircut cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

Of course, male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight, get hot flashes, and become crazy(ier). Male menopause - you get motorcycles.
The list of differences goes on and on and covers a whole gamut of topics.
• Sex: Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men consider driving to her place as foreplay.
• Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
• Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and wait it out, deeply embarrassed for the men.
• Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen in the light of day.
• Leg warmers: Leg warmers on women are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".
• Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men secretly kick cats.
• Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's about it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
• The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

There are other differences between men and women. For example:

Men
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Women
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

Finally, a joke, submitted by Bil,
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Traveling JOW

First, Dr. Ruth’s new antiflu product is now available. She did an online ad for it which is posted at http://noxoantiflu.com/ I think she looks very fetching. Check it out.

By the way, if you ever have trouble getting the Joke of the Week, you can always catch me online at http://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com/
Travel has been on my mind lately, so when Linda suggested I try a travel-based JOW I leapt at the chance. Here are some observations about travel by land, air, and sea.


"Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country, from coast to coast, without seeing anything." -Charles Kuralt
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Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando─ “When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.” “If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

==========================

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitchhiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to LA.
“For God’s sake!” he screamed, “Someone could have attacked you and raped you!”
“I wasn’t ever in no danger at all”, she said, trying to calm him down. “As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to LA because that’s where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.”

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An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.
Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.
The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol".
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess and said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

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Some day I intend to go on a cruise. Okay, I have cruised many, many thousand miles at sea; I mean a cruise on a ship that doesn’t have a big gun on the bow. Not that I need the calories; the daily value of consumed food on a typical cruise liner exceeds the gross national product of Peru. You arrive looking like Oscar de la Hoya and leave looking like Oscar Mayer. At any rate, here are some cruise ship jokes.

Silly Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
Do these steps go up or down?
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Does the ship make its own electricity?
What elevation are we at?
There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

Signs you are on a Senior Cruise
- You’re surrounded by more wrinkled faces than a Shar-Pei convention
- Passenger abuse of hairspray has led to a new hole in the ozone layer, located directly above the cruise ship
- Shuffleboard is considered an athletic event
- The olives in your martini have been replaced with Geritol capsules. And your martini has been replaced with prune juice.
- The nightly entertainment begins with the Early Bird Special at 4:00 PM.

Signs you have chosen the wrong cruise line
- Your cruise director used to be a guard at Leavenworth Prison.
- Your chief purser is an old mafia leg-breaker who settles accounts by any means necessary.
- On that note, your cabin stewards are running a protection racket.
- Your cruise line's executive chef is your old lunch lady from junior high.
- "Fielding's Worldwide Cruises" gave the ship you're on a "Four Iceberg" rating.
- You take a tour of the bridge only to find the captain setting course to play "chicken" with another cruise liner.
- Your ship was featured in a recent production known as "The Lust Boat".
- The DJ in the disco only plays "The Macarena.”
- Instead of chocolate on your pillow, you get a piece of Clove chewing gum.
- When the deckhands run out of paint thinner, they use the ship’s coffee
- The towel animals have fur on them.

Happy 5770 JOW

Well, here it is 5770 already; Rosh Hashanah will be celebrated on September 18 this year. In recognition of this minor Jewish holiday, my JOW will be on Jewish humor; there is a huge body to choose from. These are mostly of the Jewish American flavor. That means not too many esoteric references. I do have some classic Jewish Mother jokes, Chinese food references, and a couple based on Bar Mitzvahs. Good stuff. Enjoy─


One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he finally gets there he can't find any parking places. He looks and looks, but he just doesn't find one. Finally he prays to God and says. "Elohim, if you find me a parking spot I will go to the temple every Saturday morning and I will never lie again." Two minutes later he finds one and says, "Never mind I found one!"


An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


A Jewish man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 18 days four hours."
The son then asked, "Why you haven't eaten in 18 days four hours!?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."


"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"


So one guy starts telling a joke to his friend: "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."


A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?


Two wasps buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks wasp number one. "Not too good," says wasp two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first wasp has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on; there will be plenty of flowers and fruit."
Wasp number two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-wasp.
"Great!" says buddy-wasp.
The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to see that I was a wasp."

Patience of Job Interview

“Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.”- Horace. I am still waiting for some useful talents to show up because prosperity is certainly been dormant lately. I did have a good match at the State Pistol Championships this weekend; I competed to the best of my ability. I was in the largest division- the Sharpshooters Classification, shooting standard 9 mm pistols. There were 30 competitors in my Division. Unfortunately one of them was REALLY good. He beat me by a comfortable margin. “Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.”- Roger C. Anderson I finished second; however I did well enough to get bumped up in my classification from Sharpshooter to Expert. This does not trouble me; I scored better than all the Expert shooters except one and he got bumped into the Masters level.
Between my search for gainful employment and Labor Day, I thought I would share some job search jokes, specifically some comments by job applicants.

A man posted a sign in his shop window: ‘Help wanted. Must know Work, Excel, and be Bi-Lingual.”
A dog comes by and examines the sign. He comes inside, takes the sign in his mouth, takes it to the owner and puts it on his desk.
“Woof.”
The owner is amused. “So you want the job do you?”
“Woof.”
“Well, you have to know Word.”
The dog immediately goes to a terminal and using his paws begins to type away.
The owner is amazed. “Well,” he finally said, “You gotta do Excel, too.”
“Woof,” and the dog brings up a spreadsheet and starts doing data entry.
“I can’t hire a dog,” protested the astonished owner.
“Woof?”
“Because the job requires you to be bi-lingual,” he explained pointing at the sign.
The dog looks at the man, grins and says, “Meow.”

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If you apply for a job at IKEA do they tell you to “Make a chair and take a seat?”

Here is bizarre behavior reported about people interviewing for a job; I believe most of them.
• Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Brought her large dog to the interview.
• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
• Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
• Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
• Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
• Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
• Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
• Asked why she was interested in changing jobs, the woman replied "I really like to shop. And the shopping in midtown is much better than the shopping on Long Island.
• One fellow listed his mother as a reference. They called her. She said, "I wouldn't hire him; he's not very dependable."

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)
• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
• "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

School Daze JOW

It is September and school has started. The beginning of school is way more important than this weekend’s Texas State Pistol Championship. Not only that, mentioning said championship would probably jinx me from a possible trophy. And there are way more jokes about school then shooting.
So that is why my JOW this week has a definite scholarly bent.

A child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he fearfully approached his teacher and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

Things have changed since I was in school.

Forty years ago: Miss Lichtig received an apple from an anonymous student and showed it to her fellow teachers.
Today: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.

Forty years ago: Ed Navis, the class clown, was caught reading Playboy.
Today: Ms. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.

Forty years ago: Nurse Dweezel treated the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
Today: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.

Forty years ago: students found mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
Today: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.

Forty years ago: classes began with "Show and Tell.
Today: classes begins with “Stop and Frisk.”

Some of you are aware my third book is almost done. I can hardly wait so I can resume work on my third book. That means I have to start thinking about writing again. Here are some rejected analogies.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• He caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

And in conclusion, an English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery

The prize-winner wrote:

"My God," said the Queen,
"I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"