This week has ‘birthdays’ as a theme. One nice thing about getting older is that you seem to be less poor. When I was younger I was so poor the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older. Now that I am older it seems like I have everything I want, except of course, to be young again. But birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays generally live the longest.
Here are some observations and a couple jokes.
As you get older things change. You know you are getting older when:
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your best friend is dating someone half his age…and he isn’t breaking any laws.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with “Dr.”
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Everything either hurts or doesn't work.
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• The gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
• When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Factoid: If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (statistically speaking).
========================================
"What would you most like for your birthday?" a husband inquired of his wife.
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
=======================================
A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or look up.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
For Better or Worse JOW
There is a wedding in our neighborhood this week so the whole topic of marriage is on my mind. Like the battle of the sexes, I have lots of material to draw from. First, a joke, then some observations.
===============
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears; there were only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."
A poetic thought on marriage:
If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back its yours,
if it doesn't it never was...
...but if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV,
unaware that it's been set free,
you probably married it...
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
• 1st year -- "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
• 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
===========================
Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
Bennett said, "I sent them paper plates as my wedding gift."
=======================
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
========================
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.
And some final thoughts on the institution:
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married that's their own fault.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
===============
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears; there were only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."
A poetic thought on marriage:
If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back its yours,
if it doesn't it never was...
...but if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV,
unaware that it's been set free,
you probably married it...
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
• 1st year -- "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
• 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
===========================
Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
Bennett said, "I sent them paper plates as my wedding gift."
=======================
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
========================
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.
And some final thoughts on the institution:
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married that's their own fault.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It is that magical time of year for men─ last night I could watch baseball, football, AND basketball, all at the same time. Adding to the excitement, a major Seniors Golf Tournament is being held here in the Woodlands this week. Famous over-50 golfers will be playing in the course in our neighborhood. Senior Tournaments are different than the ones with younger players:
• The biggest noises on the course are their bones creaking
• They use a cart just to get to the car
• They have three walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.
I have a complicated relationship with golf. It's a hard game to figure. One day I would go out and slice the ball and shank it, hit into all the water hazards and miss every green. Then, the next day I would go out and for no reason at all really stink. I think golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The man that invented "golf" and said that it was "fun" is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes" and said it was "music."
================================
An American golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland sliced his opening drive out of bounds. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that hitting another ball like that is called a Mulligan." He asks if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a three."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five."
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
I have been harsh about golf, but there are some good things about golf compared to other sports:
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike baseball, players don’t scratch their crotch before each swing.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each swing.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to wear hearing protection
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike hockey, the players have all their teeth
and best of all─
Unlike wrestling, the spectators have all their teeth.
• The biggest noises on the course are their bones creaking
• They use a cart just to get to the car
• They have three walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.
I have a complicated relationship with golf. It's a hard game to figure. One day I would go out and slice the ball and shank it, hit into all the water hazards and miss every green. Then, the next day I would go out and for no reason at all really stink. I think golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The man that invented "golf" and said that it was "fun" is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes" and said it was "music."
================================
An American golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland sliced his opening drive out of bounds. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that hitting another ball like that is called a Mulligan." He asks if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a three."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five."
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
I have been harsh about golf, but there are some good things about golf compared to other sports:
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike baseball, players don’t scratch their crotch before each swing.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each swing.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to wear hearing protection
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike hockey, the players have all their teeth
and best of all─
Unlike wrestling, the spectators have all their teeth.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Timely JOW
We took a little working vacation last weekend to Natchez for a booksigning. It was such a wonderful trip it seemed like we were gone for a week, yet we were home by Saturday night. I will finish up my little write up complete with photos and make it available for those you are interested.
It seems as I get older there is never enough time. That is my theme for this JOW, time.
Remember, if you are careful and abstemious you can add up to six additional months to the end of your life which you will probably spend in some assisted care facility at $7,000 month.
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... six-ish or seven-ish...."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A psychologist asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind. The main thing is that we talked about it."
A man named his three dogs Rolex, Timex, and Omega. When questioned as to the source of those names, the owner replies. “Well, they are watch dogs.”
Finally from Mary Ellen:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pries. After the priest left he turned to the beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
It seems as I get older there is never enough time. That is my theme for this JOW, time.
Remember, if you are careful and abstemious you can add up to six additional months to the end of your life which you will probably spend in some assisted care facility at $7,000 month.
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... six-ish or seven-ish...."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A psychologist asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind. The main thing is that we talked about it."
A man named his three dogs Rolex, Timex, and Omega. When questioned as to the source of those names, the owner replies. “Well, they are watch dogs.”
Finally from Mary Ellen:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pries. After the priest left he turned to the beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
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