Open Wide JOW #1080

 I have had a lot of dental work over the years.  I pretty much know the drill by now.  Dentists have been the source of abuse over the years since 20^th century dentistry could be ‘uncomfortable’, which is a word medical professionals use for ‘painful’.  Modern dentistry is vastly improved, but the old perceptions, and jokes, still linger on.  Here are a few jokes mostly centered on dentists and dentation.

But before I start on dentists I have include a joke I left off last week.  That JOW was about psychiatrists, the theme suggested by a joke sent from Dick.  I forgot to include the joke that gave me the theme.  Here it is:

Patient: “Doctor, I think I am falling in love with you.”

Psychiatrist: “That is totally inappropriate.  In fact, I shouldn't even be lying on the couch with you.”

^^^^^

A man and a woman are traveling on a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Great! Are you single?
Woman: No. I’m a dentist.

~~~~

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

 

They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

 

The Flossoraptor was a carnivorous dinosaur with impeccable dental hygiene

 

A group of nagging dentists discovered a new chemical element.  It’s called Flossphorus.

 

Dental riddles

·         What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.

 

·         Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?

Dracula's dentist.

 

·         Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.

 

·         What does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque.

 

·         What did the monster eat after he’d had his tooth taken out?
The dentist.

 

·         Why should you be nice to your dentist?
Because they have fillings too.

 

·         What do you call a dentist who can’t stop working on teeth?
An abscessive compulsive.

 

·         Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.

 

·         What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?
Fill me in when you get back.

 

·         Why did the dentist make a poor date for the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail!

 

·         What game did the dentist play when he was a child?
Caps and robbers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good God!" he said startled.
"You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient.
"I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

========

The dentist says my teeth are like a string of pearls.
Each one has a hole through it!

+++++++

A local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs.
To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for 10 years and never knew he was a dentist.

^^^^^^

Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?
A month later he was picking his teeth.

>>>>>> 

Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
I don’t know; the dentist kept it.

<<<<<<< 

Left my comb at the dentist.
Now it’s a fine-toothed comb.

```````

The FBI just raided a local dentist office.
They are currently performing a cavity search.

--------

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.

*****

Dentist: You need a crown.
Patient: Finally, someone who understands me.

>>>>>>> 

Father: Don’t you feel better now that you’ve gone to the dentist?
Son: Sure do… he wasn’t there.

<<<<< 

A man got kicked out of the dentist’s office for using all the nitrous oxide…
He got the last laugh, though.

 

And finally,

A posh restaurant was looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, had a recommendation: "You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit disheveled, hair unkempt, and reeking of booze. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"Thoughts While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh...kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more up tempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called ‘My gums are Bleeding’."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments.   Suddenly he is struck with a bad and urgent case of diarrhea. Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off and rushes to the bathroom ease his pain. As soon as he is finished he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished a woman asked Stu, "Excuse me, do you know you have a piece of toilet paper on your shoe?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I WROTE it!"

The Incredible Shrinking JOW #1079

 I am uncertain how psychiatrists earned the term‘shrink’.  Once a standard feature of the intelligentsia, they have lately been supplanted lately by councilors and psychologists.  What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”  A psychiatrist is also someone who will listen to you as long as you don’t make sense. 

Here are some jokes about the tribe of shrinks.

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

>>>>>>>> 

Andy: “I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.”
Psychiatrist: “Is it recurring?”
Andy: “Not as far as anyone can tell.”

<<<<<<< 

Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

It had cycle logical problems

````````

A naked guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...

"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

+++++++++

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

……

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office when his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a Murder!?"

A German joke

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and understands that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrist’s office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"

==========

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."

The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

 

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.”

The younger looking one replies, “Who listens?”

^^^^^

A man told his girlfriend he was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told him that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

>>>> 

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

------

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: “200 dollars, please.”

------

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I’ll deal with you later!

 

Receptionist: “Doctor, there is a man out her who wants an appointment.  He says he is invisible.”

Psychiatrist: “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

=======

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.

Psychiatrist: What, Wait!…who said that?

A longer shrink joke

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my job is so stressful, I can't sleep, I think I'm depressed!
The psychiatrist listens and says, "Ah, yes, I have a prescription for that," and sends the man on his way.
A month later the man comes back and the doctor asks how he's doing. "Terrible," he says, "The medication made me sleep all the time and I lost my job! Now I'm anxious that my wife will leave me."
"I have a prescription for that," says the psychiatrist, and sends the man on his way.
A month later the man comes back and the doctor, again, asks how he's doing. "Terrible! I can't get an erection anymore and my wife left me, she's taking the house in the divorce. I'm so upset I can't eat."
"I have a prescription for that," says the psychiatrist, and sends the man on his way for a third time.
The man comes back a month later and the psychiatrist asks how he's doing. "Terrible! The medication made me gain weight and now I have diabetes! I can't afford the insulin- in fact I'm homeless now. I don't even have the money for this visit."
The psychiatrist listens intently and says, "Well, you are no longer stressed by your job, unable to sleep, worried about your marriage, or unable to eat. Isn't it nice to be cured?"

 

A woman went to the psychiatrist for a consult. "Doctor, I don't ever want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist I get married. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist: "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not occur as you expected. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes your plans don't work. Sometimes your wishes won't come true. Who will you blame at that moment? Will you blame yourself?"
Woman: "No! Absolutely NOT!"
The psychiatrist: "YES. That's why you need a HUSBAND! "

And finally, on a different note.

At a suburban dinner party, a curvaceous blonde was the center of attraction. She stood in the middle of the room surrounded by almost every male in the place.
Finally, one woman turned to her husband and meowed, "I don't see what they see in her."
"I don't either," replied her husband as he started across the room. "I think I'll take a closer look."

 

 

Warning Notice JOW #1078

 We have all seen those warning notices on everything from tools to toilet paper.  Apparently common sense and self-reliance have become so rare that we have to explicitly warn people about the most ridiculous things.  The problem is, of course, that we have all become so inured to these warnings that we tend to disregard actually important warnings on things like pesticides.  These notices are all driven by well-meaning but stifling over-regulation and fear of litigation.  Some of these warnings might have been written by hyper-cautions attorneys, and some seem to be imported with dubious translations.  All of the following are actual warnings attached to a wide variety of products.

Warning: Do not read these jokes while operating machinery.

Dumb Warning Messages
“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 caliber rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Do not stop the chain with your hands or genitals.” – On a Husqvarna chainsaw.  Who said Norwegians do not have a sense of humor.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“This costume does not enable flight or super strength” -Product: Frankel's Costume Superman costumes

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.  (You can’t be too safe.)

Warning label on a letter opener: “Safety goggles recommended before use.”

“Not intended for highway usage”   - on a wheelbarrow.

“Remove child before folding.” on a baby stroller

“Remove child before washing.”   On some children’s clothing

”Do not put any person in this washer.” -Product: Huebsch Washing Machine

“Do not eat iPod Shuffle.” - Warning label on Apple’s website

“Warning label on a carpenter’s electric drill”: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

 “This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.” - Product: Dremel rotary tool

“SPCS precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into penis” (with helpful illustration.)

Here are a few more warning labels

Warning label on a dishwasher: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

Warning label on a box of rat poison: “Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.”

Warning label on a hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”

Warning label on a brass fishing hook: “Harmful if swallowed.”

Warning label on a can of pepper spray: “May irritate eyes.”

Warning label on a bar of soap: “Use like regular soap.”

Warning label on a takeout coffee cup: Avoid pouring on the crotch area.

And finally, a non-related joke.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Cheery words of wisdom JOW 1077

 Words are wisdom are in short supply.  Not the words, the wisdom.  Instead of sharing wise sayings we tend to spout shallow memes.  My JOW starts with a few wise and amusing observations and then, predictably, goes downhill.  I do hope you enjoy them.

Woody sent me some words of wisdom from 1930’s comedian and social commentator Will Rodgers.

·         Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco

·         Never kick a cow chip on a hot day

·         There are two theories about arguing with a woman.  Neither one works.

·         Never drink upstream from the herd.

·         Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in

·         Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The 80’s equivalent of Will Rodgers was Norm from the comedy show ‘Cheers’.  Every time Norm would enter the bar he would have an exchange with Woody the barkeep.  Here are some examples:

'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'
'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

‘How’s your wife, Norm?’
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.'

And my personal favorite:

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'

There were some brands of popsicles that put jokes on the sticks.  Do they still do that?  Anyway, here are some Popsicle-style jokes. 

How does a thread get to school?
A spool bus.

Why did the man hold his shoe to his ear?
Because he liked sole music.

What crew mans a haunted ship?
A skeleton crew.

Where do dogs hate to shop?
The flea market.

Where do cows go for entertainment?
Moo-vies.

What do golfers love to drink?
A cup of tee.

Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?
A meatball.

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The pavement!

How did the computer catch a fish?
With its internet.

Why can’t you play soccer with pigs?
They hog the ball.

What kind of pets does a band have?
Trumpets.

What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

Where were pencils invented?
PENCIL-vania.

How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

What did Mr. & Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
Patty.

Why are frogs rarely angry?
They eat whatever bugs them.

Where does an elephant keep its suitcase?
In its trunk.

Enough with the observations.  Here are some non-sequitur jokes:

·         What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

·         Why did Katie break open her piggy bank? She ran out of money.

·         What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator.

·         What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

·         Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

·         If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… Then my illegal logging company is a success.

·         How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.

·         I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.

·         What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing? Drinking alcohol.

·         How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

·         I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to get out of his fort.

·         You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

·         Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.

·         You know what they say? Words.

·         What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon? Does my breath smell like garbage?

·         I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

·         Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along.

·         Learn sign language. It’s very handy.

·         Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.

·         What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician? A tattoo.

·         Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty good spring and summer too.

·         What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

And finally, a joke for Woody

A man was sun bathing at a nude beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A tipsy woman walked past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."