A Relative JOW #1271

I recently went to a nice family reunion back in Pensacola.  Reunions are like parties, but with people you actually want to see, people you don’t see as often as you should except at events like funerals.  Funerals are like family reunions - minus one.  We had a full crew for this reunion and it was a lot of fun.  That got me thinking about family and family relations.   Here are some jokes in that vein.

 

What makes redneck family reunions so awkward?

Seeing all of your ex's there.

 

In Alabama they televise the World’s Largest Outdoor Family Reunion.  Most people just call it the Alabama vs Auburn game.

 

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning.

Runs in the family

 

A husband and wife were arguing about their families.  Finally, the husband relented.   "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

 

Siblings: People you either plan to murder or plan a murder with.

 

Siblings: the only people who truly understand the craziness that runs in your family.

 

My sister said she was thinking about going to Europe again, like last year.

I told her I didn't know she traveled to Europe last year.

She replied that she didn't, she just thought about going.

 

What do you say to your sister when she starts crying?

“Are you having a crisis?”

 

Big sister: I make the rules.

Middle sister: I’m the reason we have rules. 

Little brother: The rules don’t apply to me.

 

My sister hates it when I invade her privacy.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

 

Becoming a father is fun and easy.

Being one is a harder job.

 

How did Vader know what he was getting for Father’s Day?

He felt Luke’s presents.

 

My dad always taught me to share my toys with my siblings. It wasn’t that he wanted me to develop social skills, it’s because he was a cheapskate that wanted to spend less money on toys.

 

Boy: “Dad, can you explain a solar eclipse to me?”

Dad: “No sun.”

 

Dad told mom he wanted to keep the kids every other weekend.

The mom reminded him that they were still married, and he would have to see them every day.

 

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.

Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

 

And I will never forget what my dad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.

“Watch how far I can kick this bucket, son.”

 

My Uncle used to say, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

 

How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

 

What do you call the lion who ate your mother’s sister?

An Aunt-eater

 

My family has a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother’s sister at family get togethers.

I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster, but they just keep upping the ante each year.

 

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally get it done.

 

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Liters! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.

 

And finally, a long off-topic joke.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland! First concert I ever went to on my own.

Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college, and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He knew how much my sister and I loved prunes, so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit, sighed and responds sadly,
"It's a date."