I will not be doing the JOW for the rest of the month because I will be trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for 23 days. Of course, it’s kind of what I paid for. I enjoy going on cruises. My wife is not onboard with that, though. When my wife told her suitcase she wouldn’t be taking a cruise this year she had to deal with emotional baggage. With a long cruise in my immediate future, my mind turned to jokes about cruising on the sea.
Do
you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship? Don’t worry,
it’s a quick one-liner.
Holland
America Cruises, have ships with names like Volendam, Westerndam, Noordam, and
Eurodam. They have a lot of dam ships.
Did
you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now
everyone is jumping on board.
Q: What
keeps a dock floating above water?
A: Pier
pressure.
Q: What
type of vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?
A: Leeks
Q: Why
couldn’t the cruisers play cards?
A: Because
they were standing on the deck!
A
very nervous first-time cruiser met the captain at the welcome reception.
“Do
ships like this sink very often?” he asked.
“No,”
said the captain. “Usually it’s just the once.”
A
friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day
Sadly,
he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned.
At the funeral service, I gave his family a life preserver.
It's what he would have wanted.
Two
bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both
clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague
couldn’t swim, says,
“I
think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”
The
other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”
A
cruise ship passenger is looking out to sea when he sees a small island. On the
island, he spots a thin, suntanned man with wild hair. He can see the man
jumping up and down and waving.
The
passenger turns around and sees the captain, so he draws his attention to the
man.
“Captain,
what’s up with that guy?”
The
captain shrugged his shoulders.
“No
idea. He’s always does that when we sail past.”
A
lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with two drops of
water.
She
says: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 75th birthday and it’s today!”
“Congratulations!”
says the bartender. “This one’s on me.”
As
she finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I’d like to buy you a
drink too”
“Thank
you,” says the lady. “I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water”.
As
the bartender gave her the drink, he asked the lady, “I’m so curious. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?
The
old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your
liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
A
rich guy took a cruise to a tropical island and decided to sunbathe on the
beach. Wanting an even tan, he took off his luxury watch and slipped it into
his pocket.
Back
on board at the end of the day, he realized that his watch was gone. It must
have fallen out of his pocket. Too embarrassed to admit he’d lost such an
expensive item, he decided not to tell anyone.
A
moment later, the captain’s voice came on the loudspeaker. “Ladies and
gentlemen, this is an announcement to the passenger who lost the Rolex Pearl Master
on the beach…the time is now 6:54 PM.”
One
day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until he fell overboard one
night.
He
washed up on a remote island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas and coconuts.
After about a month, he is lying on the beach one day when a woman rows up to
the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I live."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "I have a full set
of tools where I am living on the other side of the island.
The
guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a
tour." She soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to
shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't
take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not just coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a
still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on
her couch to talk. After they exchange their stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to
take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone “This woman is
amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing a beautiful outfit made from
strategically positioned flowers and leaves. She then beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
"Tell me, “She begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, " When
was the last time you played around?”
He
can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly
as tears start to form in his eyes.
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
