The
holidays are here in full force. I
always associate this time of year with fall and the onset of winter. I do not associate it with low temperatures
in the mid 70’s. It is way too hot to be
Thanksgiving. That said, the calendar
says it is time for Thanksgiving – and I am genuinely thankful for all my many
blessings and look forward to the feast itself.
I have some jokes about Thanksgiving and pies and such. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
For
those who need hints on how to take a nap in a chair after Thanksgiving dinner,
let me offer some hints.
Be
old
Sit
in a chair after dinner
Pavlov's
dogs have started a charity for the holidays...
It's
called "The Salivation Army"
What
do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?
Seasons
greetings
Where
do bears go for winter holidays?
Hiber-Nation
In
the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off my unhealthy habit of eating too
many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.
This
year I'm going to quit cold turkey.
How
do you end an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?
Click
the 'End Meeting' button
Why
don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?
Because
they hate Turkey
Why
don’t turkeys mind thanksgiving?
Because
they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents
Why
don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving?
It’s
too fowl. Actually, it’s three fowls
An
exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving
and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks.
"Do
you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?"
"Yes,"
the butcher sighs.
"So
which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender asks.
The
butcher sighs again, "The outside."
A
man went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on
the menu, home-cooked pie.
"Excuse
me, love." he said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is
cold."
"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away from
here."
Speaking
of pie, or pi rather.
What
do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin-pi!
I
love pie.
I
could eat it 22/7. (A fractional joke)
I
think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s
irrational.
What
letter can be made into a pie?
P
can
What
did they call the first person to bake a pie?
A
pie-oneer.
In
Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs
$5.50.
These
are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Chicken
pot pie.
My
three favorite things. How about you?
A
guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.
He
calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”
Did
you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?
He's
a squashbuckling pirate
A
man’s wife threw a pie in his face and stormed out of the house.
He
was desserted!
I
was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.
And
then it hit me.
Some
good old knock, knock jokes
Knock,
knock.
Who's there?
Ben!
Ben who?
Ben waiting for Thanksgiving all year!
Knock,
knock.
Who's there?
Gladys!
Gladys who?
Gladys finally Thanksgiving Day!
Knock,
knock.
Who's there?
Dishes!
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad Thanksgiving joke!
Knock,
knock.
Who’s there?
Gwen.
Gwen who?
Gwen do we finally get to eat Thanksgiving dinner?
Enough
of the holiday theme
My
roommate in college always gave us advice on what psychedelics to try on
different holidays.
He
was the original trip advisor.
And
old people are not being lazy. We are
just energy efficient.
At
my age the best part of waking up is realizing you did not die in our sleep
The
problem is that younger me did not realize there would be an older me.
I
need a new friend. The last one escaped.
As
I have gotten older I have learned that pleasing everybody is impossible. On the other hand, pissing everybody off is a
piece of cake.
An
Irish Toast
My
you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live.
French
Toast
Eggs,
bread, cinnamon, and syrup
A
guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your
place?" the bartender asks.
"Oh,
it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped
out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace
and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says.
"So, I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."
Finally, as a public service I am providing
women some useful tips.
Ladies, sometimes you just have to tell your husband a
really long, meandering story involving people he doesn't really know doing
things that don't pertain to him. The important thing is knowing when the
right time is to do it.
Here are the perfect times to interrupt what he's doing
to tell him a story:
·
The
last two minutes of his team's playoff game: The tighter the score, the
better.a
·
When
he turns his nightstand lamp off and lays his head on his pillow: He
wouldn't do those things if he actually wanted to sleep.
·
On
a long car ride: It's not like he can go anywhere.
·
When
he's halfway out the door to go hang out with the guys: You can also try
stopping the story to do something else and make him wait for you to come back
to the story.
·
As
soon as he's holding something incredibly heavy: Make sure you don't start
until after he has already lifted it, though.
·
When
you can tell he needs to go to the bathroom: Hearing you out is far more
important than urgent bodily functions.
