My jokes this week are about holy matrimony; you know that promise to have and to hold for better or worse… with no expiration date. There are lots of jokes and observations about that institution: here are some:
A
man doesn’t know what true happiness is until he’s married. And then it’s too
late.
Single
guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most
married men
Marriage
is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.
A
retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
Love
is a long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
Marriage
is just planning for dinner while eating breakfast.
Do
you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were
perfectly suited for each other.
The
wedding made everyone so emotional, even the cake was in tiers
Marriage
is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide
which one.
You're
the other half to my equation and then sum.
When
she told us her fiancée was an author, we knew she had found Mr Write.
Marriage is realizing that "I’ll do it in a minute" has no actual concept of time attached to it.
Marriages
are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.
At
every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those
who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Wife:
“Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you
do that?”
Husband:
“How can I? I don’t even know her.”
A
wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life
vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”
I
just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the
groom was glowing
A
man fell in love with a pencil. The
problems began when he introduced his parents to his bride, 2B.
My
wife says I never listen... or something like that.
Or put another way,
Wife:
“You never listen to me!”
Husband: “Sure, I’ll have another beer.”
What
do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out
clothes.
My
wife and I have been married for over 25 years, and she still drives me
crazy. Lucky for her, I’m an excellent navigator.
The
only time my wife agrees with me is when I say I’m wrong.
I
accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick. She still isn't talking to me.
My
wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a
waiting game.
When
I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told
her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals.
Here
is a poem about marriage from Ogden Nash
"To
keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup,
whenever
you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up."
Which
led to some marriage quotes
"In
every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf." —Ruth
Bader Ginsburg
"My
most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to
marry me." —Winston Churchill
The
trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then
marry him." —Cher
"Behind
every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" —Jim Carrey
"Marry
a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." —Phyllis
Diller
If
it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults
at all.
"I'm
married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be
willing to marry me." —Fiona Shaw
A
trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside
Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, “I want
your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”
The
Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my
prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”
The
trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny—I’m just homesick.”
A
very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became
highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an
engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and
soon the children’s spouses and own children began to join in.
including
a number of highly respectable lawyers.
Then one Christmas, the patriarch stood and said “Children, we don’t
want to ruin this holiday for you, but there is something we need to tell
you….your mother and I were…never actually married.”
The matriarch bursts out sobbing and her husband comforts her. Everyone stares
in shock at the scene and nobody says a word.
Finally, the wife of one of the lawyers says, “Well don’t just stand there—one
of you bastards say something.”
And
finally a left-over nun joke
While
shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun
said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a
hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel
comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the
checkout counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a
six pack and headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a
six pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of
sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a
package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then
looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on
the house."
