For the Birds JOW #1297

For no particular reason, I have decided to make my jokes about crows this week.  They are very interesting birds; intelligent, sociable, and sometimes a little scary.  When I ran out of crow jokes, I had to include some other bird jokes.  I hope these little jokes amuse you.

 

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

 

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

 

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

 

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

 

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenger car.
This seemed so statistically unlikely that the city engaged some experts from a local university to study the matter and determine the explanation. What they eventually discovered was that when scavenging, crows always post a sentinel in a nearby tree to warn of the approach of predators or other dangers. The difficulty turned out to be that the crows had no trouble saying “Cah!” but absolutely could not pronounce “truck”.

 

If a group of crows is a murder what is a group of Karen's?

A Homeowners Association.

And what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

 

A crow was arrested and put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.
Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."
"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."
"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said.
"So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang out?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all too busy to come by anyway"
"You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied.  "They've got you on attempted murder!”

 

Here are some non-crow bird jokes.

 

One bird goes to the other “How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
The other bird replies, “Well I’m pretty sure Toucan”.

 

Guy: I am great at identifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

 

You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to work

 

Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!

 

What kind of bird runs the church?
A cardinal!

 

Why are there so many hawks and eagles in the church steeple?
Because they are birds of pray.

 

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?
it might be an illeagle

 

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing

 

What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

 

What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane.

 

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

‘He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker.’

 

What bird brings babies? 

A stork.

What bird prevents babies?

A swallow

 

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It’s called Chirpes.
It's one of those canarial diseases.
I hear it's untweetable.

……

God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"
God: "Uh ok"
Adam: "Boobie"
God: "Stop naming them after breasts"
Adam: *Looks at rooster*

^^^^^^

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.  So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “Hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?”
The vultures look up and one of them gestures to the center of their group, revealing a dead deer and says “nothing officer, we were just on our lunch break”
The Sheriff nods and says understandingly “Oh I see, carrion then”

~~~~~~

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch, it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing headfirst into the ground.
Slightly dazed, the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again, he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes headfirst into the ground.
This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.
The birds look at one another when the male bird says: “I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.”

And finally, a supposedly true story

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten- or fifteen-minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the flocks of birds to get off the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.

 

 

 

Awakened JOW #1296

This week I am providing some jokes making fun of the current Progressive movement.  With the Internet and social media available to anyone there are no longer any filters, so the crazies now have a voice.  Make no mistake, the right wing has its own nut jobs who are just as ridiculous.  I often thought liberal comedian Bill Mahar had Representative Marjory Tailor Green on retainer for all the silly stuff she sometimes spouts.  But the left has been outdoing them for nonsense for a while.  What makes them irresistible to my sense of humor is the insufferable arrogance and self-righteousness which desperately needs to be pierced.  A ‘woke’ joke or more correctly an anti-woke joke is a joke that makes fun of how sensitive and overly politically correct society has become. Many people are keen to have anything that may be deemed slightly offensive to someone cancelled immediately and this has provided us with some hilarious jokes. 

 

A quote:

“Never say a humorous thing to someone who doesn't possess a sense of humor.  He will always use it in evidence against you.”

 

Some riddles

Why did the tofu refuse to perform stand-up comedy?

It didn’t want to be a part of the tasteless jokes.

 

Why won’t the progressive person laugh at a joke?

Because they’re still analyzing whether it respects all economic, racial, and social constructs.

 

How does a woke person respond to sarcasm?

“I recognize your performative humor, but I still find it problematic.”

 

Why were people flocking to the gender neutral mine?
Because there’s gold in them/their hills.

 

How do you invite a woke friend to dinner?

Very carefully, with assurances of ethical consumption and inclusivity.

 

What’s the official drink of social justice warriors?

Organic, fair-trade grievance tea.

 

What is the name of the new woke superhero?

Captain Virtue-Signal!

 

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to protest in favor of natural, solar-powered lighting.

 

How many climate activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to “light up” their social media feeds instead.

 

How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb?
“DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?”

 

How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just kidding, social justice warriors can’t change anything.

 

What is a woke pirate’s favorite letter?

None. Letters are colonizers of thought.

 

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?
It’s hard to say, she’s already woke.

 

How do you know if you are a privileged white straight male?
A feminist will tell you.

 

What’s the difference between a gun and a Progressive?
Guns only have one trigger.

 

What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality.

 

Do you know that there are only 10 genders?
It’s the gender binary.

 

What do you call a group of gay people in the wild?
A pride.

 

What’s a racist, homophobe, sexist, bigot, or hater?
Anyone winning an argument with a progressive.

 

What is Batman’s superpower?
White Privilege.

 

What is it called when brown envelopes aren’t delivered as quickly as white ones?
White Mail Privilege.

 

Why does Walter get to keep more of the drug money than Jessie?
White privilege.

 

Chess has been declared racist.  Think about which color is first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.

 

Why did the activist cross the road?

To protest on both sides.

 

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?
Stay Woke.

 

What is the difference between the internet and the North Pole?

The internet has more snowflakes.

 

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

 

What do you call a progressive who is afraid of germs?

A Social Distance Warrior

 

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

 

What do liberal arts majors yell when overwhelmed?

Oh,the humanities!

 

An amazing new movie was released about a disabled seagull with a broken wing that learned to fly. Unfortunately, the woke media mob ensured that it was immediately cancelled.

They were upset that a movie about a right-wing extremist was in the public eye.

 

Apparently, some clouds are starting to be cancelled.

People are not happy that they were throwing shade at people.

 

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a few drinks of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.
The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.
Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

And finally

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' 
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed with pride.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Toothful JOW #1295

 

I am getting oral surgery today so dental matters are on my mind, or should I say, in my head.   I know a fair number of jokes about dentists and thought I would share them with you this week.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Some dental riddles

 

What did the lawyer say to the Dentist?

"Do you promise to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

 

What did the lawyer demand before the dentist worked on him?
A retainer.

 

If a kid has 25 candy bars and they eat 22 of them, what do they have?

Cavities.

 

What award did the dentist win?

A little plaque.

 

What’s the dentist’s favorite kind of dinosaur?

A floss-iraptor.

 

Why did the dentist and the manicurist break up?
They fought tooth and nail.

 

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

 

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

 

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled? 

Dentist: $100. Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive. 

Dentist: Don’t worry, I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

 

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

 

Until it came out in conversation, no one knew he had a loose crown.

 

I referred to my dentist as an orthodontist by mistake.

It was acci*dental*.

 

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled? 

Dentist: $100. 

Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive. 

Dentist: I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

 

A little girl was talking to her dad about what she wanted to be when she grew up. She was thinking about either becoming a heart doctor or a tooth doctor.

“Dentist,” said her father.

“Why?” the little girl asked. “

“We only have one heart, but we have 32 teeth.”

 

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist.

 

Once upon a time there were two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off
his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes
a nap. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious
and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical.
They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes up to a knock on the door. At first, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell
at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no, wrong brother! This sometimes happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended.
I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is obviously upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly
there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. Five minutes of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and
brushes. After five minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright.

The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his five minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He
smiles.
It's unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke.
At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, but he also seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his
bed rang. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and replied "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

 

 

An August JOW #1294

 August is a crappy month.  I hate August even more than I hate September because at least in September cooler weather is coming.  All you have to look forward to in August is…. September – which is still too hot.  August is the month that studios open movies that aren’t good enough for either Christmas or summer blockbusters.  School starts.  It’s hot.  All In all, it is an awful month.  Here are some jokes to help get you through these trying times.

 

August is nature’s way of saying you were too comfortable

 

August in 1972 was hot.  And so was your grandma.

 

And if you are looking for a hot date, any day in August will do

 

It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. 

The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!

 

I bought this hipster jacket last August! I got a really good deal on it because I bought it before it was cool.

 

August is here so I guess it’s time to fire up the Christmas music.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

 

The only responses to your August birthday party invitations are out-of-office replies.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Pride month should really be moved to August...

Because pride cometh before the Fall

 

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2024”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filters it, then we takes out the harmful minerals, then we puts it through some chemical process, and then we drinks it. Only around here, people calls it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

Julius Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion: "8/2, Brute..."

 

Which led to some dark jokes

The doctor has given me two months to live. I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

 

A boy asked his mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."
The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

 

Kid: "Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

 

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern.”

Dog Days Again JOW #1293

Every year during the Dog Days of summer I try to send out jokes about our canine companions.  I like dogs.  In fact, I think that the secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can’t play with it, eat it, or bury it; just pee on it and walk away.  I hope these jokes cause you to wag your figurative tail a bit.

 

Dog Riddles

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A collie-flower

 

What do you call a dog who likes baths?

A shampoo-dle.

 

What to a call a very small dog with a very big bark?
A “sub-woofer.”

 

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

 

Why can’t humans hear dogs whistle?

Because dogs can’t whistle.

 

How do dog catchers get paid?

By the “pound.”

 

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They’re in bread

 

Why are border collies such good listeners?

Because you can tell they really herd you.

 

What’s a herding dog’s favorite game?

Hide and sheep.

 

A police man with a sniffer dog came up to the druggie and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.''

The druggie said, "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

 

Dogs might be “man’s best friend” but cats won’t show the cops where your drugs are.

 

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

 

What are your dog’s names?"

"Calvin and Klein"
"Like the underwear?"
"They are boxers."

 

I have a smart dog. 

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

^^^^^

Once upon a time, a palace minister served a despotic king.  The minister gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to a pack of fierce wild dogs.
The minister said, "I served you loyally ten years and you do this to me?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded "Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs"
The king agreed.
The minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to take care of the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but he agreed.
So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing everything for them.
When the ten days were up  the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced .
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw.
The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister.
The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service, yet I served you for ten years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”
The king realized his mistake. He then replaced the dogs with crocodiles 

 

And finally:

A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one white and the other black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?".

The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".
The old lady is a little confused by this question since they looked similar, but figured there was a reason. She goes along,

"The White One?”.

The blonde proudly says, "It is a Hungarian Puli".

The old lady continues "And the Black one?", to which the blonde answers

"Also, a Hungarian Puli".
The old lady finds the line of answering a little odd but she's still curious and has more questions, so continues. "Look at that coat of hair. Do they shed a lot?".

To which the Blonde goes "Which one? The black or the white?".

Frustrated a little, the old lady goes along again "The White One?". The blonde chimes in "No, she doesn't shed".

So the old woman continues "And the Black one?".

"He doesn't shed either".
The old lady shakes her head at this but continues her line of questioning. "It must be challenging keeping them groomed. How often do you have to bathe them?". The blonde recites, "The White One or the Black one?".

Hoping the answers are different this time, the old lady plays along again, "The white one".

The Blonde goes "Twice a week.”

The old lady continues "and the black one?".

The Blonde goes "Twice a week as well".
The old lady has finally had it. She melts down. "Why do you keep wanting me to separate my questions when your answers are the same for both of them? It would be different if they were a different breed or you didn't know the answers to one of them because you didn't own them."
Now a little terrified, the blonde goes "Well, the white one is mine".

The old lady, now a little repentant at her outburst, goes "And the Black one?".
"Also mine".

 

 

 

 

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater responded "nooooo" once again. The bartender thinks to himself "hmmm, maybe this anteater doesn't like alcohol," so he offers the anteater a water. The anteater responds "noooo." The bartender is very curious with the anteaters answers and asks the anteater "why the long no's?"

 

Mountainous JOW #1292

My JOW is a bit later than usual this week because I have been visiting friends and family in Colorado.  I used to be pretty active here in the mountains, but these days I see people out there climbing mountains and doing all those exciting things like ziplining and here I am feeling good about myself, because I managed to get my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.  Here are a few jokes starting with some ones that are mountain related.

 

Mountain riddles

Why did the girl break off it with the mountain climber with frostbitten feet?

She was lack-toes intolerant.

 

What did the climber call his son? 

Cliff.

 

Why do mountains get so big? 

They have no natural predators.

 

What world-famous group has four guys that don’t even sing? 

Mount Rushmore

 

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat

 

do you call an amazing day up a mountain? 

A peak experience.

 

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?

Because she was wearing mittens

 

What is the most dangerous type of cloud in the mountains?

Cumulo granite

 

Did you hear about the pilot that flew in to a mountain?

He had a bad altitude.

 

What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly?
Stationery.

 

Some deep thoughts

Up the mountain, a Japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why does every westerner think that we Japanese all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

 

Time is like a mountain.  It is very difficult to budget

 

Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don’t want to take them for granite.

 

I like mountains.

But volcanoes are ash holes.

 

I used to be afraid of rock climbing…

But now I’m feeling a little boulder.

 

Two mountaineers pass a crevasse during a mountain tour.  One climber says to the other: "My travel guide fell into this crevasse last year."
The other mountaineer says: "That is terrible!"
The first mountaineer replies: "No, it was already very old anyway, and besides, some pages were missing."

 

A Swiss mountain guide gave his tourists the final instructions on how to behave when climbing the Matterhorn.

"So when crossing from the summit ridge to the Hörnligrat, you have to take good care that you don't slip. If a mishap should still happen to you, then look to the left after about 100 meters of free fall and you have a fantastic view of Dufour peak on the way down."

 

A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After a few whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the bartender, "What the hell is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap is aghast, "Good Lord!! How big are the cats?"

 

And now for something completely different

 

A journalist asked a Russian soldier

 ‘How is life in Russia?’

‘I can’t complain,’ replied the soldier

 

A king and queen walk into a casino bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, you’re not 21.”

 

I had to stop my origami classes.

There was just too much paperwork.

 

There’s no point adding an extra ‘s’ to the end of the word ‘needles.’

It’s needless.

 

I was gonna tell a joke about a broken clock…

But it’s not the right time.

 

I thought I managed to fix my friend’s broken microphone.

Still waiting for some feedback.

 

My favorite superhero is Typo Man.

He writes all the wrongs.

 

My friend asked me to finish his drawing of a bird. He had already drawn the head, chest and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

 

I hate it when I see an old person…

And then realized we went to high school together.

 

Two unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

 

Did you hear about that semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

 

Following the protests, Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

 

The Mafia don of a city dies. His family held a public funeral allowing friends family and enemies to come and pay their respects.

They take it in turns to come up take a handful of earth to scatter and say a few words.

The chief of police takes a handful of earth; scatters it then turns away crying.

The Mafia don’s family turn to each other asking why the police chief was so upset, until

a journalist attending pipes up: “The police chief is upset because he’s got the dirt on him now but never could while he was alive.”

 

In Korea, a man avoided military service every year by failing his health test.
Since he was in perfect health, the official in charge of conscription asked him how he avoided military service.
The man replied, “Why, I don’t know. I always bet the doctor $500 that I’ll pass my medical test, but he always fails me for some reason.”

 

 

On the Road Again JOW #1291

 I am about to embark on my annual trip to the Colorado Rockies in my trusty van, Freda, to visit old friends and family, and some brand-new members of the family for the first time.  I have pictures of my latest grandson, but it will be nice to see him in the flesh.  Because I am unsure of my precise schedule, I may or may not be able to send out a JOW next week.  I hope you are not too disappointed.  Here are a few road warrior jokes.

~~~~~

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

 

Have you ever taken a road trip to the Seagate factory?

It's a hard drive.

 

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

 

What makes amputees so bad on road trips?

They’re always on the last leg.

 

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

 

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

 

Have you heard that Teslas don’t have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

 

Where does a sheep sit in the car during a road trip?

In the Ba a a ack

 

A guy on a long road trip walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

He orders two beers: "One for me and one for the road"

 

 

I went on a fantastic road trip with my friend in his Honda. We just agreed on everything: what to eat, where to stay, what to see and do.

We were of one Accord.

 

Two nuns were driving on night when a vampire flew out of nowhere and landed on the hood of the car. The first nun looked at the second nun and said, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

The second nun gets out of the car and shouts at the vampire, "Get the off my car you idiot!"

 

A jealous husband, while on a road trip with his friends, would call his wife every day to check on her.

Him: Where are you?
Her: At home in the kitchen honey.
Him Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me, so I know you are home?
Her: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Her: There you go.
Him: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. He would call her and ask her to run the food processor, which she would do.
One day he called home and spoke to his children: “Where is mom?”
Kid: No idea. She leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But she takes the food processor along wherever she goes.

 

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.
"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel, I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can."
"That's not a bad idea," says the guy from Iowa. He produces a bag of corn and starts throwing ears out the window.
A moment later the guy from Austin opens the door and pushes out the guy from California.

Here is a physics joke.  I hope you are up on your famous physicists  

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, “You were going 80 miles an hour.”

 Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrödinger.
The cop tries to arrest them.
Ohm resists.

And finally

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
As he stood there, he starts to regret not checking the car before going on such a long road trip, when suddenly he hears a deep voice from the other side of the road, saying:
"It's your spark plug wire."
The man gets startled, and asks: "Who said that?!", as he points the flashlight to where the voice came from. There it was an enormous black horse standing on the opposite side of the road. The horse repeats:
"It's one of your spark plug wires; it's disconnected."
Completely shocked, the man gets even more confused when he sees the disconnected cable. He reattached it, rushed to his seat and started the car, screeching away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar and asked for a double shot of whiskey. He drinks it in a single gulp, still trembling. A rancher sitting next to him notices the man's ashen face and asks: "*What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"You're not gonna believe it*" — the man replies — "A talking black horse just fixed my car.

The rancher now looks just as surprised as the man and says: "Wow.  And he actually gave you good advice.  You got very lucky".

"Why?".

The rancher takes another sip of his beer and replies:
"Because that horse don't know nothin' bout cars.  He’s an accountant!"