Yo Grandmother JOW #1312

 

This set of jokes is in honor of and about all those fortunate women who are grandmothers.   You would think this would be a sappy set of jokes, but actually there is an edge to some of them, grandmas being old and closer to the passing on.  And some of those grandmas are surprisingly spicy. 

 

How does Grandma fix a broken cookie?
With icing glue, of course

 

My grandma is 80% Irish.

Her name is Iris.

 

I recommend you put your grandma on speed-dial.

Call it Instagram.

 

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'Thank God for that, what are they?

 

What does my grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

 

Shoutout to my grandma

That’s the only way she can hear

 

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

 

I’ll never forget my grandma’s final words:

“What are you doing in here with that gun?”

My mom told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

 

My grandmother retired as a math teacher.

She is figuring out the aftermath.

 

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, Alzheimer’s.

 

Why was grandma so fascinated by the reversible sweater she was knitting? 

She wanted to see how it turned out.

 

They gave grandma chopsticks to try to eat oriental noodles.  She didn’t manage to finish the meal but she was able to knit a sweater from the noodles.

 

What did grandpa name the Italian restaurant he started in grandma’s memory?  Pasta Way.

 

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

 

Grandma tried to not show favorites

But her will was a dead giveaway

 

My grandma asked me if I would visit her after she gets out of the hospital...

I told her no.  I don't like going to graveyards.

 

Before our grandma died, her last words were, “Don’t make the funeral too early, I am not a mourning person.”

 

At my grandma’s funeral there was a bowl of her favorite candies on the table. They were bereave-mints.

 

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

 

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment… “Wow, that’s a big bounce”

 

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I’m going leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild absolutely floored says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "On Facebook...

 

Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second digit?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

 

Boy aged four: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & storyteller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem.
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

 

 

Here is a nice story about a grandmother.

I grew up with two brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.
I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. Grandma would make her tea and then she would make me my favorite breakfast - waffles and country ham.
As I got older, grandma let me help in the kitchen. My first job was to beat the eggs. My grandma being a bit disorganized in the kitchen, we would always joke about how long it took her to find the whisk. "It's going to be lunch by the time I find it!" she'd often say.
When she died, my grandma left most of her kitchenware to me. Now I make waffles for MY kids.
The other week, we had a house fire. After we got everyone to safety, I just had to go back in. I couldn't imagine losing my grandma's heirlooms - and the kitchen was right by the side door. My wife's still mad at me for going back in - she says I could have died. But I'm safe, and I'd say it was worth the whisk.

 

And finally, this one is a little too close to home.

The young child saw her granny taking her medications and asked, "Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, your grandma needs to take the green medicine for my headaches, but the green pills give me asthma. So, I need to take these yellow pills to treat the asthma, but those pills always make me very depressed. Because of the depression, I have to take some black pills, but those always give me high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, I have to take the red pills, but those always make me horny. And that's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

 

 

Nun shall Pass JOW #1311

My theme for this this week is nuns.  Once quite common, nuns are becoming increasingly rare in this culture, but the image of religious women in their black and white habits is still strong.  Why did I pick this subject for my jokes?  I simply recalled a nun joke and the rest just flowed.

~~~~

What’s a nun’s favorite kind of bird? A “cardinal.”

 

What do you call families whose only connection is that they have family members in the same convent.

Nun-related

 

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

 

What do you call a stealthy group of nuns with swords?

Nun-jas.

 

What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?

Stop this nun scents!

 

Nuns love to play hide and seek. It’s a great way to test their “cloister-phobia.”

 

What do you call an unusual home for nuns?

Nun-convent-ional.

 

What do you call a nun that won’t work?

Nun-functional.

 

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked about it, and she replied, “It’s a bad habit.“

 

Two nuns walk into a bar.

The bartender is surprised and said, "Sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?"
"We know it's not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here."
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
"We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues."
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
"Father, I'm surprised to see you here."
"Why, my son?"
"It's only 10 a.m., and I've never seen you here before 11"

 

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns added a generous amount of Irish whiskey to the milk and offered it again. Mother Superior drank it all and said, “Don’t sell that cow.“

 

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel from the bed pan into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

 

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly three weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long.

“I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”

 

Two nuns were riding their bikes together on their way to church one Sunday. The leading nun took new route that led to a steep downhill run over an old cobblestone road that ran right up to the church.  They held on desperately on the perilous ride down.

The first nun says to the second nun, "I've never come this way before".
The second nun says, "Yeah, I think was the cobblestones".

 

A man was on a business trip in New York and headed to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. Annoyed, the man said, “Sister, have you ever tried alcohol?”

“Of course not,” gasped the nun.

The man smiled and said, “Well, how about you try just one drink to see for yourself?”

The nun hesitated but agreed, saying, “I can’t be seen in a bar, but you could bring me a drink in this tin cup.”

Inside, the man asked the bartender for two scotch on the rocks, one in a tin cup. The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn nun out there again?”

 

Three nuns die and go to Heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun. "Eve."

The gates swing open, and she enters.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden."

The gates swing open once more.

St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question. What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"

"Oh, that's a hard one..."

The gates swing open.

 

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So, the sisters parted and the man followed Sister Michael. Sister Patrick was anxiously waited at the Abbey until Sister Michael returned alone.

"Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man?"

Well, replied Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers."

Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you do that?"

"Because" explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!"

  

Them Changes JOW #1310

A new year always brings thoughts of change.  Well, it does for me, even at my age, kinda…. at this point in my life, I seem to have things pretty much figured out and am aware that not all change is good.  Change can be like a bad haircut: you do not realize how bad it is until it is too late.   I threw in some punctuation jokes, just because as I am writing these days, such things are on my mind.  Here are some short, fast, jokes for your amusement.

``````

I changed my routine now I wake up early and still get nothing done.

 

I thought about changing careers, but I could not find a new one that allowed naps.

 

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

 

What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?
He doesn't listen.

 

I tried changing my workout routine. Now, I just need a nap.

 

A small town's population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

 

When a man’s girlfriend got pregnant everything about him changed; his address, phone number…

 

Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change? Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got her back they had to change it because it turns out she had become an Ape Re-caught.

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

 

My friend bought a different toothpaste this time... It was a nice change of paste.

 

And you cannot think about making changes without thinking about changing lightbulbs.

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like six, seven? Whatever, I just can't even...

 

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
But it takes a whole bunch of lightbulbs.

 

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

 

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket; you just buy a new house.

 

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one: But I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten, one to change the bulb and nine to tell you how much better they could've done it

 

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, unless they need help - in which case it's still one.

 

How many YouTubers does it take to change a lightbulb?

This is shocking but calm down, I’ll tell you. But first, a word from our sponsor

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

 

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and don’t have humor.

 

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

 

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place; they just keep talking about how great the old one was.

 

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalog. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks

~~~~~

The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

 

Why hasn't America converted to metric?

Because the changeover would have been to in-tens.

 

America is converting to metric units...

Inch by inch.

 

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

^^^^^^

Detroit is so run down that when Transformers was filmed in Detroit, Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings.

 

I asked a Walmart employee where I could find the nuts.

“Pretty much every isle.”

 

Interesting punctuation thoughts

 

It’s amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

A woman without her man is nothing.

A woman: without her man is nothing.

Or 
-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
-Jane ate her friend's colon.

Also, commas,

Let’s eat, Grandma.

Let’s eat Grandma

or

-Ben is in a hurry.
-Ben is in a coma.

Semicolons matter, too

I’m sorry; I Iove you.

I’m sorry I love you.

Dashes can be important

Twenty five-dollar bills= $100

Twenty five dollar bills= $25

Period placement is crucial

Eat your dinner.

Eat. You’re dinner!

And finally

The mayor of a small town received a letter of complaint from a member of his community. After taking the letter from the envelope, he noticed there was only one word on it: “Fool!” The mayor furrowed his brow and said, “Hmm. They signed the letter, but what’s the complaint?” 

Go for the Goal JOW#1309

 

The calendar year has come to an end.  For me and mine, 2025 was a pretty good year.  The new year is a great time for reflecting.  Well, unless you are a vampire.  So, a whole year has passed. Now it is time for that ridiculous tradition of making New Year’s resolutions.   I can’t believe it’s been a year since I “didn’t” become a better person.  My jokes this week start off with jokes and observations about all those goals people tend to make this time of year, before the theme breaks down and I just put in some random jokes. `

I sincerely wish all of you a happy and prosperous New Year. 

Here are my last jokes of 2025.

 

New Year’s resolutions like babies? They’re fun to make but exhausting to maintain.

 

Lots of people will be looking forward to new things.  For example, Zohran Mamdani finally has his first job.

 

I did it! I followed my goal to save $50 from each paycheck.  Of course I don’t have any paychecks….

 

What is the minimum number of people does it take to have a New Years party?

Two and a fifth

 

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other,"

 

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

 

I gave up drinking for the new year

Sorry, that came out wrong.
I gave up.
Drinking for the new year.

 

I also want to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

 

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive; but only if it's okay with you guys.

 

I plan on writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It will be a play on words.

 

I'm thinking about going to Japan again, like last year.  Of course, I didn't go to Japan last year.   I just thought about going

 

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

 

If you’re interviewing for a fast-food job they ask about your short- and long-term goals tell them this:

Short term: I want to work at McDonalds
Long term: I don’t want to work at McDonalds

 

I always try to turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the infectious disease clinic

 

 

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat less and exercise scams.

 

My goal was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far.

 

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds this year.  I only have 30 pounds to go

 

I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it - cause it's the only thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

 

The wife caught me on the weight scale, sucking in my stomach.

“That won’t help you, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” I replied, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

 

Losing weight is like golf – I’m not very good at it.

Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.

~~~~~~~~

 

My wife fills the dog’s water bowl with filtered water from the fridge

I asked her why

“She would do the same for me,” she replied.

 

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts.

"Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away."

"Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

 

I watched a reality show where the goal is to do as many drugs as possible without getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

When a man was young, he set a life goal for himself: he will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 50. This year, he’s finally achieved half of the goal.

He turned 50.

 

Man: I wish I had a Lamborghini

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: About $5. which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5. and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending $45. each day and each month at $1350. In one year, it would be approximately $16,500…correct?
Man: That sounds about right
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $16,500 not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $325,00. correct?
Man: More or less
Woman: If you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Lamborghini?!

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Lamborghini?”

 

And finally, from the ‘can’t win file’:

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that.
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

 

 

Xmas Week JOW #1308

Christmas Day is this week, as so the hurley burley of the season if in full cry.  I like Christmas but admit that it is best for families with little kids.  Nevertheless, it is a lot of fun.  I hope each and every one of you have a happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year.  Here is a gift of some holiday jokes to put you in a good mood – I hope.

 

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She sang, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

 

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

 

What did the hipster say the day after the holiday feast?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

 

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

 

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

 

Why are socks the ultimate mystery gift?

You never know if they’ll pair well.

 

What do minimalists put on their wish lists?

Less.

 

I'm sending a lot of people telepathic Christmas gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

 

What dinosaur is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

 

What do you call a glass gift, that’s also advice?

A clear and pre-sent warning.

 

Some knock-knock jokes that should be sung.

Knock, knock! 

Who's there? 

Freeze. 

Freeze who? 

Freeze a jolly good fellow

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Dexter. 

Dexter who? 

Dexter halls with boughs of holly

 

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Anna. 

Anna who? 

Anna partridge in a pear tree

`````

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been promoting breath mints to increase sales.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

 

Why do Chinese people love iPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

 

 I wanted to play D&D all day on Christmas but...No dice.

 

Son - “Dad I want some Bitcoin for Christmas”
Dad: - “What?? Why do you need $85K for? You know how difficult it is to earn $95K dollars? You will learn difficulty of earning $70K when you get a job.”

 

A man was looking for a last-minute Christmas presents was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a life-sized brass rat figurine pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.  The owner warned him that this particular brass figurine allegedly came with a powerful curse.  The man disparaged this as superstitious nonsense and decided to buy the figurine.  The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat scurrying behind him.  Within minutes, the whole area was swarming with the vermin all following the man and his brass rat. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road with an ever-increasing number of rats in pursuit.  Hemmed in by the rushing rodents he ran out onto a dock at the edge of the bay and threw the brass rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran right past the man and followed the figurine into water.  Soon the rats were all gone.
He returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat.

When the shopkeeper recognized him, he said, "Back again already, sir? Is there something wrong with your figurine?"
"Oh, no, not at all," replied the man, "I was just wondering if you had any brass figurines of a lawyer."

 

And finally, a gift story:

Woman visited an antique store and found a beautiful wardrobe. She decided to buy it but explained that it was too big to fit through her door.
The clerk told her that they could disassemble it, deliver it to her house and then assemble it in her bedroom. So, they did just that.
Next day woman called to the store and explained, that her house is near the railroad and last night when train was passing by, the wardrobe couldn't stand the shaking and fell apart.
The store sent out a worker to reassemble and fix the wardrobe. He made sure to tighten all the screws.
But the next day she called again and explained that once again the wardrobe broke as train was passing by.
They again send a worker, he fixes it, tighten all the screws, glues some parts and tries to shake it to make sure it is sturdy as hell.
But the next day woman called again. The worker came to her house, assembled it again and then said. "Listen, I've assembled this wardrobe twice and it broke apart both times when the train passed by. I have no idea what's going on, but there must be some loose point inside; I just can't figure out where the weakness is. I propose that I go inside the wardrobe, wait for the train, and see what exactly is causing it to fall apart so I can fix it properly."
Woman agreed, so the worker goes inside the wardrobe with a flashlight.
As the worker is observing behavior of the wardrobe, woman's husband returned from business trip. He walks into the bedroom and sees the new wardrobe.
"What a beautiful wardrobe you bought" he said to his wife and proceeded to walk to the wardrobe and open it up only to see a man inside.
The worker look him dead in the eye and says: "You know, just beat me up now because you won't believe me when I tell you that I am waiting here for the train."

 

 

 

 

A New Old JOW #1307

I have always been interested in history and thus, archeology.  I have friends that still go on digs.  The subject was on my mind when it was time to do my weekly jokes.  Alas, I do not know all that many archeology jokes; it is considered a grave topic.  So, I when I ran out of those jokes, I shifted to the next best thing: antiques.

 

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Because its career advancement is in ruins.

 

I dated a Greek girl during my latest archeology expedition.

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

 

What did the archaeologist find?

He won't tell me, but he said it's groundbreaking

 

After years of dating an Archaeologist, it’s finally over.

She was always digging up the past.

 

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

 

Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters

They love all that underground stuff.

 

Archaeologists discovered an ancient city in Iraq.

According to the archaeologists, ancient Iraqis looked like skeletons, lived underground, and walked lying down.

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.

The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a betting slip in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins.  Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist
"Graham, I've found three pots of gold coins!"
"What's that John? You've found two pots of gold coins?"
"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

 

A team of British archaeologists at a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 1500 years ago.
In response to this, Scottish archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires. From this discovery, they concluded that Scots were advanced enough 2000 years ago to have telephone connections in all their towns and cities.
Not to be outdone by their old enemies, the Irish formed a crack team of their own archaeologists and sent them to dig. They dug to a depth of 25 feet and found absolutely nothing.  From this, they concluded that they were so far ahead of the British and Scots that 2500 years ago, they had wireless networks.

 

Thinking about old stuff got me onto the topic of antiques in general.

 

A man walks into an Antique Shop and asks “what’s new?”

 

You know you're getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

 

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

 

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assassinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

Shopping for antiques won't make you a lesbian, but it might make you buy curios.

 

I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

 

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the ivory keys on my antique piano.

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

 

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up, that's distressing.

I was shopping online for antique guns, and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.  Most of them were never fired and only dropped once.

 

A man bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.  He carefully carried it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and said “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!”
To which the drunk replies “Why don’t you wear a watch like everyone else?”

 

And finally, back to archaeology

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.
The donkey shows they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel tells us they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”
However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree.
“Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explained.
The symbols say:
“Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that chick.”

 

Football JOW #1306

 

Football season is wrapping which makes it easy for a theme because a lot of teams this season are a joke. 

 

Did you hear about the Football player who’s missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

 

A football coach yelled at his team after the game:

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

 

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

 

What would a Texans fan do if the Texans won the Super Bowl?

Turn off the video game and go to bed.

 

 What did the coach Say to the broken vending machine?
“Give me my quarterback!”

 

Year after year the Alabama college football team plays very well together?

It’s like they are all one big family

 

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for seven seasons.

 

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

 

Washington DC should have named their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

 

According to some outlets, the Minnesota Vikings are considering changing their name to the Minnesota Somalia Pirates

 

In a recent poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex?

Most of them responded, sex, but at halftime.

 

Wife to Husband watching football: “We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me!”

Husband at the next commercial break: “Of course I choose you, honey.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks.

"Because my wife cancelled our cable."

 

A football team that needed to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.  Unfortunately, the airline overbooked first class and one of the players has to give up their seat.
A bench player stepped up and said, "Put me in coach."

 

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma that will attract people of my generation.

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

 

I found a used football in a secondhand store.  I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He shrugged and said, “Inflation".

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

 

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football as he knows a lot about football and is sure he can pick some winners.
The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him they have pro football games today, and the gambler places bets on seven pro football games. He loses all seven bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him there's a Monday Night Football game, and the gambler bets on it. He loses again.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie says, "It's Tuesday. There are no football games today. But there are a lot of hockey games you can bet on."
"Hockey!?" the gambler exclaims. "What do I know about hockey?"

 

And with the World Cup starting soon I have a few jokes about the other football game: soccer.  Which raises the question; why do they call it football if they play it with a soccer ball? 

 

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

 

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a soccer match

Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who?

 

And finally,

The Nigerian football team apologized for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...