Sad Old JOW #1275

 I try to find humor in every aspect of life including some challenging things that aren’t normally thought of as funny.  But then who ever thought I was normal.  I have been down lately with the news of the passing of a close friend, David Romanowsky; I guess at this point in my life I need to expect things like this.   All this got me thinking about sadness in general and jokes that either address bad things or are just oddball enough to lift your spirits with an unusual twist. 

 

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

 

My girlfriend’s hamster died, so I went out and got her an identical hamster and all she said was "What the hell am I going to do with two dead hamsters?"

 

I’m really sad my pet wildebeest died.

I had to get a Gnu one

 

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

 

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso..

 

A mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad

Bartender asks what's wrong
Mobius strip: Where do I start?

 

Did you know that replacing potato chips with grapefruit slices as a snack can reduce 90% of what little joy you still have in life.

 

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

 

As an American, it makes me so upset to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says, “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

 

I went to the doctors because I was sad that I couldn't complete the crossword.

He told me not to get 2 down

 

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

 

What do you call a sad community of melons?

A melancholy melon colony.

 

Whenever my artist girlfriend is feeling down, I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

 

I learned do not ask your wife ‘when’s dinner going to be ready?” while she is out mowing the lawn.

 

Recently I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh

 

I am getting really tired of people who complain about the price of everything: $2 for a cup of coffee, $4 an hour for parking, $5 cover charge.  I am just going to stop inviting them over to my house.

 

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.  I guess she was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the Monopoly game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

 

My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday

Friend asks, “Since when has Mike been your best friend?”
“Since yesterday.”

 

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

 

I think that my best friend is having an affair with my wife.

He's been miserable lately.

 

Both men and women are going to the gym to have the same thing.

A perfect female body.

 

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best-looking women

He said the ATM outside

 

Did I mention my recliner is my best friend?

We go way back.

 

People who ask me what I will be doing tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is.

 

I am not an expert on cacti, but I know a prick when I see one.

 

Apparently bringing someone breakfast in bed is not romantic when they don’t know who you are.

 

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

 

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine, clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

 

And the award for best neckwear goes to...huh, well would you look at that. It’s a tie

 

When somebody says, “I expected more from you,” I respond, “And who’s fault is that?”

 

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out it wasn’t true; he's a big lyre.

 

Cowboys used to put a lantern on their saddles at night to find the trail when they were far from home.
This was the start of "Saddle Light Navigation."

 

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

 

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

 

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

 

You’ve gotta say one thing about transphobia.  It finally got people interested in women’s sports.

 

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 

My boss hates it when I call him Dick, probably because his name is Bob.

 

A young child came up to his mom and asked, ‘where does Poo come from?’  She took a deep breath and gave him the best scatological explanation she could.  He looked perplexed before then asking, ‘And where does Tigger come from?”

 

And finally

A man’s best friend unexpectedly passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for eight months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, his wife gave birth to a big boy. As the child grew older each day, the man realized the child looked an awfully lot like his late best friend.
He was really happy that his prayer had been answered.

 

 

Opening Day JOW #1274

Thursday is the start of baseball season, known as Opening Day.  Going to a live baseball game used to be easy and affordable, before the powers that be realized they could extract more money from the fans.  It has been said that ‘A hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.’  These days it costs about the same; and don’t get me started about the cost of beer which brings new meaning to the term ‘liquid gold’.  Fortunately, I can watch baseball on TV from the comfort of my home.  I do enjoy baseball and so have some jokes about the sport. 

 

“Baseball is like driving.  It’s getting home safely that counts.” - Tommy Lasorda

 

“Never hit an umpire, because The Umpire Strikes Back.” – Luke Skywalker

 

“Never hit a man with glasses.  Use a baseball bat.” - Me

 

Comparing baseball stadium hot dogs: what's the difference between Houston Astrodogs and Seattle  Marinerdogs?

You can buy Astrodogs in October.

 

Pitcher catcher meeting on the mound.

Catcher – Throw me a curve.

Pitcher – Okay.  I’m wearing edible underwear.

 

Batman got his start on a baseball team.  He was the bat boy.

 

When I was a kid when it came time to pick teams, I learned a brand-new position in baseball:

Left Out

 

Where does the baseball player go when he needs a new uniform?

New Jersey.

 

Which takes longer to run: from first to second base or from second to third base?

From second to third base, because there is a shortstop in the middle

 

How can you pitch a winning baseball game without throwing a ball?

Only throw strikes.

 

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

 

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

 

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

 

A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with four walks and a hit batter, so the manager took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, "That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"

 

An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.” One smart resident decided to get more information, first. 

“Wait,” he said. “What team do you play for?” 

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man. 

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?
Patient: Baseball.
Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?
Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

 

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

^^^^

One morning in elementary school, the students were studying geography, and the teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?”

Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”

The teacher replies, “Very good, Billy, now can anyone tell me where Detroit is?”

Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!”

The teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks,

“Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh pick me! I know!”

The teacher says, “OK, Tommy, where is Kansas City?”

“Last place.”

~~~

A symphony was playing Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony on opening day.  Things were going well until the final movement came.  There is not much for the bass players to do for a pretty long stretch, so they slipped out and had a few drinks.  So as not to let their musical score get out of sequence, they tied the sheets up in neat rolls.  The musician became quite tipsy, and time got away from them.  Suddenly the symphony was almost over and it was time for the musicians to go back to work!  It was very tense.

You see, it was the bottom of the 9^th, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

 

And finally

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$100.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together again.
Boy: “Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it is..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$200.”
Man: ‟Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$300.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Sure is dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that crap with me again, kid.”

 

 

 

 

 

Observational JOW #1273

There are several aspects and styles of comedy.  Observational humor is a stable of standup comedians such as Jerry Seinfeld or the late George Carlin.  This style of humor does not translate too well into print as it relies on a build up and voice delivery, but I thought I would give it a try, so here goes, a few jokes about insights.

 

The average person is said to forget four things a day.  I can do that by breakfast.

 

There are morning people and coffee people.

 

Why did the Teenage Ninja Turtles wear masks? So they wouldn't be recognized?

 

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but I think there may be a small hole in the bag somewhere.

 

The best thing about retirement is the job security.

 

I have a bummer of a job crushing cans at the recycling center.  It’s soda pressing.

 

My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

 

Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once

 

I am not saying I’m a wine expert, but I can drink quite a bit of it.

 

Sign outside a bar: Meet people the old-fashioned way: Through alcohol and bad judgement.

 

I think that if drinks could talk:
Coffee – You can do this!

Wine – You don’t really have to do that

Tequila – I can’t believe I just did that!

 

A child’s observation:

If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

 

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of us have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

 

I found a note in a bottle that washed up on the beach yesterday.  It seems they have been trying to reach me regarding my car’s extended warranty.

 

Do one hundred centipedes equal one dollariped?  Asking for a friend.

 

Customer – I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Clerk – Sorry we only take cash or cards.

 

Why does the word ‘non-fungible’ not mean ‘not able to be a mushroom’?

 

We had that abomination called Daylight Savings start last week.  Did they have to move the stones ahead an hour at Stonehenge?

 

Woman: You never listen to me.

Man: Yes, thank you, I would like a beer.

 

A farmer was milking his cow when suddenly a bug flew into the cow’s ear.  The farmer didn’t notice it until the bug squirted out into the milk bucket.  It was a case of going in one ear and out the udder.

 

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

 

I went to a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in, I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me, and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.
When I got to my table a waitress in glasses brought me a menu to look at. She hardly said anything to me. She actually seemed even *more* depressed than the first guy!
After perusing the "main menu" I decided to have the fish and microchips. A waiter came back to take my order. She was barely listening to me.  She sobbed as she wrote down my order and then left in tears. What was that all about?
Anyway 30 minutes went by, and no food arrived. Finally, the manager walked by me and I grabbed his arm for answers.
"Hey, man! What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here for half hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"
The manager replies, "I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

 

And finally: Deep thoughts
I had a cold beer and sat outside the other day.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

STEM JOW #1272

 I make jokes about a lot of things, some of which are normally not considered amusing.  Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math for example, is thought to be stuffy and often self-important.  Not always true.  There is also humor which relies on shared knowledge such as the fact that to mathmaticians, the expression (!) means a factorial.   Note to the mathematicians among you, if you really want a good laugh watch Tom trying to factor a quadradic equation.  So most of these jokes have a sort of relationship to STEM.

 

What do you call someone who protects a light-dispersing object?
A prism guard.

 

I recently went to a new restaurant called the Manhattan Project.  It’s a fusion restaurant.

 

What do you call someone who investigates molten rocks?
Magma, PI.

 

What do you call the study of humor?
Mirth science.

 

Did you hear about the insecure physicist?
She was fission for compliments.

 

What do you get when you cross a set of writing rules with a form of electromagnetic radiation?
Grammar rays.

 

I read about the invention of the lightbulb in the New England Journal of Edison.

Protons, electrons and neutrons have mass appeal.

 

I got pain relief from skiing in Aspirin, Colorado.

My drugstore doubles as a restaurant. Try the veal pharm!

Some semi-scientific riddles

·         You know what traveling physicists say: “When in Ohm …”

·         What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into the other? Sorry! My fault.

·         What did the biologist wear to impress his date? Designer genes.

·         What did the stamen say to the pistil? I like your style!

·         What type of fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na.

·         What do you call an accountant for the biology department? A buy-ologist.

·         Why are chemists excellent for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

·         Did you hear about the two blood cells that met and fell in love? Alas, it was all in vein.

·         Why are chemists excellent at solving problems? They have all the solutions.

·         Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide

·         Why did the oceanographer fail biology?  His grades were below C-level

 

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

           “R”
(His IP is well hidden.)

 

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

 

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 10%.

 

My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

 

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

 

Koala fingerprints are so similar to human ones that even crime scene investigators have been confused by them.  Which raises the question, what kind of crime scene has both?

 

The guy who invented the clock: There are 12 numbers on it.

Friend: So the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: No, 24

Friend: So, the day will start at 1?

Inventor: No, the day will start at 12.  Which is night.  And the 6 means 30.

 

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "What’s 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "That's not even close"
me: "Yeah, but it was fast"

 

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

 

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist. “That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

 

A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

 

Did you know they just located the gene for shyness?
They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes

 

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

 

When all you want to do is gain potential energy...
People just keep letting you down.

 

A group of protesters out front of a physics lab:
“What do we want? –

Time travel –

When do we want it? –

Irrelevant.”

 

A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.

 

My friend was bragging about his new 3D printer that can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed; I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

Some less science-like jokes

Q: What do you call a bear with no ears

A. B.

 

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

 

I've written the funniest joke about Nuclear Fusion.

I'll post it in 20 years.

 

I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.
It's a bark ode.

 

I've written a lot of jokes in my time, but I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

And at last

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"
"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."
"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.
"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"
"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.
"That would be best," said the teacher.
"One-second," said the boy.
"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.

 

 

A Relative JOW #1271

I recently went to a nice family reunion back in Pensacola.  Reunions are like parties, but with people you actually want to see, people you don’t see as often as you should except at events like funerals.  Funerals are like family reunions - minus one.  We had a full crew for this reunion and it was a lot of fun.  That got me thinking about family and family relations.   Here are some jokes in that vein.

 

What makes redneck family reunions so awkward?

Seeing all of your ex's there.

 

In Alabama they televise the World’s Largest Outdoor Family Reunion.  Most people just call it the Alabama vs Auburn game.

 

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning.

Runs in the family

 

A husband and wife were arguing about their families.  Finally, the husband relented.   "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

 

Siblings: People you either plan to murder or plan a murder with.

 

Siblings: the only people who truly understand the craziness that runs in your family.

 

My sister said she was thinking about going to Europe again, like last year.

I told her I didn't know she traveled to Europe last year.

She replied that she didn't, she just thought about going.

 

What do you say to your sister when she starts crying?

“Are you having a crisis?”

 

Big sister: I make the rules.

Middle sister: I’m the reason we have rules. 

Little brother: The rules don’t apply to me.

 

My sister hates it when I invade her privacy.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

 

Becoming a father is fun and easy.

Being one is a harder job.

 

How did Vader know what he was getting for Father’s Day?

He felt Luke’s presents.

 

My dad always taught me to share my toys with my siblings. It wasn’t that he wanted me to develop social skills, it’s because he was a cheapskate that wanted to spend less money on toys.

 

Boy: “Dad, can you explain a solar eclipse to me?”

Dad: “No sun.”

 

Dad told mom he wanted to keep the kids every other weekend.

The mom reminded him that they were still married, and he would have to see them every day.

 

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.

Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

 

And I will never forget what my dad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.

“Watch how far I can kick this bucket, son.”

 

My Uncle used to say, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

 

How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

 

What do you call the lion who ate your mother’s sister?

An Aunt-eater

 

My family has a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother’s sister at family get togethers.

I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster, but they just keep upping the ante each year.

 

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally get it done.

 

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Liters! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.

 

And finally, a long off-topic joke.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland! First concert I ever went to on my own.

Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college, and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He knew how much my sister and I loved prunes, so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit, sighed and responds sadly,
"It's a date."

 

Battle JOW #1270

I have done many jokes about differences/conflicts between men and women.  It used to be called the Battle of the Sexes, but scholarly articles claim this term is wrong and hurtful since it implies men and women are so different that they cannot communicate with each other, and is hence, sexist.  Clearly these scholars are smarter than me, and everyone who has ever been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  Here are some jokes about men and women trying t communicate.

 

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color eight.

 

Don’t bother trying to understand women…Women understand women and they hate each other.”

 

I’m trying to understand quantum physics. Because trying to understand women is too damned hard.”

 

Men and women use the same words with very different meanings,  so here is a handy translation guide.

 

The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I am having trouble going to sleep and you are asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your wallet?

The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

 

Men, here is a simple scoring system to rate interaction with your female partner.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -30

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party: +1
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -1
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -8
Tiffany has implants: -16

DATING

You take her out to dinner: +1
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +2
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -5
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -20

GIFT GIVING

You give her a gift: +1
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +2
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30

You give her a gift, and it is a small appliance: -10
With her credit card: -30

COMMUNICATIONS

When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +2
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -50

And finally,

A married couple were walking through a garden when suddenly an aggressive dog ran towards them looking like he wanted to bite.  The husband lifted his wife up so the dog would bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog, confused, stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, “I've seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a husband better than a wife

 

 

Military JOW #1269

Most of you know that I have a military background.  There is a lot of humor in military life which is often unappreciated by civilians.  Here are some military-themed bits of humor.

 

Where are the headlights on a destroyer?    In the head.

 

Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

What percentage of Naval recruits are pirates?
3.14.

 

Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

 

Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.

 

 Once there was a Roman army that became famous after selling milk products to people. It was Legion Dairy.

 

Did you hear that the military is considering bringing in emotional support dogs for people deployed on extended submarine tours?
They think installing subwoofers will be good for morale.

 

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?
Kernel.

 

Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.

 

ARMY+ A Recruiter Misled You

ARMY = Aren't Ready for Marines Yet, but don't worry, we'll get you trained.

 

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sarge?”

 

The services all have investigative services.  Applicants for this prestigious position were subject to initial interviews to determine if they were suitable candidates. 

Interviewer: “We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing and most importantly; having a killer instinct. So do you think you are eligible?”
Candidate: “No sir; but can my wife apply?”

 

Military manuals sometimes have dry humor.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."  - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."  - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.  - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."  - U.S. Air Force Pilot Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."  - Army Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.   Once.”  Navy Ship Captain Manual 

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."  - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"Never trade luck for skill.”  Marine Infantry Instructor

The air side has and especially funny set of admonitions: 
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.”- Navy Fighter Pilot

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes on the ocean floor than submarines in the sky."  - From an old Navy Carrier Sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.” Army Helicopter Pilot Manual

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to take you to your crash site.” …. Smart Pilot

"Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”   All retired Military Pilots 

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.” Old Air Force Pilot

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!” All Military Pilots

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”  All Military Pilots

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.”

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” ……All old, retired pilots

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."……Smart and Old Pilots 

The crash truck arrives at the scene of an airplane crash.  A rescuer sees a bloodied pilot wrapped in his parachute next to the wreckage and asks him "What happened?". 

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"  -

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion.

In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room. The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

And finally

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can’t swim very well, I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”