Military JOW #1269

Most of you know that I have a military background.  There is a lot of humor in military life which is often unappreciated by civilians.  Here are some military-themed bits of humor.

 

Where are the headlights on a destroyer?    In the head.

 

Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

What percentage of Naval recruits are pirates?
3.14.

 

Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

 

Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.

 

 Once there was a Roman army that became famous after selling milk products to people. It was Legion Dairy.

 

Did you hear that the military is considering bringing in emotional support dogs for people deployed on extended submarine tours?
They think installing subwoofers will be good for morale.

 

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?
Kernel.

 

Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.

 

ARMY+ A Recruiter Misled You

ARMY = Aren't Ready for Marines Yet, but don't worry, we'll get you trained.

 

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sarge?”

 

The services all have investigative services.  Applicants for this prestigious position were subject to initial interviews to determine if they were suitable candidates. 

Interviewer: “We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing and most importantly; having a killer instinct. So do you think you are eligible?”
Candidate: “No sir; but can my wife apply?”

 

Military manuals sometimes have dry humor.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."  - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."  - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.  - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."  - U.S. Air Force Pilot Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."  - Army Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.   Once.”  Navy Ship Captain Manual 

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."  - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"Never trade luck for skill.”  Marine Infantry Instructor

The air side has and especially funny set of admonitions: 
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.”- Navy Fighter Pilot

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes on the ocean floor than submarines in the sky."  - From an old Navy Carrier Sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.” Army Helicopter Pilot Manual

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to take you to your crash site.” …. Smart Pilot

"Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”   All retired Military Pilots 

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.” Old Air Force Pilot

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!” All Military Pilots

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”  All Military Pilots

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.”

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” ……All old, retired pilots

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."……Smart and Old Pilots 

The crash truck arrives at the scene of an airplane crash.  A rescuer sees a bloodied pilot wrapped in his parachute next to the wreckage and asks him "What happened?". 

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"  -

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion.

In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room. The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

And finally

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can’t swim very well, I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”