Last 2011 JOW

In keeping with my holiday theme I am providing a few quotes and jokes about New Year holiday including a few standbys that involve alcohol along with a few semi-related jokes about bars and drunks and such. I hope that all of you are having as enjoyable season as I. So to begin here are some New Years observational quotes:

• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you sometimes kiss the person you're married to. P. J. O'Rourke
• New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain
• An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. Bill Vaughan

Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.

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When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

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A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a gin". He takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
"I do", the Lone Ranger replied. "Why?"
The cowboy drawled, "You better take care of him; he¹s almost dead from the heat."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting.
The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.
Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
"I do," the Lone Ranger said, "What's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothin'," the cowboy said, "But you left your Injun runnin'."
…………………………….
Okay, here is one for the Native Americans

A guy goes into a bar, orders a drink, and lights up a fine cigar. As he contentedly sips his drink, he blows several smoke rings into the air. After the ninth or tenth smoke ring, an angry Indian stomps up to him looks at the smoke rings and says, "One more remark like that and I'll punch you in the face!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A carton of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A pint of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly.”

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Let me leave you with an old Irish toast:

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want.


Tom