I have frequently mentioned that I send out my JOW’s regularly so if you do not receive one, please let me know. Well, there will not be any more JOW’s in April. Ruth and I are going on a Trans-Atlantic cruise with no contact available. Yes, it is still possible to be out of touch with the world for a whole week. Heck, I did it for months at a time while deployed. While in Europe we will also be visiting some old friends in Portugal, so it will be a lengthy trip.
Baby changing stations are a hoax. Parents go in but come out with the same baby.
I saw a new apartment going up in my neighborhood. They call it Morning Wood. I bet the rents are pretty stiff.
My latest fortune cookie read: You will be hungry again in one hour.
Nowadays one more for the road means peeing before you leave.
Aging may have slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.
I watched a pigeon open his bill but made no sound. It was a failed coo attempt.
You never see Polar Bears and penguins together in the wild. They are polar opposites.
I love going outdoors. It’s much easier than going outwindows.
Adam and Eve were the first people to not read the Apple term & conditions.
I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends. It was a brief discussion.
Nancy Drew and the mysteriously light dime bag.
I think it’s disgraceful that after only 50 years people don’t know who Neal Armstrong was or what kind of trumpet he played.
I love to take a nap but that sounds so childish. I prefer to call them ‘horizontal life pauses.’
I am getting tired of winter. I can hardly wait to start complaining about the heat.
The Nudist camp is clothed for the winter.
I kicked an ice cube under the refrigeration, but it’s just water under the fridge.
Pushup bras: making mountains out of molehills for forty years.
Avoidable. What a matador attempts to do.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Cowboys used to put lanterns on the saddles of their horses to help them find their way in the dark.
It was the first saddle light navigation.
Some of you remember John Lennon’s wife Yoko Ono. He produced several of her albums proving that love can be not only blind but deaf, too.
If I get something caught in my throat I dislodge it with a cold beer. I call it the Heineken maneuver.
I hear that 90% of all electric cars are still on the road. I guess that means that the other 10% made it home.
Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"
Mom: "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing; all she does is ask questions!"
Patient: ‘My siblings treat me like Lucy and Linus treat Charlie Brown’
Psychologist: ‘It appears you have analogy to Peanuts.’
A famous psychic was buying some clothes.
Clerk: “Try this one on.”
Psychic: “That shirt will be too small.”
Clerk: “You didn’t even try it on.”
Psychic: “I’m a medium.”
There are two types of people in the world:
Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data…
There was a debate between the difference between weather and climate. It easy. You can’t weather a tree, but you can climb it.
A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City
He is starting to get really fed up.
How can you tell if an ant is male or female? They are female. If they were male, they would be an uncle.
I was bitten by a venomous snake.
Fortunately, my uncle’s wife gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts.
I was glad to have the auntie dote.
Advice for dealing with an angry woman:
Next time your woman gets mad at you drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and tell her that now she is ‘super angry’. That should work.
Of course, any time a woman gets mad at you just tell her to ‘calm down, you’re overreacting.’ That always works……
Or you can just retreat to a safe distance and toss her some chocolate.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. You begin with hearts and a diamond. And at the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
The pastor says alcohol is your enemy.
Jesus says love our enemy.
Case closed.
I wrote about Golden Oldies a few weeks back. Here are some new titles for classics by some of our favorite artists.
Herman’s Hermits
Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr
I Get By with a Little help from Depends
The Bee Gees
How Can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack
The First Time Every I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash
I can’t see clearly now
Paul Simon
Fifty Ways to Lose your Liver
Commodores
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Procol Harum
A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer
You Make me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations
Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Helen Reddy
I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Lesley Gore
It’s my Hormones and I’ll Cry if I Want To.
And a final shot about not pissing off an old guy.
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three tough bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress looking over his shoulder replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
No comments:
Post a Comment