Cruisin' JOW #1227

We have safely returned from out Transatlantic cruise and Portuguese idyll.  It was wonderful.  I mean, cruise ships are just floating buffets with an ocean view.  Of course, there is always the issue with that 26-hour trip home.  I am just now getting over the jet lag. 

Jet lag is like time travel sickness.  It’s like your body clock drunk dialing you.  Crossing time zones: Nature’s way of messing with your sleep schedule.

International travel observations:

Passport photos are really just bad selfies.

 

Passport photos: the face of regret.

 

Airport security: the most awkward dance party.

 

Overhead bins: a game of Tetris nobody wins.

 

Turbulence: nature’s way of checking if you’re paying attention.

 

Middle seats: where personal space goes to die.

 

Seat belts: because mid-air turbulence likes surprises.

 

Emergency exits: a pop quiz you never want to take.

 

If the airline loses your luggage, you can sue them. You will lose that case, too.

 

Signs in an English airport:

Keep calm and Carry On

Keep calm and Checked Luggage

 

When you have overweight luggage, it’s time to weigh your options.

 

What happens when you cross a snake and a plane?
You get a Boeing constrictor!

 

Passengers were trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for five days.

On the bright side, it’s kind of what they paid for.

 

Souvenirs are just trophies for surviving tourists.

 

Tourists are just landmark paparazzi.

 

Which type of traveler is the calmest?
The No-mad.

 

I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship. But I got lost at sí.

 

I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

 

When Canadians work on board cruise ships, they need to get a document from the Canadian government called a Seaman’s Discharge Book.  Which is useless because all the pages are stuck together.

 

Did you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now everyone is jumping on board.

 

Where does Santa go on vacation?

Santa Cruz

 

What would you call the Bermuda triangle if it had four corners? The Bermuda Wreck-Tangle

 

A woman on a cruise asked the captain “How far is the closest land?”

“Three miles”, he answers.

“That’s not too bad, in which direction? she asked.

“Straight down.”

 

We called to make reservations in the dining room for 7 p.m. The cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine.”
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

 

Okay, here are a few quick pirate jokes.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender asks, “Hey, what’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says, “Argh, I’ve got a bounty on my head.”

 

How does a pirate walk his dog?

A pirate only walks the plank.

 

A pirate’s favorite letter? Not the RRRR.  A pirate only love is the C.

~~~~~

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

 

A Back to the Future joke:

"If I owned a DeLorean… I’d probably only drive it from time to time."

 

Mini-bar prices teach budget management.   They also allow you to see into the future and find out what a can of soda will cost in 2030.

 

On a golf tour in Ireland, a man drove is fancy BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knew nothing of golf greeted him in a typical Irish manner.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant.

The golfer nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies replied the golfer.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!

 

Two smokers are out on a cruise on a boat. They realize they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea.
The boat is now a cigarette lighter.

And finally, off topic.

A man cruises the countryside on his bike.

He was riding past a farm when the motor started to stutter and finally stopped. He tried to start the bike again but to no avail.
Scratching his head, he suddenly hears a voice coming from his right:
"I think the carburetor's broken..."
The man turns his head to see a cow, munching grass and looking at him.
As there's visibly no one else around, the man thinks he imagined the voice but looking back at the cow he now sees her addressing him:
"I tell you, man, the carburetor's crap on that model..."
Shocked by this first encounter with a talking cow, the man goes to the nearby farm and finds the farmer to which he introduces himself:
"Hi, I was just cruising around and my bike broke down. You'll find that crazy but a cow, the one over there, talked to me, she said... she said the problem was coming from the carburetor"
The farmer looks at him, takes a look at the cow, looks back at the biker and tells the man very seriously:
"Son, be real... it's a cow... don't listen to her.  She doesn't know jackshit about bikes."