Halloween JOW #1253

It is that magic time of the year when season change, the Holidays begin to appear, leaves change, and all four major sports are being played, will at least until the Yankees fold.  Halloween is upon us as well.  One of the great old traditions that has seemingly lapsed is telling scary stories to the kids.  I have a couple of old ones for my JOW this time.  These are primarily aural jokes, so just imagine reading them aloud in the dark to the kids.

But first, here is a single, silly joke:

Before my friend Frank died, he asked that I store his ashes in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in stein.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This man was sitting at home, minding his business, when the phone rang. He picked up, “Hello?” A growly voice says, “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 year, 1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.

The man thinks it’s a crank call and forgets about it.  One year later, the phone rings. “Hello?” “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.”

Click.

The man is spooked a little.

One month later, the phone rings. “Hello?”

“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.”

Click .

Next week: “Hello?”

“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.

Next day: “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.

Now the man is waiting with anticipation. Sure enough, one hour later the phone rings again. “Hello?”

“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 minute.”

Click.

Right after that, the doorbell rings. The man goes to the door, opens it. There is a dude there with blood on his hand, and he says, “Hey there, my hand is bleeding. Do you have a band aid?”

=====

Three thieves who, as one final job together, planned on robbing a sacred tomb. Locals warned them that any who attempt to steal from the tomb will be cursed and great danger will befall them, but they decided to go through with it anyway.

They decide to go one at a time in case there really is any danger. The first man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he passes by a giant coffin and then hears a booming voice say "if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by FIRE!"

He's a little spooked but escapes the tomb unscathed with his riches.

The second man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he also passes a large coffin and hears a booming voice say "if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by WATER!"
He's kinda freaked out, but knows that the first guy survived, and he too escapes the tomb unharmed with more wealth than he could imagine.

The third man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he too passes the huge sarcophagus and hears a booming voice say "if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by PLAGUE!"

At this point, the thieves aren't scared anymore because they've all managed to escape unharmed, so the third guy just walks out of the tomb, his arms full of the spoils of his plunder.

The three thieves part ways and go on to live lavish, pleasant lives using the treasure they'd stolen to get rich. Each man had more than he could ever want, and each was in fantastic health for many years following their tomb robbing.

A few years later the thieves had all but forgotten the words that echoed from the tomb that fateful day. The first man was enjoying a bonfire with his friends at his Miami beach house. After a night of drinking, most of them were drowsy or passed out completely. The first man stood up to go inside, tripped over one of his friends, and fell headfirst into the fire pit. He suffered horrible burns all over his body and died as a result of his injuries.

The story made headlines, and after a while word got back to the other two thieves that their friend had perished. Both had a vague memory...something about a curse...and dying by fire...but after a few months they all but forgot their old friend and went about their lavish lives.

The second man was celebrating his birthday with his friends and family at an extravagant party on his private island. As night fell, he and a few of his friends decided to go down to the shore and go night-swimming. They, too, were a bit intoxicated, and there was a bit of a storm brewing, but they hardly cared. After swimming for a while, the man gets swept out to sea. He's not a strong swimmer and his friends can't see him, and he ends up drowning.

The third man catches wind of this and starts to panic. Dying by fire, dying by water...will he truly die by plague, as was foretold in the sacred tomb? He starts to put the remainder of this wealth into his health - he visits a different specialist every week, spends money on diet and workout programs, and does whatever he can to ensure that he stays healthy.

However, after several months, a mysterious illness befalls him. Doctors can't figure it out no matter how many tests they run. He's confined to a hospital bed as he's too weak to even stand and walk. However, he doesn't come any closer to dying, and he starts to regain hope that maybe he's beaten the curse.

His health begins to improve, and soon he has enough strength to sit up in bed and eat on his own. He never has any visitors, as his friends were only his friends because of his great fortune.

One day, a nurse told him he has a visitor. He's surprised, but excited, and tells the nurse to send them in. She leaves, and soon he hears someone coming down the hallway.

Except it doesn't sound like footsteps.

It's more like an awful, clunky, dragging sound. As if someone's struggling to push a heavy object down the hall.

He hears screams outside his closed door and begins to panic as the noise gets closer, closer, closer. He's still not strong enough to get out of bed, much less escape. He starts looking around him for something to defend himself with. The only things on his side table are a lamp, some magazines, a glass of water, a book he'd been reading, and some cough drops, as he'd had a pretty nasty cough.

Suddenly, the door swings open. Staring the final thief in the face is the sarcophagus from the tomb. A voice booms out "You have attempted to avoid the curse, but now death comes to you!" The coffin then begins inching towards him. It flies open, revealing emptiness, and the thief knows if he can't escape.

In a last attempt to defend himself, he starts throwing whatever he can reach at the sarcophagus. He chucks the lamp at it as hard as he can, but it keeps coming towards him. Then he tries the book to no avail. The glass of water - nothing. The magazines - useless. Finally, all that's left are the cough drops. The man all but resigns himself to his fate, picks up the lozenges, closes his eyes, and hurls a cough drop.

The moment the cough drop hits it, the coffin stops.

 

 

Miscellaneous JOW #1252

 Alas, with an election looming we are subjected to a never-ending steam of political ads.  TV ads are almost always aimed at emotional hot buttons and are inevitably negative.  Apparently one side wants to sacrifice young woman, (perhaps in a volcano?) and the other intends to kill babies, (perhaps reviving Baal worship).  The ads are having one impact on me for sure.  All the people running for office are bad, if not to say totally evil people.   And then they wonder why we hate politicians. The jokes for the next two weeks will be scary: first Halloween, and then the election.  In the meantime, here are a few miscellaneous jokes.

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches,” said a man to his friend. “He’s an athlete?” the friend asked.

The man shook his head and replied, “An architect.”

 

·         My colorblind diagnosis really came out of the orange.

 

·         ​​I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

·         I have a nice pen that can write underwater.  It also writes other words.

 

·         'An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.'

 

·         I did some work around the house today.  Put a rear end in a recliner.

 

·         Sometimes when I listen to someone’s story and can’t relate because I am not stupid.

 

·         The unskilled mason forgets to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

 

·         The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

 

·         The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

 

·         The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

 

·         The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

 

A man recently passed away after falling into a giant urn of coffee.  He didn’t suffer.  It was instant.

 

My wife fussed at me for kicking an ice cube under the refrigerator.  I told her it was just water under the fridge.

 

I always shout, “Hey, everybody, the foods here’” so the Door Dasher won’t think all those tacos are just for me.

 

I showed up at the restaurant early.  The manager asked if I minded waiting for a bit.  I said, ‘not at all’. 

Great,’ he said,’ take these drinks to table nine.’

 

I could tell you a pizza joke…

But it would probably be cheesy.  Instead I have some riddles.

 

Who is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

 

What is the favorite fruit of twins?

Pears

 

What do you give to cure a sick lemon?

Lemon aid

 

What do you call a Haitian with a cat allergy?
Hungry

 

German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

In this day and age that gets you arrested.

 

I asked my girlfriend what women really want.  She said, ‘a tent of lovers.’  Or perhaps it was attentive loves – I really wasn’t paying attention.  

 

My employment history is somewhat mixed.

·         “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”

·         “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”

·         “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”

·         “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”

·         “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”

·         “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”

·         “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”

·         “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”

·         “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”

·         “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”

·         “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

~~~~~~~

My friend Victor, who is a respected historian, invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
“This is Victor, he’s a historian of the Renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he’s a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are also named Victor, they are doing great work on Mesopotamian farming practices.  Most of the history is written by guys named Victor.”
I was like “Wow, history really is written by you guys huh?”

 

And finally

A woman was having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man had a heart attack. The woman tried to get the man off her, but he was too heavy. Luckily, the woman was able to call 911 with her cell phone.
When the emergency services come, they found that they could only get the man out of the car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removed the roof from the car, the paramedics loaded the man into their ambulance.
The woman is sobbing hysterically. "Don't worry, ma'am," says a paramedic. "I'm sure your husband will be just fine."
"I don't care about him," the woman replies. "He's not my husband. It's my husband's car, though."

 

 

Faire Enough JOW #1251

 

There is more to Fall than merely allergies.  Not only is autumn the season of turning leaves and turning of sports from baseball to football, but it is also the season for Renaissance Faires.  We are fortunate to have the largest (this is Texas) Renfaire in the US, although purists sniff that our Faire is more like a combination flea market and costume party.  I had the pleasure of working there for a few years, so I am more familiar with Renfaires than most, and I still enjoy them.  My theme this week is about the Renaissance in general and their Faires in particular. 

I was at a Renaissance fair a few weekends back and there was this blacksmith putting on a forging show. At the end, he took questions from people. Someone asked, "What's your favorite thing to make?"

Without skipping a beat, he responded with "Babies."

 

“Dad, will you pay for my ticket to the Renaissance festival?”

“Sorry, son. I’m baroque”

 

I volunteer part time as a jouster at the Renaissance fair.

I’m a free lancer.

 

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire…

 

My wife was on her lady time while at the Renaissance Faire and told me she was craving dark chocolate.

I asked her if the craving was period specific.

 

My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm

He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood.

 

I've been trying to get the local renaissance fair reenactors to change the way things are run...

It's an exercise in feudality!

 

My dad set up a booth at a Renaissance Fair where people can dress up and get their pictures made as Frodo from Lord of the Rings exclusively.

He called it his Frodo-Booth.

 

I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.

It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.

 

"A Riot at the Renaissance Faire!"

Police intervened before anyone began luting.

 

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?” Dad: “No, you’re grounded.”

Son: No fair!!

Dad: Exactly what I said.

 

My wife and I were planning trips for the summer.

She is a regular attendee of the Renaissance Fair, but I have never gone. I really want to go, so she said she will take me this year. When I brought up the county fair at the end of the summer, I found out that she had never been to it. I offered to take her to that. She was all in board with that idea.

"Good," I said. "That sounds like a Fair trade to me!"

 

I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

 

“I heard the Renaissance painters had a brush with greatness.”

 

And I will finish up with a long, involved technical dissertation.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.
Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they could create mathematical expressions for each style of art, they could decide which was superior.
The first polymath was an expert in isoperimetry, and he was absolutely obsessed with history.. This polymath's passion for history bled into his artistic pursuits, as well; he found that the works of the old masters, particularly Renaissance artists, could never be topped. For most of his adulthood, he spent his downtime trying to replicate the painting of Renaissance artists in modern settings, but he could never quite get it right. Using his isoperimetric expertise, this polymath created a geometric formula that succinctly captured the essence of Renaissance paintings. He called this the Renaissance Equation.
The second polymath was an expert in set theory and an outspoken advocate for Impressionism. He found beauty in the way impressionists introduced the movement of life into their paintings in the same way he felt he encapsulated the movement of objects between sets. Impressionism and set theory, for this polymath, were two sides of the same coin—two objects in the same set. He decided to use set theory to categorize and represent the necessary and sufficient qualities for something to be considered impressionist to create a fuzzy set with extremities reaching from not-impressionist to impressionist. Ultimately, this led to a breakthrough that led to an algorithm that could categorize any painting in an impressionist spectrum, and this perfect categorization furthered his belief that impressionism was the most beautiful style of painting. He called this the Impressionist Explanation.
The third polymath was an expert in isomorphisms. He saw true beauty in the ways in which an isomorphism could be distinguished, and could not be distinguished, based on the elements of the morphism from which they were reversed and inverted. This polymath believed that the value of isomorphisms, more than anything else in mathematics, depended on the perspective of the viewer. He looked at Neo-Surrealism in much the same way; from some perspectives, two isomorphisms could be differentiated in the same way two Neo-Surrealist paintings could be. He mathematically mapped countless Neo-Surrealist paintings and built an algorithm that could utilize much of his research into isomorphisms to differentiate between them. His results, which suggested that Neo-Surrealist paintings were all isomorphisms, proved to him that his favorite genre of art was superior. He called his work the Neo-Surrealist Formula.
The final polymath was an expert in orthogonal matrices and a lover of Cubism. He viewed matrices as the foundation of higher mathematical thought, and because the determinant of an orthogonal matrix must always be 1 or negative 1, he believed his study to be the purest form of mathematics. Naturally, he fell into Cubism. Though Cubism did not represent perfectly orthogonal figures, this polymath believed this was not a failure of Cubism, but a failure of art as a whole—the need to portray broader themes caused the cubes not to be perfectly orthogonal. Despite this, the fourth polymath traced the primary vectors in the most prominent paintings of each genre, and he found that the vectors in Cubist paintings most closely resembled the orthonormal vectors he had long studied. He published his findings as the Cubism Experiment.
After the four polymaths had completed their individual projects, they convened to discuss their results. Even after seeing the work the others had put in, each polymath still trusted his own mathematical formula and believed his favorite genre of art was the best.

To reach a final conclusion, the mathematicians decided to submit their findings in a single bundle to a group of neutral mathematicians from all over the world.

They combined their work into a single expression of paintings, which they called:

Paintings: Renaissance, Impressionist, Neo-Surrealist, and Cubist Expressions. Within weeks of publication, this set of data became widely known as:

The artists’ formulae known as PRINCE.

 

 

Serious as a heart attack JOW #1250

I try to find humor in almost everything; it makes life a little more palatable.   In the past I have had all sorts of JOW themes, including joking about some serious topics.  Since I have coronary artery disease, I thought heart conditions would make a good topic to explore.  Here are some jokes with real heart. 

 

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

A bear attack would definitely be worse.

 

A man went to jail for stealing a heart.

I guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

 

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

 

Dual Heart Attack Message by A Girl.

1st Message: “Let’s Breakup Now, It’s All Over”
2nd Message: “Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You “

 

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

 

Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack

mainly because their hearts are already broken

 

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

 

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you're playing charades; nobody gonna help you.

 

My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said, “That gave me a heart attack!”

I told him “Actually that was a stroke”

 

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?

Arr me hearty!

 

An American has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks: "Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:
“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

 

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents. The poor man dyed a loan.

 

Then there was the man who got into a fight with a man who was dating the woman he fancied.  He won the fight, but the poor fellow had a fatal heart attack and fell down on the man he had just knocked down.

He was dead on a rival.

 

Another poor fellow had a massive heart attack during sex

He came and went at the same time.

An American man has a heart attack at his home.

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and asks her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed.

The woman is hysterical. "How could this have happened?!"

The doctor replies, "Well, we had shown him the cost for the ambulance..."

 

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs. Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously
“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news…”

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

 

A lady told me her grandpa had a heart attack over the summer and she felt at least partially responsible.
He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available.  She suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.
But if it wasn't for that, he never would have visited OnlyFans.

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

 And finally some medical advice.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.  The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Allergic to JOW #1249