Miscellaneous JOW #1252

 Alas, with an election looming we are subjected to a never-ending steam of political ads.  TV ads are almost always aimed at emotional hot buttons and are inevitably negative.  Apparently one side wants to sacrifice young woman, (perhaps in a volcano?) and the other intends to kill babies, (perhaps reviving Baal worship).  The ads are having one impact on me for sure.  All the people running for office are bad, if not to say totally evil people.   And then they wonder why we hate politicians. The jokes for the next two weeks will be scary: first Halloween, and then the election.  In the meantime, here are a few miscellaneous jokes.

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches,” said a man to his friend. “He’s an athlete?” the friend asked.

The man shook his head and replied, “An architect.”

 

·         My colorblind diagnosis really came out of the orange.

 

·         ​​I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

·         I have a nice pen that can write underwater.  It also writes other words.

 

·         'An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.'

 

·         I did some work around the house today.  Put a rear end in a recliner.

 

·         Sometimes when I listen to someone’s story and can’t relate because I am not stupid.

 

·         The unskilled mason forgets to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

 

·         The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

 

·         The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

 

·         The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

 

·         The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

 

A man recently passed away after falling into a giant urn of coffee.  He didn’t suffer.  It was instant.

 

My wife fussed at me for kicking an ice cube under the refrigerator.  I told her it was just water under the fridge.

 

I always shout, “Hey, everybody, the foods here’” so the Door Dasher won’t think all those tacos are just for me.

 

I showed up at the restaurant early.  The manager asked if I minded waiting for a bit.  I said, ‘not at all’. 

Great,’ he said,’ take these drinks to table nine.’

 

I could tell you a pizza joke…

But it would probably be cheesy.  Instead I have some riddles.

 

Who is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

 

What is the favorite fruit of twins?

Pears

 

What do you give to cure a sick lemon?

Lemon aid

 

What do you call a Haitian with a cat allergy?
Hungry

 

German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

In this day and age that gets you arrested.

 

I asked my girlfriend what women really want.  She said, ‘a tent of lovers.’  Or perhaps it was attentive loves – I really wasn’t paying attention.  

 

My employment history is somewhat mixed.

·         “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”

·         “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”

·         “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”

·         “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”

·         “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”

·         “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”

·         “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”

·         “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”

·         “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”

·         “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”

·         “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

~~~~~~~

My friend Victor, who is a respected historian, invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
“This is Victor, he’s a historian of the Renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he’s a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are also named Victor, they are doing great work on Mesopotamian farming practices.  Most of the history is written by guys named Victor.”
I was like “Wow, history really is written by you guys huh?”

 

And finally

A woman was having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man had a heart attack. The woman tried to get the man off her, but he was too heavy. Luckily, the woman was able to call 911 with her cell phone.
When the emergency services come, they found that they could only get the man out of the car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removed the roof from the car, the paramedics loaded the man into their ambulance.
The woman is sobbing hysterically. "Don't worry, ma'am," says a paramedic. "I'm sure your husband will be just fine."
"I don't care about him," the woman replies. "He's not my husband. It's my husband's car, though."