It is that
magic time of the year when season change, the Holidays begin to appear, leaves
change, and all four major sports are being played, will at least until the
Yankees fold. Halloween is upon us as
well. One of the great old traditions
that has seemingly lapsed is telling scary stories to the kids. I have a couple of old ones for my JOW this
time. These are primarily aural jokes,
so just imagine reading them aloud in the dark to the kids.
But first, here is a single, silly joke:
Before my
friend Frank died, he asked that I store his ashes in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in stein.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This man
was sitting at home, minding his business, when the phone rang. He picked up,
“Hello?” A growly voice says, “This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 year,
1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.
The man
thinks it’s a crank call and forgets about it.
One year later, the phone rings. “Hello?” “This is Bloody Hand! I will
be there in 1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.”
Click.
The man is
spooked a little.
One month
later, the phone rings. “Hello?”
“This is
Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.”
Click .
Next week:
“Hello?”
“This is
Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 day, 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.
Next day:
“This is Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 hour, and 1 minute.” Click.
Now the
man is waiting with anticipation. Sure enough, one hour later the phone rings
again. “Hello?”
“This is
Bloody Hand! I will be there in 1 minute.”
Click.
Right
after that, the doorbell rings. The man goes to the door, opens it. There is a
dude there with blood on his hand, and he says, “Hey there, my hand is
bleeding. Do you have a band aid?”
=====
Three
thieves who, as one final job together, planned on robbing a sacred tomb.
Locals warned them that any who attempt to steal from the tomb will be cursed and
great danger will befall them, but they decided to go through with it anyway.
They
decide to go one at a time in case there really is any danger. The first man
enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's
leaving, he passes by a giant coffin and then hears a booming voice say
"if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You
shall die by FIRE!"
He's a
little spooked but escapes the tomb unscathed with his riches.
The second
man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's
leaving, he also passes a large coffin and hears a booming voice say "if
you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die
by WATER!"
He's kinda freaked out, but knows that the first guy survived, and he too
escapes the tomb unharmed with more wealth than he could imagine.
The third
man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's
leaving, he too passes the huge sarcophagus and hears a booming voice say
"if you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You
shall die by PLAGUE!"
At this
point, the thieves aren't scared anymore because they've all managed to escape
unharmed, so the third guy just walks out of the tomb, his arms full of the
spoils of his plunder.
The three
thieves part ways and go on to live lavish, pleasant lives using the treasure
they'd stolen to get rich. Each man had more than he could ever want, and each
was in fantastic health for many years following their tomb robbing.
A few
years later the thieves had all but forgotten the words that echoed from the
tomb that fateful day. The first man was enjoying a bonfire with his friends at
his Miami beach house. After a night of drinking, most of them were drowsy or
passed out completely. The first man stood up to go inside, tripped over one of
his friends, and fell headfirst into the fire pit. He suffered horrible burns
all over his body and died as a result of his injuries.
The story
made headlines, and after a while word got back to the other two thieves that
their friend had perished. Both had a vague memory...something about a
curse...and dying by fire...but after a few months they all but forgot their
old friend and went about their lavish lives.
The second
man was celebrating his birthday with his friends and family at an extravagant
party on his private island. As night fell, he and a few of his friends decided
to go down to the shore and go night-swimming. They, too, were a bit
intoxicated, and there was a bit of a storm brewing, but they hardly cared.
After swimming for a while, the man gets swept out to sea. He's not a strong
swimmer and his friends can't see him, and he ends up drowning.
The third
man catches wind of this and starts to panic. Dying by fire, dying by
water...will he truly die by plague, as was foretold in the sacred tomb? He
starts to put the remainder of this wealth into his health - he visits a
different specialist every week, spends money on diet and workout programs, and
does whatever he can to ensure that he stays healthy.
However,
after several months, a mysterious illness befalls him. Doctors can't figure it
out no matter how many tests they run. He's confined to a hospital bed as he's
too weak to even stand and walk. However, he doesn't come any closer to dying,
and he starts to regain hope that maybe he's beaten the curse.
His health
begins to improve, and soon he has enough strength to sit up in bed and eat on
his own. He never has any visitors, as his friends were only his friends
because of his great fortune.
One day, a
nurse told him he has a visitor. He's surprised, but excited, and tells the
nurse to send them in. She leaves, and soon he hears someone coming down the
hallway.
Except it
doesn't sound like footsteps.
It's more
like an awful, clunky, dragging sound. As if someone's struggling to push a
heavy object down the hall.
He hears
screams outside his closed door and begins to panic as the noise gets closer,
closer, closer. He's still not strong enough to get out of bed, much less
escape. He starts looking around him for something to defend himself with. The
only things on his side table are a lamp, some magazines, a glass of water, a
book he'd been reading, and some cough drops, as he'd had a pretty nasty cough.
Suddenly,
the door swings open. Staring the final thief in the face is the sarcophagus
from the tomb. A voice booms out "You have attempted to avoid the curse,
but now death comes to you!" The coffin then begins inching towards him.
It flies open, revealing emptiness, and the thief knows if he can't escape.
In a last
attempt to defend himself, he starts throwing whatever he can reach at the
sarcophagus. He chucks the lamp at it as hard as he can, but it keeps coming
towards him. Then he tries the book to no avail. The glass of water - nothing.
The magazines - useless. Finally, all that's left are the cough drops. The man
all but resigns himself to his fate, picks up the lozenges, closes his eyes,
and hurls a cough drop.
The moment
the cough drop hits it, the coffin stops.
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