JOW is a Carnival #1256

 With all the recent political activity recently, my attention naturally turned to first clowns, then the circus and finally carnivals.  I am old enough to remember the old low-end carnivals that would come to Jacksonville.  Even as a little kid I knew they were pretty cheesy, but before the internet and even much TV, people did not have access to view oddities.  I remember you could pay to see freaks like the fat woman, the tattooed man, and the bearded lady.  Nowadays these folks are fully integrated into society.  In fact, some of them are elected officials.  My jokes this week focus on bygone days when there were these traveling shows.

 

They just opened a circus nearby. I went last Saturday. All I could say is that it was in tents.

 

They had to close the carnival.

There was a freak accident

 

What do you call a dog in a circus?

A carnival barker

 

A dyslexic clown got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

 

King Arthor had a knight who performed in the big top: Sir Cus

 

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago.

The performer went ballistic, and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

Now they can’t find a man of the right caliber to replace him.

 

"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!"

"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Congressmen* leaving the *Capitol* for lunch."

 

A man comes to the circus director and says he would like to work there.
- What are your special skills? - the director asks.
- I can imitate birds - the man replies.
- Sorry, but we already have someone who imitates birds - the director responds.
- Oh dear, that's a pity! - sighs the man and flies away.

 

A man walks into a bar and does a somersault, a cartwheel and finally backflips onto a barstool.
The bartender asks him: "Wow! How did you do that?"

The horse answers: "Well, I've worked in the circus for all my life, so that's how."

The barman nods approvingly and gives the man a free drink.
A couple minutes later another man walks. He does a front flip, a pirouette and finally lands onto the barstool.

The barman asks him: "Well have I ever! Did you also work in circus.

The man answers: "No, I just tripped over the doormat."

 

 

A man was wandering around a circus and stopped to watch a guy hosing down an elephant. The man asked him how he liked looking after such a large beast.

"Well," said the man, “It’s a very dirty and time-consuming job. I’m awake at 5 am to prepare his breakfast, then shovel out the vast amount of manure that has been produced overnight.  Some days there is a bowel blockage, and I have to insert my hand up there to clear it out. The smell is revolting.  I do this 7 days a week."
"That's terrible", said the man "have you thought about getting another job?"
"What!!" said the guy,” and give up show business?

 

Then there was the man who circumcises elephants for the circus; he said the pay is lousy; but the tips are enormous.

 

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus.

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

“No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned and the mother went off to get a soda.

As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis.”

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" the boy persisted.

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.
“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work is really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss will be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh, please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquired about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

 

Veteran JOW #1255

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day, which seems to be growing in popularity.  Perhaps this is because the percentage of veterans continues to decline.  When I was a kid virtually all men had spent time in the armed forces.  Now, the percentage is about 6%.  Apparently, the armed forces are more efficient now.  In the past, when people said ‘thank you for your service’ I would reply that I got paid, traveled around the world at government expense, and they let me blow stuff up.   Now I just say, ‘thank you.’ 

I have a few jokes and anecdotes about veterans.  I hope you enjoy them. 

 

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Noah.
(Noah, who?)
Noah good joke about Veterans Day?

 

Did you hear about the soldier who sneaked behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.

 

A bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts “If it weren’t for me, you’d all be speaking German!”
“That’s right” replies the High School German teacher.

 

 “What’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?”
Grandfather replied, “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

 

A veteran’s son asks him, “Dad, did you get shot in the army?”
The dad replies, “Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.”

 

A veteran father asked his son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms.
He didn’t know, so the dad told him, “It’s to minimize casual tees.”

 

I once teased a seasick pal of mine who was losing it over the railing alongside several other sailors.

“I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said.

“It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.”

 

What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks.

 

The various services are different.

 

If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room and clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and locking the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion. In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

~~~~~~~~

A little boy was staring in wonder at the names on a plaque in an old church. The pastor noticed him and asked, “What are you looking at, my son?”

The boy replied, “All those names up there. Who are they?”

The pastor smiled and said, “Why, they are the names of people from this congregation who died in the service.”

The little boy thought for a moment and then asked very quietly, “Which one? The 9:00 or the 11:00 service?”

 

A Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.

 

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.
Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. <br>
The other veteran: Oh, I still have nightmares of all the people that I’ve killed. It’s horrible!
Robert: I totally understand you; I’ve killed 15 men.
The other veteran: Wait, but you were only a helicopter mechanic...
Robert: Never said I was a good one.

 

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee”.
“Have you ever been in the military?”
“Yes, I served two years in Iraq”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Do you have any disabilities?”
The guy says, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles”.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “OK, you’re a dis*bled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10 am and make that your start time every day”.
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are 8-4, why don’t you want me here til 10 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

And finally.

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, 'Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ‘Sarge?'' he asked.
''Had to get rid of him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

 

 

Political JOW #1254

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.  The whole 2024 election is like a sequel nobody asked for, but we all have to watch. Well, it has finally come to a shuddering close.  Finally, we will get a break from the constant stream of political ads.  Since we are at the height of the political season, I have a few jokes about politics.

```````

Let me start: the 2024 US Presidential Election.
That’s it. That’s the entire joke.

``````````

Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.

 

“Because it would be hilarious,” is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

 

Why do we Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

 

Some riddles

Why did the election chicken cross the road?
To avoid both sides!

 

How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—one to change the bulb and one to change it back again.

 

What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

 

What do you call a bad lawyer?
Senator.

 

What do you get when you cross a politician with a joke?
The 2024 election.

 

Why did the candidate cross the road?
To avoid the press.

 

Why did the campaign chicken cross the road?
To flip-flop.

 

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is completely worthless?
Runner up in the presidential election.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid, my dad always told me anyone could become president. Now that I’m an adult, I believe it … and it gives me nightmares!

 

Have you heard about McDonald’s new presidential value meal? You order whatever you want, and the person who comes after you has to pay for it.

 

The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses. Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.

 

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

 

Did you hear Starbucks is offering a specialty drink just for Election Day? It’s called the “fullacrapuccino.”

 

Russians and Chinese confused about why it takes America so long to get a definitive result from their election—the know their election results months in advance!

 

If Chuck Norris were president, he’d protect the Secret Service.

 

Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.
Friend: What does he do now?
Man: Nothing—he got elected.

 

Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?
Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

 

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor. He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family and creates criminals, then I’m against it! But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund needy orphans, then I’m for it! And I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say.”

 

1917, October: A lady, the granddaughter of a Decembrist, is sitting in her own house on Nevsky. When she hears a noise on the street, she asks her janitor to find out what is going on there.

Madam, the revolution is there! - the janitor returns.

Oh, how wonderful! - the lady rejoices - my grandfather dreamed of a revolution! Please, go and find out what the revolutionaries want?!

Lady, they want there to be no rich - says the janitor returning.

Strange - the lady says thoughtfully - my grandfather wanted there to be no poor!

 

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural-born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office.
She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with “What makes a natural-born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?”

And finally:

The year is 2032 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so, Susie. It’s an 18-hour drive.”
“Don’t worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh, Dad,” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”
“Honey,” her dad complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”
The president-to-be responds, “Don’t worry, Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll ensure your meal has potatoes and cheddar in it. You and mom just have to be there.”
So, her dad reluctantly agrees, and when Susan is sworn in as president of the United States. In the front row sit Susan’s parents. Her dad, noticing a Senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible?”
“You bet I do,” whispers the Senator in reply.
The dad proudly beams, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”