Veteran JOW #1255

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day, which seems to be growing in popularity.  Perhaps this is because the percentage of veterans continues to decline.  When I was a kid virtually all men had spent time in the armed forces.  Now, the percentage is about 6%.  Apparently, the armed forces are more efficient now.  In the past, when people said ‘thank you for your service’ I would reply that I got paid, traveled around the world at government expense, and they let me blow stuff up.   Now I just say, ‘thank you.’ 

I have a few jokes and anecdotes about veterans.  I hope you enjoy them. 

 

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Noah.
(Noah, who?)
Noah good joke about Veterans Day?

 

Did you hear about the soldier who sneaked behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.

 

A bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts “If it weren’t for me, you’d all be speaking German!”
“That’s right” replies the High School German teacher.

 

 “What’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?”
Grandfather replied, “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

 

A veteran’s son asks him, “Dad, did you get shot in the army?”
The dad replies, “Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.”

 

A veteran father asked his son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms.
He didn’t know, so the dad told him, “It’s to minimize casual tees.”

 

I once teased a seasick pal of mine who was losing it over the railing alongside several other sailors.

“I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said.

“It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.”

 

What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks.

 

The various services are different.

 

If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room and clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and locking the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion. In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

~~~~~~~~

A little boy was staring in wonder at the names on a plaque in an old church. The pastor noticed him and asked, “What are you looking at, my son?”

The boy replied, “All those names up there. Who are they?”

The pastor smiled and said, “Why, they are the names of people from this congregation who died in the service.”

The little boy thought for a moment and then asked very quietly, “Which one? The 9:00 or the 11:00 service?”

 

A Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.

 

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.
Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. <br>
The other veteran: Oh, I still have nightmares of all the people that I’ve killed. It’s horrible!
Robert: I totally understand you; I’ve killed 15 men.
The other veteran: Wait, but you were only a helicopter mechanic...
Robert: Never said I was a good one.

 

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee”.
“Have you ever been in the military?”
“Yes, I served two years in Iraq”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Do you have any disabilities?”
The guy says, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles”.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “OK, you’re a dis*bled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10 am and make that your start time every day”.
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are 8-4, why don’t you want me here til 10 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

And finally.

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, 'Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ‘Sarge?'' he asked.
''Had to get rid of him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.