Political JOW #1254

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.  The whole 2024 election is like a sequel nobody asked for, but we all have to watch. Well, it has finally come to a shuddering close.  Finally, we will get a break from the constant stream of political ads.  Since we are at the height of the political season, I have a few jokes about politics.

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Let me start: the 2024 US Presidential Election.
That’s it. That’s the entire joke.

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Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.

 

“Because it would be hilarious,” is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

 

Why do we Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

 

Some riddles

Why did the election chicken cross the road?
To avoid both sides!

 

How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—one to change the bulb and one to change it back again.

 

What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

 

What do you call a bad lawyer?
Senator.

 

What do you get when you cross a politician with a joke?
The 2024 election.

 

Why did the candidate cross the road?
To avoid the press.

 

Why did the campaign chicken cross the road?
To flip-flop.

 

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is completely worthless?
Runner up in the presidential election.

 

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When I was a kid, my dad always told me anyone could become president. Now that I’m an adult, I believe it … and it gives me nightmares!

 

Have you heard about McDonald’s new presidential value meal? You order whatever you want, and the person who comes after you has to pay for it.

 

The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses. Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.

 

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

 

Did you hear Starbucks is offering a specialty drink just for Election Day? It’s called the “fullacrapuccino.”

 

Russians and Chinese confused about why it takes America so long to get a definitive result from their election—the know their election results months in advance!

 

If Chuck Norris were president, he’d protect the Secret Service.

 

Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.
Friend: What does he do now?
Man: Nothing—he got elected.

 

Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?
Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

 

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor. He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family and creates criminals, then I’m against it! But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund needy orphans, then I’m for it! And I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say.”

 

1917, October: A lady, the granddaughter of a Decembrist, is sitting in her own house on Nevsky. When she hears a noise on the street, she asks her janitor to find out what is going on there.

Madam, the revolution is there! - the janitor returns.

Oh, how wonderful! - the lady rejoices - my grandfather dreamed of a revolution! Please, go and find out what the revolutionaries want?!

Lady, they want there to be no rich - says the janitor returning.

Strange - the lady says thoughtfully - my grandfather wanted there to be no poor!

 

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural-born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office.
She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with “What makes a natural-born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?”

And finally:

The year is 2032 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so, Susie. It’s an 18-hour drive.”
“Don’t worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh, Dad,” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”
“Honey,” her dad complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”
The president-to-be responds, “Don’t worry, Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll ensure your meal has potatoes and cheddar in it. You and mom just have to be there.”
So, her dad reluctantly agrees, and when Susan is sworn in as president of the United States. In the front row sit Susan’s parents. Her dad, noticing a Senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible?”
“You bet I do,” whispers the Senator in reply.
The dad proudly beams, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”